It was the day…

08.15 am - Arrived at the hospital. We’re supposed to be there 45 minutes earlier.

08.20 am - One of the nurses asked if I would like to witness my baby’s birth. I said no. She asked - why not. I said I’m chickening out. She left me alone after that.

08.25 am - Emily was ushered into a ward room to prepare up for the operation. I was made to wait outside the ward. The corridor was damn cold. Or was it me getting nervous?

08.25 am - The doctor arrives. He commented something about us being late and him being out of schedule. He should complain this to the city council for having such a screwed up traffic - not to a nervous father-to-be who doesn’t give a fuck about everything else on the planet at that particular warp of time.

08.30 am - A senior nurse came by and asked again, if I would like to witness my baby’s birth. I said no. She asked - why not. I said I’m not into that kind of shit. She said I won’t be able to see any of those shits as it’ll be shielded off from view. Then wouldn’t that defy the whole purpose of being inside the room? She said to be the first to hold the baby maa. I told her the first person will always be the doctor. She left me alone after that.

08.40 am - Emily, now draped with a piece of operating table cloth and a shower cap, was being pushed out on a trolley bed. I asked the nurse should I just wait there or somewhere else? She said I can tag along to send her. I tagged along and it was the longest walk.

08.45 am - Went to the hospital cafeteria for breakfast after sending off Emily. I started to get so nervous, that I dropped a sausage off my plate onto the floor, picked it up and ate it - without washing.

09.00 am - I settled onto an uncomfortable waiting chair at the other end of a long corridor leading to the operating theater. There were a lot of upset people around that area - it was something about the family grandma who got mugged and assaulted, and was fighting for her life. I was at the wrong place.

09.05 am - Somebody opened an unlocked restroom door and was greeted by a loud shriek from inside. Apparently, there was a teenage girl taking a poop inside the toilet… and I can see her bare tushy. (I was directly opposite the door). A sign from god that my baby’s definitely gonna be a girl?

09.10 am - The atmosphere at the waiting area worsens. Family members of ailing grandma got really agitated and was making random phone calls to relatives. The pressure inside my temple mounts. I started to wonder if I should just leave the area and wait at the operating theater entrance.

09.15 am - I’ve had enough. Just as I was about to leave the waiting area, a loud cry of an infant cuts through the tension. It was the most badass loud cry I’ve ever heard in my life and was crescendoing towards my direction from the operating theater. Could that be our baby? My heart rate was approximately 140bps (that’s roughly about the rate of Paul Oakenfold’s fastest mix, i think)

09.15 am - I scurried towards the source of noise and met a nurse pushing a mobile cot. Inside the cot, was a delicate newborn. I asked nurse if that baby was mine (I was nervous and being stupid). She said if my wife’s Emily, then yes. I was instantly promoted to sainthood from being a jerk.

09.15 am - I attempted to whiff the baby, nurse restrained me from doing so. I got really psyched up, punched the nurse to the floor, gave her a drop kick and ruptured her uterus. I was snapped back into reality when she told me I can do the whiffing at the nursery, instead of obstructing the traffic at the corridor. I complied.

09.16 am - At the nursery. Nurse told me the baby has a set of very healthy lungs and a flair of crying out loud. I acknowledged. She then showed me the baby’s nether region to confirm her gender and I took the first whiff off Regine’s head. I savoured the moment for only 5 seconds or more, before the nurse had to take her away from me to a warmer. (to stabilize baby’s body temperature).

09.16 am - I went back to Emily’s ward and waited again. Emily was to only come out an hour or more later. I made use of the time to call up my mom to announce the good news. Mom got an orgasm through the phone - the first ever achieved by a post-menopausal shapeshifter in womankind history.

10.40 am - Emily’s finally back at the ward, just awaken from her deep anaesthetic slumber. She was visibly upset and kept asking if the baby’s alright. I told her the baby’s alright and is in the warmer.

1 something pm - After a long perilous wait, the mother and daughter finally got reunited.

My life has changed since.