Archive for June, 2006

June 29, 2006

petak mak hang

I went to a fastfood outlet other day to collect a stack of vouchers that I ordered a few days earlier. Since it was supposed to be a quick one, I shoved my car into an empty space very near to the outlet to save some walking, and bolted off to settle the errand. I thought that it would be quick enough for me to return before anyone realizes it was even there.

But I was wrong. When I returned to my car 5 minutes later, I found this tucked under my windscreen wiper.

In case your hollow head could not figure out what that thing is, it’s a parking ticket.

There’s something scribbled in the ‘violation’ column on the ticket:

Meletak kereta diluar petak di dlm kawasan letak kereta

Translated as: ‘Car was parked out of the designated lot inside a parking area’

Initially, I was pretty much cool about the ticket – since I’ve committed a very serious offense which may jeopardize the safety of many innocent people – what’s a mere 30 ringgit compound to offset that crime? It’s a rare privilege for me, and in fact, I should be thankful for not having to be executed for that.

But I began to lose it after I read that line of slanderous description. I went from ‘reasonably cool’ to ‘absolutely mad’ in the matter of split seconds. “Nah!! Di luar petak cheebye mak hang lah!!! pukimak lu!!!”

First of all, my car was not parked in a ‘kawasan letak kereta’ (parking area). It was parked by the curb of a rather wide road, and it was a ‘no parking’ zone. Secondly, there wasn’t any petak (designated lot) either, it was a goddamn yellow line. So how the hell could I ‘park my car out of the designated lot’ if there wasn’t a single parking lot there in the first place? This is totally ridiculous.

If you totally do not get me, just imagine yourself getting pulled over for overspeeding, only to receive a compound for indecently copulating with a motorcycle exhaust pipe in public… Would that make any sense to you? As you can see, this isn’t really about the violation of parking in a ‘no parking’ zone. It’s about the principles of doing things right here. I don’t understand why can’t they just write me a ticket for illegal parking. It would have made things so much simpler…

I stood there glowering at the sheet of statutory blackmail for about a few seconds, boiled over with steam out of my ears and finally, released a loud “FUCKKKK!!!!”, as if that could somehow vaporize the thing away into thin air…

But I know, there is basically nothing much that I can do about, but to swallow it up like everything is fucking alright, and compliantly pony up the cash for the compound. Yeah right, like I’m gonna do that. Ptuiii!!!

michaelooi  | rantings  | 15 Comments
June 28, 2006

confinement taboos

My quest for confinement remedies continues… Here are some of the gothic shits I’ve got from people around me (friends and relatives).

Stuff the daddy’s worn-out underwear under baby’s pillow,
Do that and the baby will supernaturally undergo some self-instigated ethical correctional process. I’ve blogged about this before. Read it here.

Thou shalt not praise or flatter the baby in front of him/her.
Or she’ll get complacent and becometh the opposite of what you’re praising about. Eg. If you exclaim ‘how cuuuuute!!!’ in front of the baby, she’s going to turn into Mick Jagger the next day. As if it’s not already happening on our adult counterparts… Don’t believe me? Try to jack up any girl you happen to see around you… and witness the almost instant change in her character…

Thou shalt not whiff or kiss a baby when she’s sleeping
Or the baby will get nightmares and becometh restless the whole night. This was from my mom. Hell, I’d get nightmares too, if I were to be involuntarily kissed or whiffed by shapeshifters and excited middle aged men alike…

Sticketh a small bit of tissue paper with saliva on baby’s forehead.
to allay baby’s hiccups. This has got to be the bizarrest shit I’ve heard in my life. And what if we stick the tissue paper on the baby’s cheek instead? It would reverse the greenhouse effect? Sheesh…

Thou shalt not kneel the baby in any way
According to some ancient Chinese belief, one should not kneel to a person younger than him/her. This will somehow skew the younger lad’s karma, and retard his/her ability to drive a motorized vehicle in future. Kidding… actually, it is believed that it may cause the person (baby) to fall sick.

