I was having my lunch with Emily at Nandos the other day, and in came a group of whipper snappers. 4 boys and a girl. The girl had a kiddy face and a pair of fully developed tits, I presume those bunch must be at the age range between 12 - 14. Ahhhhh, the golden itchy age. Where everything starts to look very different, and our hormones would circulate in high pressure to make us that rebellious hero against our ever so wrong parents.

And I reckoned that’s what must be going on in those kids’ lives. Dressed to impress - branded sneakers, chic watches, funky hairstyle, phone with mp3 players, etc. And where did I see those kids again? Nandos. That’s hell of a posh restaurant for me, at any stage in my life. As an adult, I only dine there like… once in a while… just for the sauce, it’s still damn expensive for my standard. But those kids walked in as if they’ve been there thousands of times. They don’t even need to look at the menu. Sheesh.

Thinking back… when I was at that age, I don’t even get enough money to take a bus there. My mom only gave me 1 ringgit per day as pocket money. A buck that buys no shit even in the late 80’s. I’d hoover my lunch at a shoddy economic rice stall after school, I remember, for a hardly filling plate of rice.

white rice - 30 cents
a scoop of sour vegetable stew - 30 cents
plenty of curry gravy - free
total - 60 cents.

If I’m thirsty, I’d buy a pack of soy bean drink for 20 cents and I’ll still have another 20 cents left. That’s not enough for a bus ride even if I’m in school uniform.
I would hence spend off that 20 cents to buy a few guppy fishes and release it to the nearby stream to gain some good karma.

Kidding.

You’d be a spastic if you believed that. Kids at that age have no conscience. That 20 cents, I’ll spend it inside the local arcade game outlet for a round of ‘Double Dragon‘. Oh yeah.

In the age where there were only 3 channels on TV, personal computers as expensive as your family car’s gearbox, and everything on the console looked like a calculator on steroid, ‘Double Dragon’ became a big thing for the kids. 20 cents for a 10 minutes worth of orgasmic ass kicking entertainment - it’s every kid’s desire - just located around the corner of the street. It’s as addictive as a bar of chocolate (only that it’s much much cheaper than a bar of chocolate).

Who would have thought, fast forward a decade and a half later, kids would each own a personal computer right in their own room, with unlimited source of porns, games and friends online? And as if that’s not enough, they even have a fancy cellphone to go with them (which, is powerful enough to host the ‘Double Dragon’ game!), and enough pocket money to afford a late afternoon snack at some expensive family restaurant with their buddies… Goddamn.

That makes me think a bit, how would I feel if I were to be showered with all those goodies like the contemporary kids in the 21st century? For now, I’m gonna imagine myself as a very happy boy with all these gadgets to keep me entertained. But in reality, I know I’m not going to be as happy as I had imagined. That’s because I know, when one has the riches around him, he’s not going to enjoy the wealth. Any goodness is best enjoyed if its scarce and hard earned…

But right now, I’m worried about my own kid. I dread of having to spend money for her to have
1) a personal computer with unlimited source of porn, games and friends online
2) a fancy cellphone powerful enough to host ‘Double Dragon’
3) enough pocket money to afford a late afternoon snack at Nandos

Perhaps I should just toss her a buck and ask her to figure everything out herself.

*excuse me for the looking-back-the-old-days reflections. I’m right now at the juncture of advancing to an advanced stage of my life… such behaviour is kinda expected… according to experts. So, bear with me until I reach 40, which then, I’m gonna step into middle age crisis and you’ll get to read something different then. And oh, you people may call me uncle if you want, I just don’t give a flying fuck anymore.

One of my colleagues came to me for help this morning. Apparently, he has a set of scribblings that he wanted to transform into a speechlike composition. It was for his Toastmaster presentation, he said. (I was sought because he thinks that I contain more shits than him in composing stories in English). And hence I did him the favour - I transformed his ideas into a speechlike composition. His topic is about defining LOVE. A naive attempt, but I thought it was kinda interesting the way he described it… and I felt compelled to share it out here. Enjoy reading.

