Archive for January, 2006

January 16, 2006

feed a cat

A stray female cat came along when we’re having our lunch at some remote place today. The cat approached my boss and gave him this sad look, as if it was trying to tell him that it wanted something.

Now, such simple animal like a cat, would only be needing 2 things at any point of its life.

1) sex
2) food

From the way my boss looked, I don’t think the cat wanted to have sex with him. So, it should be the latter. The darn cat was begging for food.

Being a nice guy, my boss took a piece of fried fish and put it in front right between its frontal paws. Cat sniffed it for a while, and looked up at my boss. “Perhaps the cat doesn’t like its fish fried”, so my boss dumped it a steamed fish instead. Same thing happened. The cat sniffed it for a while, derisively gazed back and turned away to approach another colleague of mine.

This colleague, also a nice guy, dumped the cat some ‘kungpao eel’. Now if you don’t know what’s a ‘kungpao eel’, that’s some good shit people would pay money to have a bite. But the cat? Wouldn’t even touch it.

“The cat even has the audacity to be picky!” exclaimed my colleague.

I don’t know what’s wrong with the cat. In the good old days, stray animals hunt for their own food. They would never beg for it. Even if they do, they’d just devour anything we throw at them. Vegetables, bones, stale rice… anything.

But modern animals are so spoilt nowadays, that they’ll only eat what they want. Not what they need. The animals are evolving into a miniscule version of ourselves to complement the deviated world. I see the cat as a perfect projection of us modern humans. We do not appreciate favors and kindness like how we used to anymore… but rather, taking it for granted as a necessity instead. And when we fail to obtain that ‘necessity’, we’ll sulk and we’ll reprimand, totally lost in our mind overlooking the benevolence that has been bestowed upon us.

Perhaps this is about how we’re being brought up to survive in the avalanche of modernism. Survival to be the fittest. We gloat over our gain… and thirst for more without ever looking back on what we’ve left behind. And along the raucous chase for the glorious dreams, all that has been obtained will eventually fall off and ‘remorse’ will be our only friend left…

Perhaps… it might not be that complex for the darn cat. Simply maybe, it’s actually asking for a cigarette. I don’t know. What I knew at that moment was, somebody needed to reflect this to the cat that it’s wrong. That was why, I walked over to the sick animal and gave it a kick in the ass, which sent it flying through a thicket of thorny bush and into a river full of mud.

Alright, I was just kidding. I didn’t kick the cat. I just looked at it scornfully and was close to giving it a brain damage. Their contemptuous behavior utterly disgusts me. That’s why, I would never feed those ungrateful motherfucking critters.

You want something to eat? Go hunt some wild chickens or sewer rats yourself. Feeding your lazy ass is not my obligation.

*If you think this post is boring, go feed a cat.

michaelooi  | thoughts  | 16 Comments
January 13, 2006

exotic names III

I got bored today and browsed the corporate directory (again) to look for more funny ‘Christian’ names of our China counterparts. Sure enough, I noticed some new exotic names… Here are what I managed to record down for our twisted gratification (I replaced all the surnames with ‘Zhao’ to preserve the anonymity of the respective individuals)

Jeans Zhao –> She has a sister named Sarong.

Koma Zhao –> I bet that isn’t a very auspicious name to greet during Chinese New Year…

Jercky Zhao –> People would just refer this person as “Jerk” in short…

Kiwi Zhao –> Kiwi the bird or the fruit? How would you like to have a spouse with a name like this?

Sinbad Zhao –> That’s just great. We have a Persian myth character working here with us…

Volcano Zhao –> And you just need to stroke it vigorously to erupt the white lava…

Sailing Zhao –> What the fuck… these people are now naming themselves after their hobbies.

Cincia Zhao –> I somehow think this name is misspelled from the word Cincai.

Sugar Zhao –> Why not Monosodium Glutamate? Sounds more complicated that way…

Hacker Zhao –> He’d never be promoted as an IT manager in his life.

Arrow Zhao –> I have no comment about this name. It’s downright absurd.

Spirit Zhao –> And he thinks he’s invisible

Ripple Zhao –> Ripple on the placid water surface? An indirect insinuation that he’s a trouble maker?

Fude Zhao –> Sounds like some adjective to describe a bunch of retarded Chinese ed college girls.

