I’ve got myself addicted to coffe as of recent, and my coffee supply’s running out. So today, I messaged my lunch members and suggested that we go grab our lunch at a nearby hypermart, where I can replenish my coffee supply. But one of my colleagues Elbee, he wanted to go somewhere else.

Elbee: “How about Chicken rice, because I need to pick up my chq book”

He’s referring to our favourite chicken rice joint, which I reckoned was nearby to where he was supposed to pick up his cheque book.

MichaelOoi: “is your cheque book important? can it wait?”

I need coffee very badly.

Elbee: “yes, if not pick up they will charge me fees again. Its over 2 weeks”

MichaelOoi: “well, my coffee’s important too, if i don’t go buy soon, i’m gonna fucking die”

KS: “me too. without coffee cannot concentrate. without coffee cannot poke!”

I didn’t know coffee has some aphrodisiac properties as well, hmmm. That was KS, my other colleague, who was also in the same conversation, and also ran out of coffee. Elbee left the conversation after that, probably fretting about his chequebook

You see, I strongly believe that we humans are born to get addicted to something. It’s a vulnerability in our brain that kept fucking with our minds. Drugs, alcohol, sex, just anything. For us office executives, it has always been coffee. The elixir of strength. The essence of life.

But for my colleague Elbee, we’re willing to give up our lives for his cheque book. Because through his cheque book, springs forth newer lives - his kids, wife (if he has only ONE wife) and dog(s) - all who depended on the bread he buys with that chequebook, to feed them with. It’s a good thing. I sacrificed.

So we settled for chicken rice today. I hope I’ll make it until tomorrow… In case I don’t, taburkanlah bunga di atas pusara I… dan bawak kopi sorang sebungkus… dan kuaci jugak.

Being a child must be the darkest period of his PukeMachine’s life. Or at least one of the darkest, for he wasn’t born a very bright person. At least not bright enough to keep himself out of unnecessary troubles. That explains why during the course of our childhood, I’ve seen him hurt himself pretty bad many times over. Far too many times to be just average. Far too many times to be just stupid. He’s one of a kind.

That reminds me of an incident happened during our first secondary year, our first day of wearing the green pants of adolescence. We still hung out together back then, and witnessed a lot of newcomers came drafting in from alien schools that day. We weren’t very thrilled about it of course, being the old boys there and all that. There’s a feel of being smug about our identity and we don’t feel like being too friendly with them.

I remember I almost beat up a new guy during assembly that day, for accidentally knocking me on my shoulder. It was a fair porcine guy with fair complexion, and I nearly creamed his ass had not there been a someone to break the fight then. He wasn’t very big or look too nasty, so, it was an easy target for me. I was a smart kid. I know who’s vulnerable for some beatings and who not to mess with. I pick my target well. (That guy would later become one of my best buddies.)

Just as there were a lot of bleating little victims asking to be beaten up, there were also plenty of badass rednecks whom I chose to keep my distance from. Amongst the meanest and most savage of them was this redneck guy who went by the name Beng Hee. His hair was always disheveled, and he doesn’t tuck in his shirt. His beady eyes were like that of a shark’s and he has a very thick neck like Wayne Rooney. From the first look at him, one would be able to tell that he’s not a person that’s worth messing up with.

But not PukeMachine. On that first day of secondary one, Beng Hee caught PukeMachine staring at him inside the class. That was when he threatened PukeMachine with an intimidating handsign - that he’s going to kill him or something. But PukeMachine didn’t get it. Instead, he flipped Beng Hee a bird (inside the class) and got himself registered into Beng Hee’s ‘to be beaten up’ list. That explains why we were being chased by Beng Hee after school (I was being chased along because we hung out together).