What is LOVE, some people say love is a feeling, of affection or solicitude.

There are many types of LOVE that we know of - family love, friendship love and the most popular of all, relationship love.

Love doesn’t discriminate. Whether you’re old or young, rich and successful, or not, your life will be out of focus and boring without it.

But no matter what type of love that we’re talking about, one thing for sure, is that love… is something that’s very essential in our life. It’s the same universal feeling that everyone seeks, whether to love or to be loved.

But not many people are lucky in love though, I’m the living example of such people…

Most of the time, people would selfishly blame their difficult relationships at their loved ones instead of themselves, for not being understanding, not caring, or shower them with enough love….

These are the cynical type of people, that expected everyone else except himself to give out commitment like free coupons. They only make “withdrawals” out of their relationship accounts, but unwilling to “deposit” anything into it. Sooner or later, that account is going to be exhausted due to excessive withdrawals.

Well, that’s the kind of mistake I frequently made in the past. I’m embarrassed that I had been such a cynical person in relationships, especially with my family members.

I always blame my father for not providing enough financial support for the family, for not giving us enough good tertiary educations, and many more… Every time when we talk about money and about our lack of desirables, we’ll eventually end up quarrelling and hurting each other emotionally

What’s worse, all these happened even though I was aware that he already gave more than he could for the best of the family…

I had tried telling myself to change my ways, but I always failed.

And my procrastination took it’s toll last year, when my father met with an accident and succumbed to his injuries. It’s too late now, whatever that I wanted to tell him, he’ll never get to hear it ever again.

Having learned a valuable lesson, I started to comprehend the meaning of LOVE - that it is not something that happens out of sheer coincidence or born out of fate. A good relationship can only be fostered through mutual commitments and a great deal of understanding. It’s not something to be taken for granted to fulfill your personal expectations.

It’s about all about ‘deposits’, not only ‘withdrawals’.

It may be too late for my father, but I hope it’s still not too late for others.

Let’s LOVE again.

Well, he definitely has a point. But then, I don’t think I’m ready to get myself to define love yet. I’m just starting to get a small gist of it…

Denizens of Earth, meet a fragment of my body - my nostril hair. His name is Zed and his life motto is “just do it”.

Now most of you would ask, do what? Well, for him, he did things that none of you people willing to do. He helps me filter out harmful particles inside my nose, preventing them from entering into my lungs and screws everything up.

Being as productive as they inherently made to be, they also always take the trouble to collect them nasty dust particles together, and conveniently sticking wads of them at the wall inside my nostrils for me to collect & dispose everyday. (Zed happens to work at my left nostril).

If it weren’t for his (& his colleagues’) goodwill, I would have breathed in heaps of foreign materials into my system and I probably wouldn’t be sitting here still breathing today. He and his dilligent group of colleagues, are not only my valuable employees, but also are my symbiotic friends. Fate seems to have arranged for us to synergize together as an integration of efficient mass, trudging through the hostile world dispatching fear, like a porcupine & its quills, a bee & its sting, a hyena & its badass teeth, a dick & its cum.

That’s how important he is to me. Or shall I say, was.

Yes, sad as I am like the rest of Zed’s colleagues, today I have to bid him an emotional farewell… for today is the day he retire from his line of duty. It was a sad news for me alright, but I didn’t plead for him to stay, as I respected his decision of retiring. He deserved the long break after all those years of hardwork.

I tried to ask what is he planning to do post his retirement - but he didn’t give a definite answer. He dawdled for a while before look up to the sky with several beads of tears rolling down from the edge of his keratinous face. That was when I decided not to press further, perhaps the old follicle needed some time to be alone and think of his idle days getting old…

But whatever his plan is, I hope he knows that should he ever feel like coming back to work for me again, I definitely would be more than glad to welcome him back with an open nose.

