Archive for February, 2006

February 28, 2006

Dear boss,

I’m sure you’re aware about the recent news of petrol price hike and increase of BLR.

I, hereby, would like to inform you that from today onwards, I’m gonna spend 4 – 6 more extra hours per week at the office and claim for that ‘inconvenience’.

Be it that I sit through that 4 hours shirking off, or working for the good of the company, it matters not. You just have to approve those extra allowances with no questions asked.

It is of utmost importance that you adopt an empathetic state of mind and be positively considerate, that despite I’m working my ass off 200% more than your most productive period anytime, my wage is still a few fucking hundred folds lower than your dental privilege and subsidized car loan.

With the exponentially increasing rate of inflation and cost of living in this less than developed country of ours’, like this, it is only a matter of time before our wage increment rate fail to catch up and hit the major deficit boner – which I vehemently think is happening right now (for my case).

Soon, I won’t be able to even afford a condom for a decent intention of family control… which in turn, will spawn more moolah-leeching brats and eventually die getting mobbed by my own kids for failing to provide an adequate parental support. And if I die, you’re gonna have to hire another asshole for the job which might not be as good as I am considering the fact that I have a 7 years experience in this organization on record.

And I also understand… about the budget restrictions you management folks have to stipulate – that the company shall prioritize the spending on fancier looking publicity than giving its employees a good round of increment, lest they’ll gloat, put on weight and be a fucking vegetable.. emulating the upper hierarchy of the management.

Hence, being a considerate and rational person, it would only be pragmatic for me to just merely claim for that afore said extra hours to cover the increased expenses. A little request for a bigger cause…

Your understanding will be greatly appreciated.

Yang Benar,
Michael Ooi (only 62% evil)

michaelooi  | imaginations  | 12 Comments
February 27, 2006

the stench of love

I was crudely awakened from my hibernation afternoon nap. Someone was poking me at my ribs. It was Emily.

“Dear, can you spend some time to accompany me? I can’t get myself to nap…”

“Ugghh.. leave me alone… go watch a TV or something…ZZZZ”

She went on pestering me with more pokes… and some light ticklish scrape of a fingernail on my face, neck, etc… in full hope of doing some injustices by waking me up to join her afternoon insomnia.

“Come on dear, you don’t want to sleep~~ You’ve been sleeping for hourssss. [poke poke]”

“[mumbles] ZZZZ…”

“[poke poke tickle] Wake up dear~~~ be a good boy”

“ARGHH! [wipe drools] What’s the matter with you?? Why can’t you just let me sleep a little longer??”

“You’ve been sleeping for 2 hours. You’d be sleepless tonight if you sleep any longer”

“Oh is it? Well, worry not… I won’t get sleepless. [pause a while]… ZZZ”

I fell into a deep slumber after that & she continued to badger me for another 5 minutes… before I finally responded.

BFFVVOOORRRRT. BRAAAAPPPP. FFFFFFFRRRRTTTT.

That was a hat trick fart, the final one exuded with a little hint of moist in it.

I don’t quite exactly remember how her response was, as I was groggy from the sleep. But I was positive that I heard some yelpings, gaspings and some incomprehensible squawkings. And that was it. I slept happily ever after till dinner time.

Looks like I’ve just discovered a new ability in me that pretty much functions like a skunk. It’s free, it’s organic and the most important of all, it works.

michaelooi  | 2-of-us  | 7 Comments
February 25, 2006

million dollar question

It was close to 5pm on Friday. Almost the entire office floor was deserted and I was the last few ones to leave. As I was lugging my notebook bag to bail the office, I stumbled into my colleague Asstee, who was on his way to do something unimportant, as usual.

“Leaving?”

He was attempting to start a conversation…

“No I am going to work.”

“Go fuck yourself lah.”

“So, you know that I was leaving… then why ask? You stupid or something?”

“Don’t be so cocky, ok? I was just asking”

“You could have asked something more intelligent”

“I didn’t know you were leaving. I didn’t see your bag…”

“You’re quite a dick huh? Trying to justify your boner?”

“That’s how it should be. One must at least try to bend something crooked back to straight”

“It’s not working. I still think you’re stupid”

And he indeed is. Like I said, he could have started off with something better. Like-

– “How are you?”
– “What’s your plan for the weekend?”
– “Can you fuck my girlfriend? She’s hot.”

But no. Instead of those, he chose to ask that million dollar question (seeing me with my bags and shits) – “Leaving?”.

