Archive for 2005

November 7, 2005

one thing

Somebody from the top organized a survey, asked me if there’s ONE THING that I’d like to bitch about my workplace. I was like “ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?????” I’ve got gazillions of things to bitch about! But I gave them one, nevertheless. Here it is (edited company name to retain my ass):

[Company name] has too many management level employees. Not only it created a void in the workforce (that is, the REAL people who actually gets work done), but also consumed larger shares on the allocated budget – limiting the annual pay increment of the middle/lower income executives. This will indirectly demotivate everyone and create a negative work environment. Sure enough, [company name] is a stable pillar for a lot of career seekers, but it is not a very good place to DEVELOP oneself.

Eg what I’m talking about : Why do we have so many highly paid managers and directors reporting to each other? They’re taking up a lot on our budgets. And these budgets are often reported as OVERSPENT… and that’s when these people FINALLY get to do something – to send out memos announcing that we’re gonna have to cut down our spending and virtually have everything frozen. As the matter of fact, we did not overspend. The only thing that can be deemed as overspent was to feed these loafers lavishly to read emails and making stupid decisions. They’re siphoning off the company resources! Why couldn’t anyone figure that out already??

The management kept stressing that the boss-employee ratio is at a healthy level and things like that… but I think it is inaccurate because it includes the direct headcounts (manufacturing operators, that is) – which shouldn’t be accounted into the ratio calculation at all. Throw a stone, you’ll hit a manager/director easily at [company name]. Everyone knows that.

Rather than having so many highly-paid management level leaders on top, why wouldn’t [company name] employ more middle income/level execs to get things done? No budget? Sack a director and we’ll have enough money to pay half a dozen of such people working for us – increasing job opportunity and reducing the unemployment rate (which is in line with our country’s vision). You do the math.

So… as a summary …

Less high-pay management workforce = more budget share
More budget share = we get to hire more talented execs
More talented execs = more work done
More work done = higher profit share and earnings

See … it’s all good and I’m brilliant.
(I’m a middle level exec btw, you should hire more “abled” personnel like me.)

Am I fucking right or what? Should anyone of you want to use the response above for any means of conveniences, be my guest. Just insert your company name and you’re ready to go.

You’re welcome.

michaelooi  | work shit  | 15 Comments
November 1, 2005

invasion of the shapeshifters

I was with the guys at this popular food joint for lunch today and was quite elated to find that it wasn’t as crowded as it has always been. Well, that’s because today’s a holiday and there weren’t that much hardworking people like us around. That made our eat-out kinda relaxing today, you know, we got all the nice tables and got our food delivered lightning fast.

It all went well through the first 5 minutes, until a group of “shapeshifters” came in with a dozen of obnoxious kids.

Alright… you’d probably be wondering – what the fuck is a “shapeshifter” ? It’s my new term to describe those fucked up housewives. You see, the noun “housewife” is too general to describe that faction of contemptuous housewives whom I loathed, and can be unfair to those clean apples that fall within the same group.

So I am doing the next best thing – I stereotype this group of people and decided to call them “shapeshifters” instead. Why a shapeshifter? Here’s an illustration that pretty much explains everything.

So now you know what’s a “shapeshifter”…

Anyway, this group of shapeshifters… was leading a pack of boisterous kids into the food joint, making a hell lot of noise right next to our table. There were a few of them yelling concurrently at the kids, commanding them to hush the screaming and noises already. That’s right, they fucking yelled louder than their kids to quell their screaming. *shakes head*

Then they yelled more to command the kids to get to their seats and dragged the tables and chairs for a couple minutes before settling down at 2 separate tables. And we thought that was about all we ever had to endure from them but we were so wrong. These shapeshifters, would continue to yell and scream throughout their meal (alright, maybe they were just talking but, it sounded very much like yelling to me) … spattering chunks of semi-chewed food on their tables… as if it has been ages since they had any contact with the outside world.

Somebody from our group actually said that these were probably some bumpkins that came out from the nearby bushes to celebrate Deepavali, but I don’t think that’s true as I could see that they are actually Chinese. Most probably, they were from somewhere distant like Singapore. Whatever. Not that it mattered anyway.

The thing that matters is how these people bring themselves about. Like, can you imagine if I were to be some alien visiting from outer fucking space ? What would I think of Earthlings ? Their simple act of rowdiness could have brought a major misconception of our world.

