Archive for 2005

January 4, 2005

random conversation

My ICQ blinked … somebody by the name ‘vivian’ messaged …

vivian : “hi”

heavenly [my androgynous nick in ICQ] : “hello”

vivian : “how r u ??”

heavenly : “i’m fine thank you.”

vivian : “ok, where u from??”

heavenly : “I am from earth”

vivian : “ic me too. u are not space man is ok laio. Haha :-P introduce lah”

heavenly : “oh .. ok … my name is Abdrahar Adigun. I’m the president of the South African Bank. I have 30 million in a swiss bank which i want to share with you.”

vivian : “no need lie. u actually dun want make true fren with me mah. I hate ppl lie one”

heavenly : “ok … why don’t you try to click my ICQ stats button ?”

vivian : “i lazy mah”

heavenly : “so, you want me to be honest ?”

vivian : “ya lah. me also never lie ppl one. trust each other is good :-) ”

heavenly : “ok , i only fancy girls who has big tits and nice ass … with a complementary matching waist. Face must be good looking too … so… you get the idea”

vivian : “dun want talk with u laio lah. so sad get a fren like u :-( ”

heavenly : “look ,… i’m just being honest, bitch. i thought you said you liked someone who’s honest …you lied”

vivian : “where got”

heavenly : “well, i ain’t gonna explain that. check the history yourself… and decipher what i’ve said.”

vivian : “:-) ok lor”

heavenly : “what you’re gonna do ?”

vivian : “check mail”

heavenly : “i’m asking ‘what you’re gonna do’ … not what are you doing”

vivian : “sorry dun know”

She’s probably Panda’s best friend. Or twin sister.

michaelooi  | e-chats  | 15 Comments
January 3, 2005

situation

*disclaimer : the entry below encompasses a very intellect demanding riddle/quiz, may cause extreme fatigue of the mind if not being handled properly, pls read at your own discretion.

A situation to study :

You parked your car into a parking lot. Before you leave, you checked if everything was ok – car was perfectly parked within the lot markings and did not jut over to the adjacent lot. Great.

You went ahead with your plan… and a couple of hours later, you came back to discover a maroon colored Honda City (yes, the flowerhorn fish shaped car…) parked out of its parking lot boundary and was VERY close (approximately 15 cm away) from your car.

You then inspected your car, and discovered a fresh dent mark on your door, the side that was facing the maroon colored car – which also, matched perfectly to the swiveling radius of the Honda City’s door. What more, you could even see some hint of maroon colored paint right at the center of the dent mark, which made you suspected, that the dent mark was induced by that Honda City’s door.

What would you do next? Please pick your best answer and elaborate why.

A) Do nothing about it and leave.
B) Wait till the owner appears and confront him/her.
C) Wait till the owner appears and beat him/her up.
D) Retaliate by scratching the Honda City’s driver door and move on.

And your best guess, which answer would I choose ? And why …

Your answer will be collected and tabulated for the national institute of statistical research aiming to provide better shelter for stray animals. Your contribution of answers will be very much appreciated.

*****

What I chose :

Before I reveal what I chose, let’s review the available options…

A) Do nothing about it and leave.
Obviously, I can’t do that. That’s because I cared for my black car like how Darth Vader cared for his black helmet. Keep it clean, shiny and all that. Seeing a dent on my car (even if it’s just on the door bumper strip), would stir an emotion comparable to a washing machine’s dry spin. So, I definitely must DO SOMETHING about it. Therefore, this option is void.

B) Wait till the owner appears and confront him/her.
I really would like get over this diplomatically… but then, I can’t. You see, the situation happened under the hot sun and it’s scorching 36 deg C right there. I was afraid I would have croaked myself of heat stroke before I’m able to utter a single profanity to the owner. The nearest shade was like, 200 meters away – not really a good distance to spot the owner. So, this option is really impossible.

C) Wait till the owner appears and beat him/her up.
Well, if you’re talking about a bicycle owner, no doubt I would have chosen this option… because usually a person who rides a bicycle would be either a kid, an old dude, or a housewife. Easy target… a punch or two should do the trick. But I’ll never know if the car owner is some beefcake loan shark that carries a gun. I don’t want to be popped a cap at. Besides, I’m an educated person and not a caveman. Violence doesn’t solve problems, only makes it worse. Hence, option C is out of the consideration.

D) Retaliate by scratching the Honda City’s driver door and move on.
This is the only option available to me. Scratching the owner’s door gives me satisfaction and a chance of calling it an even game. No hostility, no ill will. Just a simple scratch on the car’s nice metallic door surface. Shouldn’t pose any hazard to any living organism on this planet and can be quickly done (because I’m also in a hurry to bring Emily’s lunch).

So, I took my car key (I’m whistling some jolly tune while doing this), and walked real close to the Honda City and ‘accidentally’ did something. Something that emits the noise KRRRAAAAAKKKK and some maroon stain on the tip of my car key. Something that no amount of polishing nor sandpapering would help to restore the former glory of the car’s door. Gone were its glossy days… and blame it on my car key.

But then, I felt a little bit regret of doing that. I should have given the car a dent instead… Served the fucker right for driving like a mule.

michaelooi  | experiences  | 38 Comments
January 2, 2005

physiotherabullshit

Besides fluctuating fever, Emily also has a very bad case of cough. Her trachea is full of phlegm and always in a constant itch. As a result of the perpetual coughing, she also contracted some slight abdominal pain.

