Say, you’re dicking some dogs and just about when you’re losing the mood to even breathe, your stomach’s hungry. Usually, it shouldn’t be a problem for you since you can just excavate something off the heaps of junks inside your refrigerator… But because it’s Chinese New Year, you’re basically out of every instant food you can find.

That’s what happened to me. I was hungry and couldn’t find anything instant that I can eat. That was when I figured that I have no choice but to cook myself… some spaghetti. FAST. Gotta make it in 20 minutes, else I’m gonna fucking die out of starvation. And I did it with no sweat.

Since this is a feat that not many guys can achieve in his lifetime, I decided to do some good for you lazy bastards out there. I’m gonna share this milennium long secret of how to prepare an adequately filling plate of spaghetti in less than 20 minutes. Here it is, you’re welcome:

Step 1: Boil up a pot of water. Once boiled, dump in a handful of spaghetti. (doesn’t matter how much, just use your gut feel).

Step 2: Open up a jar of those ready made spaghetti sauce (you can get those off hypermarts or something). Pour it into a bowl. Now, get yourself a few sausages, or ‘bak kua’, then cut them up with a scissor into the sauce. Microwave the whole caboodle of it.

Step 3: While waiting for the spaghetti to cook itself out, go grab a beer and watch some tv. Return 15 minutes later.

Step 4: Sift off excess water from spaghetti and pour the sauce all over it.

Step 5: Eat. Belch. Fart.

It’s fast, it’s badass, it’s awesome. (who needs a cookbook?)

Emily: “I had a terrible dream last night, dear”

Me: “Oh tell me about it”

Emily: “I dreamt that both of us died and were resurrected as vampires”

Me: “Vampires! That’s cool! So did we have those awesome looking vampire robes on?”

I was envisioning myself sporting an ancient Chinese vampire robe, which was very common back in the 80’s Hong Kong flicks. I remembered I was so mesmerized by the frightening aura of a Chinese hopping vampire… that I actually aspired to become one of them one day, you know, jumping around the city sucking out blood from the innocents. It’s uber cool for a kid’s standard to be able to do those unrestrained evil acts.

Well, what do you expect from a simple mind of a kid? Liberate and carefree. They don’t have to worry about paying bills and who to impress. All they wanna do is to mimic after whoever they think highly of… ultraman, spiderman, vampires, those beefcake brutes in the ever popular American wrestling veneer… the silly but fun part of being a kid.

But sadly, I’m all grown up now. I have hairs at various places, and have responsibilities to go along with it. I have much more important aspirations to worry about, and a set of adulthood orthodox to comply. Those days were gone forever. It’s a totally different world for me now, and I know this will continue to suck until I bite the dust one day.

All that is left is this small fraction of memory and imagination in my brain. Some people call it, the child in us. I call it my imagination. And with the convenience of a little bit of technology, I’m spreading these imaginations like a skanky whore in my blog up on the net, for you people to take a peer, what’s inside the head of a serious looking 28 year old in front of his desk computer, hammering away his keys like he’s saving the world. (muahahahh) It’s wonderful, isn’t it?

No shit, man, if this vampire thing were to be real, I would STILL want to be a vampire. Probably not those Chinese hopping vampires but something like Blade (if you have seen the movie/read the comics) - where I would be immortal, and able to blend in perfectly with the society, without having to fear the sunlight and garlic. And of course, the superhuman traits that I could use to impress girls (which I can make a meal out of by sucking blood off their tits). Woohoo!

I was snapped back to reality soon after that microsecond drift

Emily: “I don’t think it’s cool dear. It’s horrible. Know how we died? We jumped off a building”

Me: “Oh”

Ultimate turn off. You can’t be a vampire when you’re looking like a minced meat.

Happy Chinese New Year people… respect the elders and beat up the kids. Cheers.

