Archive for 2005

December 2, 2005

the popsicle incident

*this incident happened many years ago when I was a few pubic hairs short of reaching puberty

My old residence was situated at a rather rural area. We lived alongside with chickens, hookers, rowdy neighbors and assloads of unambitious people living on wooden stilt houses. (if you’ve been reading my blog, yes… I was referring to that old den where I had to put up with FatMary’s psychotic behavior and her exhibitionist sister’s pair of dainty rack). Behind our residence, was a small wooden house inhabited by a Malay family. (I’ve briefly mentioned about them in this entry)

To cut the introduction short, basically, the whole family’s a basket case. There’s nothing right about all of them… except the wife – who’s a very large lady who could easily wreck a weighting scale… but was kinda ok. She was the only person from that family that I had ever talked to. And that was because she was operating a small scale business selling flavored popsicles from her shabby dwelling.

Popsicles to a kid = sex to you perverts out there. As a kid back then, I would go nuts over popsicles and it was being sold right there behind my house. Now, how cool is that? It’s totally rad, man. That was why, I think she’s alright. (juvenile minds are just overly simple)

At different times of the day, I would just walk over to the back of my house, peer over the fence, gave a gentle tap on their windows (it was right next to the fence, really close) and excitedly shout out “Makcik bagi ais dua!”. Would cost me forty cents. I always had double, they were fucking awesome.

But one afternoon, my tap on the window went unanswered. I tapped harder and even called out into their living room, nobody replied. I tried to peer around, the living room was empty. The kids weren’t there like they always did. It was all only silence. That’s strange… I thought. The door and windows were wide open, it didn’t occur to me that the family could have been away from home.

Driven by desperation for the popsicles, I strolled further down the fence perimeter towards the back portion of that house, which got me a view of the kitchen through the second window. From there, I did more knockings and called out if there’s anyone home. This time, I was greeted with some rustling noise around that cramped kitchen space and I lit up like a lightbulb knowing that I was gonna get my popsicles after all.

I waited for a couple of seconds before the noise changed into what seemed to be the sound of a door creaking open. It was a partially obscured metal door right there at the kitchen… swiveling inwards and someone was about to come out of it. Like a canine greeting its master, I waggled my imaginary tail and focused my sight on whoever that was coming out of that door… and got myself ready to order my regular 2 sticks of heavenly bliss.

Then out bounce my blimp neighbor. Naked.

The first thing I noticed was her humongous misshapen tits. It was pendulous and dimpled with uneven surface of fats, seasoned with what seemed to be some whitish skin fungus of some kind, and shitloads of stretch marks. The seam conjoining her saggy boobs and her flabs of bloated blubber, was deep enough to irrigate a small padi field. Probably could even hide a few amphibious animals inside. And her pad of furry beef jerky pie down there? I couldn’t even see it – for it was being eclipsed by another planet growing out from her abdomen and sideways.

I stood there completely petrified, as never had I seen such a tragic creature in my life before. The closest I’ve seen was something off the TV, those who went ballistic around Tokyo city and would later get its ass creamed by ultra-fucking-man. Right at that moment of petrification, I could actually feel my brain cells were slowly dying off… and I had cold sweats literally pouring out of my head. Just as I was about to enter the stupor stage from the overexposure of the horrendous sight… I was jolted up with a loud yelp which seemed to be coming from the sumo housewife. That was the reflex she had when saw the completely dumbfucked me looking at her naked lards through her kitchen windows.

Mortified, she dove back into the bathroom and I could hear some crashing noise. Fortunately, if that hadn’t had happened, I would probably be brain dead by then. Still feeling the sharp repercussion sting of bewilderment, I stood there for the next few seconds not knowing what to do. I wanted to peel off, but I also wanted those popsicles badly. I didn’t know what was I thinking but, I remember… the next thing I did was unbelievably dumb. I actually went ahead to order my popsicles, despite the fact that I was fully aware that my neighbor was still hiding behind the bathroom door naked, and was in no position of conducting a trade – “Err… makcik? ais dua?”. Simply, unbelievable.

But she was kinda professional. She actually yelled out to one of her kids from the bathroom to get me what I want…and I evacuated.

I never got to finish the popsicles after that… for I was too traumatized by the whole incident and took years for me to completely get over it. (that explains why I’m a bit “off” sometimes… I heard voices in my head and eventually became a blogger…)

Needless to say, that was the final time I ever bought popsicles from that neighbor.

michaelooi  | experiences  | 15 Comments

“War of the Worlds” comment

Some guy didn’t like my “War Of the Worlds” review and decided to lash it all out.

