Archive for 2005

May 24, 2005

cunt in action

I was having my lunch with Emily inside a restaurant yesterday, when something prompted for our attention outside the glass pane. It was a couple standing beside a confectionery, apparently with the girl looking very mad and the guy was trying patch things up.

As we’re being barricaded by the glass pane, I couldn’t make out what was happening there. But from my best guess, it wasn’t as simple him being caught ogling at some girls. It looked much more serious than that, you know… it’s like he had been caught humping the family goat or something. The girl was fuming.

We could actually see that the guy tried his best sucking up to her, but his mad girlfriend would just glower back at him … and indifferently look away. For a moment there, I felt for that guy. Like he already tried his best to boot back the relationship, but all he got was just a glower … nothing else. What the hell was that suppose to mean ? If she’s so freaking mad at him, she could have just bolted off to somewhere private (like the toilet) to cool herself down or something. But instead, she would just stand there trying to look mad … but refuse to engage in any attempt of confrontation. Like supposedly, her boyfriend’s able to read her mind!?

If there’s any disagreement at all, it should be handled in a civilized way — bring it out and have some talk. You want something, say it. You don’t act up some attitude. Solve the problem. Not just behave like a cunt and expect your boyfriend to do everything he can to patch things up.

The guy would continue to suck it up that bitch until finally, she whipped out her cellphone, called someone and stormed off the area. Probably felt the he wasn’t good enough at sucking up, called her fuck buddy for an emergency sex therapy and spent over the day contemplating whether she needed a replacement.

What a bitch. If I were to be in that guy’s shoes, I probably would have ignored her and invested my time to do something more important instead … like shopping for a loaf of bread or … entertain a cute looking credit card promoter…

michaelooi  | what I saw  | 16 Comments
May 23, 2005

kids are evil

I was munching a pack of nuts watching some ultraman show on TV when I was approached by my nephew. I never actually knew how old he is… but from what I reckoned, he must be about 4 – 5 years old (this is the elder brother of the kid who flashed me his underwear..). He just stood there quietly, all that while watching me pop those nuts into my mouth, totally ignoring him.

Of course I knew he wanted to have some of my nuts (lots of girls wanted them too)… but I figured that the kid ought to learn some amenities when it comes to asking something from someone. A concept of cause and effect. Like if he were to yell out loud demanding some nuts, he won’t get nuts. He would probably get whaled on his ass instead. Something like that …

So I continued to do what I was doing, totally ignoring him. After standing for about 20 seconds without progress, he finally decided to stretch out his palm as a gesticulation to ask for the nuts. Well, what more courtesy could I ask from a kid … I thought … so out of compassion, I put one little nut on his palm and gave him an “I’m nice” smile… which he hoovered it almost as immediately.

I then went back to my business of immersing myself in my childhood fantasy on TV … but at the corner of my eyes, I could see my nephew still standing there apparently with his palm still stretched out – totally distorting my concentration on the show. “More nuts” – he telepathically hinted me … and I placed another nut onto his palm to keep him content.

The process would repeat … you know… him asking for more and more nuts until the packet depleted to less than half the content, which I had to actually dig from the tight packet to feed that pre-kindergarten glutton. At one stage, his patience wore off and offered to save my troubles by digging the nuts himself.

Ok, being independent is good – I thought… and continued to share my nuts with him, which we alternately dug from the packet for about 5 – 6 cycles until there was only a quarter of them left. That was the time when it was getting really difficult for my relatively large hands to reach the bottom of the packet… and decided to tear the opening up for my convenience. But before I could do that, my nephew grabbed the entire packet and gave me an ‘assurance nod’ that he could do it FOR ME … which he had no trouble digging the content with his small hands.

But that was so stupid of me to let him grab that packet of nuts. Obviously, that guy knew no shit about keeping a promise … especially when it comes to leeching food from adults. I wasn’t expecting anything else but hope that there were still some nuts left when I snatched that packet back after pinning him down like those grunts in wrestlemania… But that small fragment of hope dashed utterly when his younger brother (yes, that underwear guy) appeared out of nowhere to join the pillage.

