Archive for April, 2006

April 6, 2006

parenting

When I learned that I’m gonna be a father soon, the first thing that came into my mind was the picture of an inquisitive kid who asks “why this why that” all the time – a progeny of a profoundly quick-witted and exceptionally bright person (that’s me). Just like me when I was a kid.

I was a curious kid alright. Impeded with the fact that my mom wasn’t the knowledgeable kind and it was the prehistoric era prior the invention of internet, I mostly gratified my curiosity through my own acute observations. But for some of them, I had to actually ask my mom about it (that’s because the breadwinner’s always out there somewhere winning breads, bah!). I remember one of them being the ultimate question about conceiving babies:

“Mom, how does a man and a woman conceive a baby?”. I was only 6 or so… I think.

“Son, it happens when a man and a woman sleeps together.”

“How is that possible?”

“You see, at night… when all’s quiet and still, there will be these little worms crawling out from a man’s kukuciao, and eventually they’ll make their way into a woman’s stomach through the mouth. From there, one of the worms will settle down and turn into a baby.”

“[gasp!] EWWWWWWHHHHH!!!!! So babies were originated from worms???”

Conceiving babies is nothing of that sort, so I later found, although what she explained could be my first nebulous knowledge about girls-who-swallow… But that was the understanding I carried with me through a portion of my prepubescent life, until I started elementary schooling.

I do not know why my mom refused to impart the truth to me at that time. Probably feared that I might not be able to handle it (like, I might go around making babies out of every decent parents’ daughter?). But she could have shunned me off by yelling “shut up”… that would be a better alternative than infusing me with a bogus fact.

And that was probably why I decided to model my parenting style against mom’s. I’m gonna be all honest about everything and not to avoid my kid’s inquiries (I’m gonna try, yeah). We’re in the 21st century now, and it’s not very hard to learn about things that you’re not suppose to know… so why not veer the kid into the correct direction instead? If you can’t prevent it, then control it.

The only problem with this approach is probably if I’m good enough for this. Will I be acquainted enough to quench a 21st century kid’s thirst for knowledge? At the moment, maybe yes. But I’m not so sure in a few years’ time. Who knows what the chlorine in our water and old age would do to my brain then? I’d be so intoxicated with synthetic chemicals (from the shaving cream, detergents, food, pollutions, etc) that I probably won’t even have the aptitude to sound coherent at all.

Perhaps I should just blog everything out, so that each time my kid asks me a question and I’m not in the shape to answer him/her, I’d just conveniently point him/her to MichaelOoi.net and read everything by him/herself. (and hey, if YOUR kid wants to know what Uncle Michael’s kid learn at home, you can hover over to his family-blog too).

I guess I’ll just do that. Yes I’m gonna do that.
(now if you’re worried about your kid being exposed to expletives and profanities in this blog, rest assured, it’s not going to be an issue. Like, if your kid’s able to reach my blog through the internet with ease, what makes you think he/she won’t stumble into something even more sinister than my 62% site? Like an online bestiality movement or something? Just an idea, that you should probably be worried about something more significant…)

michaelooi  | 3-of-us  | 13 Comments
April 5, 2006

I seek you

Got a message from a stranger in ICQ

selina (09:31 PM) : hi
michael (09:31 PM) : hi
selina (09:32 PM) : can i chat with u
michael (09:33 PM) : i thought you’re already doing that now…
selina (09:34 PM) : do wat
michael (09:34 PM) : do what you’re asking…
selina (09:35 PM) : no lah

ACCKKKKKK!!!!! DOLT ALERT!!! DOLT ALERT!!!! (I have a knack of being able to identify a dolt with just a few sentences’ depth of conversation..)

michael (09:38 PM : excuse me, can you like… message me again… say, in 2015? I’m kinda busy right now…
selina (09:38 PM) : hee
michael (09:40 PM) : ermmm, if you’re retarded, you should probably just stay away from computers…
michael (09:40 PM) : sorry, probably you should just stay away from anything that has to do with electricity

Never got her response after that. Probably committed suicide (hey! it’s a good thing!)

michaelooi  | e-chats  | 14 Comments
April 4, 2006

brokeback fever

I received an SMS from my colleague today:

fyi: I am admitted to GMC hospital (fever) in Room ###, XXXXXX 019-#######

I replied his message

so you want me to buy you flowers or something?

