Archive for July, 2006

July 14, 2006

work memo again

I received this work memo in my mailbox today:

To : All [Company X] staff
From : The Facilities Manager

Team,
Please be reminded that there are some people who cannot tolerate the smell of durians. They will fall sick from the smell. As such, take note that durians are not allowed to be in the office.

Thank you for your understanding and cooperation.

Best regards,
The Facilities Manager

Wow, what an apt reminder. It must not have occurred to me that there are sick people people who are allergic to the durian odor. Well, I wonder if they would ban Banglas from roaming around the office too – because I definitely don’t feel very well with their strong armpit odor around… (but who’s gonna wash our freaking toilets?? I’ll let those managers worry about that…)

oh and those Green Tea fragrances as well…
and unwashed socks…
and cheap hairsprays…
coconut oil…
Code 10 with sweat…
mouldy clits…
farts…

michaelooi  | work shit  | Comments Off

the greatest engineer alive

People look to me for answers and solutions. THat’s because I’m good and I’m helpful.

Ken the confused : “Michael”

Michael the greatest engineer alive : “Yes”

Ken : “Any idea how do we wipe data on defective drives? A customer asked if his drive is defective and has important data in it, and the harddisk is to be sent to us, how do we clean out the harddisk before verifying it”

Me : “burn it. petrol, pour, match (or lighter), burn”

[‘Ken the confused’ instantly becomes ‘Ken the well informed’]

OMFG I CAN’T BELIEVE I JUST SOLVED A TECHNICALLY DIFFICULT QUESTION WITH JUST A COUPLE SENTENCES OF LESS THAN 10 WORDS. Am I fucking intelligent or what!

michaelooi  | work shit  | Comments Off
July 13, 2006

bitter memories : the underwear incident

*too much time at hands today, long entry, deal with it*

I’m sure everyone has done something stupid as a kid before. For me, lots of them. And most of the time, it was because of external influences, a partner in crime. I always had a partner in crime. I had NEVER actually done dumb things by myself… well, except for that incident with a nasty dog when I was 6, but that is a story for another day.

Like I’ve said many times before, I wasn’t a very popular boy at school. I was too rotten to have much friends. I had only a handful of them… and one of them was PukeMachine, who used to hold the title of ‘my best friend evarrrr’ (hell, we had even sworn in as brothers before, no shit… one of the many stupid things I did which I regretted later in my life).

Now this PukeMachine, he was sort of a palooka when he was a kid (that explains why he hung out with me). His intelligence level always lag 2 years behind, and that kinda made him a really bad choice of a partner in crime. No, a bad choice for ANYTHING. His sheer stupidity had gotten us into a lot of troubles, again and again. Any normal kid would have ditched him as a buddy and cast him into oblivion. But I didn’t. Don’t know why and don’t ask. (Ok, maybe I was abnormal)

One of the most bitter memory that had etched into my memory was the underwear incident. Now, this may sound a little obscene to some of you here, but trust me, it’s not what you think.

I was only 8 at that time and was fascinated over anything. Robots, bicycles, dead rats, deat cats, just anything I saw on the street. One day, while I was ambling to school along a corridor at my residential apartment, I came across a pair of discarded underwear. Not really sure if it was discarded or blown off from somebody’s balcony, but it was lying right in the middle of my path. A white, female underwear… with lace. From my height, I could also see that it was made of those netting material which made it semi transparent or something. That was how it piqued my 8 year old brain – as I had never seen anything like that before… And I did what no one would ever thought of doing. I picked it up, and stuffed it into my schoolbag, and made it all the way to school, apparently couldn’t wait to show it to my fellow classmates about that phenomenal find.

I first showed it to PukeMachine, of course, being my best friend and all, and he too, got as excited as myself. And then, we passed that piece of garment around the class… and it went ahead with its magical appeal – startling every 8 year old farts who happened to lay their gaze on it. I don’t personally quite remember what really happened after that, and it ended up at someone’s possession. I forgot all about it after that… until the next day when I received a phone call from PukeMachine’s mom, at my house phone, and it wasn’t a friendly call.

Apparently, PukeMachine took that pair of soiled underwear home and showed it to his mom. I don’t know why he did that, but I reckon he must had thought that his mom was as easily amused as an 8 year old too. And as if that was not bad enough, somewhere during the whippings and slappings, PukeMachine told her that it was me who gave him the underwear… along with my name, he conveniently gave my phone number for her to counter-verify…

It was a very embarrassing situation for me of course. Imagine your best friend’s mom calls up to harangue you on the phone, castigating you for influencing her son to be a sex maniac and such. I was like, fuming pissed, imagining PukeMachine cowering behind his apeshit mom, all the while wondering why was I made to pay for his idiotic act…

Come to think of it, the situation could have been worse, if PukeMachine’s mom decide to go to the school authorities, or complain to my mom. I was thankful enough that she didn’t do any of those (maybe she refrained because it would only make her son look like a total dolt). All I got was a tirade of angry speeches on the phone and a bad reputation to go with it.

That was how PukeMachine’s mom got to know me, the boy who taught her son bad stuffs – Michael.

*****

A couple weeks ago, I called up PukeMachine’s cellphone to ask if he’s available to receive the full moon curry chicken treat for my daughter’s full moon celebration. Guess what? His mom answered.

