Archive for January, 2006

January 6, 2006

clogged

For the first time in my life, I finally experienced the tribulations of a constipation. For the past few days, I have been having difficulty to take a dump. Had to push very hard on the throne for 10 – 20 minutes before I could feel anything creeping out of my ass. That is, if there’s anything coming out at all. (It was a miracle that I didn’t suffer from a stroke trying to exert out my own shit)

And those that managed to make it out, were scrawny little piece about the size of a kindergarten crayon. That’s about as exciting as my morning could ever get.

My shit used to be as big as a barnyard animal… and this demotion of size really bothered me. I wonder what is happening here. Could this be due my diet change? [no, I didn’t change my diet nor ate anything exotic recently]. Could this be due to alcohol poisoning from the New Year eve drinking binge? [unlikely. In fact, alcohol actually makes me purge better]. Or could this be due to something in my chute that’s blocking all those goodness from seeing the daylight? Something like… piles?

*shock horror gasps* Oh no not piles!! I’ve heard so much about these nasty fuckers. They’re hemorrhoids that grow right out of your bunghole, and if they happen to catch an infection, you’re gonna experience labor pain (or something like that). Much of the stories were heard from my mom, and even my father had an infection himself before. Mom told me that his ass bled so severely after an operation, that he had to wear a sanitary pad to go around. It wasn’t an issue until my dad got himself involved in a bar-brawl… when he got over athletic biffing up some dude, his bloody pad actually parted into half (that was in the 70’s, probably pads weren’t that durable back then…).

I don’t know man, getting piles just isn’t an idea that I’m very fond of. It’s eating me out, and I don’t know if I’m harboring one right now in my ass. Though I haven’t experienced any pain nor felt any big hickeys jutting out from that bat cave, but the symptoms seem to conform the profile of a nasty piles in the making. Like, my shits are oozing out right now like squeezing a tube of toothpaste with a very small opening… it’s as if something is holding up the opening like a bottleneck. I can feel the pressure building up in my rectum each time I defecate. (hell, even my farts are skewed!)

It’s at times like this that you wish you’re a cyborg or some inorganic object like a dildo (yeah bebeh). We humans are too fragile and are too susceptible to biological fuck ups.

Now I’m gonna just monitor my ass if it’s going to clog any longer… *sigh*

michaelooi  | ramblings  | 19 Comments
January 5, 2006

mock a gork II

I’ve always felt uncomfortable socializing around those overly suave kind of guys. You know, those who would greet you like 50 thousand times a day at every encounter complete with bowing and all that? Imagining… an eccentric effeminate male that has a complete collection of every Barbie doll theme and affinity towards hard cylindrical objects.

Feels like punching them in the face.

And yes, I do have such a colleague in Company X. A smarmy motherfucking freak whom I loathed very much (let’s call him Glottis). Stands at about 5 feet, Glottis has a porcine face that only his own mother will love. Everyone else hates him. He talks like a wimp, and is overly too nice to everyone. I’m not insinuating that it’s a bad thing trying to be kind but when you unctuously over-do everything unnaturally, it becomes very annoying. (don’t worry about him being really nice. He’s actually an asshole that has a backstabbing history)

Like there’s once, Glottis stumbled into our group at the cafeteria, walked over and greeted “Hi Wilson, Hi Michael, Hi this, Hi that…” Hi-ed almost everyone in our group, gave out his trademark queer smile and returned back to his table. When he was about to eat his breakfast, he stood up again and looked across to our group and proclaimed to Wilson (who is one of my colleagues sitting at the edge of the table) that he’s gonna eat his breakfast… and then he bowed.

Like this – “Wilson, I’m going to eat my breakfast … you take care [bow]”. Or something like that. Totally bizarre. We actually teased Wilson the whole of that day… like “Wilson, I’m going to open the door”, “Wilson, I’m going to the toilet”, “Wilson, I’m walking on the floor right now”.

“Oh look at me I am so fucking nice to you and smart at the same time”

Hell. I’ve always wanted to yell at him to shut the fuck up and die. But of course, I can’t do that. I’m going to lose my job for gross misconduct (we’re all supposed to be disciplined people here). The most that I can do is to probably subtly chide him in a less threatening manner… and I was lucky enough to spot such an opportunity a few days ago when we were having a conversation about advertisements on TV

Colleague1 : “There are too much advertisements on those free channels”

Me : “That’s because they’re free ler. They’re earning from the ads.”

Colleague2 : “Astro is not free, but they still have advertisements.”

Me : “Some of the channels are actually free. Like AXN and Starworld. Astro just streams them along in their package.”

That was when Glottis chips in, probably wanted to get noticed and feel important.

Glottis : “What about those pay-per-view channels? They’re free, right? They don’t have advertisements.”

I don’t know what he was trying to say but, whatever it was, it didn’t sound right.

Me : “It’s pay-per-view. PAY. You pay. It’s not free, you dolt. What the hell is wrong with you?”

And I think I embellished that castigation with a couple more profanities and we all laughed at him. I guess he was kinda mortified because he got really quiet and left the group briefly after that. Haven’t seen him since that day… probably did some good to the world by killing himself.

It feels really nice being a jerk sometimes.

michaelooi  | characters  | 6 Comments
January 3, 2006

the global warming menace

I’m sure you people know what’s “global warming” all about. In case you don’t, well… you ought to be hung with your own intestines and stoned to death for being such an ignorant piece of shit.

Global warming is about excessive greenhouse gases (like CO2, methane) in our atmosphere that cause the increase of temperature leading to climate change on this planet. This in turn, causes the icebergs at the poles to melt and the sea level to rise. If this “global warming” shit were to continue till all the goddamn icebergs are completely melted, in no time, we’re all going to drown inside our own homes and the fishes will take over the planet. (Google for “greenhouse effect”)

It’s not a good thing when your sushis rule over your own planet.