After being chased for about a few good hundred meters, Beng Hee stopped because he was too exhausted. He pointed at us like he’s letting us off, and that he’s going to deal with us later when he’s fit enough. We thought that was the end of it for that day, and so I decided to walk off. Maybe to convince Beng Hee days later that I played no part in antagonizing him and his army of darkness, for I, was just a petty little bully who only makes my living beating up scrawny little Indian kids. Maybe, I can even offer PukeMachine’s head for him to let his steam off, or something like that.

I was pretty sure my plan could work… until PukeMachine did something really stupid. He walked back to face the already content Beng Hee, and FLIPPED HIM ANOTHER BIRD, and stood there laughing maniacally like he’s been possessed by the god of stupidity.

“FUCK! PUKEMACHINE!!!! WHY DID YOU DO THAT FOR???” I yelled at him.

Beng Hee went ballistic and summoned more of his strength to give us another chase. I can tell from the look of his mad face that he’s in a homicidal rage, and it wouldn’t be wise to stay around waiting to get myself killed. And so we ran from him for another few hundred meters. By then, I was already damn exhausted and used up all my energy to run any further. So, I did what any smart kid would do - hide. Inside an unlocked factory bus. You see, Beng Hee only wanted PukeMachine, not me. I reckoned that he’ll continue to chase him and I’ll be safe by refuging inside this bus.

PukeMachine was left to continue running along the street without me. He only realized that I wasn’t with him after a few seconds, to which, he turned just soon enough to see me going into the unlocked bus to hide, and he followed suit. He went into that bus to hide with me.

“WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING HERE????? YOU SHOULD BE RUNNING OFF!!! YOU STARTED ALL THESE! YOU DON’T FLIP A BIRD TO A MAD GANGSTER WHO’S CHASING YOUUUU!!!!!”

It’ll only aggravate him further - that’s what I wanted to tell PukeMachine. But he was laughing, like he’s having the jolliest time of his life. I don’t know what was wrong with him and I didn’t yell any further, lest Beng Hee might hear my shouting from outside the bus. We continued to hide inside there for approximately 10 minutes, before bolting off to board our transport home (I was with my schoolbus).

The incident was later forgotten, until I heard about the news of PukeMachine being rounded up by Beng Hee (and some of his gang? I couldn’t remember) and got pummelled for what he did that day. I, on the other hand, didn’t face any confrontation from Beng Hee after that day at all… just, shaken from that incident.

I have just finished my lunch, and Regine has just finished her milk. I was sitting in front of the TV trying my best impersonation of a radish plant, while Regine was on her mother’s arm, having her back patted …

Emily : “Burn, Regine, burp”

Me : [BURPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP!!] “Hheeehehh!!”

Wrong call.

It was a badasss belch seethed from the concoction of stewed sour vegetable soup and oyster sauce barbeque pork that I had just ate, and was loud enough to produce its own aftershocks. Emily threw me a look of disdain, probably reflecting the ill prospects of having her daughter to grow up with someone like me in the house. Just about then, we were both startled by another sound

Regine : [BURPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP!!]

A good learner she is, I can see. Beginning to love her more by the seconds, I am.

Emily : [feet up in the air]

You people pay taxes and shits, just so that our country would prosper. Just so that our life would get better. Just so that our youngs get enough education, and be that much wiser to LEAD and do better than what we’ve all been doing. And we hope that the process would repeat itself perpetually for subsequent generations, braving through the uncertainty of future and paving over the hardships of the past (whatever lah)

But we have a problem here. What if our children are too fucking stupid to pick up the baton and pass along? Instead of appreciating the peace that their forefathers have fought for them, they misuse their wisdom to fight for lost causes, such as some absurd “pro-establishment something something”, and go around heckling other students (girls, emaciated pale looking blokes), citing abusive remarks and even resorting to violence.

Just like that bunch of idiots at UPM. The bunch of thug looking pieces of shits that has nothing better to do, but to riot like they’re going against the Malayan Union and communist pigs. Trashing around the university cafeteria, shouting like vagabonds, acting like hooligans. Is that what you people want your children to become? And they still think they’re damn cool and are doing the country a favour. What a hopeless bunch of jerks.