Loudy Zhao –> Not welcomed in libraries and hospitals.

Fabrice Zhao –> A type of laundry detergent?

Isable Zhao –> Has a cousin called “Unable”

more weird/exotic Christian names:
Urbane, Sampoll, Schon, Choice, Eros, Gipsy, Cissy, Nieo, Stacks, Ultrasb, Ombelle, Grissom, Terdy, Binlet, Diamond, Fishzl (how do you even pronounce this???), Knox, Loading, Power

These people, they really have no clue… *shakes head in disbelief*

michaelooi  | what I saw  | 40 Comments
January 12, 2006

couldn’t be bothered

You see, there is this electronically locked door that leads into my office. Every time an employee intends to access the office, he/she will have to scan it open using their electronic badge. I presume that it is there to keep out non-employees or unauthorized bums from entering the office unnecessarily.

But then, as always, such shallow measure is usually not as effective as the authority expected. Most of the time, these ‘outsiders’ would just wait around for someone with access to unlock the door, and they’ll just tag along to get into the office. It has always been like this and most employees don’t really give a damn about it.

This was exactly what happened yesterday. Encountered 2 Indian chicks waiting around by that door when I was returning from my coffee break. Like what I always do, I ignored them and scanned my badge against the scanner. Once the door was unlocked, I swung it wide open… so that it would not close too soon and lock those Indian girls out again (I’m a nice guy).

But just as the door swiveled to its furthest reach, I suddenly heard a loud yelp, suffixed with someone yelling “AMMAAA!!!!” (that’s “MOTHER!!!!” in Tamil). It was one of the Indian girls. Apparently, she was standing right behind the door when I swung it open, and it wedged her flat onto the wall like a steamrolled cicak.

I initially wanted to apologize, but changed my mind after a short while’s worth of consideration.

1) I was afraid that I’m gonna burst out laughing at her face instead of apologizing
2) She was too stupid to deserve an apology for standing behind an opening door
3) She was trying to enter my office illegally anyway.

I then decided that I couldn’t be bothered and walked back to my desk chuckling to myself.

michaelooi  | happenings  | 13 Comments
January 10, 2006

signs


For don’t know how many thousand fucketh times, my pair of shorts is split right beneath the ball region again. I think my ball-skin is either too rough or abrasive. It’s eating away my expensive pants and shorts like a hungry termite. Cheebye.

Any skin specialist out there? Do I need to apply lotion on my bollocks to smoothen it or something? Masque on my balls? SK-II? Sandpaper?

[The signs are eminent. I’m getting old. First the constipation and now corrosive balls… sheesh… I wonder what next, grey pubic hairs?]

michaelooi  | rantings  | 22 Comments
January 9, 2006

telling the truth

I accompanied Emily to the blood lab last week for her routine checkup. Having been there for countless of times, I sort of knew the familiar faces around that area. Amongst the bunch of staffs there, was this good looking receptionist whom I’ve always commended as “the cute looking girl at the blood lab”. Never attempted to chat her up before, and she has always been my sole source of ogling entertainment at that boring place…

For the past couple of visits, I noticed that she wasn’t at her usual front line post no more. Probably quit the job – I thought. But she was there again last week, but was looking very much different from her original looks. Gone were the curly locks and that effervescent glint in her eyes. She now sported a boring shoulder length straights and a bland face as if she had taken a tub bath in formaldehyde.

Me : “Oh my god, look at my favorite girl. She looks terrible. What do you think happened to her?”

Emily : “I don’t know… but she does indeed look terrible”

Me : “Mannnn, she used to look so nice… it’s really scary how much a person’s look could change in a short period of time…”

Emily : “…”

Me : “What a waste man, a total waste”

I was a bit drifted right there…

Emily : “Hey! What’s with you ogling at pretty girls haa??”

Me : “You don’t understand dear…”

Emily : “What?”

Me : “I am actually doing these girls a favor here. Like, they’ve invested so much money to get their hair done, their nice clothes on and all that make up? It’s all to beckon for some attention, dear. I’m just making their spent money worth. It’s a good thing…”

Emily : [opens mouth and … BLASSSSSSTTT!!]

Damn, I was just telling the truth!

michaelooi  | 2-of-us  | 10 Comments