April 20, 2006

requirements for dating Uncle Michael’s daughter

The prerequisite requirements for dating Uncle Michael’s daughter:

– A reader of MichaelOoi.net of minimum 3 years, or commented there for at least 200 times with intelligent questions/remarks – whichever comes first. (subject will be randomly asked with questions pertaining MichaelOoi.net archived entries for verification)

– The first time and every time you see Uncle Michael, you must pay royalty in the form of alcoholic beverage in 1 liter packaging. If the liquor is contraband or of counterfeit quality, you’ll be banned indefinitely from seeing his daughter

– You’ll have to declare any outing/date one week in advance, where you’ll also be required to register your personal details (residence address, academic history, place of employment, etc) with Uncle Michael. Uncle Michael will use that one week buffer period to verify your facts. If any of the declaration is found to be bogus, you can start look for another date.

– Any time you would like to bring Uncle Michael’s daughter out to anywhere, you’re required to leave your passport.. AND… something of significant value as mortgage at his residence (eg. your notebook, your expensive watch, your pet dog, etc)

– You’re required to bring Uncle Michael’s daughter home, safe and sound, before midnight. If you’re late for more than 5 minutes, Uncle Michael’s gonna torch your mortgage item. More than 10 minutes, your passport will be destroyed. More than 15 minutes, Uncle Michael’s gonna molotov cocktail your bike/car the next morning.

– Uncle Michael will be operating a toll inside/near his residence. A toll that charges exorbitant price to cover the painstaking years of raising his daughter. You are required to pay for the toll charges with no question asked. If you fail to pay, or attempt to bargain, you can start look for another date.

– Uncle Michael will probably rear a very mean dog. If Uncle Michael’s dog doesn’t like you, you’ll have to bring his daughter home 1 hour before the stipulated curfew hour and pay double the required exorbitant toll fee (to insure against your lack of charm and build up Uncle Michael’s confidence)

– If you ever hurt Uncle Michael’s daughter’s feelings or make her sad, Uncle Michael’s gonna make his mean dog hurt your bunghole in return, and make you an even more sad motherfucker.

*I’ll update the list when I can think of more

michaelooi  | 3-of-us  | 

33 Comments to “requirements for dating Uncle Michael’s daughter”

  1. My god! Your daughter is still her mother’s womb…

    o_O”””

    This is one tough future father blogger in law…

    hahahahahahhahahaaha…

    i can imagine how sacred this heavenly blog will be when your daughter reaches the age of dating…

  2. jlee says:

    by the time ur daughter grows up, it will b 20 yrs from now. u r setting the requirements now??? hahaha… this is real earlier. good for u!!!!
    guess if the guy ever read ur blog, he’ll scared of u definitely… hahaha

  3. auyongtc says:

    Before you update the list any further, I’m sending a litre of sake your way! ROTFLMAO! :p

  4. Eve says:

    You are going to be a mean father-in-law. Like Robert DeNiro in Meet the Fockers. haha

  5. bongkersz says:

    aduh, i got no chance already :D er, i think most of the readers here already in their twenties? you will let your daughter date someone about your age or older? :P :P

  6. michaelooi says:

    william – We’ll see….

    jlee – I started dating at 14. And that’s at the end of the previous century. With all these IMs, 3G cellphones and communication doohickeys spawning up like fungus, you think she’s going to start dating only at 20? I must say you’re an optimistic person…

    auyong – Eh, old man, han fan tik lah… go shag your kawaii Japanese colleagues…

    Eve – Robert DeNiro is cool. I like Robert DeNiro.

    bongkersz – Give me the ‘royalty’ first, then only I’ll tell you…

  7. buaya69 says:

    To add: I will have a clearance interview with my girl’s boyfriends, both standing. Beside me will be my ancient Sarawak parang…

    BTW, what if it’s a gal who wants to date your daughter? :P

  8. evil_gal says:

    whoa.. u start calling yourself uncle? haha… it’s good to set rules for guys who’s going to date your daughter but i doubt she will tell you she’s dating? and what if she’s a lesbian? *winks*

  9. erizabesu says:

    eh, u’re cool leh…my dad’s curfew was 10pm, and no phone calls after 10pm too! hahaha!

    i think you better add in your list on how that date dresses, how many earrings can he wear, what color hair can he dye… :p

  10. Danielle says:

    Hehe how bout when she can have sex eh? Will you educate her about the birds and the bees?

  11. arboon! says:

    ask for a bank statement or something similar to show he can pay for your daughter’s outing as well. then u don’t have to fork out any money!!!

    waaaaahahahaha…

  12. Bluesky says:

    Baby not born yet… the Dad start to SELL her la…. boy….

