Archive for May, 2006

May 17, 2006

some people deserve to die

I almost met an accident 2 days ago. I wanted to make a turn from a straight road, flipped the turn-signal about a good 50 meters away and when I was about to turn… SURPRISE! A motor-fucking-cyle appeared out of nowhere from my right side (the side I was about to turn). I reflexed by jamming my brake hard and managed to avert the collision.

No apology offered, the motorcyclist then meandered around the front of my car and casually scooted away. As if he had gone through such situation a thousand times. I didn’t even get to wind down my window to shout at him “Puki mak hang!”

If it wasn’t for my quick reflex, that motherfucker would have ended under my car, and probably wouldn’t have to worry about what to wear for his next Hari Raya. Goddamn, now that I mentioned it, I should have ran that fucker over. It will be so much easier for me to get down from my car to compliment his mother. Moreover, if he’s fucking dead, I can do cooler stuffs like whipping my dick out and piss at his corpse. (I’m not gonna bother a couple hundred bucks to fix my car in exchange for that son of a bitch’s life…)

Things I really don’t understand about these people, what the fuck do they think when they see a turn-signal on a car (or on any vehicle) in front of them? Just another pretty blinking light to admire? Fucking hell.

I wonder what is there for the government to invest hope that we’ll become a developed society someday. Just look around us, there are actually still many dorks out there who don’t even know what’s a turn-signal for. (ask yourself, how many fucking times have you seen idiots turning without their signal, or disregard others’ signals)

michaelooi  | traffic shit  | 15 Comments
May 16, 2006

banned

Just found out from some concerned readers that my blog has been banned at my own workplace – Company X.

Bloody hell, so much for telling everyone about myself being an awesome leader. Only chicken asses use dirty tactics to undermine their opponents. *Ptuiiiiiii !!!!!*

michaelooi  | site stuff  | 24 Comments

can’t wait

Since the baby has already developed her senses, I wonder if she can hear us from inside Emily’s womb. I’ve heard Emily rip very loud farts inside the toilet – if the baby can hear us, then can you imagine how is it like to be inside the womb during the blast.

Just imagine.

Being so close to mommy’s farting ass. The poor baby’s gonna hear some muffled low frequency noise (having dampened by the volume of amnion fluid). Probably experience some violent vibrations resonated from mommy’s fluttering ass cheek. Something like

BRRRRRRRRRRRPPPPPP. [violent shakings]

Man, if I were to be her? I’m gonna be so fucking curious to learn about the world out there…

Luckily, she won’t be able to whiff the noxious fart gases from inside that womb. Else, she’s gonna probably go apeshit and bite Emily’s pancreas out of frustration. Oh wait, the baby hasn’t got any teeth yet, never mind…

Can’t wait for her to come out to greet the world … and tell Daddy all about the experience.

michaelooi  | 3-of-us  | 5 Comments
May 15, 2006

your dad’s underwear for world peace

I’ve been getting a lot of sympathetic well wishes lately, that once my baby’s born into this world, I’m gonna be like a fireman. There will be alarms … very loud alarms… wailing spontaneously / indiscriminately round the clock, and I’ll be required to stop whatever the hell that I am doing (including sleeping) and scoot towards ground zero without a slight delay. Weight loss will be expected and possibly, even stripped of my youth. I’m gonna probably look many years older in that first few weeks’ stint of pure mayhem.

Fearing the impending ordeal, I consulted mom if she could part any knowledge that may be of salvation to her miserable son (that’s me).

“Mom, I remember hearing from you that Beancurd’s a bitch when she’s a baby. How bad was she?” [Beancurd = my evil sister]

“Yeah, the first few months. She would cry over anything. A drop of a coin, walking footsteps, cackling of a lizard, you name it”

“So how did you handle the problem?”

The moment of truth…

[guilty look] “I mixed a couple drops of brandy into her milk…” – Beancurd must have broken the mother of all unofficial records for the youngest bitch to ever imbibe and fucking wasted with the consent of her own mother

That was 36 years ago. I didn’t blame my mom for the callous act, for she was just a teenager when she had my sister. I can understand that it’s not easy for a compulsive teenager to deal with a constant wailing machine day and night. Callow and desperate for rest, my mom did the unthinkable, which she felt kinda bad about later on in her life.

“It’s alright mom, she fucking deserved it” (familiar phrase eh? my bad … but, fuck her)

But that’s not the kind of remedy I was looking for. I needed something safer. More practical. Maybe like a special diet for the baby (noooo… not alcohol…). Or some aromatic herbs that could keep the little rebel content (or something like that). Something exclusively from experience, not from Google… I don’t know

And then, Emily heard this astounding advice from her colleague – Stuff the daddy’s worn-out underwear under the baby’s pillow and all will be well.

