I’m sure there are a lot of you who lives in landed properties, have asshole neighbors who rear badass dogs. Big badass kooky dogs. That make more noise than 10 mother-in-laws combined. They wake you up at odd hours in the middle of the night, spoil your night piling projects and fuck up your concentration when you’re trimming your nostril hairs – all because a stupid cat decided to amble pass your neighbor’s gate… (not to mention the biological wastes that the dogs generate along the public walkway around your neighborhood… courtesy of its inconsiderate owner/master)

Now first of all, let’s have a short understanding why these people keep such boisterous crazy dogs in the first place. In the ancient times, dogs were reared to keep homes safe for security purposes. But in the 21st century where electronics are already as efficient as a bhai security guard, we don’t need them fucking dogs anymore. More often than not, they’re kept as a pet, an object of desire, or purely for sexual gratification (who cares) – which in this case, they should be rightfully kept inside their homes (and leave us innocent people a peaceful neighborhood).

But no. Some of these people, knowing that their dogs are a bit of a mad fucking piece of biological disaster, would let them all loose outside the compound, and torment the souls of their neighbors with the irregular barkings. That’s when YOU KNOW, that you NEED to do something about it. You NEED to FIX the fucking problem. You aren’t gonna let that 4 legged noise maker spoil your life.

Now what can you do? You can’t confront your stupid neighbor that’s for sure. They’ll just laugh at your ass for being such a wacko to complain about the creation of God being a noisy motherfucker in your neighborhood. And for sure, you wouldn’t expect these retards to rid of their dogs just because you don’t like them. They just don’t give a fuck about anything else. There’s only one solution to this predicament – dispatch them son of a bitches.

That’s right. We fucking kill them (no… not the neighbors. The DOG!). How? Here’s how…

Easiest way is to use a crowbar. Spot a right moment when the dog’s sleeping/hibernating (or you can feed it a roofie), go right in front of it and give a good cold hard swing right in the middle of the canine’s skull. This should spurt some of its brain matter and probably an eyeball or two out. Expect some high pitched whimpering… but if you’re hard enough, it’ll be as quiet as a dead dog. But beware though, as this can be very messy and could get you into trouble if you’re spotted by your asshole neighbor, which is why, we should move on to the next more less risky and more favorable solution.

Poison it. This is by far the most popular method used to kill a dog. It’s clean, hassle free and relatively easy. Just spray shitloads of insecticide onto a succulent looking piece of meat (or soak it, whatever), and entice that dog to eat it. Upon ingestion, that dog would go through a slow painful death (depends on the type of poison used). Be careful not to lick your hands after handling the poison, unless you want to stay young forever (corpses don’t get old… if you get my drift)

Or if that’s a method too cruel for you, you can opt for a sweeter alternative. Feed it with heaps of chocolates (sounds phony, but trust me). Some info I got from my sources revealed that there’s some chemical in chocolates that could fuck up a dog’s bodily functions pretty bad. High dose of it could cause vulnerability to heart attacks (or something like that). So, all you gotta do is feed it with a few packs of M&M’s… and wait for it to turn feeble. Once it’s stricken with these calorie ridden ‘poison’, all you gotta do is pop a paper bag or jump at it in a clown suit – then watch it die of heart attack.

But there’s something that need to be considered, as you know, dogs nowadays are kinda intelligent. With a whiff of the nose, they’re able to tell if you had a boob job… what more to determine the toxicity its own food or what’s edible. It’ll only spell trouble if the dog refuses to eat anything you offered and your neighbor to discover your bait in his/her compound the next day. So, unless the dog’s stupid or has a screwed olfactory function, you should seriously consider a more viable option to kill it.

The next possible answer for your woes could be a ‘tazer’. You know the stun gun that fires short range projectile darts that’s capable of transferring thousands of volts to temporary paralyze a human? Well, it’ll kill a dog. It might not be as widely available, but if you can get it, it should be put into good use. Like kill your neighbor’s dog. (if you can find one, do everyone a favor, please kill the rest of the crazy dogs in the neighborhood as well…) Or if you can’t find a tazer, get a stun gun or a cattle prod. Just stun the goddamn animal repeatedly until it stops moving. Not cheap but good.

If you’re running tight on money and in serious need to kill a dog, well, you can just remove your car’s catalytic converter. With that done, reverse your car near to your neighbor’s gate/fence, close to where the dog prancing up and down doing its savage acts. Then rev your engine hard. Do it every morning (or whenever you have the opportunity). The fucking dog will whiff in a lot of contaminated carbon monoxide during its energy consuming barking zeal, and succumb to respiratory problems in the long term. Might not be a fast solution though, but it’s cost efficient. (you’ll also get better fuel consumption without the catcon… the money saved can be used to buy the dog chocolates to speed up it’s ‘check-out day’).

Alright, that’s probably more than enough that one can absorb. The best option, is always a balance between a pragmatic approach, against cost efficiency. Of course, the end result is always a dead dog and one hell of a sad neighbor. But think about it… it’s your future that you’re fixing. Would you rather be getting sleepless nights hearing that crazy dog bark like there’s no tomorrow? Or would you like a quiet and peaceful sleep on your comfortable bed? If you’ve made your choice, then do something about it.