What happened next was totally indescribable. Let’s just say, they kinda mauled the whole packet like savage beasts and left the half torn wrapper on the floor … and resume back their usual activities (ie to mess the whole place up and squeal annoyingly…)

I was, in the end, left nutless to go with the TV show. Goddamn.

Kids nowadays are evil and parasitic in nature… hell, I can’t even eat some nuts in peace ! What can I hope of them when I’m old ??? Nothing… cheebye…. NOTHING.

michaelooi  | experiences  | 18 Comments
May 21, 2005

when i’m old

There you go again, my grandpa. I brought him dinner last night and again, he looked at me like I was some stray thug that came to steal his mangoes. I had to explain to him that I’m one of his daughter’s son and that I brought him his dinner – which only prevailed after a few tugs at his fossil brain cells.

Having gone through that lengthy introductory procedure, he then lamented about his old age problems as usual. You know, being old and having a failing memory, those self loathing type of shits. As I’ve already inured to his long winded ways, I would just nod in acknowledgment (in order not to provoke him to advance to his ‘historical lessons’ again – which I’ve already heard a few quadrillions of times).

But it’s of no good. He eventually did it nevertheless … reliving his heroic days in acute details, like how much money he paid for certain things 40 years ago (ironically, I can’t even remember exactly how much money I paid for my dining table 2 years ago… I think I’m worse than my grandpa) and many other tough shits that he had endured.

We (me and Emily) sat through the whole session of it… with myself kept thinking, would I become like this when I’m old ? Like telling my grandkids how I ruled the universe when I was young ? Would they still listen to me when they have countless of electronic wireless toys to play with ? Or since my memory’s worse than my grandpa at this relatively young age… would I still be able to remember the stories myself ?

Most likely not. 60 years from today will be very different. With all the hazardous heavy metal lingering in our air and infinite numbers of chemicals we consume from our processed food everyday, I reckon that probably I won’t be able to even remember if I had a dick (after being flaccid of old age for so many years), let alone to be able to recall my tales.

Probably that’s why this blog exists in the first place – to account all my stories, dreams and weird visions … so that I don’t have to remember all of them. I’ll just have to beam my grandkids a string of text of my URL to their email account –

“michaelooi.net – your grandfather’s stories inside. forward it to the next 10 people on your address book else your phone will self destruct in your pocket”

How cool is that.

michaelooi  | thoughts  | 10 Comments
May 19, 2005

“Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith” (2005)

It was a nice one. No doubt, was the best of all the 3 prequels and well worth the wait.

1) Storyline – was rich. From Anakin the sissy skinny boy to Darth Vader the cool hunk. And plenty of drama in between, all cramped into 2 something hours’ worth of screen time. I would say, it was more like a purge of diarrhea – short but full of real deals. (some part of the story actually got pretty skewed because of this…). Click “More” below.

2) Characters – colorful as always. From phallic headed Jedi members to clumsy transport lizards that resembled my colleague Elliot, the flick featured realistic looking creatures along with the usual main casts. My favorite character of all would definitely be – General Grievous. The 4 arm tuberculosis laden droid leader that has a penchant of collecting lightsabers of the Jedis he killed … (and a special mention of Princess Leia – NAKED)

3) Action – This episode has the most lightsaber duels of all the Star Wars flick. So much of them, that it got kinda boring at times. I was actually expecting a balance of both space battles and lightsaber duels… just like in Empire Strikes Back… but then, I’m not complaining.
There are like 5 duels in this flick alone :

Count Dooku vs Obiwan/Anakin
Mace Windu vs Darth Sidious
Yoda vs Darth Sidious
Obiwan vs General Grievous
Obiwan vs Darth Vader

And countless of scenes that involved ‘lightsabering’ as well. Of all the duels, the one that took the cake was between Obiwan vs General Grievous. During the duel, General Grievous frigging wielded 4 lightsabers ! … 2 held by his hind arms, and the other 2 rotating with his frontal hands like propellers (at front), razing through anything in its path. It was mind-blowingly badass.