Jim wrote:
What the fuck is wrong with you people the ending was the best ending for a alien movie ever because god has a plan for the world and his little bugs killed the threat. what you want rambo to fly up its ass like in id4 and blow the shit out of it. ya that be so cool? you fuckers would then just complain that you thought the were indestructable. All the tripods died at once because a billion years ago the flu didnt excist and when they came up it was the black death for them.the aliens arnt from mars either in the movie, the book yes, movie no. Tom also wasnt the only one who survived the intersection sceen a man at the end ran past ray as he was leaning on the wall. signs was gay because the aliens were trying to invade a planet they were alergic to (water) so dont compare signs to this master piece. The aliens mabey used up all the resorses on their planet and came to earth they didnt wait until we had weapons to invade.
And the comment about toms son being a dumbass for thinking the aliens are from europe… he doesnt know their aliens all hes seen it a bridge blowing up. I have better things to do then to explain why this movie was good because i know most of the people who say it was bad were passed out from smoking and sniffing to much.
So before you pull apart a sci fi movie telling us what the alien invasion is like because youve experenced it. shut the fuck up consider what you just saw.

I replied him, of course:

michaelooi wrote:
hey jim you motherfucker,
who cares what your sorry hillbilly ass thinks about the movie? For fuck’s sake you can’t even spell “maybe”. That’s how fucked up you are.

And you said you have better things to do than explain why this movie’s so good? Yeah you’re so smart bitch, to only say that after hammering a few paragraphs of super fucked up malarkeys that nobody’s gonna give a fuck about. Just eat shit and die, moron.

(man, that’s therapeutic. Hillbilly Jim just made my day)


michaelooi  | mails/posts  | 8 Comments
November 30, 2005

buying it for yourself

People, what is the utmost important thing that would influence your consideration before purchasing an automobile? The look? The price? Handling? What?

For me, my very first gate of judging a potential buy would be the look of that car. I’ll have to like the car first before I would even show interest in purchasing it. (you see, I have this fetish of wanting my car’s meter to look prominently bright and clear during night time… and my Lorraine’s meter fits the profile just right)

Secondly would be the price. Definitely has to be something that I can afford. And finally, to test drive the junk if it’s drivable. If I’m satisfied with the test drive, then I’ll probably make some effort to find out if that piece of shit has any known quality issues or if the after sales service is any good. (such info can be easily found in any local automotive forums). Only then, I’ll contemplate for the final hurdle of getting myself enough bucks to pay for the deposit (and of course, getting the car loan as well).

If you can recall the half assed review entry I did about Proton Savvy, you’ll notice that I got turned off by that car even by the looks of it. It didn’t get through my first gate. And that has been the bane of the whole entry – some nincompoops came and decorated my commenting system with snide remarks stressing that the car’s selling point is all about handling, not about looks.

Well, does that really matter to me? Hell no.

Like I’ve previously iterated in one of my honda city posts, the outlook of a vehicle nowadays are as important as its comfort and safety factor. It’s all about looking good in the modern world. People spent millions in redefining their product designs just to look better – clothes, cars, silicon boobs… everything. It’s part of the winning formula to get your products sell well.

So, if I see a car which doesn’t live up to my expectations, do you think I would even deign to test drive it? That’s exactly the case with me and Proton Savvy. I think it’s ugly and that’s the end of the story.

(one of the managers at my workplace told me that the rear of Proton Savvy somehow reminded him of ultraman taro’s face – refer comparison below to judge yourself…)

michaelooi  | automobiles  | 17 Comments
November 27, 2005

shapeshifter sightings

Know why I loath those shapeshifters so much? Coz they’re so damn fucking annoying.

I encountered a champion of them all a couple days ago. I was queuing up at KFC for my dinner, when I was ‘besieged’ by this goddamn succubus shapeshifter. Was in her 50’s and a deviation from the usual kind – She’s without the stereotypical cauliflower hairstyle (she had straights instead) and was as skinny as one of those stick insects.

She abruptly shoved to the front of where I stood and started to squint her eyes around the glow board display, as if she didn’t know what they were offering there. I wasn’t that peeved initially, that’s because I thought it was kinda normal for old people to act weird sometimes. But I changed my mind literally when she started to flail her skeletal arm all over her, almost hitting my face in the process.

I quickly took a step back to see what the fuck was that all about. From the spot she was standing, she gesticulated to her daughter (who was still outside the outlet) to come over to check out her achievement of the day – that she has just discovered a fucking fast food restaurant. No shit. Then with the other hand, she pointed at those pictures of fried animal body parts on top of the counter, and said the following

“I don’t see any fish meals here.” (She then went around hither and thither with her eyes locked to the displays, completely oblivious to the patrons queuing at the counter almost knocking them down.)

