Archive for January, 2006

January 24, 2006

Elliot the idiot

You’re trapped inside an elevator. What’s the first thing that comes to your mind at situations like this?

a) press the emergency bell to speak to the operator
b) scream like you’re going to die
c) rub your cellphone vigorously to start a fire, burn the elevator down, and hopefully, escape.
d) call up Telekom.

Elliot thinks it’s D. And he’s supposed to be an engineer…

I weep for you, my nation… for you’re never gonna fucking achieve that vision 2020 with doofuses like Elliot around…

michaelooi  | characters  | 16 Comments
January 23, 2006

‘the ten virtues’

I was attending a good friend’s registration of marriage last weekend at ‘Penang Moral Uplifting Society’, when something on display there beckoned for my attention. It was stone slab with a catchy title – ‘The Ten Virtues’.

The ten virtues that make up a good person I suppose… which, kinda makes myself ponder, how do I fare when it comes to the question “Am I a good person?”.

Well, according to the poll I’ve conducted in my own blog, I’m 62% evil… that means, I could be anything, BUT A GOOD PERSON. But hell, that’s just some biased opinion based on what I blog here everyday. And those who polled against me? They’re not any less twisted than I am (hahhhh fuck you).

Anyway, here are the ten virtues that make up a REAL good person. Just thought of sharing it…

*****

1) Filial Piety
The first virtue is filial piety. The bounties bestowed by parents are as great as the mountain. We should be mindful of their well being constantly. And the most important thing of all is to make them happy.

My mom once said to me “I’d rather give birth to a pack of cigarettes than you!”… but I know she didn’t mean it. I was ridiculing her awkward dress (I think) and she said that out of compulsion. Most of the time, she’s happy with me (yeah, I’m positive about that)
My father, well… he’s thrilled to have a son like me so, there’s no question about it.
Verdict: I passed this one.

2) Brotherly Love
The second virtue is brotherly love. Brothers and sisters should live in harmony. They should always consult and encourage each other. We must treat our friends and relatives like our own brothers.

Well, I don’t have a brother. But I have a very wicked sister. Though she’s as wicked as a hyena, I’ve never really physically harmed her – which would be the most logical thing to do. I guess I’m just too kind to do that kind of sick stuff. On top of that, I treat all my friends as my surrogate brothers.
Verdict: I passed again.

3) Loyalty
The third virtue is loyalty. Love our people and country. Be conscientious in performing our duties and contribute to the building of a strong and prosperous nation.

I love my country, despite of its abundance of assholes and potholes. I’m attentive to my duties as an engineer and I only shirked 10 – 15% of my time to surf the internet – which is acceptable because it conforms virtue number 10 (see below).
Verdict: No sweat, passed.

4) Sincerity
The fourth virtue is sincerity. Be sincere in our dealing with others. Always keep our promises. A promise is worth a thousand pieces of gold.

When I said “You fucking kidding me?? that’s expensive”, I did it with full sincerity. It’s always from the bottom of my scrotum (hey, that’s deeper than the heart).
I’ve promised my mom many times not to end up in jail. I’m still keeping that promise intact by staying out of it.
Verdict: I’m sure good for this one too.

5) Courtesy
The fifth virtue is courtesy. Protecting the young and respecting the elder with the expression of courtesy. Be humble and respectful. Courtesy will please everybody.

Although I can be foul mouthed at times (note: at times), I’m usually courteous to old people. Well, except when I’m behind the steering wheel… which I’ll loathe them like how rats loathed arsenic. Man, they can be so fucked up and … nevermind. But hey, when I cuss inside my own car, they can’t hear me… which kinda nulls my evil deed… so, I’m still good!
Verdict: I’M STILL GOOD!

6) Justice
The sixth virtue is justice. Fairness and unselfishness are important. Help those in need; be generous in charity. Do not be arrogant; do not flatter those with authority; be committed to the truth.

What the fuck?? Do I look like friggin lawyer here?? Alright, maybe justice is not really the right word.. but still, I conform to the attributes mentioned. Unselfish, generous in charity, bla bla bla. Most of all, I squawk at my own boss… let alone to flatter that bastard! (I guess that’s why my promotion’s tardy…)
Verdict: I’m more than 50% good now. Fuck 62% evil.

7) Honesty
The seventh virtue is honesty. Everyone should kept his heart pure, untarnished by material desire. Lead a pure and simple life. Be satisfied with what we have and be happy as who we are.

