fengshui fever (take 3)
Making use of my free time today (public holiday), I undertook a mission to check around the house - to see how much fengshui has invaded my house (since the last round). It didn’t look very good…
1 - This was found at the top of my wardrobe. It’s a statuette of some porcine deity with kids all around him. Not sure what it’s supposed to symbolize. Probably imbalanced diet and plenty of sex (fertility). *no wonder I felt like an animal on bed!
2 - A metallic gourd by the side of my bed. Gourds are known to bring fortune and longevity. Hmmmm…
3 - Another plastic gourd right behind the metallic one. Now I have my fortune and longevity in 2 version - plastic and metal. Oh yeah!
4 - This is a ‘pei yau’, a mythical creature that is known to have no ass and able to retain all your wealth without leaking it out (since it would have no anus as well). The Chinese seems to have a unique perception on excrements over wealth…
5 - I have no idea what this crustacean critter’s doing right beside my TV. Fengshui is sure weird…
6 - Next to the crab, is a rabbit and a rooster. My best guess is, mom’s collecting a complete menagerie of zodiac animals on the TV cabinet. She’s a zodiac animal freak.
7 - A big ass crystal ball that’s capable of performing some clairvoyance espionage surveillance. Don’t believe me? I can see your black pubic hair now.
8 - Another ‘pei yau’… with the grimacing look permanently etched to its face (that’s how you’re gonna look like when you’re anatomically incapable to shit)
9 - A golden hare/rabbit on top of my Tiffany & Co.’s brass clock. Not sure what it’s supposed to mean, to copulate at lightning speed within the shortest period of time?
10 - This amphibian was found hidden at the bottom of the TV cabinet. Frogs are known to be ‘wealth magnets’ in the fengshui world. Fucking hell, EVERYTHING’s a ‘wealth magnet’ in the fengshui world… as long as you pay for the merchandise.
11 - A flower shaped crystal lodged on the branch of a fake tree at the living room. Not sure if it means anything, but it sure looks odd…
12 - Some taoist amulet right below the flower crystal. This one I know, it’s suppose ward off evil spirits and shits. My mom’s a chicken when it comes to supernatural stuffs (hey, chicken! another animal that brings good fengshui!)
13 - Binded metallic coins on the table lamp stand. It provides proper grounding to the electrical properties of the lamp. (that’s good fengshui)
14 - I don’t know what this thing is. My best guess, it’s somekind of a medieval dildo that was used by fengshui masters to artificially induce orgasm in animals whom they believe will bestow them luck and fortune once they’re appeased like that…
15 - Another hidden frog. This one’s beneath my sofa. He’s in charge of voyeur department.
16 - More fengshui coins. Coins are like the major building blocks of fengshui. Keep the coins for yourself and give all the paper/plastic money to Lilian Too.
17 - A vessel full of treasure to ensure smooth journey in life. It’s alright I guess (though I very much preferred enough fundings for a lifetime supply of Royal Purple high performance engine oil…)
18 - A miniature decorative fake lantern at my apartment entrance. Whoever that walks past this lantern is required to grab a can of beer and finish it. And yes, you can save it for a single day settlement.
19 - Even more fengshui coins. I don’t fucking know what were they thinking… this is the 21st century goddamnit! COINS won’t cut the shit. PLATINUM CREDIT CARDS WOULD.
20 - A couple of crystal balls hanging from the hall light - a choking hazard for cicaks.
21 - Another crystal ball. This was found hanging inside the lair of the evil hag that gave birth to the 62% evil guy.
22 - On top of the fridge, where a couple of dragon tortoises hang out. Occasionally, they’d herd some helpless fridge magnet creatures to raze some pastures… and at times when they’re not, they’ll be shagging each other’s ass under the romantic fluorescent lamp of the kitchen.
23 - This is a pure breed of tortoise. Found on top of the washing machine. I don’t know what auspicious significance that it brings but, that creature sure look ’surprised’. Guess he got a tight facelift from the same plastic surgeon that did Kenny Rogers.
24 - Nine crystal balls hanging at the veranda. The crystal dude must be laughing all the way to the bank now, squelching money from intellectually challenged housewives like my mom.
I think my mom needs a psychologist psychiatrist.
Well, at least your Mom see it through and decorates with them. My Mom just stockpiles these useless things in the cellar and tries to give the to me when I go visit. I really have no idea what to do with these things. I’m so glad I live alone.
Nice house! Haha and you sure do have a LOT of feng-shui things
waliaoeh the dildo damn funnny
ur house banyak ‘ong’… next time if i bad luck, i go ur house stay for few days..
wah sai.. that’s quite a number of fengshui related items in your house.. beh tahan
wow man…
u could open a fengshui shop with all of that!
really…very scarry… so much of them!
fengshui or not
one thing i know for sure,
people who sold it to your mom, their wealth flow in unlimited.
hehehehehehehehe
i believe in fengshui…only when it involves some natural nature things like facing south, facing sea, back by mountain those type…
when it come to buying figurines, coins, piyu, i think is no longer fengshui… is all commercialize
Alil bit more and your house would be qualified for House of Feng Shui. Alot of “chi” channelled around your house. hahaha
No wonder Lilian Too is getting so filthy rich and fat these days! ;p
psychologist? psychiatrist u mean
….Lillian Too?
believe it or not, the one who get good feng shui is the one who sell you this & that and those who tell you right and wrong, eg Lilian2, I guess most of you have seen her feng Shui talk, yak, never stop telling people to buy this and that.
As ‘pei yau’ is not everyone can use it, read one of the feng shui book some where, perhaps I might miss read it, so be caution
The Frog it should be place on top a small table 1 – 2 feet from ground facing digonally towards the door. I might miss read it too.
I hope the ship you shown is a Merchant ship (pic a bit small to see clearly), and not battle ship. Add some gold nugget or coin, that show the merhant ship is bring wealth to you, and be sure is face in the house and not out
and there is only 2 answer for your multiple question.
Is best you can place a small fountain at you most ‘Chi’ place, where you can hear the fresh water flowing, this will make your home more pleaseful and fresh, espicially after a hard day work and moment you setp into your house, first thing who greed you is the soothing sound of water flowing, Hey dude welcome home
Feng shui, believe it or not, you will only know when you try it
It work, I am rich or fuck it, wasted my money and energy
My apartment used to be plain and simple, with self-inspired contemporary designs.
But not anymore. I’m so fucking sad. Leave me alone.
That’s a lot of feng shui stuff in your house.
i think your mother just redefined the whole meaning of fengshui fanatic. hahah.
Dood,
Wah lotsa turtle lying around, man you gonna live loooooooooooooooooooooong time.
number 23 can be a dildo too..haha
Now I have my fortune and longevity in 2 version - plastic and metal.
In modern times, plastic fortune better than metal fortune. Because with respect to money, metal = cash, but plastic = credit card.
megabigblur - heheh, better or not, I have both.
banyaknya~~~~
I had the worst encounter with lilian ttoo ever. To make it short, she came in asking me where do we keep her books while I was working in mph after my exams. i told her all reservations made can be checked in the counter area. and she was like “no, i meant my books. the books I wrote”. obviously not knowing who that ang moh wannabe prosperous looking hag she is, i asked what books and asked for her name. she said lilian too and i took her to the shelf where her books are kept. and before i left, she asked me how long have i been working there and i said 3 months n she said “oh im suprised you’ve been here this long and you don’t know the authors’ names and books inthe bookstore” with a smile. i replied there are over 10,000 books and we are only required to know the bestselling items n walked away. so much for what fengshui has gotten into her head. ishh!!
u can open feng shui shop dy