Archive for May, 2006

May 10, 2006

what to eat

A couple of my colleagues were in the heat of a conversation in the cafeteria, talking about adopting a healthy lifestyle. They were like calibrating each other’s knowledge about what is causing the most common illness in the society. Amongst them, were the scores of unhealthy food that we eat everyday… which two of them strongly concurred.

From what I manage to gather from their discussion, it seems that we should avoid these food at best:

– processed food (preservatives may cause cancer)
– green and well vegetables (pesticide)
– beans and spinach (uric acid)
– alcohol based beverages (fucks liver, bad behavior)
– dairy food (stupidity, kidding…)
– greasy food (cholesterol, cellulite, obstruction to traffic)

Which pretty much startled me stupid. That’s because, those are the usual stuffs I eat everyday!

That means, if I really want to be healthy, I should consider changing my diet into something healthier, like maybe… plastics… glasses… table cloths… or maybe discarded electronic boards.

Alright, frankly speaking, I don’t fucking know what is left for me to eat (nor there is any purpose in life to live) if it isn’t those that I’ve been eating all these while. As far as I know, almost none of our regular food are natural anymore. There has to be something added to keep them abundant to feed everyone’s ass. Pesticides, antibiotics, botox, you name it.

Those ‘chemical free’ organic food on the other hand, are probably too overpriced to be consumed as regular daily food. And I’d probably get much higher risk of suffering from a stroke for paying that much just to fucking eat. Or worse, hit by a garbage truck while traveling to that exotic location to look for my specially prepared organic food. Goddamn.

My point is, you can be anal with what you eat and be as ascetic as you want, but still… it will never be enough to guarantee you a healthy life. You’ll still likely to get ill or die out of other causes. Like maybe the toxic air that you breathe, an infectious beaver that you eat or simply, a bigass tsunami that mows your town flat and everybody fucking dies. You get the idea. There’s just no guarantee for anything on this planet.

I’d say, just eat and drink whatever you want, just don’t over do it. Life is too short, you’ve got to absorb the fun like a sponge. It is always better to die average as a happy man/woman, rather than to live a long boring life unfulfilled.

So, grab a burrito today, and fuck those health freaks away!

michaelooi  | thoughts  | 13 Comments
May 9, 2006

augtiwatever

MSN…

me : most IT geeks wear specs

friend : yah… it’s a wonder i don’t. kekeke. i have another type of problem tho… augtiwatever. can’t fucking spell that “problem”.. it’s when u see things, especially lights, and it tends to look cloudy/spreaded

me : astigmatism

friend : YEAYEA that’s the one. i always mix that spelling with augtism or autism or something like that.. hyperactiveness

me : if it starts with an “A” followed by a “U”…. then it can only be ‘autistic’. if you’re autistic, you won’t be MSN-ing with me right now

friend : LOL~ why not? maybe i can control

me : you’ll probably be playing with your shits inside a toilet at some special school somewhere…

******

But strangely, autistic people seem to have special places in my workplace. More often than anything else, they get hired as highly paid managers/directors to read an email or two, make inept remarks, to herd low income sheep (like me) and sometimes, to complicate matters a bit… just so that everyone has their fair share of shit to clean up.

Not to say that it’s a bad thing… coz these people are the ones who adorn our corporate life with colors … so as the experience would not be so vapid like fucking a concrete monsoon drain. *nods slowly* It’s a good thing… it’s a good thing. (assure me then, if it’s not)

michaelooi  | e-chats  | 7 Comments
May 8, 2006

more things

It’s that time of the year again. This time, I was given an opportunity to feedback MORE…

~~~~~~

1) What feedback would you like to share with your manager’s manager (i.e. the person to whom your manager/supervisor directly reports)? These comments will appear in your manager’s manager’s report if five or more comments are received.
My feedback:
3 things:
– I need a higher wage.
– I need a higher wage.
– I need a higher wage.

2) What do you like most about [company X]?
My feedback:
Overpaid low IQ people that make funny mistakes. I get uncannily happy and lighten up each time I see these people pulling blunders at the least expected time. Great job!

3) What is the one thing you would most like improved at [company X]?
My feedback:
The cafeteria at [location x]. It’s overcrowded, musty and the food there is as stale as a volume of coagulated lard liposucked out of a dead blimp’s cellulite.
I remember there has been a cafeteria committee of some kind being set up to improve the cafeteria, but all they ever noticeably did was to set up an odd looking FOUNTAIN to improve the vibes of the wretched place. But little did they know – A FOUNTAIN WON’T IMPROVE THE FOOD QUALITY AND CONGESTION PROBLEMS.

We work hard to improve the customer experience OUT THERE… but sadly, little has been done to improve the customer experiences IN HERE. I plead for the management to put some consideration to upgrade the cafeteria – we deserve to have something better to fill our stomachs (and while you’re at that, we would also appreciate a couple of company-subsidized Starbucks outlet for us to hang out)

