Archive for April, 2006

April 13, 2006

meet zed


Denizens of Earth, meet a fragment of my body – my nostril hair. His name is Zed and his life motto is “just do it”.

Now most of you would ask, do what? Well, for him, he did things that none of you people are willing to do. He helps me filter out harmful particles inside my nose, preventing them from entering my lungs and screws everything up.

Being as productive as they inherently made to be, they also always take the trouble to collect them nasty dust particles together, and conveniently sticking wads of them at the wall inside my nostrils for me to collect and dispose everyday. (Zed happens to work inside my left nostril).

If it wasn’t for his (and his colleagues’) goodwill, I would have breathed in heaps of foreign materials into my system and I probably wouldn’t be sitting here still breathing today. He and his diligent group of colleagues, are not only my valuable employees, but also are my symbiotic friends. Fate seems to have arranged for us to synergize together as an integration of efficient mass, trudging through the hostile world dispatching fear, like a porcupine and its quills, a bee and its sting, a hyena and its badass teeth, a dick and its cum.

That’s how important he is to me. Or shall I say, was.

Yes, sad as I am like the rest of Zed’s colleagues, today I had to bid him an emotional farewell… for today is the day he retires from his line of duty. It was a sad news for me alright, but I didn’t plead for him to stay, as I respected his decision of retiring. He deserves the long break after all those years of hardwork.

I tried to ask what is he planning to do post his retirement – but he didn’t give a definite answer. He dawdled for a while before looking up to the sky with several beads of tears rolling down from the edge of his keratinous face. That was when I decided not to press further, perhaps the old follicle needed some time to be alone and think of his idle days getting old…

But whatever his plan is, I hope he knows that should he ever feel like coming back to work for me again, I definitely would be more than glad to welcome him back with an open nose.

“Farewell my friend…” I then said to him, and he gave me his only passport photo (as above) as a memento for our friendship and he wafted off into the thin air. He’s going to be missed by fellow colleagues, mucus and boogers alike.

michaelooi  | imaginations  | 13 Comments
April 12, 2006

problem child

I just learned from Emily last night, that my 14 year old niece got very depressed lately due to some social problems at school. Apparently, one of my boy-cousin, who is of the same age as her, has been calling her ‘Chicken rice’ inside the school bus and she’s mad about it. And because she’s so mad about it, every other student got even more excited and now it sort of became her permanent callsign in and out of the school bus.

I was like “Mannnnn, Chicken Rice… what a creative name!”. Strangely enough, my niece’s name is nothing of that sort or of that may suggest anything pertaining chicken or rice. I guess some of you people are right, that when somebody wanted to aggravate you, they’ll be able to somehow pick a name to vex you off. But still, what a creative name.

This ‘social problems at school’ thingy sort of triggered a string of memory burst of my good old carefree days when I played an important part in upholding the equilibrium of good versus evil. Which side I was in, you make your guess. At the age of 12, I was the epitome of all negative influences at school. A problem child. A miscreant. And if there was anything bad that ever happened inside the class, I’d be the first to be blamed. Like, if it’s not Michael the menace, who else could it be? It’ll be so much more convenient to close the case by blaming the only meanie.

Hell yeah, how can I forget those days. I was consistently made the framing target, and that only fueled my diabolical ways even further. Unlike my niece, I wasn’t particularly anal about myself being able to socialize around. That’s because I couldn’t get along even with my own sister, and I sort of inured to the ‘hardships’ of being alone. That’s why, I never really had a good friend (I mean, a REAL good friend) in my primary schooling years, except for PukeMachine. But he’s a bit of a not-very-bright kind of person, hence I’d say he was just plain unlucky to have met me (he could have met a four legged animal anytime, it’ll be his best friend too… no shit)

But then, I’m glad that I got along just fine in life. No I didn’t end up in jail. In fact, I did quite well compared to the majority of those teachers’ pets, and outdone many of them in life. (though I’m a bit of an antisocial and racist sometimes… especially behind the steering wheel). My colorful childhood.

Now back to my niece’s case. Upon hearing about her problems, I began to cackle like a hyena… “HAHAHHH! CHICKEN RICE! I’m so gonna use this name the next time I scold her!”. My irrational reaction triggered a series of disapproval from Emily – that I should be helping her (my niece) instead of rubbing salt into her ailing wound. She’s now completely flipped out, and according to my dimwitted sister, she might send her to see a psychiatrist if she ever starts to mutilate household animals (so I learned that not only my mom that needed the treatment…)

I guess it’s inherent in me to see people get pissed over nothing, but ‘chicken rice’ sure is a good one. Anyway, as a former school ruffian myself, I can understand that it would only intensify the excitement of her adversaries if my niece were to get riled over the remarks/name-callings. The more she gets annoyed, the more orgasmic it would be for them. So, the only way to get out of this, is laugh over it, and eventually, they’ll lose the thrill and move on to another target (or another name). And so the advice was conveyed… may my niece feel smarter already.

