Archive for 2005

February 2, 2005

‘guy talk’

BigSnake and myself had a ‘guy talk’ today. At first, we were just having a simple prattle about girls, when he began to relate about his recent relationship conflict. He started out by referring his girlfriend as … well … “my girlfriend” … then later with more livid representations like “that bitch… cunt… ” … and before long, our discussion began to sound like we’re some chauvinist terrorists plotting to eradicate all dickless living creatures on Earth. Full of resentment and hate (and he’d regularly end each sentence with a “kanneh” to spice up his message)

Well, it appeared that he had just recently discovered that his girlfriend isn’t what she really was anymore. Of what used to be a girl of his dreams, has now turned into something he dreaded most – a female dog. He is upset about every bit of her – from the way she walks, to the way she talks. And he relived his nightmares to me like a Pro Wrestler denigrating an opponent. Huarrggg aarrhrhh *head butts a table*.

So, what actually happened back there? You see, BigSnake is a harmless guy. Yes, he eats wild animals, ogles at a tit or two and only goes whoring for not more than 10 times… but he has never delinquent as a good boyfriend. He always buy her presents, brings her to the finest restaurants and submissively porks her whenever she wants it hot. But instead of appreciating his benevolence, she took the relationship for granted. She became more and more greedy over the months… and eventually, selfishness possessed her. Everything that both of them does, would literally means, to suit her appeasement only.

Eg . She would rightfully claim that she thinks “Kungfu Hustle” is a shitty movie and refuse to watch it with BigSnake… but would get all peeved if BigSnake reserves the same opinion about “Phantom of the Opera”. BigSnake would then have no choice but to accompany her to watch that super shitty movie. (I mean, come on, how could a girl haul her own boyfriend along to watch that kind of sohai movie with her ? Who in their right mind would do that ? This is so inhumane.). BigSnake told me that he slept throughout the entire “Phantom of the Opera” screening …and later got a lot of scolding from that beast for failing to enjoy it.

You get the idea. Initially it was all cool for BigSnake, but after suffering for a few months, his accumulated anger reached its peak… and he snapped right in front of me today. He poured everything out like diarrhea… almost to the brink of punching an innocent motherboard lying nearby.

“Mah eh chee bye leh! Tiuuuu lei low mei!” – never had I heard BigSnake cussed in that professional manner before. I quickly gave him a few “cool down” advice before he went any madder. But I knew my efforts were futile. The real deal lies on his decision – whether to give his girl a chance to change… or dump that four-legged sasquatch … (Though I very much hoped he would just do the latter without further ado).

After a few more rounds of techicolored language rantings, he finally heaved a sigh of relief and cooled down. He then uttered :

“Man, nothing felt like expressing it out to a friend. Thanks. I think I’m gonna give that bitch another 6 months to change, and after that, I’m gonna dump her”.

I don’t know but, if I were to be in his shoes, I’m gonna probably bone her halfway and abandon her right before she climaxes the big O — so that it’ll be a painful break up for her to remember all her life. (in case you wondered about myself, I can always use my hands to even back the odds, not a problem)

I think we lacked of beers, else it would have been a perfect ‘guy talk’.

michaelooi  | characters  | 20 Comments
February 1, 2005

CNY then & now

I used to be so excited about Chinese New Year when I was a kid. But now, *sigh* gone were the excitements for this once oh-so-grand celebration. For me, today, it’s just another shitty event that I have to put with, unwillingly.

I so wanted to describe my feelings right now, but somehow, I find it difficult to put them out in words descriptive enough to express them acutely. Hence, I decided to put up a more concise list instead… that encompasses the comparison between the “then and now” version of myself …

Chinese New Year for me

*****
Then : Insomnia… unbearable excitement. Wakes up earlier than usual, dons nice/new clothes… can’t wait to go to ‘the headquarter’ (my grandparents’ house – meeting place for our extended family)

Now : Oversleeps way past lunch… due to extreme alcohol intoxication the eve before. Dilapidated T-shirt and bermuda shorts… procrastination, daydreaming, porcelain hugging, and near crash for the second time, before realizing I’m suppose to be having lunch at ‘the headquarter’.

*****
Then : Round up adults and blackmail them for ang-pows. (*ang-pow – a small red colored envelope that usually contains gift-money as a sign of good fortune and luck in the Chinese tradition. Also a disguised form of bribery.).

Now : Being round up and blackmailed by kids for ang-pows. Have to submit to their ill-will so that they would leave me alone. (kindergarten tax)

*****
Then : Running around shouting like Rambo, blowing up stuffs, plowing animal asses with firecrackers, refuse to go home.

Now : In front of the TV, watching Rambo running around shouting, blowing up stuffs, plowing Vietcong asses with heavy firearms and go home after that.

*****
Then : Free cookies, oranges, candies and chocolates.

Now : Overpriced shitty hawker food, expensive booze and plenty of hangovers.

*****

Ironic, isn’t it? It’s still the same celebration … still my same physical self… but somehow, over the years, the passion changes to the complete opposite.

Let’s just say, being an adult sucks. The only fun and cool thing that adults get to do (that children can’t) is sex. Nothing else.

If I were to be given a choice, I would definitely choose not to grow up, abstaining from any commitment/responsibilities… and have sex everyday.