And now you know why people hate me for the wrongest reason – to be too bluntly frank like that. Maybe I should just answer him with a fart next time to avoid any conflicts – as he’ll just leave upon catching that foul stench of my flatulence…

michaelooi  | dialogs  | 13 Comments
February 23, 2006

special ingredients

A colleague told me something shocking today – certain grade/types of perfume actually use a whale’s bladder (or something like that) as part of its ingredients to produce perfume. I was of course astounded! I mean.. like… PERFUME! How in the world would I imagine that the sweet smelling nectar that makes one feel so good… may contain a part of a dead animal that was once running (or in this case, swimming) and frigging like any of us warm blooded human being?? Not in my wildest dream!

Alright alright, I don’t actually wanna sound like I give a fuck about animals or whales. I don’t really care if it’s made of some tribal’s pubic hair either coz that’s just so transparent to me (it was just bizarre and as good as an entertaining fact… nothing more). But I did give a lengthy thought about it… how would those animal-lover fanatics and or die hard environmentalists take this… that they’re actually indirectly contributing to killings/poachings with every spray of a perfume? Kinda interesting isn’t it?

Well, these people can act like they’re a consummate bitch about everything regarding the welfare of animals, but do they actually scrutinize every conveniences that they use everyday to check if it’s ‘animal free’ or something like that? I don’t think so. They can’t be doing that for every fucking thing. Who knows your soap could be made of an elephant’s lard? Or your paint brush made of a swine’s bristles? You will never know. (I don’t know either).

A very good example would be that piece of news about McDonalds getting sued (again). Some hardcore vegans recently filed a lawsuit against the American fast food giant over some purported dairy ingredients in their fries. Like, after the ate so many hundreds of strips of good tasting fries, then to suddenly discover that they’ve been hurting them cows all along their each awakening minute! How ‘potong stim’ is that? It came as a shockingly horrifying discovery for them. So, they sued Mac to redeem their ‘loss’ and hoped hard that the cows would be resurrected back into this world by winning the lawsuit.

See the problem with these people? Why would they be eating inside McDonalds if they’re so anal about what they fucking eat everyday? How could a vegan expect a fast food restaurant – that sells burgersss – to serve something that’s ‘animal free’? That’s so fucking ridiculous and stupid.

And that’s just one example to be reckoned with. There are many more unknown ingredients out there in our consumer products that makes everything ‘animal free’ next to impossible.
– lipstick made of crushed bugs
– ‘herbal jellies’ made of turtle shells (instead of herbs)
– medicated plasters made of animal parts
etc etc

You get the idea.

Well the conclusion is, these ‘kind hearted’ people can label us as barbaric or cruel ass motherfuckers or anything they like. In reality, we all know that they’re not much different from us ‘bad’ people… as long as they keep spraying perfumes or apply that tested-on-animals lotion on their bums. (in fact, they’re more fucked up because they bitch about everything)

So to you environmentalist/animal-lover buffoons out there, shut up and get a fucking life.

Just feel like ranting today

related entry

michaelooi  | thoughts  | 14 Comments
February 21, 2006

mind porking

I like to write euphemistically. Especially stuffs concerning my workplace. It gets the message across and yet, manage to steer me clear of those liability shits. How nice.

For now, lets imagine that I am a pathologist instead of a double E engineer. I perform post mortem on corpses, determine the cause of their death, aid forensic investigations and shits like that. You get the idea

Today, as I was performing an autopsy on one of the corpses, a group of health officials paid me a surprise visit. Want to know more about my job, they said. And so, I gladly attended to their needs, just in case they needed someone to elaborate about the whole job scope. Then one of them pitched me a question :

“So, what do you people do around here?”

I paused for a while.

“We dig prehistoric animals from the ground”
[chuckles] “You’re kidding, right?”
“You’re in a pathology lab! What do you think that we do here??? We cut up corpses like YOU!!”

And I jammed the scalpel I was holding into that retard’s eye socket, spurting blood all over my white uniform. I then pinned him against the wall, cut open his abs and shoved an eggbeater into it, mixing his innards into a blend of confuckulated poop of organ mash.

I then shouted out to the rest of the terrified white collar motherfuckers “ANYMORE QUESTIONS?????”

Of course that rude and violent episode didn’t happen (How I wish it happened). I was just minding my own business when those contemptible jerks came into the lab. But hidden behind that indifference, I was productively imagining how to creatively torture the living shits out of them.

Man I so fucking loathe these corporate hicks that go around poking their noses into stuffs that have absolutely no relevance to their job scope. If they’re so fucking free, they should just organize a trip to a zoo or something. At least that could entertain some animals and yielded a cross-species harmony on this planet…

Fucking parasites.

michaelooi  | work shit  | 5 Comments