and getting yourself ripped off.

hi this is Death speaking. You’d probably be wondering who i am.

Well, the webmaster has just lost his soul to me (for a couple days) in a game of poker, including this purported ‘evil’ blog of his.

Since I am free to do anything I like on his behalf, I was thinking of fucking up you people’s eyes to accentuate his evil-ness, you know what I mean? So I changed this blog layout to pink. Huargghhagh haghh!

My boss sent an email memo to the lab today
FYI.
Inventory Control team is conducting physical inventory count at the lab around 11am.
Treat the girls (and boys, if any) nicely. Thanks.

I replied him this
Can we just tie them up and torture them with our soldering iron?
just kidding.
We’ll take good care of them. We promise.

Of course I lied. I’m gonna make those dorks regret to be born on the wrong planet…

Hey, I’m sure many of you guys out there have a lot of difficult harridans to face at work. Now don’t you want to give that bitch something for Valentines Day? Think again…

The Mysterious Perfume
Go find a bottle of those cheap counterfeit branded perfume. Make sure the bottle’s not transparent as we’ll need to add something extra into it (and we don’t want her to see that). Now find a way to open up the bottle’s spray nozzle. Once opened, discard half of it’s content out.

That missing half, replace it with ‘cincaluk’. (depends on how abominable that subject is, you may add in the ‘extra ingredient’ of your choice eg. diluted vinegar, cat piss, your own shit chowder, etc). Once done, reattach the spray nozzle.

Wrap up your special gift with a flashy wrapping paper accompanied with a stupid love poem, and send it to the subject in her office. Now don’t you be so stupid to put your own name on the card or deliver the gift yourself. Just sign it as ‘Your Secret Admirer’ and FedEx it off.

Remarks: Bitch’s gonna unsuspectingly use the perfume. Or at least test-spray it. Most perfume are alcohol based (counterfeit or not). Once alcohol evaporated, the stink agent’s going to remain and she’s gonna smell like a housefly’s Valentine…

Valentines Cake
Buy a slice of cake (about the size of Secret Recipe cheesecake). A cheap one will do. Split the cake into half, and then carefully separate both halves apart. Then hollow out a small portion at the cake’s core (on either one half or both) with a spoon.

Now you can fill in that hollow space with anything you like. Mashed rotten eggs, dead roaches, pubic hairs, etc. Just stuff them in at your discretion. Then seal back both halves of the cake with cream/starch. Once it’s back in one piece, carefully spread flavoured icing across the surface of the cake to hide any visual defects that might arouse the bitch’s suspicion.

Pack it up in a Secret Recipe box. Send it with a ‘Secret Admirer’ card.

Remarks: That bitch’s going to repay back all her previous misdeeds in just one bite of that ‘cake’.

Repugnant shits
Element of surprise again. This is almost the same as the Valentines Cake idea - except that you’re dealing with something that’s ALIVE.

You know how repugnant those slimy earthworms are? Especially when there are shitloads of them? Good. Send a box full of those to the bitch. Or you can send her a box containing a gazillion leeches or any silent creepy crawlies. (or pads soaked with fermented tomato sauce - an idea from one of the comments in my previous Valentines Day entry)

Remarks: She’s going to scream smack dab in the middle of the office, attracting a lot of attention.

I’ll add more if I can think of any…

Our path have crossed again. I’ve defeated him exactly a year ago, and here he is again, standing right under my nose, gazing at me in a vindictive manner. Perhaps that bitter defeat was too hard for him to swallow than I’ve originally thought. That little guy is back to redeem his honour with a revenge, I can tell from his set of beady eyes.

We lock our gaze in a moment of pin drop silence while my mind flashes back the bloody battle we had a year ago, which resulted him and his crusaders an embarassing defeat. I then take a moment to study this old foe carefully - He is blessed with a more sturdy physique now, with scintillating sparks in his eyes, and is certainly more prepared than our last encounter. I’m fast becoming concerned about my own fate…

“HAHAHHHHH! I’m Spai-deh-man and I’m gonna climb up on your head!” he suddenly bellows out in a booming voice.

It appears that our original rubber suited warrior had taken a different course of heroic career to become an arachnid superhuman, in full hope that I’ll be intimidated by his new found mighty superpower. But little does he know, that I didn’t come that far to be such a wuss, for I, though may be bitten feebled by old age and excessive indulgence in slothing, would NEVER give up a battle without a fervent fight.

Honouring the code of monsters, I brace my imminent danger boldly like a true villain and bolt off my first kick on Spai-deh-man’s ass unprovoked, instigating him to skedaddle across the floor to another corner. He then tried to confuse me with some warp speed acrobatic maneuvers… but I am good enough to latch him up for a few more pokes on his armpit and ribcage… which he reflexes with a loud yelp.

