Archive for March, 2006

March 22, 2006

flashed and bashed

“Dear, I had a dream about us again last night…”

“So what was it all about this time?”

“I dreamt that somebody tried to seduce you. ”

Now, if that isn’t gonna be exciting… I thought.
She went into the details, I acted cool.

“It was one of my distant friend from my hometown, not bad looking… we’re going [somewhere]”

[somewhere] – I actually forgot the place she mentioned, I wasn’t really paying attention to that trivial part…

“Then what happened?”

“My friend then lifted up her blouse and flashed you her tits…”

“OMG, really?? This is way too coooll!”

“Yeah, she did that to you… right before my own eyes!”

I wanted to ask if the titties were big, but I digressed…

“And then?? And then??”

“And then I berated you.”

“What the fuck?? She flashed me her titties and you berated me?? You should have done that to her instead!”

“It just happened, how do I know?”

Mannnn, this is so ‘potong stim’! Why is it always us men to get the blame whenever something bad happens? Somebody tell me if this is fair!

Girls, please don’t flash us your tits… as it will get us into trouble. Now you don’t want to get us into trouble do you? I beg you please, don’t flash us your tits.

michaelooi  | 2-of-us  | 13 Comments

Inefficiency and hostility of JPJ staffs

Wanna know how good, “telus” and “efisien” our JPJ staffs are? Hover over to my friend’s blog entry here.

Feel free to distribute this interesting encounter. If you’re from the press, email my friend about it, he’d like it to be published publicly (the Datuk actually challenged to get this to the press…)

We do not need arrogant Datuks around, we need somebody who can really lead and do things right.

Here’s the URL again in case you missed it

michaelooi  | site stuff  | Comments Off
March 21, 2006

how to deal with mad doggies

I’m sure there are a lot of you who lives in landed properties, have asshole neighbors who rear badass dogs. Big badass kooky dogs. That make more noise than 10 mother-in-laws combined. They wake you up at odd hours in the middle of the night, spoil your night piling projects and fuck up your concentration when you’re trimming your nostril hairs – all because a stupid cat decided to amble pass your neighbor’s gate… (not to mention the biological wastes that the dogs generate along the public walkway around your neighborhood… courtesy of its inconsiderate owner/master)

Now first of all, let’s have a short understanding why these people keep such boisterous crazy dogs in the first place. In the ancient times, dogs were reared to keep homes safe for security purposes. But in the 21st century where electronics are already as efficient as a bhai security guard, we don’t need them fucking dogs anymore. More often than not, they’re kept as a pet, an object of desire, or purely for sexual gratification (who cares) – which in this case, they should be rightfully kept inside their homes (and leave us innocent people a peaceful neighborhood).

But no. Some of these people, knowing that their dogs are a bit of a mad fucking piece of biological disaster, would let them all loose outside the compound, and torment the souls of their neighbors with the irregular barkings. That’s when YOU KNOW, that you NEED to do something about it. You NEED to FIX the fucking problem. You aren’t gonna let that 4 legged noise maker spoil your life.

Now what can you do? You can’t confront your stupid neighbor that’s for sure. They’ll just laugh at your ass for being such a wacko to complain about the creation of God being a noisy motherfucker in your neighborhood. And for sure, you wouldn’t expect these retards to rid of their dogs just because you don’t like them. They just don’t give a fuck about anything else. There’s only one solution to this predicament – dispatch them son of a bitches.

That’s right. We fucking kill them (no… not the neighbors. The DOG!). How? Here’s how…

Easiest way is to use a crowbar. Spot a right moment when the dog’s sleeping/hibernating (or you can feed it a roofie), go right in front of it and give a good cold hard swing right in the middle of the canine’s skull. This should spurt some of its brain matter and probably an eyeball or two out. Expect some high pitched whimpering… but if you’re hard enough, it’ll be as quiet as a dead dog. But beware though, as this can be very messy and could get you into trouble if you’re spotted by your asshole neighbor, which is why, we should move on to the next more less risky and more favorable solution.

