There’s something that I have been wanting to tell you people… I think I have a dual personality. There’s this “good me” and the “bad me”. For most of the time, I am this “good me”. Helping people, being obeisant, altruistic, talk to the plants… you get the idea. But at times when you least expect bad things to happen, wham! I’ll turn into this “bad me”. Spontaneously.

Testament to my claims, look at my past entries. Geez. Those are just a small part of the whole thing. It’s hard to believe some of the stuffs that I did when I was being the “bad me”. Stuffs that I never thought of wanting to do nor dreamt of doing. And sometimes, these acts would literally put my life in danger… which was always totally out of the plan.

Just like what happened a few months ago when I was hanging out at my workplace corridor with my buddy Wilson. I was being this “good me” of course… until I saw this really big chick coming out from the office – that beckoned me to transform into the “bad me”.

Well, we see these “big people” (translated as goddamn motherfucking fat asses) all the time. No big deal. Most people would just get stone-assed at their lardy significance and move on. But not for the “bad me”. The “bad me”, would start to jump around and pull some inappropriate stunts in front of that blimp chick – as a WWF pro-wrestler. Pretending that I’m headbutting some grunts with my colossal head and elbow-choke him with my mighty arms. All that? To hint at that blimp chick that she’s fucking BIG and she looks like a pro-wrestler.

But I was very lucky that she wasn’t smart enough to catch the sarcasm that day, else I would have been REALLY headbutted and elbow-choked by that human whale. No shit. And even more luckier than that, the rest of the gawkers happened to witness the whole thing and started to laugh like hyenas having a stroke. Man, those fuckers ought to stop me from doing the despicable act… but instead? they laughed. Talking about looking out for your friends.

So, you see, I sometimes would act like a dick without realizing it. That would be the time you know that the “bad me” has taken over my bodily control. It’s not of my fault. The real me, is a nice person. Hence, if one day, I happen to grope your tit, spank your ass or do something that’s totally insane? just forgive me.

For I, was just being the “bad me”. Which isn’t the real me at all. Have a nice day.

Someone tried to call me while I was away from my desk last Friday. I knew that because my answering machine registered a few blank messages made by some outside calls. I had no idea who it was, as my ID recognition cache pointed to a bogus number. Probably some n00b who doesn’t know how to leave a message, I thought… and went on doing my stuffs.

About 10 minutes later, my phone rang. I picked the phone up and was greeted by an unfamiliar female voice. She introduced herself and went about telling me that she has been trying in vain to reach me. Apparently, this girl was in some trouble (picking up somebody’s shit)… and she needed my enlightenment about the whole thing. (I was involved because I’m femes… yeah bebeh).

Normally… under such circumstances, I would just ask the person to sod off (since it’s not my problem) and figure the problem herself. But this time, I somehow relented and took the trouble to guide the poor little girl to the right path. The reason? I was hypnotized. That’s right. Hypnotized by her unique voice.

It was deep and matured… with a tinge of mesmerizing coarseness that was out of this world. Her speech was not only concise, but was also articulate and naturally fluent. She’s smoooooooth talking like that and her voice was pleasing to the ears. And the most impressive thing about this girl was, she knew the right words to beckon for one’s sympathy and yet, managed to remain professionally calm at the same time. (unlike some skanky bitch who would go mental on the phone over the smallest of matter). She’s a living masterpiece.

I was captivated by the grace of her linguistic awesomeness and couldn’t help but to imagine how she’d look like on the other side of the line. Average height, straight long hair, fair complexion, phoenix-sharp eyes, firm round ass, pink nipples… Probably dons a pair of decent looking jeans matched with a white T-shirt (OMFG, white T-shirts are so goddamn sexayyyy SCREAM!!!). A common looking girl with an aura of special charm that one could feel, not see. Something like that.

But unfortunately, that will just remain as a hallucination projected by my imaginative mind. I’ll never get to find out how she actually looks like. Not that it’s a bad thing though… because more often than not, the truth can be pretty disappointing. You see, I’ve had enough bad experiences to fucking assure you this, a person’s voice may not necessary conform to his/her looks. And vice versa.

Like there was one time I made an appointment with a receptionist at a German factory for a meeting with an engineer? I was kinda expecting the floral-sweet voice to be of some cute Malay girl’s… but that person turned out to be a hirsute Punjabi blimp with a thicket of beard. I almost died of stroke that day.
And then there was once I flagged down a tall burly waiter at a nasi kandar outlet to place my order, when he fidgeted me with his pussy voice – which sounded just like that Malay-language-dubbed Doraemon voice on TV. I almost died trying not to laugh at that poor guy.

So, as you can see, it is probably best for me to remember her as that imaginary charming phoenix-eyed girl… instead of some pockmark faced shapeshifter that smells like a sewer rat with genital warts.

Reality can never be that beautiful.