Me : “Errr hi aunty, PukeMachine around?”

PM’s mom : “He has gone to Singapore for a couple weeks. Can you call him on his Singapore cellphone?”

Me : “Oh I don’t have his number. But it’s ok, it’s not important…”

PM’s mom : “I can give you his number… wait…”

Me : “Oh ok ok… thanks”

PM’s mom : “The number is XXXXXXX. It’s his cellphone”

Me : “Thanks aunty, appreciate it”

PM’s mom : “May I know who’s calling?”

Me : “Tell him Michael called”

PM’s mom : “Oh it’s you Michael. How have you been? Married?”

She remembered me. After all these years. Unbelievable.

I told her that I got married many years ago and she sent me a belated congratulations… Man, the situation couldn’t have been kookier. I was so darn worried that she might ask me about that underwear incident. I know the memory is tucked deep somewhere inside her thoughts, about the time when her son nearly became a sex maniac because of me. All it takes is just an irrational urge and an inquisitive drive to ask – “Why did you do it Michael? Why? Why didn’t you keep it for yourself?”

The answer is = I was an 8 year old moron. I needed no justification for everything I did.

michaelooi  | escapades  | 14 Comments
July 12, 2006

the management cares for you – my ass

The management cares for you. How often do you hear that. They always care for you. They always believe in work life balance. They give you benefits, they give you privileges and big rewards that no other companies have ever offered before. Big fucking deal.

Just like that Employee Health Screening Program crap that we have in Company X. I can see a lot of the people around my workplace seem to be very excited about it. “Oh I can’t wait to find out if I have thallasemia or leukemia or kaninia… Oh I’m so fucking thrilled like that!!! Weeoooweeeoo!!”. They somehow think that it’s a boon to be able to scrounge that free health screening deal from the company. That’s needless to say, is so fucking dumb of them people.

I wonder if they have ever thought about it, why did they get high blood pressure and those nasty cholesterol in the first place. If you haven’t yet voided of the ability think, then you may actually be able to figure it out (like me), that it’s all originated from the same source – that’s right, it’s all from the shits that they have been contending at work. The deluging workload… the ever stagnant wage… the exponentially mounting stress… the perils of having to stand incredibly stupid people who seem to be converging at the same place… list goes on…

And because they have no choice but to spend half of their miserable lives toiling inside that wretched hellhole, their blood pressure shot up through the roof, their networks of arteries clogged, their kidneys screamed to file chapter 11 (thanks to the greasy shits served inside the corporate cafeteria) – and then, these management assholes came up with some really brilliant plan to change the whole ballgame – a FREE health check plan for all (and even that, limited to only 36 kinds of complications)… and expects everyone to quit bitching, be happy about it and get the fuck back to work. Oh the irony.

If you still don’t get me, just imagine you’re being paid to smoke cigarettes everyday instead of your regular works. You’ll smoke 9 hours a day, and 5 days a week. At the end of the decade, when you’re all laden with tars and nicotine, your employer racks you up and tell you that they’re giving you a FREE chemotherapy for all the cancers you’re about to get, and you should be fucking thrilled and happy about it. Ridiculous? No?

That’s what’s happening here in Company X. We’re not getting all the deserved increments, but everyone seems to be fucking thrilled with things that we shouldn’t begotten in the first place. Why the hell would I want a free health check plan or a Rubella injection? Fuck! I just want a healthy amount of increment every fucking quarter. Moolah. Money. That’s what I want. That’s what everyone REALLY wants.

Nevermind the promotions. Nevermind the annual dinners or lucky draws or recreation facilities… Those can be nice to have… yes, but not really important. The ultimate one is still money. With more money (it never gets too much, don’t worry), I’m willing to compromise all the hardships and pain… and it’s the only thing that ticks my clock.

Like I’ve said a few million times before, WHY CAN’T SOMEBODY FIGURE THAT OUT ALREADY????

michaelooi  | work shit  | 9 Comments
July 11, 2006

morons

Looks like our bolehland has proven itself again, to have some of the dumbest leaders in the world. Just look at this comparison chart shown at TheStar today:

That’s pretty sohai, isn’t it? You get heftier penalties for failing to produce your identification card compared to more serious felonies like DUI or messing around with explosive substance…

I wonder what next could be coming from these bunch of soggy headed bitch ass fuckers. Death penalty for not looking good enough in your MyKad? Yeah, and we’ll get much less of these politician toads screeching around our streets with annoying escort policemen beating through our traffic incessantly for a quicker breakfast.

Some of these people have got too much time at their hands. Just ask ourselves, how many times have we seen them performing their stupid acts at the center stage of our nation? Debating whether a bow tie is appropriate in Parliament… whether kongsi raya could cause a turbulence in their religious faith… whether Bigfoot is a descendant of Srivijaya or just a very big bipedal dog … Pfftttt!!

Hey morons, if you’ve got too much time at hands, go fix up more potholes. Fix up your officers’ misdemeanors. Refine the public transport system. Build less poshy lamp posts and pave more roads. Patch up the cracked highways. Improve the drainage system. Quell the escalating crime rate (yeah, do something about your rapist cousins who did injustices to those innocent childrens and goats). Confer less spastic grandfathers. For all I care.

Just, use your brain and don’t make our already miserable life more miserable…

michaelooi  | rantings  | 28 Comments