And that yelp, attracted some unwanted attention from his mom (the sister of that mad lightsaber wielder, also sister of Emily, that once crippled the ultraman siblings’ noble cause one long year ago). Just as Spai-deh-man carelessly got himself ready to pounce at me to show his unappreciation, his mom grabbed him from behind and sealed his mouth with a cellophane tape.

“Spiderman, eh? Let’s see how you’re gonna make anymore noise now.” - that was the final magic spell that sealed Spai-deh-man’s fate. He was later grounded by standing straight against the wall.

The evil prevailed, again.

I later spent the next 10 or so minutes ridiculing and taunting that immobilized Spai-Deh-Man, before whipping out a camera to capture that sweet smelling event.

I’ve been longing to watch “Fearless” ever since it was launched on 26th Jan, but couldn’t get myself any tix to watch it. Well, that’s because all the major theaters in town has been fully booked in conjuncture with the CNY holidays. After a few attempts (and a great deal of perseverance), I finally watched it yesterday.

And it didn’t live up to my expectations.

Sure enough, it’s good, but it wasn’t as good as I’ve anticipated. Being an avid fan of kungfu flicks, I’d say this movie is pale in comparison to those legendary kungfu blockbusters such as Tsui Hark’s “Once Upon A Time In China” and “Swordsman” trilogies.

I think it lacked of a certain something that would make many kungfu fanatics (like me) find appealing - a main villain for the hero to stomp at - A tacit formula for any successful kungfu films. A symbolical victory of good against evil. A purpose in life, you know, shits like that. I know it’s corny but hey, it’s always better to have an object to hate at and later to have that hero weed that motherfucker’s ass out. You get what I mean?

But not in this movie. The villains are more like sporadic. Apparently, the director (whoever that was), tried to make the villain of the movie to be Master Fok (the protagonist of the film) himself. As a result of that, you’d get a batter of dramatic character played by Jet Li, which I find unappealing. I think he’s more suitable to play solemn looking roles. One that’s cruel and doesn’t even elicit a half hearted smile. (even if he were to smile, it’s only for his awesome looking girlfriend in exchange for a round of steamy sex, oh yeah bebeh). Check out the Master Wong role he played in “Once Upon A Time In China”… it’s awesome.

Some preposterous plots too. I’m not too sure if it’s suppose to conform to the original historical happenings that befell on Master Fuck Fok himself, but the part about his repentance after being a farmer, is goddamn ridiculous. Things that I failed to comprehend:

1) Why in the world would planting rice crops teach a conceited person to realize that he should respect life in general? Why wouldn’t he listen to what his mom said to him in length but would find his nirvana when a knockout gorgeous chick merely uttered something colloquial in just one sentence? Chick power?

2) A chick that’s blind, would have little narcissism left in her. That’s because she can’t fucking see the mirror. She would have no regards of how she would look but would focus on how to be tough and persevere to cope with her disability. But in this flick… nevermind.

The fight scenes were nicely choreographed though - the main selling point of the movie. I particularly loved the sword fight (or sabre fight) with that bald villain inside a restaurant. It’s energetic and very violent. I LIKEEEEEE!!! And that, was the only cream I enjoyed about the movie. I totally do not dig the uplifting and Zen part of the work.

Perhaps, I’m more ‘accustomed’ to the conventional kungfu films that feature heroes kicking asses. Only kicking asses, not being kicked at.

*****

Something I shared at the cafeteria today:

How would “Fearless” look like if it were to be directed by the following people?

John Woo - Fights would be screened in slow-mo. Halfway through the climactic fight, there would be pigeons flying out of nowhere.

Ang Li - Master Fok will be portrayed as a homosexual wuss that does odd job pimping for a living. He was later engaged in an anti-gravitational fight that mind boggles the viewer. The film would then end abruptly with an ancient Chinese pictogram text that nobody understands.

Quentin Tarantino - The script will consist 30% of the word ‘fuck’. 20% of it will be ‘mother’. 10% of it will be on various expletives. And there will be gangsterism, drugs and sexual elements in the movie.

Steven Spielberg - The villains Master Fok up against turn out to be robots planning to take over the world. And halfway through his quest, he’d met little fairies and disproportionate friendly aliens that would aid him through his course.

James Cameron - The entire film, fights and plots took place on a giant wooden ship, which would sink at the finale of the movie and everybody fucking dies.

Peter Jackson - Master Fok will sport a beard and a silky smooth rebonded straight long hair (like Cher’s), and his adversaries are green in colour and looked like Triceratops.

Sam Raimi - Master Fok will be cutting up plasticine zombies instead of live humans. With a chainsaw.

Martin Scorsese - Master Fok will be an artist instead of a kungfu master. He would then become an alcoholic and later die out of self injury with a vibrator.

*****