Having given off that advice as a trial, I think I’m ready to become somebody’s father. *pssshhh*

*****
The legendary insult I complimented (many years ago) to a fellow school bus fat-girl-student whose legs were full of mosquito bite scars:

Hey damn fatty girl! Your legs are so full of 5 cents and 10 cents coins, that if you were to collect them together, you’re gonna get a few hundred bucks out of it!

I think that remark scarred her deeper than the nastiest mosquito bite she ever experienced. (and god knows how many more souls I had scarred in my juvenile years…)

michaelooi  | flashbacks  | 11 Comments
April 11, 2006

fengshui fever (take 3)

Making use of my free time today (public holiday), I undertook a mission to check around the house – to see how much fengshui has invaded my house (since the last round). It doesn’t look very good…

1 – This was found at the top of my wardrobe. It’s a statuette of some porcine deity with kids all around him. Not sure what it is suppose to symbolize. Probably imbalanced diet and plenty of sex (fertility). *no wonder I feel like an animal on bed!
2 – A metallic gourd by the side of my bed. Gourds are known to bring fortune and longevity. Hmmmm…
3 – Another plastic gourd right behind the metallic one. Now I have my fortune and longevity in 2 version – plastic and metal. Oh yeah!
4 – This is a ‘pei yau’, a mythical creature that is known to have no ass and able to retain all your wealth without leaking it out (since it would have no anus as well). The Chinese seems to have a unique perception on excrement over wealth…

5 – I have no idea what this crustacean critter’s doing right beside my TV. Fengshui is sure weird…
6 – Next to the crab, is a rabbit and a rooster. My best guess is, mom’s collecting a complete menagerie of zodiac animals on the TV cabinet. She’s a zodiac animal freak.
7 – A big ass crystal ball that’s capable of performing some clairvoyance espionage surveillance. Don’t believe me? I can see your black pubic hair now.
8 – Another ‘pei yau’… with the grimacing look permanently etched to its face (that’s how you’re gonna look like when you’re anatomically incapable to shit)

9 – A golden hare/rabbit on top of my Tiffany & Co.’s brass clock. Not sure what it’s supposed to mean, to copulate at lightning speed within the shortest period of time?
10 – This amphibian was found hidden at the bottom of the TV cabinet. Frogs are known to be ‘wealth magnets’ in the fengshui world. Fucking hell, EVERYTHING’s a ‘wealth magnet’ in the fengshui world… as long as you pay for the merchandise.
11 – A flower shaped crystal lodged at the branch of a fake tree in the living room. Not sure if it means anything, but it sure looks odd…
12 – Some taoist amulet right below the flower crystal. This one I know, it’s suppose ward off evil spirits and shits. My mom’s a chicken when it comes to supernatural stuffs (hey, chicken! another animal that brings good fengshui!)

13 – Bound metallic coins on the table lamp stand. It provides proper grounding to the electrical properties of the lamp. (that’s good fengshui)
14 – I don’t know what this thing is. My best guess, it’s some kind of a medieval dildo that was used by fengshui masters to artificially induce orgasm in animals whom they believe will bestow them luck and fortune once they’re appeased like that…
15 – Another hidden frog. This one’s beneath my sofa. He’s in charge of voyeur department.
16 – More fengshui coins. Coins are like the major building blocks of fengshui. Keep the coins for yourself and give all the paper/plastic money to Lilian Too.

17 – A vessel full of treasure to ensure smooth journey in life. It’s alright I guess (though I very much preferred enough funding for a lifetime supply of Royal Purple high performance engine oil…)
18 – A miniature decorative fake lantern at my apartment entrance. Whoever that walks past this lantern is required to grab a can of beer and finish it. And yes, you can save it for a single day settlement.
19 – Even more fengshui coins. I don’t fucking know what were they thinking… this is the 21st century goddamnit! COINS won’t cut the shit. PLATINUM CREDIT CARDS WOULD.
20 – A couple of crystal balls hanging from the hall light – a choking hazard for cicaks.