I’m leading a simple life and am happy with who I am. (leading a simple life because I ain’t getting any promotion for 2 goddamn years and am happy with who I am because I’ve got no choice about that). The difficult part is “untarnished by material desire” – Man, I’ve always wanted a complete ICE (In Car Entertainment) makeover in my Lorraine… If someone were to tempt me a full sponsor with condition that I moon my ass in public, I’m gonna probably go for it. But until that happens, I’M STILL GOOD!
Verdict: I’ve surpassed an average person’s level of benevolence. I’m roughly as likeable as a teddy bear now.

8) Sense of shame
The eighth virtue is sense of shame. Do not be tempted by wealth and sex. Understand what is right and what is wrong. We should will never feel ashamed to amend our mistakes.

Alright, this is difficult. I have to admit, that I’m always tempted by wealth and sex. I also understand what is right and wrong, well…most of the time anyway (like deciding whether to crash on the street to risk being mugged by thugs or to DUI dangerously back home for a good night sleep…) And I…. HEYYYYYY What the hell is this all about?? First it says that we must have the sense of shame… and the final sentence says we should “never feel ashamed to AMEND” our mistakes???
That’s a fucking contradicting statement man! (I think it should be “admit” instead of “amend”. Coz if there was to be any means a person can “amend” his/her mistakes, it would be corruption. That’s evil.)
Verdict: I admitted my mistakes (tempted by wealth and sex), therefore, I fulfilled this virtue. I’m every housewives’ dream son-in-law…

9) Humanity
The ninth virtue is humanity. Respect the elders and be generous to the poor. Treasure the miracle of nature and always follow the path of humanity. Benevolence and universal love will always benefit the people.

Hey! Humanity’s my word! I’ve never killed any living organism in my life except for a few million mosquitoes, ants, roaches, gnats, spermatozoa, flies… (alright, maybe ‘any living organism’ isn’t the right phrase.) Let me rephrase: I’ve never killed anything larger than a rat! (that’s more like it). And on top of that, I’ve probably even saved some polar bears! Not many people can save a polar bear…
Verdict: I’m good for this one too! The polar bears should idolize me as their brother now. Every polar bear cubs wants to be like me when they grow up. I’m roughly as likeable as an unagi eel at a Japanese restaurant now…

10) Wisdom
The tenth virtue is wisdom. Be aware to the current affairs endeavour to enrich your knowledge. Differentiate between good and evil. Preach our doctrine to the people for peace in this world.

I read books occasionally. Most of the time, I surf the internet. But however, during the intense absorption of knowledge, I have little time to differentiate between good and evil. Hell, no knowledge is bad knowledge. I’ll just suck everything up bebeh. (and I preach too, it takes another person with this virtue to figure out how I did it).
Verdict: I’m perfect YEAH!
*****

What do you people know? I’m a good guy afterall…

michaelooi  | satirical shit  | 13 Comments
January 20, 2006

ground breaking

A couple of ground breaking business proposals that my colleagues and I came up during our tea break yesterday

Super awesome petrol station.
Concept is to set up a superlative premise that stands out from the rest of the conventional boring petrol stations. How? By hiring scantily clad bombshells (eg. Hooter waitresses) as petrol pump attendants. A customer just need to shove their vehicle into a designated lot, sit back and enjoy the view of those bimbos doing their job:

– pump fuel
Pump attendant shall stoop down with a loose blouse. This will maximize the sales as pervert customers will fill up their tanks full each time they refuel (full tank = gets to ogle the downblouse longer…)

– clean windscreen.
Instead of using a window cleaner or a sponge stick, we’re gonna attach 2 pieces of chamois cloth onto the bust of the pump attendant. Then, the pump attendant shall spread up onto the screen with her tits (patched with chamois) and gliiiiiiiiiide around… to wipe the screen clean.

– sales of other miscellaneous items/service
With scantily clad babes as our front line army, we can basically sell anything to any guy. Cigarettes, condoms, car accessories, you name it. And perhaps if we want to be more creative, maybe some kinky services as well… 5 bucks per close view of the sexy petrol attendant’s armpit… 10 bucks to lick it (we’ll make sure it smells and taste good)… something like that.

It’s going to be a hit. No shit.