Now, how does this greenhouse gases came about to be that much in our atmosphere? Where did it come from?

Everywhere.

– fumes emitted from motorized vehicles and open burning (incl smoking)
– excessive clearing of forests/jungles
– farts emitted from 6 over billion (and increasing) asses on this planet
– farts emitted from the rest of the animals’ asses (thank god they’re on the decreasing trend, as we’re eating them out)
– hairsprays for every single shapeshifters’ cauliflower hairdos on the face of Earth (that’s like… a lottttt of them)
– anything

So, you may actually ask, how good are we doing now in preventing this “global warming” from happening? How much ice has melted at the poles and when are we going to expect them fishes to rule our world? Frankly speaking, I have no idea… until I caught something off Nat-Geo on TV the other day.

Apparently, the sea ice (where heaps of those cute polar bears used to hang out…) at Arctic had shrunken to the size of a really big tomato (I don’t know) and those polar bears now have to swim across a length of sea just to get a pack of cigarettes. As a result of that, several of those lame ass polar bears drowned, and now, some environmental activists are currently suing the US Government (Bush administration) for failing to declare polar bears as “endangered species”.

I don’t know how this could help the polar bears to improve their swimming skills but, I wager that this must be super important and necessary. Like, polar bears are so cute! Such cute animal deserves no fate like drowning themselves up over a trip for some grocery shopping! This is injustice! Man… they could have legalized firearms, bombs, reefers and oh many others that could have lead to millions of human deaths… but, being delinquent about getting polar bears an “endangered species” title is simply… TOO IGNORANT and UNACCEPTABLE!

I certainly hope that the activists’ courses will prevail and save the polar bears from drowning! In the meanwhile, I’ll also encourage you people out there to do your bit to save the polar bears…

– please refrain yourself from eating broccoli and baked beans, and fart less. Should you ever need to fart, please trap your noxious gas inside a plastic bag and let your pet dog inhale it instead of letting it out to the atmosphere. Then you can kill that dog and have another new dog (you can always have another dog, but not a polar bear. Think about it)

– walk more, drive less. Never mind about the risks of getting mugged by thugs or attacked by stray animals. At least when you’re lying comatosed in the hospital ward, you know that you’ve done your tad bit to save some polar bears. It’s a good thing.

– use less aerosol products. Like, those shapeshifters can always replace hairsprays with eggs or cums as their styling agent. Though they may smell funny at times but hey, you’re fucking saving a couple of polar bears here! That’s an exiguous price to pay for a much noble cause.

– eat more animals (all of them except polar bears). As we all know, mammals breathe in oxygen and exhales CO2. If you eat more animals, you’re gonna practically reduce the amount of CO2 released into the atmosphere. This in turn, will also reduce crop-agricultural activities and indirectly reduces the number of forests being cleared. That’s like, a stone that kills 2 birds (but not polar bears).

– Practice celibacy. I mean, you can still have sex, no shit… but do it safely and responsibly. Use biodegradable condoms (eat them after sex). Have less children. Increasing human population is a bane for this dying planet. If you must have children, educate him/her properly about “global warming” and polar bears. Or alternately, you may choose to kill yourself (in an environmentally friendly way).

– many more (I’d be writing a goddamn book if this entry gets any longer)

So, people… be considerate. Preserve the environment. Save a polar bear today.

michaelooi  | satirical shit  | 12 Comments
January 2, 2006

lady boss advice

I was reading some emails when the corner of my eyes caught someone standing at my apartment doorstep. It was Emily, home from work, flashing me this scintillating megawatt smile. Almost immediately, I knew something was wrong.

“What’s wrong? What happened?”

She didn’t say a thing, but gave me a wider smile.

“Oh…no… something happened to Lorraine??”

Smiling stops. I was right.

You see, I didn’t go to work that day and hence, I was unable to carpool with her to work. That was why Emily’s driving my Lorraine for that day, while I proclaim myself clinically dead for half the planet revolution from partying too hard the day before (and no, it wasn’t even the New Year’s eve…)

That news was shocking enough to wake me up from that feeble state. ‘What a fucking way to end 2005′ I thought. And before I could even get myself to ask more questions, Emily went on detailing the damage of the car to me – A detached alphabet on my car registration plate. Odd but, that’s the only damage Lorraine sustained.

Apparently, it happened when Emily accidentally released the brake pedal too soon at a stop junction, and scooted the car forward to kiss the vehicle in front. Since there wasn’t any damage to the other run-down Kia either, both parties cooled it off without any settlement (there’s nothing to settle).

But Emily, fearing that I might go apeshit about this accident thing, got really miserable and started consulting around for advice. That was when her lady boss, taught her about the art of “keeping-secrets-from-your-husband”. To get the car fixed as soon as possible, and tell me nothing about it. Her lady boss has been following this same old formula all her married life – wreck the husband’s car, got it fixed, and kept it out of his knowledge – and it always worked for her. (I hope her husband reads this entry…)

Well, thinking that it’s probably a good idea, Emily followed her advice and got a colleague to help fabricate a new registration plate for my car. But that colleague, warned Emily that the consequences could be even more dire if I found out about the accident by myself. The brand new sparkling registration plate would stick out like a sore thumb and it would be easy for someone as awesome as me to spot it.

That’s why Emily chose to tell me in the end. And I was glad she did, as I couldn’t have spotted the difference between my old versus new plate (as I later found out).
But I was even more glad, that her lady boss didn’t actually teach her to sell the goddamn car to some thugs, keep the money and claim that it was stolen at the workplace car park.

Goddamn!

michaelooi  | 2-of-us  | 7 Comments