You see, Emily has this big cow pillow, which I gave it to her eons ago way when we’re on our steady years. It’s supposed to be my double for her to hug when I’m not around.

But ever since we’ve been sleeping together, the cow has sort of became our virtual bed pet. At times of good, it’ll end up getting hugged, cuddled, slept on, etc. At times of bad, it’ll get it’s ass kicked to seek greener pastures on the cold hard floor, and sometimes, even became the speed bag of my kungfu punches. (yeah it’s kinda fun to beat up your wife’s/girlfriend’s soft toys… you guys should try it out…)

A couple weeks ago, that goddamn cow got lucky. It somehow ended up in my clutches when I was sleeping through the night. Coincidentally right at that very moment, Emily was getting out of bed for a night piss when she caught me doing this to the toy bovine :

Stroking the cow gently on its head, while wearing a wry grin on my face.

I have no idea if that really happened, but that’s what Emily claimed. The first thing that came into her mind? I was having an explicit/wet dream.

“You must be having a wet dream! HAHAHAHAHHHHH!”

Of course I vehemently denied that.

“Then why are you stroking the cow? Admit it lah! HAHAHHAHAHHHHH!”

Goddamn, if I had a wet dream, shouldn’t I be screwing the cow instead of stroking it’s head? Or perhaps licking it or something?

But no. Instead of that, a simple means of stroking-on-the-head would instigate her to conclude that I’m having an affair with an imaginary character, while remotely ‘molesting’ a fluffy cotton substitute in the form of a bovine to gratify my erotic fantasies… Riiiiiiiiight, that’s soooo rational.

“Then what are you dreaming about that you’ll have to stroke my cow like that? Hmmpffhhh” [She was stifling herself from laughing while asking that...]

I couldn’t answer her because I don’t fucking remember. Heck, I don’t even know if I’ve ACTUALLY stroked anything that night. Even if I did, it shouldn’t take a genius to guess from my simple acts, what I’m actually dreaming about:

1) I could be stroking the head of a kid? Not as a pedophile but as a caring brother? Just like how Jesus loved you miserable bastards out there? This dream might be divine in nature, not as obscene as you filthy people have imagined…

2) Or I could be stroking the head of an animal? A cat or a dog or something? Not as in the act of bestiality but as an animal lover? Like, I could be dreaming that I’m a hippie that smells flowers and loves everything that breathes? (except shapeshifters, of course)… How hard is it for you sane people to imagine that?

3) Or, if you’re imaginative enough, that act of stroking could actually be misconstrued from the act of kneading a dough to make bread? (not kneading tits, pardon me… coz I would have used both my hands). Now, that’s innocent enough…

So, dear, you’ll have to take my word for it. I wasn’t having a wet dream, nor did I molest your cow. I was just being a nice person in my dream… like I always am in reality…