“Farewell my friend…” I then said to him, and he gave me his only passport photo (as above) as a memento for our friendship and he wafted off into the thin air. He’s going to be missed by fellow colleagues, mucus & boogers alike.

I just learned from Emily last night, that my 14 year old niece got very depressed lately due to some social problems at school. Apparently, one of my boy-cousin, who’s of the same age as her, has been calling her ‘Chicken rice’ inside the schoolbus and she’s mad about it. And because she’s so mad about it, every other student got even more excited and now it sort of became her permanent callsign in and out of the schoolbus.

I was like “Mannnnn, Chicken Rice… what a creative name!”. Strangely enough, my niece’s name was nothing of that sort or of that may suggest anything pertaining chicken or rice. I guess some of you people are right, that when somebody wanted to aggravate you, they’ll be able to somehow pick a name to vex you off. But still, what a creative name.

This ’social problems at school’ thingy sort of triggered a string of memory burst of my good old carefree days where I played an important part in upholding the equilibrium of good versus evil. Which side I was in, you make your guess. At the age of 12, I was the epitome of all negative influences at school. A problem child. A miscreant. And if there’s anything bad that ever happens inside the class, I’d be the first to be blamed. Like, if it’s not Michael the menace, who else could it be? It’ll be so much more convenient to close the case by blaming the only meanie.

Hell yeah, how can I forget those days. I was consistently made the framing target, and that only fueled my diabolical ways even further. Unlike my niece, I wasn’t particularly anal about myself being able to socialize around. That’s because I couldn’t get along even with my own sister, and I sort of inured to the ‘hardships’ of being alone. That’s why, I never really had a good friend (I mean, a REAL good friend) in my primary schooling years, except for PukeMachine. But he’s a bit of a not-very-bright kind of person, hence I’d say he’s just plain unlucky to have met me (he could have met a four legged animal anytime, it’ll be his best friend too… no shit)

But then, I’m glad that I got along just fine in life. No I didn’t end up in jail. In fact, I did quite well compared to the majority of those teachers’ pets, and outdone many of them in life. (though I’m a bit of an antisocial and racist sometimes… especially behind the steering wheel). My colorful childhood.

Now back to my niece’s case. Upon hearing about her problems, I began to cackle like a hyena… “HAHAHHH! CHICKEN RICE! I’m so gonna use this name the next time I scold her!”. My irrational reaction triggered a series of disapproval from Emily - that I should be helping her (my niece) instead of rubbing salt into her ailing wound. She’s now completely flipped out, and according to my dimwitted sister, she might send her to see a psychiatrist if she ever starts to mutilate household animals (so I learned that not only my mom that needed the treatment…)

I guess it’s inherent in me to see people get pissed over nothing, but ‘chicken rice’ sure is a good one. Anyway, as a former school ruffian myself, I can understand that it would only intensify the excitement of her adversaries if my niece were to get riled over the remarks/name-callings. The more she gets annoyed, the more orgasmic it would be for them. So, the only way to get out of this, is laugh over it, and eventually, they’ll lose the thrill and move on to another target (or another name). And so the advice was conveyed… may my niece feel smarter already.

Having that advice given off as a trial, I think I’m ready to become somebody’s father. *pssshhh*

*****
The legendary insult I complimented (many years ago) to a fellow school bus fat-girl-student whose legs are full of mosquito bite scars:
“Hey damn fatty girl! Your legs are so full of 5 cents and 10 cents coins, that if you were to collect them together, you’re gonna get a few hundred bucks out of it!”