Somebody commented in my Cheese post…

*****

MALAYSIA = Land of MALAYs
so those malays in working or living in malaysia think they r the BIRTHOWNER of this land. when they r the waiter or waitress, they feel like ‘ what the fark! i am working a low standard and income job so why must i be proud of it’ the prb with most of them is they think they r the boss and never proud of their job. since the young days, the gov has been spoon feed them with the QUOTA system and 5-10% discount for bumis to purchase properties! imagine that. the nonbumis i think is 2nd class citizen maybe. for the non bumis in the civil service department, why they never been given the quota system of promotion in their respective division? i wonder.
their thinking always..’ this is MALAYSIA, so why i am doing this kinda job!??’
posted by PM Badawi

my reply to him

whoaaa.. the prime minister was here.

Hey, mr badawi! Apa macam? Ho seh bo?
Eh you orang boleh suruh itu samy bikin satu jambatan lagi kat penang aa? (jambatan, bukan jamban…)

itu traffic dekat sana manyak teruk lar. Kelmarin gua kena sangkut kat itu tol satu setengah jam… pasal ada satu lori pancit kat tengah jalan. Potong stim lah

And I’m sure my pembaca blog sekelian also ada something to komplen to you. Maybe it’s good if you can set up a special independent panel to monitor the jalan raya mia kualiti……

posted by michaelooi

Remember my American friend Keith? Well, he’s in town.

*****

Keith: [saw a Kenari] “Is that a car?”

Me: “Hehehehh it’s a car alright. Small car”

Keith: “You call that a car?”

Me: “Hehehh, toy car for you”

You see, Keith is biggggg. Very BIG. That’s why the prejudice against smaller automobiles.

Keith: [turns to my friend Rod] “Is your car that small?”

He’s supposed to hitch on Rod’s car for lunch, as I have another lunch appointment to attend

Rod: “No no… it’s a little bigger.”

Keith: “OK. Michael, if his car is that small, I’m gonna kick your ass for that”

Well, he didn’t get to. He fits into an Iswara nicely - after retracting & reclining the side passenger seat to the furthest extend.

*****

Me: “That data analyst from Japan is cute”

Keith: “Yeah, she’s a home-x” [I kinda forgot what he said, it was an American slang, so I put x instead]

Me: “Home-x? What’s that?”

Keith: “You know? Like she’s not really pretty but good looking enough for you to keep at home?”

Me: “Ahhh ok ok. Wife material”

Keith: “Hhyeah! Wife material”

Me: “Those that are only good for humping, reproducing and cleaning our mess up”

Keith: “Hhyeah!”

*****

Keith: “You know, we always have this habit of saying ‘wear-it!’ whenever we see a hot chick”

Me: “It’s a slang?”

Keith: “Yeah it’s a slang. Just the other day I was uttering ‘wear-it’, got some of them asking me what is it”

Me: “Why ‘wear-it’?”

Keith: “You know when you spray some baby-batters on them?”

Me: “I’m sorry, did you say baby-something?”

Keith: “Yeah, baby-batter”

Me: “Batter as in b-a-t-t-e-r?”

Keith: “Yeah baby-batter.”

Me: “Hahahh! Got it. So… you’re saying when we’re unloading our sperms all over them?”

Keith: “Yes, unloading all over them. Then they’ll have to walk to the bathroom to clean themselves up.”

Me: “But, why ‘wear-it’?”

Keith: “Coz they’re like wearing those sperms on them hehehheh”

And we laughed like jackasses in the office.

*****

Keith: “Mike, do you know why god created woman?”

Me: “No, why?”

Keith: “Coz somebody has to carry the sperm to the toilet!”

Me: “Hahahhh that’s cruel”

Keith: “And do you know why god made them bleed?”

Me: “I don’t know. You tell me.”

Keith: “Coz they fucking deserve it!”

Me: “You’re fucking sick dude!”

*****

Keith: “Mannnn China is terrible. Once I got myself a cab, there were 5 girls jumping up with me on it… and they weren’t even hookers!”

Me: “Why did they do that?”

Keith: “They just wanted American boyfriends.”

Me: “Well, at least that’s better than 5 guys jumping on the cab with you, right?”

Keith: “Heheh yeah. If those are guys, I guess I’m gonna just punch them …”

*****