Colleague

haha sent to wrong person! pls ignore

Me

ok. I thought you’ve caught the ‘Brokeback Mountain’ fever… and needed some brotherly love. You freaked me for a moment there..

Like who wouldn’t. Imagine your guy friend suddenly were to SMS you that he’s warded due to some anal sphincter complications and start beckoning for attention like a squashy fag asking for a gift of barbie doll. (I later learned that he has been sending the same message to some of my guy colleagues as well… creepy)

Speaking of barbie dolls, I saw the bizarrest of all bizarre shits today. I was stopping at this traffic lights returning from lunch with the guys, and saw this late middle-aged yuppie man waiting in his car beside mine. At the first glance, everything seemed normal about the man, except for his uncannily gray shoulder length hair that reminded me of that old slug Kwai Chang Caine in “Kungfu the Legend Continues”.

But as I focused deeper into his beat-up Proton, I saw something disturbing perched on top of his car dashboard – a barbie doll.

“OMFG guys! Look!! That old man has a barbie doll sitting on his car dash!! Ewwwwwhhhh!!!”

Now why would an old man adorn his car dash with a barbie doll? That’s so unconventional. Why not something else? Something like a He-Man figure or a toyol? (alright, that may be a bad example, but at least… it’s not HALF AS BAD as a fucking barbie doll…)

As if it’s not distasteful enough, the old geezer stretched out one of his hands to caress the doll… right on its thighs. (Or he might be adjusting that AmbiPure car fragrance valve?… but I doubted that – how often do you adjust your car fragrance’s valve anyway? And what’s with the pervert smirk on his face while he’s doing that?)

Obviously disturbed, I remarked to the guys
“Old pervert who molests children… that’s what he is…”

I don’t know why I stereotyped him as such. But to hell if I’m right about that, the key thing is… if you see some guy frolicking with a barbie doll at any stage of his life, that would only denote that he is confused about his own gender, is fucked up and is usually up to no good.

Realizing the stares, the old man glanced back petulantly and we sped off at the green… and never looked back at that sadistic monster.

michaelooi  | what I saw  | 11 Comments
April 3, 2006

Cinema outing etiquette 101

Make up your mind when you queue
Be it at the ticketing counter or the overpriced-junk-food-corner… you just don’t stand in front of the counter spending 10 minutes evaluating which movie should you watch or which popcorn combo should you buy. You fucking do that BEFORE you queue, or WHEN you’re in the queue. Sure enough, yakking non-stop like a puckering chicken ass may be a common thing amongst you and your autistic kind, but for CHRIST’S SAKE YOU CAN ALWAYS DO THAT LATERRR!!!

It just pisses everyone off when you have to toll on other’s time just because you don’t have a brain to fucking decide.

Be fucking hygienic
Speaking of queues, how many times have you people encountered some guy (insert girl if you want) standing in front of you that smells like a wet table wiping-cloth from a ghetto food court? Many times for me. I do not know what’s wrong with these people, whether they have a defective olfactory function or they’re simply plain ass dirty… I’ve had many a times irked, nauseated, grossed, motherfucked by such odoriferous scumbags.

MORONS! Wear something clean next time!

Don’t bring kids to cinema
You must be hell of a retard to think that a kid would sit around quietly on an uncomfortable seat for the next hour and a half, doing nothing but to lock his eyes on the projected screen of animated insignificance… It is an undeniable fact that they’re noisy and they do incongruent stuffs inside cinemas (like singing that stupid Barney tune when the main plot unfolds in a movie…)

Just leave them at home. Or anywhere, nobody cares. DVD players exist for very good reasons, and part of it is to keep annoying misfits (like rebellious kids) out of the cinemas and confine the mayhem at home. (Man they should have imposed a minimum age limit of 15 at the cinemas.)