21 – Another crystal ball. This was found hanging inside the lair of the evil hag that gave birth to the 62% evil guy.
22 – On top of the fridge, where a couple of dragon tortoises hang out. Occasionally, they’d herd some helpless fridge magnet creatures to raze some pastures… and at times when they’re not, they’ll be shagging each other’s ass under the romantic fluorescent lamp of the kitchen.
23 – This is a pure breed of tortoise. Found on top of the washing machine. I don’t know what auspicious significance it brings but, that creature sure look ‘surprised’. Guess he got a tight facelift from the same plastic surgeon who did Kenny Rogers.
24 – Nine crystal balls hanging at the veranda. The crystal dude must be laughing all the way to the bank now, squelching money from intellectually challenged housewives like my mom.

I think my mom needs a psychologist psychiatrist.

michaelooi  | what I saw  | 21 Comments
April 10, 2006

naming the kid

One of the things that I have been anticipating all my life is to name my own kid. You know, to bestow her a nice and pretty name that she will be most glad to carry throughout her own life. Unlike what her father had to go through…

As a teenager, I always fretted at how my Chinese name sounded like. I couldn’t help but wondered who was the raunchy twerp that gave me this name… that made me suffer countless ridicule and given distasteful nicks by my friends and classmates due to its oddity…

“It’s your grandfather. Don’t look at me, it’s not my fault.” – that was what mom said.

Yeah, that was so wise of their lazy ass to let the old man name me. Kaninabeh!

The only thing good about my Chinese name (which I ain’t gonna reveal here…), is that it carries a very good meaning (in Chinese – it means ‘a healthy world’) and I am sure that there will be no duplicate of it on this planet. But that’s not the whole point. Like, you can name someone a meaningful name after a prehistoric sea cucumber… I’m sure it’ll be unique too. The key idea should be, how acceptable it is to the public. How easy it is to be pronounced without pricking a nerve or two. Shits like that.

That’s why I adopted myself the common name “Michael” a little later when I began schooling – apparently, I wasn’t very confident with how people handle my real name.

That’s why, I feel so compelled not to let this happen to my own kid. I’m gonna make sure she is going to be given a tasteful name… scrutinized right to every detail, so as not to conflict with anything at all. It would be really disconcerting to see my own kid fret at her own name later on when she reaches puberty… and adopt a name herself which goes something like p00hb34r^__^…. or perhaps PinkVulva69. (who knows what the future holds?)

Right now, we have gone to quite a definitive stage already. She’s going to be named as ‘Regine Ooi’, that’s for sure. And Emily’s in the midst of selecting the baby’s Chinese name… which will be based on the meanings that they carry. For me, it’s not so important about what a person’s name mean… what is more important to me, is that it’s simple enough, yet not too common (like Ah Seng or Ah Lian). But it was the elders who wanted the kid to have a name with an auspicious meaning… which I have no choice but to play along. (I’m acting as the final gate on whatever name that Emily and her cohorts of anal-retentive traditionalists manage to come up with…)

At the moment, we’re indecisive between “morning warmth” and “dual core microprocessor” (kidding bout the latter one, I’ve actually forgotten the meaning…).
**********

Hilarious names that I had came across :
- there was a school teacher in my secondary year that went by the name “Lim Kam Chooi” (in Hokkien, it phonetically means “drink orange juice”)
- another school teacher, with the first name as “King Kong”
- there was this infamous Malaysian who got an erratic speeding ticket at 773 kph – his name is “New Ching Shit”. (this must be some kind of prank by the then NRD officer…)
- many more (which I’ve forgotten…)

michaelooi  | 3-of-us  | 15 Comments
April 9, 2006

fuck

One of Emily’s friend is pregnant too. But unlike us, Emily’s friend conceived her baby through some fertility consultant – where she was required to pay a considerable amount of money to get pregnant. My mom asked about that friend’s well being while we’re having lunch today

My Mom : “So Emily, your friend conceived her baby through artificial procedure?”

Emily : “Sort of. It’s not really clear whether it was due to the medication or her own effort. Coz she has been doing it everyday during that period…”

My Mom : “Do what?”

My mom was offtrack from the frequency for a while…

Emily : “Err…you know… do it? Do? Like everyday?”

My Mom : “Do what? I don’t get it…”

That was when I chip in to save the day

Me : “Fuck. Fuck… mom. She fucks everyday”

My Mom : “Oooooohhhh ok ok ok”

I then turned to Emily

Me : “See dear? Sometimes you’ve gotta go straight to the point. Just say it… FUCK.”

My Mom : “Come on… not everyone’s vulgar like you”

But hey, look who’s more understandable here…

michaelooi  | 2-of-us  | 15 Comments