Happy Chinese New Year, grown ups.

michaelooi  | satirical shit  | 21 Comments
January 31, 2005

keywords II

You guys won’t believe what those sick people out there typed in the search engine… and ended up in my blog. (this is the second part of the first)

1) durian smell gas – My best guess is this idiot actually smelled something kinky when his pet dog let out a sneak cheek (who says animals don’t fart ?) out of some imbalanced leftover diet, and came searching in the net about what has he been whiffing… if there’s any side effect on him… and whatever shitty information he could obtain from the net.

2) Tat Seng slippers – When Tat Seng started his merchandise of Japanese rubber soled slippers/sandals many years ago, he wouldn’t have thought that some clueless dork might be typing his trademark name into the search engine… and ended up in this rated 62% evil blog.

3) baboon pic – To check if there are any photos of his/her distant relatives accidentally posted on the net. Or perhaps somebody managed to make the info searcher believe that Baboon is the name of a hot porn star?

4) “one night stand”+penang – Searching for one-night-stand on the net? What the fuck was this guy thinking? Duuuude… you don’t search for one-night-stands on the NET. You search them in clubs, pubs and discos

5) sex rambang – You’re confusing the search engine, dumbfuck. Sex is spelled as “seks” in Malay. Dah la bodoh, nak layar laman seks pulak, perabih beras nih

6) Bangla fuck – Look, I don’t mean to offend anyone but, do you have an idea how bad smelling a Bangla is? I couldn’t imagine why would anyone interested in having sex with a Bangla. Why not consider a sewer pipe? Either you fuck the pipe, or the pipe lubes your ass… doesn’t matter.

7) photos naked housewives – You stupid pervert. Some housewives have high amount of cellulite that outweights a whale’s lard… and those are known to be comatose inducing. Might as well kill yourself by stabbing a knife into your eye socket repeatedly.

8) sweaty girl armpit picture – some really sick people out there who had a fetish for sweaty armpits. Girls, don’t be wearing any sleeveless late at night. Or at least patch them up with a duct tape or something… should you need to wear one.

9) granny sex – lo and behold ! Who would have thought that there are still somebody out there that are seeking information regarding copulation with a geriatric ?

10) picture tit blade cut scream blood torture – this is getting insane. There’s a sadomasochistic serial killer in the prowl out there ! and he has been to my blog ! *scream*

You sick people out there… stay away from me and my blog.

michaelooi  | nonsense  | 59 Comments

the guardian of peace

I was walking along the shoplots in Carrefour heading towards the bakery to buy a piece of bread, when a fatass jerk in red collared fluorescent blue shirt approached me. His appearance irked me even though he has not start talking to me yet … because nobody fucking wears a RED COLLARED FLUORESCENT BLUE SHIRT. It disrupts the world peace. I got even more pissed off when I realized that he had a couple dozens of ripened hickeys on his face and he fucking stood too near to where I was … (his hickeys disrupt world peace too, so I wasn’t really pleased with that…)

“What the fuck do you want asshole ??” I yelled at him.
“Oh no sir, I’m from [INSERT BANK NAME] and I would like to promote our credit card and …”

That was it, he wore a red collared fluorescent blue shirt, had ripened hickeys, called me a sir (should’ve called me “brother”) and promoted his stupid credit card without my consent. Now… if that person is not a terrorist (that disrupts world peace), then please fucking tell me, what else could he be.

I punched him in the face before he managed to finish that sentence and blood spurted out from his nostrils … soaking his blue shirt red. (Which was kinda cool because it flushed with the color of his collar after that..). He wailed like a pussy and was uttering something unintelligible. Something like “Uwegghhh weegghh uwegghh”.

I mistaken what he said as “Biff me up more” and I continued to pummel him. I kicked him in the ribs, chest, head… and I think I even crashed something on top of him…. a wooden chair or a table, I forgot.

That was when, one of his hag colleagues came yelling me to stop whatever I was doing and tried to help that pussy up on his feet. But that fatass pussy was too heavy for her and she fell to the ground… partially exposing her gross yellow stained while cotton thong to the public. Ewwwhhh … and someone from the crowd spat at her for being such an unhygienic sleaze.

She got up and started bitching about me beating up her pussy colleague … “How could you do this to him !!? Bitch bitch bitch…police.. bitch bitch… arrest..bitch bitch bitch !!!”. It was annoying. I stood there for approximately 3 seconds and was starting to get agitated again. Her bitching was certainly disrupting the world peace … and I couldn’t stand for not doing something about it. I procrastinated no more, and jammed a piece of the broken furniture (that was used to crash on pussy earlier) into her stinking mouth, breaking her set of bucktooth and knocked her out cold.

With pussy lying there unconscious and bitch passed out, it was all peaceful again. And I continued my way to buy me a piece of bread…

michaelooi  | imaginations  | 17 Comments
January 30, 2005

heavy

A conversation with DrLiew in ICQ …

me : “i am heavier than most people of my size … ”

doc : “big bone, hahaha”

me : “is there really such a thing as heavier bone mass ?”

doc : “yes… we call it ‘built'”

me : “hmmm .. ok … i thought that’s just something being made up. coz i may just have bigger organs than anyone else … you know .,.. bigger lungs … bigger kidneys … bigger bladder … bigger dick … which contributes to my weight …”

doc : “LOL . big testicles”

me : “yeah yeah … and probably bigger biceps and you know … brain mass … ”

doc : “hahahaha”

Bigger ‘built’… hmmm … me thinks it’s my schlong.

michaelooi  | e-chats  | 16 Comments