June 28, 2006

confinement taboos

My quest for confinement remedies continues… Here are some of the gothic shits I’ve got from people around me (friends and relatives).

Stuff the daddy’s worn-out underwear under baby’s pillow,
Do that and the baby will supernaturally undergo some self-instigated ethical correctional process. I’ve blogged about this before. Read it here.

Thou shalt not praise or flatter the baby in front of him/her.
Or she’ll get complacent and becometh the opposite of what you’re praising about. Eg. If you exclaim ‘how cuuuuute!!!’ in front of the baby, she’s going to turn into Mick Jagger the next day. As if it’s not already happening on our adult counterparts… Don’t believe me? Try to jack up any girl you happen to see around you… and witness the almost instant change in her character…

Thou shalt not whiff or kiss a baby when she’s sleeping
Or the baby will get nightmares and becometh restless the whole night. This was from my mom. Hell, I’d get nightmares too, if I were to be involuntarily kissed or whiffed by shapeshifters and excited middle aged men alike…

Sticketh a small bit of tissue paper with saliva on baby’s forehead.
to allay baby’s hiccups. This has got to be the bizarrest shit I’ve heard in my life. And what if we stick the tissue paper on the baby’s cheek instead? It would reverse the greenhouse effect? Sheesh…

Thou shalt not kneel the baby in any way
According to some ancient Chinese belief, one should not kneel to a person younger than him/her. This will somehow skew the younger lad’s karma, and retard his/her ability to drive a motorized vehicle in future. Kidding… actually, it is believed that it may cause the person (baby) to fall sick.

Babies are to stayth awayth fromth pregnant ladies at all cost
Or the baby will become rebellious and less cooperative, and grow up to becometh Mat Komando. Hmmm, I do agree that certain pregnant ladies can get soooooo fucking ugly, that it’ll cause anxiety and sometimes, even uncontrollable seizure to any unfortunate gazer… (for extreme cases, to mess up a minor’s childhood and turn them into a psychopathic bank robber)

Mothers within confinement period are not allowed to watch televisionth
Or the family dog will explode. Kidding again. Emily’s colleague told us that ladies in confinement are many times more susceptible to TV radiation and face higher risk of shortsightedness. Not sure if there’s any truth in it… My suspect is, this could very well be a gimmick by crafty businessmen to coax us into buying LCD/Plasma TV… “Ok dear, for the sake of your well being, let’s buy a plasma TV”

Mothers within confinement period are not allowed to drink water while standing up.
Or she’ll infuriate The Spirit of Tantalum Capacitors. When His Capacitance is furious, you will not like him… for He, will not hesitate to quadruply your electric bill for the next 3.5 years and make your life that much miserable…
Alright, frankly speaking, I’m not sure why such act is forbidden. Maybe to prevent colic, or simply, to make the mom sit down and not to obstruct the TV (hey, they’re not supposed to watch TV in the first place…)

I’m sure there are more, but I just can’t seem to remember them all.

If you happen to have heard of any bizarre taboos that has not been mentioned above, do tell me about it. I’ll update the list accordingly.

michaelooi  | satirical shit  | 

14 Comments to “confinement taboos”

  1. I only know one thing… all food has ginger!

  2. dSaint says:

    As if it’s not already happening on our adult counterparts… Don’t believe me? Try to jack up any girl you happen to see around you… and witness the almost instant change in her character…

    actually, the change in character would be your wife or gf ler. beware of flying senduks.

  3. michaelooi says:

    william – That’s not a taboo lar right? That’s some traditional way of makaning…

    dSaint – If that brings you so much pleasure in life, what’s a flying senduk or two? I’m sure you know what I meant, pal ;)

  4. Arkane says:

    “A woman under confinement shalt not washeth her hair for 12 days, shalt not sleep in air conditioneth roomth and shalt not beareth the directh wind from a fan”

    I wonder if that refers to only the hair on top of her head. Blehhhh…let the person who came up with this rule try to stink herself to death by not bathing and sleeping in an oven.

  5. inevitable says:

    I have one but it is during the pregnant period.

    “No renovation in the house or any other places where the pregnant lady is or the future baby will have physical disabilities”

  6. michaelooi says:

    arkane – Yeah, I know about this. This is more like traditional way of doings rather than a taboo. It’s based on popular belief that a female under confinement is like a programmable flash IC, you flash it with goodies, it’ll become good. You flash it with fuckies, she’ll be fucked up. Water causes colic, so, it has to be avoided. Something like that…

    inevitable – Oh I’ve heard about it before. Bizarre isn’t it? They believe all that could cause physical disabilities in their babies, but they never managed to figure out that alcohol and cigarettes can pretty much pose similar risks…

  7. Hijackqueen says:

    Confinement lady are advise to sit while drinking to prevent sudden leak of urine in future. That is when they suddenly burst into uncontrollable laughter or etc…

    There are actually many many more taboos. hmm… let see. I’ll contribute on to you. During confinement, do not change your bedsheet or else baby will get cranky or naughty. Some say don’t let baby wear a pant. Just put a diaper on, enough. Anyway, they are wrapped up in their blanket all day long. Reason also so that baby will be kwai-kwai. Eh, you forgot all about the 30 days no bathing thing. yewwwwwwwww

  8. Arkane says:

    How bout this one.

    “A woman under confinement shalt not drinketh water but shalt replaceth the water with red date soup.”

    Imagine, nothing but red dates for the entire month. Phew…lucky I ain’t a woman.

  9. the most ridiculous taboo I’ve heard is that women in confinement shall not sleep in the same room with the spouse…

  10. . says:

    I think the red date soup is to replace the hemoglobins lost during childbirth and after. Red dates full of iron maaa…

    “women in confinement shall not sleep in the same room with the spouse”???

    Yeah, to avoid the wife getting knocked up again so soon. Look at Britney Spears.

  11. Sooi2 says:

    how abt thou shalt not eat anything with dark soya sauce otherwise u turn black like the sauce oso?

  12. michaelooi says:

    I wonder how was it like when we were still cavemen… did we have so much difficult rules and regulations to follow during confinement?

    I bet it was all centered on how not to get eaten by hyenas…

  13. tracybadtz says:

    mom used to tell me, that i wasn’t allowed to comment things like ‘eee, ur feet so small’ or ‘eeee, your eyes so big’ or ‘eeee, your nose so flat’ about babies…not sure why though.
    maybe the baby will grow up with small feet/big eyes/flat nose..

  14. shin says:

    oh dear great mike, what is confinement period? sry, abit blur.

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