I went like – WHAT THE FUCK!? That has got to be the most bizarre crap I’ve ever heard in my life! Like, what’s the rationale behind the act? The aroma from dad’s crotch are going to make the baby think twice before cracking a noise? If that works, could that literally means… we can stuff our wife’s grandad’s underwear up our mother-in-law’s pillow to make the planet a better place? Oh goddamn!

If an underwear could really make a person stop wailing and behave, I reckon the only way possible is to stuff it up on that person’s mouth – and even that, the underwear has got to be extremely polluted with aging grime and filth from dad’s greasy balls to be able to achieve that effect. (kids, don’t try this at home)

That’s the thing I really don’t understand about some people out there. Isn’t it already the 21st century here? Why do these dopeheads still believe in such animistic taboo shits? What the hell is wrong with them? These must be the same type of people who believe that having sex with a bomoh could cure their ailing arthritis or pass their driving license. Fucking hell.

If these mystic shits really work, I would have opted to just pray for the baby to be good instead. That’s at least more plausible than that underwear trick. Like hey, how would you feel if you happen to learn that your dad has been keeping his underwear under your pillow to keep you disciplined all your adult life?

It won’t be very pleasant at all, I assure you.

For now, I think I’ll just have to bite my lips and be a fireman instead. Wish me luck, people (or if you’re a superstitious type, you can sleep with bomohs for my well being. You’ll still get my gratitude…)

michaelooi  | 3-of-us  | 15 Comments
May 12, 2006

if i were to ‘char fit’

I always believe that I have good qualities to be a great leader. It’s just, I have not been given enough fair chance to get promoted high enough to manifest my capabilities. In the past, I’ve led countless of awesome projects (alright, maybe only a couple of them) and has shown an impressive level of leadership traits (amongst them – profound observation skills, adept in handling crisis, etc) – but somehow, most of my achievements were turned a blind eye upon.

I don’t know, maybe the management have a different idea on what it takes to be a good leader, you know what I’m saying? Maybe a prerequisite of having a minimum 50% level of speech impediment or an IQ not more than one’s own shits. Since I am wayyyyy too magnificent and intelligent to fit that profile, no surprise then, I was cast into oblivion and was never given the priority to grow in my career. Perhaps that explains why I am seeing so many imbeciles around. (The latest I’ve encountered, was an engineer who couldn’t speak elementary English, and has absolutely no idea about computers)

But then, if the world’s fair, there wouldn’t have been so many midgets in this world. There’s nothing that I can do about it, but to hope that someday, I’ll get my shot to be in charge, and by then, they’ll get to learn about the REAL DEAL of what it takes to be a good boss… like somebody as awesome as me. Here’s part of what I have in plan in case that ever happens:

For a good start, I’m gonna sack that roti canai cook who makes mousepad-stiff roti canais everyday in the cafeteria. He’s delinquent, incompetent, fat and reeks like a wet dog. If I don’t remove him from my organization, I’m very sure he’s going to be a bad influence to my employees – not passionate about their job (and would spoil the reputation of the management under my care). This cook, he will be replaced by another chef which I’m going to hire from India, and this Indian cook, is gonna make a lot of awesome Indian banana leaf cuisine for everyone.

Secondly, in order to win the loyalty of my employees, I’m going to make them love me. How? A subsidized carwash center smack dab in the middle of the carpark. Right next to the carwash, our very own automobile service center (not subsidized, but with attractive employee discounts) – with all the capability and competency to repair and service ANY automobile out there in the market – except Proton Savvy. Well, that’s because the boss (that’s me), do not favor that ugly car. (employee who drives a Savvy will be denied priority for promotions and will receive less bonus). With the facilities in place, employees can thus send their cars to our very own workshop without having to leave the workplace and conveniently collect them back after work.

The profit generated from the car service center, in the meanwhile, will be used to fund a project to erect a few bowling alleys at the vacant site behind the building. Probably might have to secure a loan first, and use the profit for monthly repayment. If everything’s well, I might even buy a few golf carts for the employees to commute between the main building to the bowling alleys (I acknowledge that walking can be inconvenient for some of you).

And then, I’ll also implement a real time web based rating system for all managers under my management. In this system, each and every people manager will be given a work blog – where they are required to annotate what they’ve done for the day and the reasons behind all their decisions – so that I’ll be able to monitor their working life (this is to counter the widespread shirking that has been plaguing the company for years) and ensure that my money is not wasted on paying sloths (besides, that also would indirectly ensure that these leaders possess an acceptable level of English). The blog also will have a commenting system, and feedback will be opened to his/her peers… and all feedback will be scrutinized to review the respective manager during appraisal.

That’s more or less for everyone’s benefits. Of course there will be more that can be expected from me – like legalizing the use of profanities, casual dress codes, etc. It’s simply, impossible for me to list all of them out here. The list will be too long for this blog (overload) and my contenders will probably plagiarize my style…

So, until that happens, let’s not worry about that.

michaelooi  | work shit  | 11 Comments