If you still don’t know what is happening here, I suggest you check out this article, and this video here (it’s a 10MB video, but worth the download. To download, right click on the link, and select “Save Link As” if you’re on FireFox, and “Save Target As” if you’re on Internet Explorer).

I’d suggest you people spread the news around. Check on your friends and childrens. Don’t let them be like this. Lecture them, confront them, sedate them if you must. But don’t let them ever behave like this in public. It’s an embarassment to your family. To your culture. To our nation. To mankind.

Now, I’ll definitely gonna think twice before hiring anyone from UPM (those face that I recognize from the video? They aren’t going to get any job from me. That’s for sure.)

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I witnessed a brand new Waja almost reared another car the other night. The Waja was driven by an Indian bloke with his family. Apparently, he thought the car in front was about to beat the red light, and decided to tailgate real close (just so that he’ll save himself some precious minutes which he could use to pick more cooties from his greasy hair). But he got it all wrong. The car stopped for the light. As a result, Indian bloke had to floor his brakes and screech for a few feet, before manage to halt his Waja just about a couple inch away from hitting that car.

I was over the adjacent lane witnessing the whole incident, and gave that Indian bloke a “you’re one hell of a fucked up piece of humanity tumour” gawk. (I was disturbed with the fact that he did that stunt with his family inside). What a jerk, I thought. Someone could have hurt from this, all because of his compulsive behaviour.

That Indian guy noticed me gawking at him of course, and he tried to justify his embarassment by gesticulating at the front vehicle, all the while with his eyes locked towards me. Seeking for empathy, I reckon. I decided to look away, lest he might think I wanted to look for trouble. I’d be glad to cream his brown ass, but not on that night. I’m already late for an appointment, and I do not want to be any more tardy than I already was.

So I looked away. About a good 5 or so seconds later, that Indian bloke got out and walked over to that car which he nearly hit. He then turned over to look at me, and warily glanced around if anyone else was looking at him. Yes, he had all the attention on him and that was when his guts perked. In quite a dramatic fashion, he began to flail his hands all over him, like someone having an epileptic fit or something … and then pointed at the car driver - who happened to be a scrawny Chinese dude in his 30’s.

Scrawny guy tried to ignore that Indian bloke initially, but was eventually pissed enough when that guy continued to harass him by exhibiting some violent gesticulations (which, I reckoned was learnt from various Hindustan fight flicks). Then Scrawny did the unthinkable, he flipped Mr Amitabh Bachan a bird. That was when I saw our Hindustan hero basically went nuts and began to yell like a madman out there in the open road. Like a hostile gorilla taunting for a mate competition. It was quite a sight.

Just as I thought things were about to get interesting, the traffic light suddenly turned green and it was all over for Amitabh Bachan. When most of the car around started to engage their gears to move, he bolted back to his car and had to call it a night for his short episode of roadside drama (unless of course, if he intends to extend our entertainment by getting himself run over by the hordes of vehicles behind him…)

So, no physical contact was made. How disappointing. But then, even if given the chance to, he’d probably just making plenty of noise out there without action. I’ve seen people like him around. They only spell trouble when there’s enough of them to form a mob. When they’re alone with enough attention, they’re just irrational. Just out there to extravagantly display his bruteness. To bask on attentions (Had there been a bus full of Indian chicks witnessing the event, I reckon that he’ll probably tear off his clothes and start assaulting the car trunk with some exaggerated mouth induced sound effects. No shit). To show off to his wife and kids that daddy can be like a macho Hindustan hero too. Bullying undersized pallid Chinese guys, breaking his bones and all the stupid traffic rules in the country. Nothing else.

And that guy definitely reminds me a lot of the people around here in Company X. They’re slugs, worms and invertebrates when alone… but when the boss’s around, they all would suddenly turn into dramatic Hindustan actors, licking clits, sucking dicks and picking ticks.