Archive for May, 2006

May 25, 2006

truthbearer

I’ve been thinking about this, people, wouldn’t it be great if there were to be such thing as ‘active confession booth’? You know… just like the one they have in churches? Well, that’s a passive practice, since we all know that there aren’t many assholes willing to confess their wrongdoings. That’s why the social decadence. It’s not good enough.

That prompted me to think of this idea, you know, instead of waiting for people to repent and confess themselves, why don’t we make it the other way round? We get the ‘booth’ to go out and around to tell them what they have done wrong, what is wrong. It’s like, an active role or something. You know what I mean? Eg. that ‘booth’ can walk up to just anyone and remarks:

– “bitch, loose the hat. It looks ridiculous on you”
– “You fucking reek like a roach. You need a thorough bath and shitloads of deodorant”
– “Hey grandma, dressing gothly like an 18 year old will not make you any younger.”
– “I totally hate the way that panty misshapes your ass. Go wear a thong for fuck’s sake”

It may or may not involve cussing, it’s up to anyone to imagine. But you get the idea.

Maybe it might not be very practical to get someone to walk around in a real ‘booth’. Whoever’s in there will get into a lot of trouble moving around and preaching the truth safely, especially if confronted by rash individuals who might set the booth on fire. Having put that in mind, maybe we can substitute the booth with a bulletproof/fireproof Templar knight armor or something.

With that in place, the truthbearer can easily move around anonymously without qualms and in full protection from external harm. And we’re gonna get fuckloads of these truthbearers to patrol around offices, streets and various public places, to spread unbiased honest views about everything, cleansing filth and restoring the faith in humanity.

It’ll be so friggin’ awesome, isn’t it? Now, any volunteers?

michaelooi  | thoughts  | 5 Comments
May 24, 2006

don’t be silly

There have been quite a significant number of zits popping up on Emily’s face ever since she got pregnant. As the guilty party who knocked her up, I volunteered to squeeze those zits for her (after all, I enjoy squeezing zits). And when I finished squirting a nasty one yesterday, Emily asked me this

“Dear, will you ever disdain me for all these?”

She was picking her nose while she was asking me that. I paused for a fragment of that second there from gazing at her colossal swollen nose – the wavy interlude of young Emily I met a decade ago came wafting in. The fine lass whom I knew from the instance that I saw her… to be the love of my life, and the painful 6 month abstinence I had to endure before she allowed me to even hold her hands. How can I ever forget the love that I had painstakingly sowed for? and the vow that I made inside the registration office in front of that cauliflower-haired biddy – that I’m gonna take care of my wife for the rest of my life? what’s a few squeezes of zits to me? (those zits are sure fun to pop)

If there indeed were to be anything at all to cause me any inconvenience, I know I can always rip a few farts to even back the odds. This is what commitment’s all about.

“Of course not dear. Don’t be silly” and I gave her that reassuring smile that everything’s gonna be alright (like I’ve just killed a rampaging bear).

Emily then smiled back and smeared her tainted finger on my T-shirt.

michaelooi  | 2-of-us  | 15 Comments
May 23, 2006

work memo

I received this work memo in my mailbox today:

Prohibited equipment on Company X premises (unless approved, installed, and/or issued by Company X Facilities) includes, but is not limited to:

Lamps/decorative lights (incl. lava lamps, Christmas lights, etc.)
Aquariums
Television sets
Space heaters
Refrigerators
Electric skillets
Microwave ovens
Toasters and toaster ovens
Popcorn machines
Hot plates or cup warmers
Lit candles or open flame of any kind
Water coolers (electric or non-electric)
Dartboards
Full-sized indoor basketball goals
Bar-B-Q grills (propane or charcoal)
Propane fryers
Any other equipment that Facilities and Environmental, Health & Safety deem a risk to employees or Company X property

Somebody must have ACTUALLY brought in those stuffs for the management to work out this prohibition list! Bar-B-Q grills, propane fryers, can you fucking believe that?? Company X employees must be kooky enough to imagine themselves picnic-ing at a park! That sure tells you a lot about my workplace, eh? Goddamn!

I’m surprised that nobody brought their Rottweilers and frisbees to the office yet.

michaelooi  | work shit  | 11 Comments
May 22, 2006

animal lover III

I ate one of these 2 weeks ago…

Alright, in case you’re wondering, those are actually silkworm larvaes. Deep fried. Yes, I ate ONE of those. Just one. (I know, I know, shut up already…)

I was accompanying one of my marrying buddies to the Thai border to get some praying material for his wedding, and decided to party at a nearby pub. Had lots of drinks, and came waddling out feeling hungry. Then one of my buddy’s accompanying friend bought a pack of something, and I asked him what are those. He then grabbed something out of the packet, and beckoned me to open my mouth. I took a look around, and saw the stall which he bought the packet from – it was full of bugs and larvaes that resembled a tragic scene from Fear Factor.

I went “Oh shit”, and that guy kept hounding me to open my mouth and stop acting like a bitch. Since I was feeling a bit woozy from the intoxication anyway, I was like, alright… what the fuck and gave it a try. And there the little guy went, popped into my mouth by that friend, and I gathered whatever senses that’s left in me to savor the taste of that larvae that I chewed that night:

Its outer skin tasted a bit salty (well, that’s because it was sprayed with soy sauce), and the innards tasted a bit bitter, with some hint of that aromatic taste of shrimp roe. Not bad at all. But, that thing also came with a stench that I don’t really like. It is that same acrid smell you get from those beetle larvaes sold at some pet shop (which are used as bird feeds). And that was the aftertaste left in my mouth for the following 30 minutes or so … and each time I belch, it reminded me of those repugnant beetle larvaes. Ugh. I guess that’s what it must be like being a bird. Fuck.

The smell was so fucking strong, that I had to blanket it up by eating a few more deep fried grasshoppers! Goddamn!

*that marks another milestone in my quest for food, and this round, I broke my vow of not to fucking hoover anything that resembled worms, larvaes, caterpillars or any creepy crawlies that I fucking loathe. Thanks to the alcohol intoxication, I have now joined the ranks of those freaks that eat disgusting slugs for thrill. I guess I won’t starve myself to death when I’m lost at some jungle somewhere, for I have bugs to eat and tribals to screw (was joking about the latter part).

list of non-domestic animals that I’ve hoovered before (to date):
dog, flying fox, squirrel, python, wild cat, fruit bat, turtle, lamb, goat, iguana, ostrich, pigeon, wild boar, pangolin, canary, frog, clear water eel, arowana, fox, civet cat, crawfish, rabbit, black panther, scorpion, grasshopper, silkworm larvae

michaelooi  | food  | 11 Comments
May 18, 2006

who knows?

I called Jude on her cellphone earlier yesterday over some factory matters, but my call went unanswered. Much later in the afternoon, she popped her head over my cube to inquire about that call.

Jude : “Michael, you called me on my cellphone?”

Me : “Yes I did. But it went unanswered. I already settled the matter myself.”

Jude : “Oh sorry, I left my phone in my drawer, didn’t bring it into the production floor”

Me : “You should have brought along your cellphone wherever you go. That’s what cellphones are for.”

Jude : “I forgot… ok?”

Me: “Now what if there are ACTUALLY guys calling you up on your cellphone to date you?”

Jude : “There won’t be any…”

Me : “Who knows? There are a lot of blind men in this world…”

A moment of silence…

Jude : “Can’t you just spare me a little bit of dignity???? Just a littttle bitttt????????”

Honestly, that was unintentional…

michaelooi  | dialogs  | 19 Comments