July 31, 2006

it’s there for a reason

Why do people snore when they sleep? Are they there simply to piss people off or is there a reason behind these low frequency annoyances?

It’s there for a reason, people. That’s what I believe. Quite contrary to general public perception, snoring is not a deficiency (if it is a deficiency, then we guys would have filed for disabled status, and you girls will have to fucking walk farther in the carpark). It’s actually a function of our body that occurs subconsciously, like how our body shivers when cold or when we automatically get a stiffy upon seeing a woman naked (a good looking woman, that is).

To understand why snoring occurs, we have to trace back to our origins, back when our forefathers were still dwelling in caves with gigantic spiders and ill treated their spouses with wooden clubs.

During those prehistorical times, they had to hunt animals to survive, and god knows how many animals had to be killed just to fill a stomach or two. That’s why the animals hold grudges against us human. That’s why they always attack us unprovoked sometimes. It’s because of a simple reason – we were their predators and they fucking hate us.

So how does this connect to snoring? Evolution, people. The evolution made us snore… to ward off against animal attacks. You see, we humans are intelligent, yes… and that makes us dangerous and shit. But when we sleep, our intelligence will be a factor no more, and will be as stupid as a rock. A breathing piece of rock. We don’t react to anything. We’re like, at our most vulnerable state of mind (soccer keyword: open goal). That’s when the coyotes, hyenas, and other mean carnivorous motherfuckers want to have a piece of us back – for eating them relatives and cousins.

That’s when our snoring comes into play. When we sleep, we snore. And when the sound reflects through the tubular cave, it will create an eerie echoing effect that would freak those wild animals away – thinking that we’re wide awake and is at full capability to make them into a kebab supper anytime soon. With that, we get to sleep without any interference from any dark forces of the night. An ingenious evolution that keeps our humanity ass safe.

Then comes civilization, when we don’t dwell in caves no more, and we obtain food by swiping plastic cards over air conditioned counters. But just like hundreds of our other obsoleted body parts (bodily hairs, fangs, coccyx, etc), our snoring lives through the changes of time. Although it does not serve much of its original function anymore in modern era (unless if you still dwell in caves of course), it still plays a few minor roles in our lives. Like waking up the baby and agitate that hyena lying next to you.

[poke poke poke]
“Cackle cackle cackle?? Cackle cackle cackle!”
[hyena language translation: “Can you please be quiet?? You’re waking up the baby!”]

Right now, it only serves as a reminder of our forgotten manlihood… where its usefulness is often shrouded by the gripes of the rodless gender. Like, what do they know about evolution science? These people are lost in their own space of ignorance. I weep for you, mankind. You and your damned hairless scrawny calf with varicose veins.

(some females do snore as well, this is a red flag indicator that the female subject could be aggressive in nature. Beware of snoring females, guys. May the force be with you.)

michaelooi  | enlightenments  | 

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