Be punctual
Plan your time well. Nobody wants to see your lardass silhouette fumbling across their field of view looking for seats in the dark. It’s fucking annoying.

Get your ass to the cinema at least 15 minutes before the movie starts. You don’t expect a 30 minutes journey from your house to take a perfect 30 fucking minutes. If you’d use your brain, you should be able to figure out the traffic jam factor or the lack of stupid parking lot factor… If you lack of that ability, you should just probably fucking die.

Nobody needs no commentary
What makes you think that we need to fucking hear your opinions about what’s going on in the movie? Talking/commenting out loudly inside the cinema (when the movie’s showing) is just as inappropriate as having a fellatio in front of a kindergarten.

We pay to watch the movie, not to fucking give a rat’s cheebye about what you have to say!

Behave yourself
What’s with the hootings and shits?? Are you people fucking stupid or what? I’ve seen many retarded teenagers (those with dyed mohawk or Jay Chou hairstyle), who think it’s uber cool to hoot and howl in the cinema, just because they want to impress their fellow hooligan friends.

In case you don’t know already, jerks, as much as you want to impress your spastic cohorts, you pretty much create an opposite case to the rest of the people in the cinema. That’s like, impressing a dozen of your own kind, peeve the shit out of the rest of the world… You’re simply telling everybody how fucked up you are. (your stinking attitude and that revolting hairstyle of yours).

michaelooi  | enlightenments  | 20 Comments
April 1, 2006

good looking eggs

Say, you suddenly have this wild idea of making your girlfriend/wife some breakfast, you know… to impress the shit out of her (because it’s her birthday or something like that).

You want it to be something good, not like a half assed effort of microwaving a cup noodle. Something more presentable. Like frying eggs. Yes. A presentable good looking eggs breakfast.

1) the eggs must not be over-fried… as such that the white part of the egg must not become a golden fritter.
2) the yolk must still in liquid form, not too raw nor too overdone.

I’m sure not many of you dweebs out there know how to fry a fucking egg… what more a good looking one (never mind about the taste, they all taste the fucking same anyway…). That’s why, you have me writing this entry here to help you out. Read on if you feel inferior already…

Equipments:
– A wok (or a frying pan)
– A gas stove (if you don’t know what’s a gas stove, go find the nearest toilet bowl, shove your head into it and flush)
– A wok chan (frying spoon)
– A virile male with affinity towards women and TV remote control

Ingredients:
– Eggs from a very good looking chicken
– Some cooking oil

Procedure:
Put wok (or frying pan) on gas stove.

Pour some cooking oil into the wok. Spread oil on wok. (if you have one of those non-stick wok/pan, skip the oil step. Just heat up your wok/pan)

Heat up wok/pan with a moderate level of fire. (if you don’t know how to switch the gas stove to moderate level, kindly ingest a box of thumb tacks).

Wait until oil becomes hot. (you can verify if it’s hot by touching the oil with your hand… or alternatively, you can just assume it’s hot when you see some faint smoke coming out of it).

Once oil’s hot, scoop up the excess hot oil from wok/pan using the wok chan.

Now turn off the stove fire and wait for wok/pan to cool down. (5 minutes would be ideal). This is to ensure that the wok’s not too hot to overfry an egg…

Crack open an egg and dump it’s content into the wok/pan. It should look something like the picture below. (if it doesn’t, swallow the wok)

Wait for 10 – 20 seconds, and flip over the egg to ensure even frying temperature on both sides.

Serve egg(s). You may add some soy sauce or salt to suit your taste.

The egg(s) should look as awesome as the picture below. (if it doesn’t, repeatedly stab yourself on the head with a screwdriver)

Notice the liquid yolk under the thin layer of cooked protein? Now THAT… is going to impress the shit out of your wife/girlfriend.

Here’s how it’ll look like when you puncture the yolk out with a fork…

Now leave the wok for her to wash… she should be thrilled enough to do it willingly without any complain…

MichaelOoi.net – makes your life better everyday…

michaelooi  | food  | 18 Comments