  13. mac says:

    waliao eh…

  14. 100 says:

    no age limit in the requirement, good…hehehehe I think I can fulfill all the requirement by the time your daughter is datable, except the dog part… :-(

  15. gutsygal says:

    OMG! lucky i am not ur daughter n luckily i am not a guy…wahahah so scary la u…

  16. Andre says:

    Hehehe.

    I think you should print and frame this post, then give it as birthday present to your daughter about age 12 or 13, as soon as the young boys start visiting…

  17. megabigblur says:

    K: Yeah! Go for the blogosphere matchmaking! Traditional matchmakers are out of date – don’t trust your kid’s future to an Ah Soh with scary makeup.

  18. Nicholas says:

    wahlao, even tho im still considered a young reader of this blog (19) i’ll be an old man when the time reaches for her to date…bah, i’ll take the chance, jack daniels ok or not? hahaaha xD

  19. Jas says:

    Oh… let’s say if you have a son. Will you question the young lady your son dates???? Do you think boys are spared in these circumstances???

  20. zbjernak says:

    how bout if is not a girl… but a boy? how?

  21. michaelooi says:

    buaya / evil_gal – If you haven’t already noticed, my rules are gender compatible. kih kih kih

    erizabesu – Wow, your dad’s from the Third Reich?

    danielle – High chances are, I don’t have to educate my kid about sex. Just look at what we have on the internet…

    arboon – I’m not worried about that one. My daughter will be smart, I’m gonna teach her how to milk her boyfriend’s moolah like a blood sucking leech.

    bluesky – You’re just jealous…

    100 – Oh that’s too bad then. But maybe you can try to bribe me to take away that dog-rule… with say……. a brand new car that I like? That’ll work.

    gutsy – Dontcha wish that you have a father like me dontcha?

    andre – I’m contemplating to make this a sticky post… hmmmmmm

    nicholas – Awww man, you cheap skate skunk! JD are for amateurs! And it tastes like a Chinese herbal medicine! NEXT!

    Jas – If I have a son, I’m gonna request my son’s date to perform nude squat in front of me – to see if there’s a chainsaw hidden inside her ovary or something – which might hurt my son during sex. Not a compulsory screening procedure… but, encouraged.

    zbjernak – It’s a girl. Trust me. I made her myself.

  22. Jas says:

    Alamak uncle Michael, why dun wanna tell us the truth lah. Anyway, thanks for the info… lol.. farny!!

  23. Wan Zafran says:

    Fuiyo.

    Well, at least, make sure that he, the person who comes after your daughter’s hand, signs a contract/letter of undertaking first. This will allow you to incinerate or destroy the mortgaged item in any way you prefer without ever needing to worry about impending legal action.

    Then you’d be safer, heh.

  24. K says:

    I have a three year old son, and though he is young, he has started showing some interesting attitude. He’s one curious lovable little rebel. Bet he will grow up to be a fine, sarcastic, handsome young man, like me… our kids should meet.

  25. TyplotioN says:

    WTF chainsaw in her Cheebye and hurt your son KKC? lolz, damn blardy funny man!

  26. michaelooi says:

    jas – The truth is, only girls are sensitive to relationships. For boys, anything goes… as long as the girl has a big bosom.

    wan – When you date somebody’s daughter, you lose all your rights. Hehehh (liability shits can be serious, yes I’m aware abt that… of course I have backup ‘plans’)

    K – If your son is rich, why not? XD

    lotion – WTF, touch your kkc with a spinning chainsaw and you’ll know how serious it is…

    megabigblur – You can count on Uncle Michael. He’s gonna make you an offer you can’t refuse.

  27. _dan_ says:

    whoa, you have more than ‘8’ rules for dating your teenage daughter!!

    bummer…

  28. tyra says:

    goodness me…u r one mean daddy :p

  29. vincent says:

    So at what age are you going to allow her to start dating?

  30. michaelooi says:

    _dan_ – That show sux. Watch Seinfeld.

    tyra – Yeah I know… especially when I hold a leather whip and a gigantic dildo.

    vincent – I think I’m old enough to allow her start dating ;D

  31. frostier says:

    i believe that Uncle Michael daughter will be the first one who freaked out when see her father blog. especially this entry.

  32. gutsygal says:

    uncle michael if u r my dad i tink i wanna choke myself to death coz i tink no guys will ever want to date me dy la..spoil market onli…sure will b single sad n lonely my whole life…wahaha dun la…i pity ur daughter aleidi…tsk tsk! actually i got no freedom aso…dats y i understand how she will feel…heheheh chill la..no need so fast gua…i tink by the time she is 20 the list like cloth so long wei… =)

  33. arboon! says:

    not even out in this world already got rules to dating.

    after 3rd date only sign pre-nup terus…

    waaaaaaahahahahaha…

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