Poison it. This is by far the most popular method used to kill a dog. It’s clean, hassle free and relatively easy. Just spray shitloads of insecticide onto a succulent looking piece of meat (or soak it, whatever), and entice that dog to eat it. Upon ingestion, that dog would go through a slow painful death (depends on the type of poison used). Be careful not to lick your hands after handling the poison, unless you want to stay young forever (corpses don’t get old… if you get my drift)

Or if that’s a method too cruel for you, you can opt for a sweeter alternative. Feed it with heaps of chocolates (sounds phony, but trust me). Some info I got from my sources revealed that there’s some chemical in chocolates that could fuck up a dog’s bodily functions pretty bad. High dose of it could cause vulnerability to heart attacks (or something like that). So, all you gotta do is feed it with a few packs of M&M’s… and wait for it to turn feeble. Once it’s stricken with these calorie ridden ‘poison’, all you gotta do is pop a paper bag or jump at it in a clown suit – then watch it die of heart attack.

But there’s something that need to be considered, as you know, dogs nowadays are kinda intelligent. With a whiff of the nose, they’re able to tell if you had a boob job… what more to determine the toxicity its own food or what’s edible. It’ll only spell trouble if the dog refuses to eat anything you offered and your neighbor to discover your bait in his/her compound the next day. So, unless the dog’s stupid or has a screwed olfactory function, you should seriously consider a more viable option to kill it.

The next possible answer for your woes could be a ‘tazer’. You know the stun gun that fires short range projectile darts that’s capable of transferring thousands of volts to temporary paralyze a human? Well, it’ll kill a dog. It might not be as widely available, but if you can get it, it should be put into good use. Like kill your neighbor’s dog. (if you can find one, do everyone a favor, please kill the rest of the crazy dogs in the neighborhood as well…) Or if you can’t find a tazer, get a stun gun or a cattle prod. Just stun the goddamn animal repeatedly until it stops moving. Not cheap but good.

If you’re running tight on money and in serious need to kill a dog, well, you can just remove your car’s catalytic converter. With that done, reverse your car near to your neighbor’s gate/fence, close to where the dog prancing up and down doing its savage acts. Then rev your engine hard. Do it every morning (or whenever you have the opportunity). The fucking dog will whiff in a lot of contaminated carbon monoxide during its energy consuming barking zeal, and succumb to respiratory problems in the long term. Might not be a fast solution though, but it’s cost efficient. (you’ll also get better fuel consumption without the catcon… the money saved can be used to buy the dog chocolates to speed up it’s ‘check-out day’).

Alright, that’s probably more than enough that one can absorb. The best option, is always a balance between a pragmatic approach, against cost efficiency. Of course, the end result is always a dead dog and one hell of a sad neighbor. But think about it… it’s your future that you’re fixing. Would you rather be getting sleepless nights hearing that crazy dog bark like there’s no tomorrow? Or would you like a quiet and peaceful sleep on your comfortable bed? If you’ve made your choice, then do something about it.

michaelooi  | enlightenments  | 23 Comments

go the distance

When I go to clubs to drink with my buddies, she says “You’ve been spending too much money”

When I go to my buddies’ homes to drink with my buddies, she says “Drinking is bad for your health”

When I stay around to detail my automobile, she says “You’re not spending enough time at home”

When I stay at home and get on the internet, she says “You’re not spending enough time with me”

When I spend some time to watch some TV with her, she says “You’re boring”

But when she isn’t around to nag about me and my life, I lose all my passion to
1) go out
2) drink
3) detail my car
4) get online
5) watch the tv
6) have fun

I guess we men are natural born sadists. A little discouragement will get us very far. Encouragements on the other hand, spoil us like sour milk.

I’ve gotta spend less time getting online.

michaelooi  | 2-of-us  | 10 Comments
March 19, 2006

shocking revelation

This morning, when I was getting ready to go for breakfast, I accidentally saw something hidden behind my room CD player. It looked like a transparent container of some kind, and there was something in it. Curious, I took the container out to see what it was… and saw something that I will shockingly remember for the rest of my life…

It was a TOYOL!!!!!

(I’m sure you guys know what’s a toyol… Well for those who don’t, toyol is actually a resurrected undead fetus in the Malay mythology. A toyol is usually reared to perform mischief on behalf of its master… like stealing or crashing your computers and stuffs… It’s a form of black magic.)

Now that probably explains the scratching I had experienced last week… kanineh! Whoever that puts it there, is definitely up to no good!

I have taken a picture of that foul creature (click ‘more’ to view it, discretion is advised), and am gonna call the authorities soon…
Read the rest of this entry »

michaelooi  | imaginations  | 23 Comments