Hey, I’m sure many of you guys out there have a lot of difficult harridans to face at work. Now don’t you want to give that bitch something for Valentines Day? Think again…
The Mysterious Perfume
Go find a bottle of those cheap counterfeit branded perfume. Make sure the bottle’s not transparent as we’ll need to add something extra into it (and we don’t want her to see that). Now find a way to open up the bottle’s spray nozzle. Once opened, discard half of it’s content out.
That missing half, replace it with ‘cincaluk’. (depends on how abominable that subject is, you may add in the ‘extra ingredient’ of your choice eg. diluted vinegar, cat piss, your own shit chowder, etc). Once done, reattach the spray nozzle.
Wrap up your special gift with a flashy wrapping paper accompanied with a stupid love poem, and send it to the subject in her office. Now don’t you be so stupid to put your own name on the card or deliver the gift yourself. Just sign it as ‘Your Secret Admirer’ and FedEx it off.
Remarks: Bitch’s gonna unsuspectingly use the perfume. Or at least test-spray it. Most perfume are alcohol based (counterfeit or not). Once alcohol evaporated, the stink agent’s going to remain and she’s gonna smell like a housefly’s Valentine…
Valentines Cake
Buy a slice of cake (about the size of Secret Recipe cheesecake). A cheap one will do. Split the cake into half, and then carefully separate both halves apart. Then hollow out a small portion at the cake’s core (on either one half or both) with a spoon.
Now you can fill in that hollow space with anything you like. Mashed rotten eggs, dead roaches, pubic hairs, etc. Just stuff them in at your discretion. Then seal back both halves of the cake with cream/starch. Once it’s back in one piece, carefully spread flavoured icing across the surface of the cake to hide any visual defects that might arouse the bitch’s suspicion.
Pack it up in a Secret Recipe box. Send it with a ‘Secret Admirer’ card.
Remarks: That bitch’s going to repay back all her previous misdeeds in just one bite of that ‘cake’.
Repugnant shits
Element of surprise again. This is almost the same as the Valentines Cake idea - except that you’re dealing with something that’s ALIVE.
You know how repugnant those slimy earthworms are? Especially when there are shitloads of them? Good. Send a box full of those to the bitch. Or you can send her a box containing a gazillion leeches or any silent creepy crawlies. (or pads soaked with fermented tomato sauce - an idea from one of the comments in my previous Valentines Day entry)
Remarks: She’s going to scream smack dab in the middle of the office, attracting a lot of attention.
I’ll add more if I can think of any…
That Valentine’s Cake reminds me of my uncle who used to stuff shit into durians he grabbed from a nearby orchard in his kampung. Well, after eating the seeds firstlah.
baddies. hahaha…
Shit, man, these are excellent ideas. Looking forward to piss off my Valentine (when I have one, that is).
you demented man, you! LoL. i like those evil ideas!
how about putting scorpion or somekind of lipan bara in a bouquet of rose , sure you’ll be remembered. heheh.
*GASP* Man, I am sooo very afraid. Haha!
swallow - Your uncle is sick… but i like him.
aaron - Wuss…
wan - Dude, if you ain’t got any yet, that means they’re already pissed off. You have a problem. Probably might wanna venture those penis enlargement spams if there’s any truth in them (hey what the fuck?)
ben - If I’m having fun, spending less money and I’m demented, then those palookas swiping their wealth for a plant’s sex organ (but ain’t getting any sex himself) must be retarded.
cry4freedom - Well, you can put a hyena in there. Just use your creativity dude.
primrose - Why afraid dear? They’re just shits. You purge them everyday. AHAKSSS
Wow.. dun be so mean lar you all… hehehehehe…
why not get a stuff toy (teddy bear), empty the stuff toy, put durians in it. Sealed it back. Put it beside her bedside. Don’t let her touch it first. Take her out for makan then send her home. I think by the time she reach home, it will smell very good. Happi Valentine.. and Happy sniff sniff…
heheheheheh…
did u try any of these on the shapeshifters?
of course, it is mandotory no to leave any fingerprints on the packaging and its contents eh?
william - Are you actually saying that, you’re gonna ask that person (that you hate) out for a date? OMFG
souplad - Nope. I’m a very loving person and don’t have much grudge with the society.
din - Well, better be safe than sorry…
hahaha… that was good! one!
i’m praying really hard that my future boyfriend does not stumble upon this entry. imagine me getting the perfume. sheesh. thus, i’m taking a vow not to celebrate V-day.
tapi salute la, such brilliant ideas. if i’m a guy, i’ll obviously do at least of the above. haha~