The neighborhood friendly pub
Each time we think of going to pubs, we always think of negative stuffs like traffic jam, lack of parking space and how to get home safely (DUI, roadblocks, etc). So, you’re likely gonna end up worrying about more stuffs instead… which totally waives the original idea of going out to romp ourselves out.

That prompted us to come up with the idea of wiping those worries off our future clients’ minds. We shall adopt the old-school idea of providing shuttle services to the pub customers. How? Just set up a hotline and coordinate. All a customer has to do is to make a reservation through the hotline and a shuttle will be sent to pick up that customer (and all his/her cronies) at a designated meeting area … say, an LRT station or perhaps a popular mall? Hell yeah, how convenient.

And when the customers are done with their partying, there would be a return shuttle service to send them home too. One of my colleagues asked if it’s going to be a problem cleaning up pukes of drunk customers on the bus…
Well, worry not. The seat will come pre-installed with a retractable bucket that connects to a bigass tank underneath the bus. All a drunk passenger gotta do is to flip out the bucket and york their innards all they want. Their pukes will end up inside that tank without any mess.

(the cumulative puke inside the tank can then be recycled by selling them off as agricultural organic feeds for pig farmers…)

This way, the pub goers won’t have to worry about their safety, parking, traffic jam or losing their fucking license to our ever efficient law enforcement officers.

*****

You heard it from me first.

michaelooi  | enlightenments  | 13 Comments
January 18, 2006

what’s right?

Sometimes, it’s really shocking to know what a fellow human would do to another just to satisfy his twisted urge to shove his penis into something. These people, who couldn’t think right with their utterly fucked up mind, would go around raping somebody’s daughter, spouse, sibling… and sometimes, kill them… breaking families apart… affecting countless of lives. Then they’re gonna eventually end up getting caught, go through a series of trial and finally requited by serving some period of jail term coupled with some badass whipping. That’s it. Justice, ‘served’.

Whipping? Jail term? Have we really asked ourselves, are these enough to alleviate the destruction and defilement that have been caused by these social outcasts? Why are these people only allowed to spend the rest of his life DOING NOTHING inside a locked up area for committing such a heinous crime? Why has it got to be so easy on them, while millions of other innocent people have to go through hell due to political sanctions… wars… and geographical disasters?

Well, if you’ve been studying, you’ll know that this is all about human rights. These goddamn motherfuckers, they claimed, have their rights to claim trial. Yes, ironically, these monsters who violated their other’s rights with rape and murder, would still have their rights protected till the very last of their breath. Human rights my ass.

That’s the ugly part of growing up. We get to learn things that don’t seem to conform to the reasonings and virtues that we’ve been taught as a kid. “You steal an apple, you pay for it”. But that is never true with today’s world. I see terrorists getting executed with painless injections, while heaps of people are screaming a slow torturous death everyday being eaten away by cancer…

I don’t fucking think that’s balanced.

I’d say, screw human rights for these rapists and murderers. These motherfuckers deserve no human rights. They deserve the worst of what any person has to go through…

eg
– Use them as guinea pigs to understand more about cancer. We inject stuffs on them, beam radioactive rays at them, etc to induce cancer and learn from the findings to benefit the public. And after these ‘human guinea pigs’ got themselves some cancer, we use them as a source to develop for cures. (some of these murderers are gonna die anyway, why not retribute those sins before they die by aiding a cancer research?)

– We can also send these oxygen-wasters to places like Cambodia to disarm landmines with their dicks. I’m very sure we have enough of these abominable fuckers to be blown up to disarm all the landmines in Cambodia. And if you’re worrying about the heaps of their dead body parts to be disposed later, well, we can always grind them to smaller pieces to start a shrimp farm. And then we can use these shrimps to feed endangered sea mammals…

– Or simply, just arm the family members of the murder/rape victims with some light blunt weapons… and leave them together with the rapist/murderer (bound and gagged) inside a locked room…

Something like that.

So, people, what do you think? If you were to be given the authority to decide, arbitrarily, the punishment of someone who had just committed a cold blooded crime – rape and murder – what do you think should be the best retribution for that motherfucker?

michaelooi  | thoughts  | 31 Comments
January 17, 2006

spot the hot

Me : “That girl is sure hot”

John : “Which one of them?”

Me : “Man! What the fuck is wrong with you????”

*It takes approximately an IQ level of a sack of potatoes to fully comprehend the short entry above.

michaelooi  | dialogs  | 14 Comments