May 15, 2006

your dad’s underwear for world peace

I’ve been getting a lot of sympathetic well wishes lately, that once my baby’s born into this world, I’m gonna be like a fireman. There will be alarms … very loud alarms… wailing spontaneously / indiscriminately round the clock, and I’ll be required to stop whatever the hell that I am doing (including sleeping) and scoot towards ground zero without a slight delay. Weight loss will be expected and possibly, even stripped of my youth. I’m gonna probably look many years older in that first few weeks’ stint of pure mayhem.

Fearing the impending ordeal, I consulted mom if she could part any knowledge that may be of salvation to her miserable son (that’s me).

“Mom, I remember hearing from you that Beancurd’s a bitch when she’s a baby. How bad was she?” [Beancurd = my evil sister]

“Yeah, the first few months. She would cry over anything. A drop of a coin, walking footsteps, cackling of a lizard, you name it”

“So how did you handle the problem?”

The moment of truth…

[guilty look] “I mixed a couple drops of brandy into her milk…” – Beancurd must have broken the mother of all unofficial records for the youngest bitch to ever imbibe and fucking wasted with the consent of her own mother

That was 36 years ago. I didn’t blame my mom for the callous act, for she was just a teenager when she had my sister. I can understand that it’s not easy for a compulsive teenager to deal with a constant wailing machine day and night. Callow and desperate for rest, my mom did the unthinkable, which she felt kinda bad about later on in her life.

“It’s alright mom, she fucking deserved it” (familiar phrase eh? my bad … but, fuck her)

But that’s not the kind of remedy I was looking for. I needed something safer. More practical. Maybe like a special diet for the baby (noooo… not alcohol…). Or some aromatic herbs that could keep the little rebel content (or something like that). Something exclusively from experience, not from Google… I don’t know

And then, Emily heard this astounding advice from her colleague – Stuff the daddy’s worn-out underwear under the baby’s pillow and all will be well.

I went like – WHAT THE FUCK!? That has got to be the most bizarre crap I’ve ever heard in my life! Like, what’s the rationale behind the act? The aroma from dad’s crotch are going to make the baby think twice before cracking a noise? If that works, could that literally means… we can stuff our wife’s grandad’s underwear up our mother-in-law’s pillow to make the planet a better place? Oh goddamn!

If an underwear could really make a person stop wailing and behave, I reckon the only way possible is to stuff it up on that person’s mouth – and even that, the underwear has got to be extremely polluted with aging grime and filth from dad’s greasy balls to be able to achieve that effect. (kids, don’t try this at home)

That’s the thing I really don’t understand about some people out there. Isn’t it already the 21st century here? Why do these dopeheads still believe in such animistic taboo shits? What the hell is wrong with them? These must be the same type of people who believe that having sex with a bomoh could cure their ailing arthritis or pass their driving license. Fucking hell.

If these mystic shits really work, I would have opted to just pray for the baby to be good instead. That’s at least more plausible than that underwear trick. Like hey, how would you feel if you happen to learn that your dad has been keeping his underwear under your pillow to keep you disciplined all your adult life?

It won’t be very pleasant at all, I assure you.

For now, I think I’ll just have to bite my lips and be a fireman instead. Wish me luck, people (or if you’re a superstitious type, you can sleep with bomohs for my well being. You’ll still get my gratitude…)

michaelooi  | 3-of-us  | 

15 Comments to “your dad’s underwear for world peace”

  1. genedavinci says:

    Hahahahahahhahahahahaaa!!!!! That’s really one good piece of crap! Love it! Damn funny man!

  2. morticya^33 says:

    wah hey, damn funny!

    but worth a shot. do blog about it and tell me if it works. :)

  3. TITOKI says:

    I was told that dad’s smelly armpit works too!!! Just in case if she is wailing and the socks are not handy, *wink wink*, then you SHOULD KNOW what to do! ;p

  4. vic says:

    who is more evil? you or your sis? :P

  5. Hawk says:

    I think alcohol is a good idea… train them young!

  6. inevitable says:

    Well, just try not to ‘overplay’ with your kid during the day time. It might translate into ‘nightmare’ for the kid at night. That is what I heard from the aunties in my office.

  7. ikzq says:

    Check out this video, it may help u:

    Put water 1/3 full in your mouth and breath inward. Don’t let the water go into your lungs. Any sound can make a baby stop crying but can you make any sound cheaper, repeatable, better or efficient than that? Nope. — Don’t over do it or the baby will figure out it. Keep the baby guessing.

    Hope it works for ur baby! P/S: put a speaker beside ur baby, then make a conncetion to a button near ur bed, when she cries, juz press the button to activate the speaker to play the recorded weird sound ^^

  8. michaelooi says:

    mortician – What works? I for sure ain’t gonna try it man…

    titoki – If that works, then Banglas would make very good nannies lah… tiuuuu

    vic – My sis is a whole ballgame when it comes to evil. She’s stupid evil. Motherfuckingly goddamn stupid like that.

    hawk – Yeah, and bust their liver younger too. What a great idea…

    inevitable – I’ve heard of that. I wonder what’s the scientific explanation behind that… hmmm

    ikzq – I don’t geddit. o_O

  9. oliviasy says:

    geez, oredi 21st century ler. hv u heard about wedding days, toss the chikin or toss the teddy toy crap? nonsense i tell u…

  10. bongkersz says:

    last time i checked.. there was no man underwear below my pillow.. but lady panties yes! :D

  11. chris says:

    Please….michael…alcohol, chili and stuff like that is definitely a no go. when my cousin brother was very young(2 years old), some idiot friend of the mothers fed him hard liquor just because they thought it was funny. My cousin was in the ICU the next 10 days NEARLY suffering from total liver failure. Till today(33 years later), he is still feeling the ill effects(cannot even drink 2 cans of beer) or his face will turn white and pale..

  12. michaelooi says:

    chris – Thanks for sharing. Of course I wouldn’t consent such an act… Cheers.

  13. jen c says:

    This mobile works like a charm for my 1 months + boy. Got remote control some more. Before 1 months, he didn’t fuss much.

  14. Hijackqueen says:

    It’s time your dad say this to you, “Son, happy father’s day!”

  15. souplad says:

    underwear? ha … the baby would probably cringe so hard that she stops crying.

    what ikzq said works for my lil nephew. Strange technique that distracts the baby.

    hold some water in ya mouth instead of gargling by exhaling… what u need to do is to suck in air … it requires some practice. = ) Don’t choke.

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