4) Humor – A serious film you think it is. Not entirely. Some humour, it has. Those that I can recall
- a drone yelling out to a fellow drone to get back to work (and some really funny conversation) during the Chancellor rescue mission.
- a couple of wookies howled like Tarzan when they charge in for an attack at one of the clone ships.
- Sidious called Yoda “my little green friend” and zapped him against the wall like a mosquito. Yoda returned the favor by toppling Darth Sidious up on his feet with his Force (which made me laughed like a jackass…)
- Yoda’s quote of “…. disappear we must” cracked me up too – he was suggesting to Obiwan and Organa that they should go into exile.
many more.

5) Flaws – There were a few parts in the movie that didn’t seem to make a lot of sense to me.
- why did Darth Sidious sacrifice General Grievous before he declared a takeover of the republic ? He could have hinted Grievous about the impending attack led by Obiwan … and saved him from getting wasted. He would then have an extra skilled team member to help him rule the galaxy. *shrugs*
- at the end of the movie, there was a scene where Darth Sidious and Vader overlooking the construction of the first DeathStar. Considering the fact that the Deathstar was completed only in Ep IV (when Luke becomes a teenager), that means it actually took them almost 2 decades to complete it. The second (and bigger) DeathStar, as we knew of, significantly took much less time than that …. the timing’s questionable.
- there weren’t that much flippings in the rest of the episodes… but in this third installment, everyone seem to be able to flip like a Hong Kong red trouser stuntman. The flippings had a heavy Asian influence in it … and it looked kinda out of place in Star Wars. Hmmmm…
- and, about Yoda. This little dude needed a cane to help him walk. But when he was in the mood to participate in lightsaber orgies, he’d be able to leap like proboscis monkeys. Isn’t that ridiculous ? At least make him lose the cane…
- R2D2, the electronic dustbin seemed to be extremely agile and ‘dangerous’ in this episode. It had thrusters, the ability to hover at low heights, could JUMP out of the ship hull by itself… and even had the ability to spurt highly flammable slick as well. What the fuck ? If it could actually do all that, then why was it so dumb when being captured by that bevy of Ewoks in “A New Hope” ?
- I noticed that the Siths always use red colored light saber… but when Anakin Skywalker joined the club, he wasn’t given a red lightsaber… but would continue to use his old blue colored lightsaber. THIS IS NOT FAIR !

But all these were small issues that can be overlooked without sweat…

So there you have it. Star Wars Episode III sealing the deal. The transition was kinda smooth and everything was nicely set into place for A New Hope. It has been such a long time since I enjoyed a movie so much…
Read the rest of this entry »

michaelooi  | movie reviews  | 16 Comments
May 18, 2005

impromptu terrorism

I’ve had enough with those belligerent housewife security guards. I do not know what’s the problem with them. Why can’t they just be more professional like they should ? Why do they have to treat as if we’re some practice target for their menopausal maladies ?

So today, I devised a plan to retaliate against their ill deeds. Well, not exactly a plan but sort of like a tactical rush of idea of what I can do given a set of circumstances. And the circumstances I’m talking about is the vulnerability of them housewife to whiff something unpleasant from us. That’s right, the brilliant idea of safe retaliation by gassing them up at their checkpoint. It’ll be awesome.

But I had a problem. It seemed that I did not actually have the vital ingredients at that particular moment. I tried to push my bowel but it was a vain effort. I couldn’t simply postpone the attack, I might forget all about it after today and will never get to redeem the justice of my co-workers. And that was when I guide myself to align with the Force … I closed my eyes when I came down from the elevated scanning platform to collect my rummaged belongings…

I felt it seeping into my body caressing my intestines hard like a Reebok air pump, gradually building up the pressure, I was inches away from achieving my genocidal objective. With that, I wrung my final ounce of strength to exert the mayhem of curry chicken gravy (that I had for lunch? hhehehyeah) … and finally ripped a silent killer fart right before I bailed the place.

It was a fantabulous experience, considering that this actually happened out of nothing at all.

I never got to see those drones choke though… as I did not stay around to watch. (only dolts stay at the place they bombed). But I reckoned it wasn’t as lethal as I had hoped for because I wasn’t really prepared. A well planned lethal dose should smell something like fermented broccoli blended with semi digested shallot soup, topped with gobs of bloated AK47 durian fruit. You get the idea.

Perhaps I should start drafting the real “plan” now…

michaelooi  | experiences  | 13 Comments