~~~~~~

Initially, I so wanted to highlight that the management ought to impose a compulsory brain scan at the frontgate of hiring, so that we do not make more mistakes by hiring those deceptive brain-damage individuals out there… But after a careful thought, I figured that it might be a good thing for me to work around with more stupid people – I’d get so much more opportunity to impress the shit out of the upper management with so much less effort…

michaelooi  | work shit  | 5 Comments
May 7, 2006

physical contact

When I was resting my hand on Emily’s tummy the other day, I felt a hump bobbing up from it. Thinking that it might be some kind of a message, I made a series of gentle taps on Emily’s tummy… which was a string of complex Morse codes to ask for the well being of the inhabitant inside.

But I wasn’t expecting any reply to that, I was just doing it out of boredom’s sake. Then it happened. I felt a couple more bobs from Emily’s tummy after the taps, then it stopped. I tapped a few more times, and it responded with more bobs. This exchange of ‘almost’ physical contact (separated by a layer of epidermis, a layer of placenta membrane, through a molecular volume of amnion fluid and possibly, even a layer of indeterminable thickness of lardy substance – which all only amounted to not more of an inch) went on for quite sometime, before either one of us became too tired and ceased the act.

I think I’ve managed to establish some kind of primitive communication with my unborn daughter. The feeling’s ecstatic. (she’s complaining about the lack of air conditioning inside)

michaelooi  | 3-of-us  | 14 Comments
May 4, 2006

problem solving guide II

Having a problem with your personal computer? Don’t know what to do? Worry not! Again, let me help you with your problems! I hereby, have prepared a remedy guide (in a convenient FAQ format, again) that specifically addresses the most common problems that a personal computer could ever encounter.

Case #1
Q: Each time I press the power on button on my portable computer, the LEDs on its keyboard will flash several times and then the computer shuts off… What’s happening here?? That thing’s supposed to be brand new! [squeal]
A: How unfortunate. But I reckon that it’s not as unfortunate as those poor people in Africa. They hardly get anything to wear at all… what more a portable computer to entertain themselves. Instead of getting anal over petty matters like this, you should probably count your blessings for that advantage and live with it. Or you can choose to buy another notebook computer…

Case #2
Q: When I try to move my mouse pointer to the left, it would drift off to the right. When I try to left click on something, it would just disappear. I’m getting really frustrated over this… Somebody told me that this might be a motherboard problem… how do I confirm this?
A: Just live with it. Think about those emaciated children suffering in Africa… heck they’re so starved, that they will eat a real rodent, that is… if they could ever find one. You should be feeling grateful for what you have… or you can choose to move to another mouse.

Case #3
Q: My harddisk keeps emitting these strange noises. It was as if there are a thousand microscopic carpenters working on something from inside it. Is this normal?
A: Strange or not, you should think about those unfortunate people suffering in Africa. Do they give a rat’s ass about strange noises coming out from a fucking harddisk? NO! They’re more like worried about whether they could see the dawn of the next day. Just, get used to it… or you can choose to leave your country and go somewhere quieter…

Case #4
Q: Each time I connect my computer to an electrical outlet from the wall, it would trip the whole damn building! What the fucking hell is going on here??
A: You should feel lucky that you actually have a building with electricity to trip on in the first place. Do you know that there are many unfortunate souls out there in Africa that only have the plain sky as their shelter? The only electricity they ever get is a big nasty lightning bolt from the mean ass sky, and the only time they ever get to experience a trip… is when they have their brain cooked with a few million volts of overstress. So, feel lucky already, shut the fuck up and live with it. Or you can move to another house that doesn’t trip.

Case #5
Q: My pet dog keeps complaining about pain at its left hind leg… and unusual moisture forming off on its muzzle. He said he might be having some kidney problems and terminal stage arthritis. I ain’t no vet and I don’t know what to do. I need some help here.
A: I ain’t no vet neither… you tool. You should probably spend some time to reflect the fact that there are many more unfortunate dogs in Africa with more serious and chronic problems than your stupid pet dog. Your dog is probably too lucky to have an overdose of grease laden synthetic dog food (while the African canines are starving every awakening minute) and caught those fashionable disease. You should just move out of the house and find another dog… or you can just stop whining and get used to it.

You’re most welcome.

michaelooi  | satirical shit  | 12 Comments