July 6, 2006

“Superman Returns” (2006)

I made a very big sacrifice yesterday. I gave up my sleep time, and traded the semi final match between France and Portugal, to watch “Superman Returns”. That’s because I’m that much of a fan and I’d go crazy if I don’t watch that movie any sooner.

Alright, I lied. I foolishly gave up that semi final match for that Superman movie because
a) It’s a movie day at the cinema. I pay only 6 bucks for a movie instead of 10 bucks.
b) I thought that Superman movie would worth my time more than ANY soccer match that involves France.

But I was wrong on (b), which in a way, makes (a) kinda null too. The new Superman movie flopped big time and it’s a waste of my money. Why? I’m gonna make this in point form.

– Lame storyline. As usual, Lex Luthor and his relentless effort to take over the world – VERY LAME. Most of the time, the caped one would just fly here and there doing odd jobs saving asses… with no real objective other than to impress Lois back into a relationship. Like, who wants to know about Superman’s affair with Lois Lane? She’s just a reporter who can’t live for another minute without a dick entering her cooter. If I want to watch a love story, I’d go watch a movie about love story. Not Superman. When I watch Superman, I anticipate a significant amount of action. Something like… a superhuman contender to go up against Superman? Yeah. Like King Kong. Maybe, a King Kong who fell into some radioactive stuff, and became a mutated green monster that’s 10 times stronger than Superman? All out to trample on the whole city for the kick of it? Yeahh!

– Preposterous plots. Yeah I know, the whole idea about Superman being able to float around in a blue spandex suit is preposterous itself, but then, we viewers tend to find logic in everything that is happening in the movie. And seriously, a lot of things don’t seem to make a lot of sense in the movie. In the storyline, Superman returns from a long trip to his hometown at Sitiawan, Perak, and return 5 years later to discover way too much changes in his old place – The computers are with 16 million or more colors, LCD screens, color mobile phones with cameras, digital shits, fuel injection cars… MANNNNNN!!!! Like what the fuck happened here??? All that in 5 years? Oh come on! And there’s this Lex Luthor, who never got his parole out of jail to ruin the world, only until Superman returns from Sitiawan, so that he’ll get the chance to be subdued again by the superhero. *shakes head* I may probably find this interesting IF, my IQ is equivalent to a 7 year old kid…

– Movie’s too long. It’s over 140 minutes. And because it also lacked of diggable plots, it makes the whole experience even more tormenting. By the time the movie hits halfway, I began to get restless on the seat. In the process of doing that, my bermuda shorts sort of slid down my waist to the upper region of my ass, exposing my butt crack to the environment. I couldn’t have been more relieved that there weren’t any mosquitoes in there that took liking on my unintentionally exposed soft spot. Mosquito bites can be very nasty on ass crack. I definitely do not want that.

Don’t go to the cinema for it, not even when it’s 6 bucks. Get a pDVD, it’ll be good enough.

Oh and that kid with asthma… that calls Lois Lane mommy? He’s the by-product of Superman’s unsafe sex with Lois Lane. There’s a plot in the movie where the kid flipped a grand piano to crash on one of Lex’s henchmen, to rescue Lois. And that kid, is IMMUNE to kryptonite, unlike his gayish daddy.

There you go, your spoiler of the day.

michaelooi  | movie reviews  | 

19 Comments to ““Superman Returns” (2006)”

  1. Arkane says:

    Well, you shoulda known that this remake has exactly the same plot as the old Superman I back then, the Lex Luthor and Lois Lane stuff included.

    P/S – I thought movie day was on Tuesday

  2. forkyordoder says:

    cool blog man! like the way you describe it ” only 62% evil”

    your daughter is adorable! how many percent evil is she at the moment?

    Your comments about the movie “Superman Returns” though I’m a huge fan of superman, I yet to have the time to watch it, anyhow, you didn’t really mention about the effects, how was it? I’m sure it must be really good by now, compared to ol’ christopher reeves, however my mates tell me they found this actor somehow resembles him.

