There, it happened again. Another case of mistaken identity. Somebody wrongly sent me another email, again.

This time, it was from a lady who also hails from Company X. A quick glance through her mail threads, I managed to make out that she was helping her friend, Lady P (name modified to preserve her like a pickle), to contact a law firm for her legal proceedings on a purchase of an apartment unit (or something like that). And somewhere in the middle of the mail exchange, Lady P copied her father into the discussion, who also goes by the name ‘Michael Ooi’ (sounds familiar, eh?).

It was all fine until that good samaritan lady accidentally replied to another ‘Michael Ooi’ in Company X corporate directory, which is yours truly the magnificent…

I replied them back of course, since daddy has only enough fatherly love for 1 baby girl at the moment. Here’s my reply to them:

Ermm, girls, as far as I can remember,

a) I do not have a daughter that goes by the name Lady P…

b) I’m only 28 years old, and if at present my daughter’s at the age of needing a lawyer, I would have already been her father when I was still schooling – which, I totally have no recollection of.

c) I’m absolutely positive that my daughter doesn’t have an email address, yet. Well, she might be keeping a secret email account out of my knowledge, but I don’t think she’d do that to me. (that’s because I’m the one who buys her milk powder and she’d still be needing me to wipe her yellow poo out of her 14 days-old tush)

After counter verifying the facts with my wife and doctor (in case I had any known case of amnesia due to work depression), I vehemently believe that one of you girls might have copied your mail to the wrong address (my address), and mistaken me as your father (I hope I’m right about this…)

Perhaps, you may want to verify your actual dad’s email address again and copy him in case he ever gets jealous of all the attention I’m getting… (unless, if you plan to surprise me with a brand new car as father’s day gift, which I’ll have no qualms accepting it…)

;-)

Michael Ooi
Failure Analysis Engineer – [Company X]
Direct Line (office): [phone number]
Direct Line (lab) : [phone number]
Direct Fax: [fax number]
*”Mankind has always dreamed of destroying the sun” — Mr. Burns*

I think the name ‘Michael’ is too a common name for a wonderful guy like me. Maybe I should change my name to a more unique one. Like those farts from China… eg. Alligator, Chimpanzee, Rolex, Viagra, Astroglide, etc.

I’m sure almost all of you working class people have encountered dopes before. You know dopes? People that makes our life difficult? People that induces stroke amongst their co-workers with their sheer stupidity? It is them that I’m talking about.

So what the fuck are they doing here? How did they end up at my workplace, Company X? Or rather, at YOUR workplace? The hiring system. It is all wrong. All of them. Somehow, after advancing so many millenniums of civilization, we human failed to realize the fundamentals of natural selection, and ultimately, leading ourselves towards mental decadence.

Now, you may be wondering what’s wrong here? Ask yourself, what do we people normally do prior hiring a person? Conduct an interview. I tell you, interviews are fucked up. Do you really think those stupid fuck interviews are really that efficient to determine if a person’s the right candidate for any particular job? Fuck no. That’s because it’s simply impossible for one to be able to filter out a dope from merely a couple hours’ worth of conversation. To tell apart a retard, maybe… but definitely not a dope.

A dope, as stupid as he can be, will definitely try to look and sound at his best for an interview (a blatant act of deception). Logic tells me, that if you want to know the ability of a person, you don’t actually ask the person himself if he’s good. The person won’t admit that he’s a dope. He would be a retard if he does that. You don’t want a retard to work for you anyway. That’s why I said it’s all wrong. Conducting an interview for a job vacancy is defying logic. It’s like giving a child the chance to cheat in an examination. Or asking to be deceived… only to discover the hard way later that the person you interviewed is by no means who he’s supposed to be. It happens all the fucking time.

A good example would be Panda, if you can remember her… The bright straight A scorer. Good academic background. Very promising during the interview. But when she started work, only then my friend Wilson realized that she basically didn’t even have the ability to tell apart a screwdriver versus a hockey stick… (alright, I may have exaggerated a bit far off…). By then, it was already too late to do anything about it, but to painstakingly go through a tedious employee removal process… a waste of time and resources.

So why do we still use this same oldskool method to induct more dopes into our lives? I don’t know. Maybe there have been too much dopes around that they’re taking over the entire rein of management, and are attempting to steer mankind backwards to their pre-civilized era. Like, if there’s anyone in the management who’s not a dope, they could have realized that already… (a dope won’t think a fellow dope’s a dope, if you get me…). Or maybe we’re all dopes and we don’t even know it… (except me of course, to be able to figure out all these…)

But whatever the reason is, it doesn’t matter now. What we can do now, is to do things the right way. Michael’s Smart people’s way. Just ditch the interview idea. Instead of interviews, we make a bunch of potential job candidates work for a period of time (without wage) and let the existing subordinates review their performances. The one with the highest performance review, gets the job. (in case you’re wondering, yes, it’s almost like the concept of that reality show… The Apprentice… though I have not really watched it before). And no, that’s not even a probational period… since there’s no contract signed or wages paid. If the person’s slow, or in any way, fails to perform within expectation, he/she can just be escorted out without having to worry about violating any employment contract. Awesome, isn’t it? Natural selection concept. That’s how crocodiles ruled the Nile till this day…

In the meanwhile, I think I’ll continue to mope and shirk around the office… and then hope that one day, I’ll be able to get around these dopes, take over their management posts and do all the changes I currently have in mind… (first thing to implement, sack the roti canai cook…). I’m very optimistic about that, wish me luck.