I think that remark scarred her deeper than the nastiest mosquito bite she has ever experienced. (and god knows how many more souls I’ve scarred in my juvenile years…)

Making use of my free time today (public holiday), I undertook a mission to check around the house - to see how much fengshui has invaded my house (since the last round). It didn’t look very good…

1 - This was found at the top of my wardrobe. It’s a statuette of some porcine deity with kids all around him. Not sure what it’s supposed to symbolize. Probably imbalanced diet and plenty of sex (fertility). *no wonder I felt like an animal on bed!
2 - A metallic gourd by the side of my bed. Gourds are known to bring fortune and longevity. Hmmmm…
3 - Another plastic gourd right behind the metallic one. Now I have my fortune and longevity in 2 version - plastic and metal. Oh yeah!
4 - This is a ‘pei yau’, a mythical creature that is known to have no ass and able to retain all your wealth without leaking it out (since it would have no anus as well). The Chinese seems to have a unique perception on excrements over wealth…

5 - I have no idea what this crustacean critter’s doing right beside my TV. Fengshui is sure weird…
6 - Next to the crab, is a rabbit and a rooster. My best guess is, mom’s collecting a complete menagerie of zodiac animals on the TV cabinet. She’s a zodiac animal freak.
7 - A big ass crystal ball that’s capable of performing some clairvoyance espionage surveillance. Don’t believe me? I can see your black pubic hair now.
8 - Another ‘pei yau’… with the grimacing look permanently etched to its face (that’s how you’re gonna look like when you’re anatomically incapable to shit)

9 - A golden hare/rabbit on top of my Tiffany & Co.’s brass clock. Not sure what it’s supposed to mean, to copulate at lightning speed within the shortest period of time?
10 - This amphibian was found hidden at the bottom of the TV cabinet. Frogs are known to be ‘wealth magnets’ in the fengshui world. Fucking hell, EVERYTHING’s a ‘wealth magnet’ in the fengshui world… as long as you pay for the merchandise.
11 - A flower shaped crystal lodged on the branch of a fake tree at the living room. Not sure if it means anything, but it sure looks odd…
12 - Some taoist amulet right below the flower crystal. This one I know, it’s suppose ward off evil spirits and shits. My mom’s a chicken when it comes to supernatural stuffs (hey, chicken! another animal that brings good fengshui!)

13 - Binded metallic coins on the table lamp stand. It provides proper grounding to the electrical properties of the lamp. (that’s good fengshui)
14 - I don’t know what this thing is. My best guess, it’s somekind of a medieval dildo that was used by fengshui masters to artificially induce orgasm in animals whom they believe will bestow them luck and fortune once they’re appeased like that…
15 - Another hidden frog. This one’s beneath my sofa. He’s in charge of voyeur department.
16 - More fengshui coins. Coins are like the major building blocks of fengshui. Keep the coins for yourself and give all the paper/plastic money to Lilian Too.

17 - A vessel full of treasure to ensure smooth journey in life. It’s alright I guess (though I very much preferred enough fundings for a lifetime supply of Royal Purple high performance engine oil…)
18 - A miniature decorative fake lantern at my apartment entrance. Whoever that walks past this lantern is required to grab a can of beer and finish it. And yes, you can save it for a single day settlement.
19 - Even more fengshui coins. I don’t fucking know what were they thinking… this is the 21st century goddamnit! COINS won’t cut the shit. PLATINUM CREDIT CARDS WOULD.
20 - A couple of crystal balls hanging from the hall light - a choking hazard for cicaks.

21 - Another crystal ball. This was found hanging inside the lair of the evil hag that gave birth to the 62% evil guy.
22 - On top of the fridge, where a couple of dragon tortoises hang out. Occasionally, they’d herd some helpless fridge magnet creatures to raze some pastures… and at times when they’re not, they’ll be shagging each other’s ass under the romantic fluorescent lamp of the kitchen.
23 - This is a pure breed of tortoise. Found on top of the washing machine. I don’t know what auspicious significance that it brings but, that creature sure look ’surprised’. Guess he got a tight facelift from the same plastic surgeon that did Kenny Rogers.
24 - Nine crystal balls hanging at the veranda. The crystal dude must be laughing all the way to the bank now, squelching money from intellectually challenged housewives like my mom.

I think my mom needs a psychologist psychiatrist.