Babies are to stayth awayth fromth pregnant ladies at all cost
Or the baby will become rebellious and less cooperative, and grow up to becometh Mat Komando. Hmmm, I do agree that certain pregnant ladies can get soooooo fucking ugly, that it’ll cause anxiety and sometimes, even uncontrollable seizure to any unfortunate gazer… (for extreme cases, to mess up a minor’s childhood and turn them into a psychopathic bank robber)

Mothers within confinement period are not allowed to watch televisionth
Or the family dog will explode. Kidding again. Emily’s colleague told us that ladies in confinement are many times more susceptible to TV radiation and face higher risk of shortsightedness. Not sure if there’s any truth in it… My suspect is, this could very well be a gimmick by crafty businessmen to coax us into buying LCD/Plasma TV… “Ok dear, for the sake of your well being, let’s buy a plasma TV”

Mothers within confinement period are not allowed to drink water while standing up.
Or she’ll infuriate The Spirit of Tantalum Capacitors. When His Capacitance is furious, you will not like him… for He, will not hesitate to quadruply your electric bill for the next 3.5 years and make your life that much miserable…
Alright, frankly speaking, I’m not sure why such act is forbidden. Maybe to prevent colic, or simply, to make the mom sit down and not to obstruct the TV (hey, they’re not supposed to watch TV in the first place…)

I’m sure there are more, but I just can’t seem to remember them all.

If you happen to have heard of any bizarre taboos that has not been mentioned above, do tell me about it. I’ll update the list accordingly.

michaelooi  | satirical shit  | 14 Comments
June 27, 2006

do you play golf?

My boss announced a very disconcerting news to our team – that one of our technicians will be leaving the company for good, and there won’t be any backfill for his position. Drastic cost cutting measure – the boss said. The departing tech’s responsibilities will thus be evenly distributed among the existing subordinates, that’s us. Short to say, we’re fucked.

But strangely, I noticed a certain department in Company X that has been actively hiring as if they’re on a mission to dominate the planet… and that’s when I decided to ask my boss about it

Me : “If it’s all about cost, then why are we seeing so much hiring going on at [Department X]?”

Boss : “Well, the latest news I got was a headcount freeze. Maybe the hiring happened before the freeze?”

Me : “Maybe you didn’t play enough golf with the Vice President?”

Boss : “I don’t like golf…”

Me : “You should.”

That explains.

Sure enough, the director of that certain Department X is a well known bootlicker (I’ve blogged about him before – here). And needless to say, he is a golf enthusiast and he mingles around with the right people and always got his wish granted with very little effort. He’s got alllll the advantage, just by playing golf. Despicable, but an effective stratagem nevertheless.

So what does that tell you? You do not need real capabilities and intelligence to be a leader (this is what I’ve learned from experience). Just as long as you can play golf and be able to keep your boss happy. Doesn’t matter if you have a PhD in management or the ability to insert a 7 foot object up your ass (unless you’re a hot and young girl). If you can’t play golf, you’re pretty much as useless as an appendix. You will face obstacles. One after another.

Just like me. Underpaid, lack of life, deluged with work… a typical corporate drone. The only thing that’s left a lot in me are my pride and ego. But those won’t cut me my share of success. Those are the things that complicate matters… and make bosses unhappy. When bosses are unhappy, I’d get lower priority to promote and more work to do. All that, is because I don’t play golf.

It’s amazing to think how little effort is required for a person to just indulge themselves in this seemingly harmless activity… and the difference that it could make to your life. How difficult is it to just dress yourself up in your worst sense of fashion and walk around on some artificial grass holding an odd looking club (if you can’t get yourself to suck a dick)? Not at all. But then, still, I can’t seem to make myself do all that. I’m an utterly hopeless person.