And pissing me off (as a visiting alien) would probably result me going over to their tables to suck their brains for dessert out of compulsion …. and THAT… would have caused an unnecessary pandemonium in a quiet Deepavali afternoon at that food joint.

Damn those shapeshifters. Can somebody please teach them some moral values…

michaelooi  | what I saw  | 15 Comments
October 30, 2005

the wedgie

I experienced it AGAIN. The feeling of wearing a thong. I’ve blogged about my first accidental discovery before … and very well learnt the lesson not to wear a loose underwear to work ever again.

But this time, it didn’t happen at work. It happened out of sheer randomness. You know, when you’re very sure you’re not gonna make the same stupid boner you’ve been reminding yourself not to make ? Then WHAM – it just happens.

This time, the fault lies on my loose shorts. You see, I was in my casual attire – a pair of bermuda shorts and my flip flops. Was doing something fairly important when I realized that my shorts are shifting lower at the waistline. Well, that was because I had heaps of stuffs in my pockets, you know, keys and shits like that. The weight of those stuffs kept pulling my shorts lower mooning out my underwear-ed ass.

Because I do not fancy exhibiting my bum to the public like those ah lians, I took some effort to pull my shorts back up each time it slides down my ass. So it was kinda like a routine thingy, me pulling my shorts every few minutes or so. But there was this one time, I pulled the wrong part the whole thing. Instead of pulling the sliding shorts, I made a mistake and pulled MY UNDERWEAR!

And because I pulled too hard, it sort of created a nasty wedgie right in the center of my buttcrack. If you can imagine the situation, my underwear is now higher than my shorts and my buttcheeks felt cold like they were naked like that. If you remember Marky Mark and his infamous Calvin Klein underwear advert, yeah … it’s almost the same except, I’m fucking doing it with a wedgie !

My reflex was fast, I hopped to a secluded corner and even up the whole situation by doing some frantic tuck-in’s. In the process, I also surveyed if there was any reputation damage been done. Thank god, no. I couldn’t imagine if the entire blooper were to be witnessed by a kid … could probably scar that little guy’s childhood and turn him into a deranged serial killer or something.

I was unlucky for the indignity that happened, and a little bit lucky that nobody saw it.

michaelooi  | happenings  | 7 Comments
October 28, 2005

craps we learnt

Top 5 crappiest subjects that are being taught in school :

1) Pendidikan Moral.
Supposedly, this subject is to educate the youngs about how not to be assholes – turned out to be quite the opposite. More often than not, moral values are being taught at home by our parents with a cane or a baseball bat. But as we grow up to school, we’re being taught with something that conflicts with what we have learnt at home and some even to the extend of betraying our own conscience. There’s just too many examples to quote but here’s one that I remember :

Q: You’re cruising very slowly across a rural housing area. Suddenly a pregnant lady leaps out of nowhere and faints right in front of your car. Because you have one hell of a kickass car with ABS, you manage to brake in time. Some farmers witness the incident and misunderstand that you hit the pregnant lady – but you know you’re innocent. The pregnant lady still lays unconscious on the road and you can see droves of farmers running out with pitchforks and big ass sticks… what would you do ?
a) Try to explain to farmers and convince them it’s not your fault
b) Try to convince farmers to help pregnant lady first and you’ll explain everything later.
c) Ignore farmers and help pregnant lady (submit to fate of what those farmers are gonna do to your ass)
d) Floor accelerator and flee to the nearest police station.

Because I’m nice, I got the answer wrong. You figure the answer.

2) Bahasa Klasik
This is the most ridiculous subject we learn at school. I’m not too sure if it’s still being taught in the schools today but, hell, it was definitely a total turn off back a decade and a half ago. I still couldn’t figure out how this Bahasa Klasik knowledge would fit in our everyday life but to make one sound like a total fucked up person. I mean, sure enough, we learn about in’s and out’s about languages to communicate and all that but this … is hardly useful at all. Like, have you ever communicated in Bahasa Klasik anywhere in the public today ? You’d be fucked up if you did.

Here’s an example of asking a girl out using Bahasa Klasik :

“Oh adinda yang kiut-miut bagaikan mutiara di Laut Cina Selatan, sudikah anda bersantap bersama kakanda di Terima Kasih Kepada Tuhan Kerana Hari Ini Jumaat ?”