Can you believe that? She’s looking for a fish meal in a fried chicken outlet. How smart is that? I’m sure she (or her daughter) could have figured that they wouldn’t have named themselves Kentucky Fried Chicken if it isn’t just chickens that they’re selling. If they’re selling more than chickens, they probably would have called themselves Kentucky Fried Animals instead. Or perhaps Kentucky Fried Fucking Fish, if it’s just fish. Or simply, The Kentucky’s.

I reckoned that she must have mistaken KFC for McDonalds, because as far as I know, you can get basically all kinds of shits at Mac’s. Chicken, beef and fish. Hell, they even have pork in China. But that couldn’t have been the case – as McDonald’s has invested money to make sure nobody does that mistake… by installing a life sized statue of their freaky clown mascot with a conspicuously red colored wookie hairstyle at the entrance of all their outlets. (if you can actually notice, most clowns are conventionally bald… except Ronald)

And then, you think that she could be just joking around. But then, she wasn’t. It was said in a drop dead serious tone. Like how she would say to her doctor that she’s gonna need him to fix her ruptured uterus. And she didn’t sound like a demented Alzheimer patient either. That’s because she didn’t act like one. She acted like a plain consummate motherfucking bitch, that was how she acted like.

I’ve always been wondering what goes through such people’s mind. Don’t they ever try to be considerate at least a bit in public? Or simply, learn how to react appropriately to situations? What the fuck is wrong with them? What happened to the ethical values that they’ve learnt half of their fucking lives?

Here’s another one that I encountered today. A shapeshifter went up to a roti canai seller and shouted:

Fucks our brain, isn’t it? Acute behavioral disorder amongst the older housewives. I certainly hope that someday, someone will come up with an instant cure to all these madness. Maybe something in the form of an aerosol spray can. Each time these shapeshifters get difficult, we hop in front of them to give them a thorough spray around (like what you do to roaches)… and they’ll instantly become neutralized + behave themselves.

Man, how I wish that could come true. I will be so looking forward to install a high pressured big ass spray nozzle on Lorraine, and then I’m gonna drive around the neighborhood spraying them stupid like Aedes mosquitoes. Goddamn.

michaelooi  | rantings  | 16 Comments
November 25, 2005

sick & disgusting

“Harapkan pagar, pagar makan padi”

I’m sure you people know what I’m talking about. It’s about our police force. The moment I read the news about the abuse, I didn’t make a second thought about the allegations. It came as not much of a surprise for me, since I don’t really have much faith in them.

One may say, that it would be unfair to simply put down the whole force just because of a few bad apples. But hell, what do I care… if they fail, they fucking fail as a whole organization. You don’t rely on many John Rambos running around popping caps at robbers, but a whole team of dedicated and trained professionals to uphold the peace and integrity of the country.

It’s their job to make our country safe and they should be setting good examples while doing it. But when these law enforcement officers break the law themselves and became part of the social decadence, it sort of creates a backdraft effect – people become worried about police vigilantes more than they worry about thugs and racketeers.

How many times have we read in the news about policemen outraging the modesty of an innocent women? How many times have we heard about people getting mistreated during raids? How many times have we heard, or even EXPERIENCED ourselves, about policemen asking for bribes? (yeah, ops sikap… *chuckles*) And lets not even mention the countless of claims about their tardy responds on emergency calls… that is, if they ever respond at all.

Even I myself have experienced it. My car got broken in and I was required to report it to the police headquarter. I was first made to wait for approximately an hour, before one of the policemen brought me to a local mamak stall for supper. He proceeded to order himself a plate of curry rice with fish and squids… and requested me to treat him. I wasn’t very happy about that of course, having lost 20 over thousand bucks worth of belongings in a single break in… and still have to put up with this fucking stupid el-cheapo rip off from a policeman. I paid for his meal anyway, as it only costed me a few bucks, but it costed him his dignity.

There’s this video circling around the media right now… showing a policewoman in head scarf watching over a naked female detainee performing squat ups. This, is too much. I mean, why do they have to strip someone naked to perform a squat up? What’s with the squat up anyway? And why the fuck was there someone shooting a goddamn video? For entertainment? That’s sick and disgusting, man.

Their acts reminded me a lot of the Abu Ghraib abuse which our government had vehemently condemned. Pot calling kettle black. Our own law enforcement force just did the same thing. Somebody ought to do something now…

michaelooi  | rantings  | 26 Comments