So, people, unless you want to be as hopeless like me, go learn how to play golf. It’ll get you to where you want to go…

Now back to work.

michaelooi  | work shit  | 26 Comments
June 25, 2006

proton satria neo

Somebody at Autoworld refer it as ‘nyior’, heheh… I thought that was pretty funny.

Alright, I’ve seen this car, and what do I think of it personally? Well, good and bad. The good of it, is that the front portion of this car definitely looks too good to be a Proton. The bad, that is the only thing good about… this… this… junk… car… whatever you want to call it.

Whoaa what happened?

I’m gonna make this in point form.

– The interior is still too ‘plasticky’ in my opinion, JUST LIKE its cousin, Proton Savvy. I just don’t feel good about it. The interior’s kinda neat, yes, but it was the plastic grade that turned me off. Cheap, creaky plastics.

One thing about these plastics I’ve noticed, is that it’s being very widely used in contemporary Proton models (and some low-end Korean makes as well). The older models (Saga, Iswara and Ah Beng Wira) don’t seem to have this kind of material in them at all. It all only started with Waja, I believe… and after that, it sort of like became a major ingredient for all Proton products thereafter. BIG MISTAKE, fuckers… (maybe they’re being used due to the cost factor, but what do I care, really…)

In case you don’t have an idea what I’m talking about, you may perform following simple test to distinguish these ‘cheap plastics’ from the conventional ones:
– use your fingernails, and try to sink it deep onto the surface of the plastic
– if it sinks in and gives you that ‘rubbery’ or elastic feel, it’s by means all good (in my own terms, of course. Why? That’s because the ‘rubbery’ texture would dampen a significant level of noise when there’s a surface to surface contact, and you’ll get a that-much-quieter car)
– if it slips off the smooth surface, then you may start to scream… IT’S CHEAP PLASTIC!

Usually black in color if it’s not being spray painted on, and if you apply some pressure on it, you’ll get some unexpected creaking sound effect. (You’ll see plenty of those on Kancil, Savvy and Waja – among the examples)

– The cabin space was too small for me. I used to co-own a 1.3L Satria with Emily, and I don’t remember feeling all too crampy about it. As for this car, there seems to be very little headroom left for me… and if I were to go through some really nasty bumps, my head’s bound to hit the roof. Now, I’m not really a tall guy, just about the height of Michael Schumacher… but I can’t imagine if this were to be driven by a 6 footer? Man, on top of getting frequent knock from above, that guy’s gonna get all the heating as well, and would probably develop a crop circle pattern on the top of his head in the long run – which, can be quite nice if you aspire to look like Zinedine Zidane.

I don’t know if the reduced space is suppose to bring any good but, it’s definitely not a car meant for big people. For petite chicks maybe, or a midget. Or squirrels. Or someone the size of a squirrel.

And that was it. I had enough. The car can come with ABS, Airbag, or a biological fuckable cunt, for all I care. I couldn’t be bothered. It’s just too small, and the interior just didn’t cut it for me. I’d rather spend my money on a used continental car instead.

(girls, that should give you a hint that, should you ever spot a guy driving a Proton Satria Neo, he’s not likely to be a tall person. Well, at least not someone who can give you a sense of security, you know what I mean? *wink*)

michaelooi  | automobiles  | 13 Comments
June 23, 2006

addicted to her

For the past 1 week, I’ve been getting hit at work by Regine’s scent. Not matter where I go, my olfactory senses would sporadically tell me that she’s right next to me. The overpowering scent of her soft skin marinated in baby sweat and grease… I’m not even sure if this whole smell thing that I caught was occurring subconsciously or what, but of course, when I started to sniff around for the source of her scent in front of my work PC, I never fail to look like a consummate psycho who has a kink in making out with electronic objects…

I think I’m addicted to my own daughter. Maybe I should stop cut down the whiffings on her head and pillow… and free myself from this enslavement…


Regine: “Muahahahahhhhahahah! Snort snort”

michaelooi  | 3-of-us  | 19 Comments