If the example above sounded ridiculous to you, then yes, it’s supposed to be like that. If you somehow manage to decipher what I was trying to say up there, well, that means I’m not very good at Bahasa Klasik. It’s basically full of confusion and blurness of the flowery way of saying things. How I loathed Bahasa Klasik. Ptuiiii !!

3) Pendidikan Seni
That bluntly translates as Art Education. We’re suppose to learn about arts. But we don’t. Well, at least up to Standard 6 anyway. What I remember is, we will be given an odd title – like “an old building” or “a crippled dog boning a cat” – and then we’ll be asked to submit our work the next day or face the wrath of the psychotic art teacher.

Man… does that sound like ‘education’ to you ? Fuck no. Did we learn about historically significant paintings the world has ever known and how it was produced ? Fuck no. Did we learn about reflections and refractions and colors and how natural objects emit radiation in reality? FUCK NO. What did we learn ? How to siphon marks off to be academically competent. That’s smart.

4) Pendidikan Jasmani
That’s our PE. Physical Exercise. Like Art Education, this is hardly any education at all. Though I liked this PE thing a lot, but it ain’t doing us any good academically. Nor does it serve any purpose of enhancing our understanding of getting healthy and staying fit. What did we do ? Well, the teacher would give us a ball and we were asked to play ourselves (NOOOOO you dirty minded fucks… it’s the ball game… ). Something which we already knew and in that fact, very well. Why educate us something we already knew ?

When the time comes for us to get certified, the teacher would just ask us to perform a couple rounds of runs, bench presses and sit ups to grade our fitness. And that’s about it. (that kinda reminded me of my friend who actually farted when he attempted to perform a sit up maneuver, almost got all of us killed when his flatulence gassed the entire volleyball court)

Pendidikan Jasmani. It’s a bunch of crap if you were to ask me. The time could have been used to learn something more useful like how to ride a bike properly on the road … or how to skin a live chicken… whichever applies.

5) Pendidikan Muzik
That’s the name of our music class goddamn it. In our primary years, it’s a compulsory subject. No we do not get to learn how to play musical instruments or how to read those bean sprout hieroglyphics … but to snap our fingers and sing along to those gaudy tunes with that ratfink teacher with cauliflower hairstyle. I remember one or two of those gay songs (fuck, it’s imbued in my brain… thanks to those fags)

Susu dan jagung, kacang dan lengkong, air gula berwarrrrnaaa… [snap fingers]…

That’s so fucked up man. Little did they know that I was already able to recite the full length of some Bee Gees tune at that age. What an insult. I wonder why can’t they teach us how to play musical instruments instead ? What’s with all those singing nonsense ? For your information of how bad it is, one of my classmates actually turned into a transvestite. God knows how many more turned gay. I’m thankful that I’m straight with a healthy length.

So there you have it. Some seriously flawed subjects. I’m not sure if this is about my school or is this a whole nation thing. If I were to be put charge on these whole education matter, I would have emphasized on following areas

1) languages (English, BeeEm) – to communicate and pave way for learning more stuffs. There’s once I ordered something in English at KFC – “no wings and drumstick”… and the server thought I was trying to ask her telephone number. We’ve got some really serious illiterates out there who can’t even communicate in plain English…

2) mathematics – foundation for the sciences. Essential for everyday life, nuff said.

3) sciences – biology, physics and chemistry. The key foundation to improve life. Without engineering and sciences, we would still be wearing furs and hunt animals for food.

4) geography – that’s important too. I’ve seen a video clip of some dimwits pointing to Australia when being asked where North Korea is. This is not good. You’ve got to know the planet you live on.

5) logic – my self invented subject. Something to teach the children about logic. Like how not to upset a dog when you’re defenseless. How not to disrespect your mom when she’s holding a cane. How not to burn things when there are explosives around. Things like that.

And I wonder, why didn’t they teach our children about traffic rules at younger age ? What’s the use of education if they can’t even drive/ride safely past the productive age of adolescence ? *shakes head*

michaelooi  | thoughts  | 31 Comments
October 23, 2005

old man

The old man ended his suffering today. He’s not ill anymore.

I’ll be back in a few days.

michaelooi  | personal  | Comments Off