January 6, 2006

clogged

For the first time in my life, I finally experienced the tribulations of a constipation. For the past few days, I have been having difficulty to take a dump. Had to push very hard on the throne for 10 – 20 minutes before I could feel anything creeping out of my ass. That is, if there’s anything coming out at all. (It was a miracle that I didn’t suffer from a stroke trying to exert out my own shit)

And those that managed to make it out, were scrawny little piece about the size of a kindergarten crayon. That’s about as exciting as my morning could ever get.

My shit used to be as big as a barnyard animal… and this demotion of size really bothered me. I wonder what is happening here. Could this be due my diet change? [no, I didn’t change my diet nor ate anything exotic recently]. Could this be due to alcohol poisoning from the New Year eve drinking binge? [unlikely. In fact, alcohol actually makes me purge better]. Or could this be due to something in my chute that’s blocking all those goodness from seeing the daylight? Something like… piles?

*shock horror gasps* Oh no not piles!! I’ve heard so much about these nasty fuckers. They’re hemorrhoids that grow right out of your bunghole, and if they happen to catch an infection, you’re gonna experience labor pain (or something like that). Much of the stories were heard from my mom, and even my father had an infection himself before. Mom told me that his ass bled so severely after an operation, that he had to wear a sanitary pad to go around. It wasn’t an issue until my dad got himself involved in a bar-brawl… when he got over athletic biffing up some dude, his bloody pad actually parted into half (that was in the 70’s, probably pads weren’t that durable back then…).

I don’t know man, getting piles just isn’t an idea that I’m very fond of. It’s eating me out, and I don’t know if I’m harboring one right now in my ass. Though I haven’t experienced any pain nor felt any big hickeys jutting out from that bat cave, but the symptoms seem to conform the profile of a nasty piles in the making. Like, my shits are oozing out right now like squeezing a tube of toothpaste with a very small opening… it’s as if something is holding up the opening like a bottleneck. I can feel the pressure building up in my rectum each time I defecate. (hell, even my farts are skewed!)

It’s at times like this that you wish you’re a cyborg or some inorganic object like a dildo (yeah bebeh). We humans are too fragile and are too susceptible to biological fuck ups.

Now I’m gonna just monitor my ass if it’s going to clog any longer… *sigh*

michaelooi  | ramblings  | 

19 Comments to “clogged”

  1. souplad says:

    miserable pieces of crayons.. haha

    are u bullshiting… pads? lol

    Gota drink more

    ………. water, of course.

    Else, try taking excess Vit C… its a mild laxative.

    if all fails, go caesarean…. go for an operation to widen ya bunghole… aiks

  2. michaelooi says:

    i think my shits are coming out sideways… that’s why…

  3. Eat some bananas and high fibre cereals. I think that would help.

  4. didi says:

    terus take laxative lar!…
    once and for all can clear all your toxic! haha
    seriously lar…i’ve read that there’s a special sitting position which can help u pass motion easily…
    try sitting out a bit n lean to da front …
    good luck!

  5. mahagurusia says:

    Eat more fiber, drink more water and take more fruits (not those forbidden ones)

    If it is a toughie, try taking laxatives, senokot or forlax. If all fail fleet enema it! Fast hand reflex is required!!

    Otherwise do sports, brisk walk or jogging. Yup, I read your mind michael, humping is the way to go but I do not how it will help with getting crayons out of your system. Good luck. :)

  6. jogie says:

    I have a RM85 box of answer to your problems. Taste good, works extremely well, natural fibres. email me for samples. +)

  7. star says:

    Oh dear god. I came here and the first entry that I read off your blog is the ex-gf fart. And the second link I clicked was to read about constipation. Woo. Is it just me, or is there lots of people with these problem these days? (i have a bad digestion problem)

  8. kk says:

    If you are like most folks, you have had at least one bout of constipation in a month. Nothing to worry! It is just an amiss shit in the system of bowel regularity. But if you are singing alout while doing your bowel job yet your stools are still the same as those fucking crayon persisting for many days, then you genuinely have a problem of colon disorder. Go fill up on fiber and water for few day! Papaya and kin chiow do also help.

  9. Primrose says:

    I so can understd how you feel. Neh, use the enema pump lar, like me. Hehe! Mmmmk! Mmmmmk!

  10. michaelooi says:

    shouldn’t i feel lucky that nobody actually suggested to shove an eggbeater up my ass?

  11. evil_gal says:

    I’m having the same problem lately… :|

  12. ShaolinTiger says:

    Bend over, I’ll shove something up there for you ;)

  13. Vincent says:

    Tried calling the plumber?

  14. Primrose says:

    Weh, how about eating soaps to loosen your bowel a bit… heh, heh!

  15. oliviasy says:

    u need more fibre dude. mebbe ask doc squirt sum stuff up your ass to help u pass motion :P

  16. ck says:

    a friggin 3000 word essay on piles.

    wow. respeck.

    and the guy’s man enough to mention a blocked arse, a dildo and the ubiquitious yeah bebeh all in the same sentence…

    this can only happen on MO.net.
    you go, girlfriend!

  17. michaelooi says:

    evil gal – An eggbeater ought to solve your problem.

    ST – I always knew that you have that small factor of gheyness in you… sorry dude, I’m straight.

    vincent – If the plumbers are made of college girls with awesome titties, ass and legs, I might call them.

    primrose – Heyy…didn’t I suggest that to you when you’re blocked? You’re stealing my idea…

    oliviasy – Doc squirt some stuff up my ass? You’e becoming more and more obscene, hamster…

    ck – Yeah bebeh.

    Update: My clogged ass mysteriously convalesced a couple days ago. Almost pass out from the excessive exposure to the pungent odor of the putrefying shits jettisoned from my clogged ass… Words cannot describe how nice the feeling was after purging those nasty stale shits… ahhhhhhhhhhh.

  18. oliviasy says:

    docs hv sum stuff to squirt up the ass to help constipation lar. betul punya…

  19. Danny says:

    Hey for the quickest constipation relief is a glycerin suppository. I have had to take them several times on trips, they work fast are predictble and wont screwup your digestine track. I know guys that take them..but not a commonly discussed topic…just have to handle the silver bullets goig up you for 5 to 10 minutes.

The commenting function has been closed.