That’s why, the doctor prescribed her a physiotherapy session. Everyday, the physiotherapist would visit Emily at the ward, and give her some massage to ease both her abdominal pain and sooth her cough (how… I don’t know).

There are 2 physiotherapists involved. The first physiotherapist, is a skinny old hag that has a very pungent armpit odor. Almost knocked me black out.

The second physiotherapist however, is a younger one. Scrawny girl in her 20’s. Probably a trainee or something because she doesn’t look very experienced to me. The key word to describe both of them is – scrawny. Skinny wrapping the bones. Humping them will be like having sex with a bicycle steel frame… which is going to cause a lot of bruises.

Usually, I’m not allowed in the ward when the physio sessions are going on, so, I don’t know what happens inside there. Emily and I did not talk about it either, until today, when Emily suddenly told me this :

Emily : “Dear, the physiotherapist told me I have a wrong breathing technique…”

To cut things short, the physiotherapist actually told Emily that when one’s inhaling air, the abdomen should inflate, bulging out. If it doesn’t bulge, that means, your breathing technique is wrong.

Me : “My abdomen doesn’t bulge when I inhale air… does that mean my breathing technique is wrong too?”

Emily : “If what she said is true, then, yeah …”

Me : “So? I should breath properly like what she said? And have a rank armpit like her?”

I initially thought that was told by the old stinking hag, but apparently, it was told by the younger physiotherapist.

Emily : “No, not the old one. This was told by the younger one…”

Me : “Well then, to breathe properly to look like a livid looking skinny creature like her? That’s even worse!”

Emily : “Come on dear, she’s probably just trying to tell us the right thing…”

Me : “What the hell? We’ve been breathing like this for 27 fucking years and still alive… and she’s telling us that our breathing technique is wrong… isn’t that ridiculous?”

Emily : “Well, that’s what she said…”

Me : “Bullshit – that’s what she had said. She just wanted to sound professional… a typical hypocrite.”

That’s right. I’ve heard of improper postures that cause health hazards, but never have I heard of ‘improper breathing technique’. I mean, the purpose of breathing is to get air into our lungs for it to pick up oxygen (and expel CO2). As long as our lungs are picking up enough oxygen, that oughtta do it. Doesn’t matter how you breath.

Theoretically, if I can get my lungs to pick up oxygen by itself, I can even survive without breathing. (Example, stuck out our lungs out in the open air, and run). But that’s just a theory. May not work in reality, give or take of a few scientific conflicts which I don’t feel like explaining.

It’s simple, really, either you breathe, or you don’t. You’ll die if you don’t breathe (properly or not). And if you’re alive, that means you’re breathing good.

Maybe she just wanted to make herself sound like an expert or something, by disseminating irrelevant opinionated facts. What the fuck.

Perhaps I should create my own made-up facts to gain attention like her. Some examples that I can come up with… :

– moving your mouse improperly may cause your neighbor’s dog to have erectile dysfunction.
– typing keys on your keyboard in an improper way may cause ass cancer.
– your car won’t start in the morning if you don’t shut down your OS properly.

Hah, try to swallow that.

michaelooi  | 2-of-us  | 19 Comments
January 1, 2005

observation from a ward

I’ve been sitting inside a hospital ward for days, looking after Emily and taking care of her needs. Most of the time, she would just sleep, so, I get plenty of time idling around observing stuff around the hospital.

Some of the random stuff I observed for the past few days in the hospital.

– There’s this fat nurse who works in the night shift. She has mustache and is fucking clumsy. She would knock over everything in her path…. trays, syringes, waste paper baskets, tables, fire extinguishers, doors, walls, cars, ambulance,… you get the idea.

– A young couple brought their small toddler along to visit an ill friend. This toddler of theirs, was wearing a pair of those squeaky soled shoes and was running all over the place excitedly. So, the whole place was like SQUEAK ! SQUEAK ! SQUEAK ! The parents did nothing about it.

– Another old couple brought along HALF DOZEN kids to visit an ill friend. The half dozen kids, were like running all over the place playing hide and seek despite multiple warnings by the nurses asking them to keep quiet. They made the whole hospital ward look like a salvation army camp. The children were last seen jumping up and down on some spare beds while the parents looked on… and did nothing about it.

– A couple of teenage girls with small tits were practicing how to march along the ward corridor. Alright, they’re not actually marching but, close to it. They would walk from one end to the other while talking in a raucous manner… probably relating some experience of having their first orgasm with a cucumber (or a carrot, or a brinjal, or a lotus root, or a tat-seng selipar jepun).

– Housewife visitors yelling out loud on their cell phones, complimenting other people’s mother and deciding what type of dish she wanted to fucking cook that night. And some even overtly exclaimed on some patient’s condition. Like “Eh! Lu kua tiok boh? Ha kiok ginna eh thau? Geli loh!” (translation : “Eh! Did you saw that kid’s head? Gross!”)

– Housewife barged into a doctor’s room without knocking. Getting objurgated in return.

– Emily’s ward mate’s visitors watched the TV with loud volume and boisterous chatting, post visiting hours.

– Someone lighting fire crackers just opposite the hospital building.

Do I even need to explain ?

What’s the use of education when a person’s lack of even a tiny wee bit of rationalism?

michaelooi  | what I saw  | 14 Comments