  3. souplad says:

    nobody attempts to put some coins or popcorns in ya coin slot?

    anyway, the battle between the french and portugese, i think, is as “good” as dat 140min-movie.

  4. michaelooi says:

    arkane – Well, I was hoping for something different. But I could have seen it coming. Silly me.

    forkyodder – The effect’s kinda good. The renderings made the cape looked kinda realistic. You know, the red reflected lights in different shade of lightings… conforming to the nature of material radiation. It was realistic most of the time (there are a few scenes where the 3D rendered Superman looked kinda ‘plastic’ and stiff…)

    souplad – I didn’t watch that match, and glad I didn’t. Any match with an only goal conceived from a penalty, can’t be that interesting…

    I will support Italy this Sunday, but then, I’m not very confident about them winning the cup this round. (it’ll be fun to see those Italians cry like fuck…)

  5. I friggin loved the movie, mate. :) But i knew after watching it, that many people will hate it, because they would go expecting Superman to kick ass with some giant mutated monkey or something. :) i hear theres gonna be supey 2 and supey 3 on the way..

  6. Sooi2 says:

    U mean superman had sex with lois lane?? shudn’t be a problem to get out of his red lingerie but i wonder where’s the zip/button for that blue body suit.

  7. Sexy says:

    You are a member of what I consider to be the “Lower Common Denominator”

  8. Gee… i wrote highly recommended in my blog… sob sob sob…

    * hitting my head on the tiang lampu *

  9. Gallivanter says:

    Supey disappointed because of its shoddy script. But, there’s definitely hope for the next instalment.

  10. bongkersz says:

    Suparman.. suparman… boring boring movie.. haih..

  11. michaelooi says:

    LordApprentice – Well, it’s just not my kind of liking. I’m sure there are a lot of people may find it entertaining.

    Sooi2 – Your question will be answered tomorrow. Watch this space.

    Sexy – You are a member of what I consider to be the “Lower Level of Trishaw Peddler Cocksucker”

    william – The girls will concur with you. They just love to see Superman and his package wrapped in fitting tights…

    gallivanter – Hope so. Maybe a formidable villain as suggested in the post…

    bongkersz – Supramaniam…

  12. Asa says:

    From the begining, u shud have predicted the storyline will goes like dat. started from superman 1, the same old story abt superman and lois kept repeating like neverending. the only thing changed was the new superman i found him more handsome than the old one. IF i were u, i rather stay at home watch the world cup match, eventhough its was france. or mayb u can watch ur lovely daughter than superman. hehe!

  13. Nicevil says:

    You know.. Superman’s sex partner cannot possibly survive.

    Think about it, the moment he ejaculate the momentum of super-cum is enough to propel the poor lady 1000 miles away.

    Or when he starts f******…. it’s like a cannon blast into a woman… omfg.

    Lois lane must be secretly a wonder-woman or something.

  14. michaelooi says:

    asa – I thought Christopher Reeves looked better. This new guy is too ‘baby faced’ to be Superman… but, he did the role kinda good.

    NicEvil – Wow, great observation you have. Learn a lot I must.

  15. Hijackqueen says:

    There has been a lot of bad review on the ‘returns’. I don’t even bother to check them out.

  16. Adrian says:

    Let’s just hope the ashmatic kid won’t wear the same spandex suit with the red underwear outside. At least I would hope he will wear a boxer or something.

  17. bongkersz says:

    or wear a g-string..

  18. slacker says:

    yeah yeah the story is damn lame,crap u pay 6 buks for tht money but if buy dvd cost around 10,might as well download it.

  19. EinsamSoldat says:

    Its not about the baby super… i just wonder how many time & how often super & Lois makes a good quickie. Perhaps 1 bad day super juz shot that knocked Lois up… Never know super is a “chiew yin soong” :(

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