May 1, 2006

twisted 2

To defecate. To shit. To poop. To take a dump. To take a crap. They all mean the same thing. That is, to get that brown nasty turd out of your body through that narrow orifice at your ass. But for Emily and I, we give this sacred act a unique name – “to output”.

You see, I’m a healthy person. I “output” every morning when I wake up. Except for yesterday. Yesterday, I suddenly became so lazy and stagnant, that I didn’t feel like taking a crap at all. So, I just decided to crap later on in the afternoon (yeah, I can choose to postpone my crapping schedule, let’s just say… I have total control of my own ass)

But Emily felt that it was not a right thing. It bothered her… not because she’s concerned that the crap might ferment itself multi-folds in my rectal cavity and fuck me up pretty bad, but because she thinks that if I don’t crap, the energy flow of my body would not conform to the Chi at the southeast corner of the house.

morning –
“Dear, aren’t you going to output?”
“No dear, I don’t feel like wanting to do that”

a while later –
“Dear, aren’t you going to output?”
“Ermmm, no dear, I have nothing to output”

a little more while later –
“Dear, have you output-ed today?”
“Nope. I have nothing to output, ok?”

some while later –
“Dear, aren’t you going to output already?”
“ARggghhhhh! Haven’t I told you already?? I don’t want to output! Why are you pestering me to take a dump?? Why?? why?? ”

But she just gave me that nonchalant stare… as if she’s waiting for me to finish whatever I had to say, and would later schedule for the same repetitive badgering. It was a psychological torment.

About 5 minutes after the emotional protest, I finally gave in. I went to take my dump… (had to force the damn thing out)

Knocked up ladies… they can be horrifyingly twisted at times. (I just hope she won’t ask me to hoover a live cockroach next… just to keep her hormone driven mind appeased…)

michaelooi  | 2-of-us  | 

18 Comments to “twisted 2”

  1. chris says:

    No sex for you tonight…..

  2. howsy says:

    She’s right this time. Frequent bowel movement ‘outputs’ is good to prevent colon cancer, which is one of the top killers for men in Malaysia.

  3. bilvo says:

    If u love her, then u just got to listen to what she says. Haha Especially now that she’s pregnant. Hehehe

  4. diao says:

    I ‘output’ only when I feel like ‘output-ing’. In fact, I feel it now already.

    Does Emily read your blog?

  5. NicEviL says:

    I can tell u why she’s so motivated to encourage you to go “output”. She’s tired of washing shit-stained-pants.

  6. mmmgeee says:

    “Nonchalant stare”
    “A nonchalant person is not likely to become warm or heated about anything”

    I got the pic now.

    WAH your wife very KENG ahh
    respect… respect

  7. doc says:

    Wah! Terror! Shit also they want to bother. Looks like she has you by the gonads.

  8. Journey says:


    The lady boss is clearly in power!! Suck it up. :)

    I wish that I could really take crap every morning. Mine is so irregular that sometime 2 days once. Which is not good at all. So brader, if you can take it, then go blow the toilet bowl to smithereens.

    On the topic of colon cancer, my father in law recently when thru an ops to remove cancer. The found 4 big pieces of tumor growth. 3 at the size of 2 inch diameter. The last one was abt the size of a big apple 3 inch in diameter. Yucks. So watch your bowls habits….

    Smell you later.

  9. Jess says:

    woohoo! Aunty Emily rulez! I didnt realize that having to take a dump will need to have wife’s consent.

    It’s like a mom telling a child, “Michael, go to your potty now.”


  10. nylus says:

    journey: normal bowel movements vary from 3 times a day to 3 times a week. irregular as yours may be, at least it’s not unhealthy. only if after 3 days nothing happens, then you’re in deep shit (pun deliberately intended).

    michael: journey’s right, shouldn’t be lazy about going to the toilet or else you might get constipation. it’s not fun.

  11. sniperberry says:

    Have you output already? Nyarharhar… so fun to be powerful female. Beat the 62% percent evilness, FLAT!

  12. michaelooi says:

    Yeah, sigh, … do you believe in life after love? I’m not sure myself… but life after 30 is sure hard. wait a minute… I’m only 29! o_O

  13. gorgeous says:

    Are you sure you’re only 29? o_0 haha

  14. michaelooi says:

    Oh maybe I’m just 17… or 21… I’m not sure about my own age… oooh

    2006 minus 1977 … you’ll get my age.

  15. 100 says:

    that is 29, UNCLE!!!

  16. evil_gal says:

    whoa… uncle mike so young! my cousin 28 also havent get married yet… *respect uncle mike*

  17. gorgeous says:

    You are one young uncle. Why do you address yourself as uncle?

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