Archive for 2005

July 13, 2005

composition III

Pak Gundu sedang berjoging ketika dia terdengar akan sesuatu denguran yang menganggukan. Macamlah ada binatang buas yang berdekatan, Pak Gundu terus pergi menyiasat di sekitarnya… dan ternampak sekumpulan bebudak yang sedang mengorek siput di tepi pantai.

“Oh, hanyalah budak-budak… ingatkan lembu pulak…”. Tapi, Pak Gundu telah melakukan kesilapan yang besar – yang budak-budak sekarang tidak minat korek siput lagi. Mereka lebih rela bayar duit saku kepada kedai-kopi internet untuk melayar laman lucah … ataupun sekurang-kurangnya bermain permainan video di rumah.

Tanpa merasa apa-apa keganjilan, Pak Gundu memutuskan untuk bertegur sapa dengan sekumpulan budak itu. Baik juga sekiranya dapat beli siput mereka dengan murah… Maka Pak Gundu pun berjalanlah ke arah kumpulan budak tersebut. Tetapi, apabila dia berada kira-kira beberapa meter dari kumpulan itu, dia ternampak beberapa ekor kerinting menganjur keluar daripada belakang punggung mereka.

Pelik… dan pada ketika itulah, salah seorang daripada budak itu menoleh ke belakang … dan Pak Gundu terus terperanjat sambil meneriak “MAA CHEEBYE !!! BABI !!!”. Ya. “Kumpulan budak” yang Pak Gundu nampak … bukanlah manusia spt yang disangkakannya … tapi sekumpulan babi liar.

Dengan tidak melengahkan masa, Pak Gundu terus lari lintang-pukang, sambil menjerit tolong. Jeritan Pak Gundu secara tidak langsung telah menarik perhatian babi-babi tersebut … dan mereka terus mengejarnya (maklumlah, jeritan Pak Gundu macam babi betina yang inginkan seks…)

Pak Gundu terus berlari dengan sekuat hatinya ke arah hutan yang berdekatan… menjalah pelbagai halangan tumbuh-tumbuhan berduri macam bintang olimpik… dengan sekumpulan babi-babi berahi tersebut berkejar panas di belakang.

“Ohhh !! Matilah aku !!” Pak Gundu mula panik, yang dia tidak mungkin akan berlari dengan selama-lamanya. Kakinya telah kebas dan dia telah kehilangan hampir kesemua tenaganya (termasuk tenaga sampingan tongkat ali-nya…). Ketika dia telah mula untuk melepaskan segala harapannya, tiba-tiba, dia ternampak sesuatu objek yang berkedut di hadapannya.

Apakah kongkek benda tu ?? Sekali imbas, nampak macam seketul halia saiz manusia … dua kali imbas, nampak macam mumia Mesir berkedut yang dia selalu nampak dalam rangkaian Discovery di Astro … Pak Gundu tidak menghiraukan lagi. Dia terus menjerit minta tolong … lebih baik berdepan dengan mumia daripada dirogol dek babi-babi jahanam tu … Pukimak cheebye betuih.

Tidak tahulah, apakah masalah Pak Gundu pada hari itu… sekali lagi, dia tersilap. Objek itu, bukanlah apa-apa halia ataupun mumia seperti yang disangkakannya … tapi seorang nenek kebayan yang sedang mandi bogel di tepi sungai.

“Opocot !!! Lelaki gila seks !!!” Nenek kebayan itu menjerit.

Pak Gundu yang hampir tersekat nafas itu … cuba untuk menenangkan orang tua itu… sambil menunjuk-nunjukkan ke arah belakangnya. “Ba ba babi !…”. Tapi nenek tersebut, ingat Pak Gunduk memanggilnya “Bebeh…” – bahasa orang putih yang bermaksud “perempuan ku…”. Terasa dihina oleh Pak Gundu, nenek kebayan itu terus membaca mentera hindustan saktinya :

“Teri maa ki chut mein chatri leke hgus jaunga aur khol dunga !”

Dan Pak Gundu terus rebah ke lantai tidak sedarkan diri… dan seterusnya, dikongkek bertubi-tubi dek kumpulan babi itu.

Sejak hari itulah, Pak Gundu bersumpah yang dia tidak akan pergi berjoging sepanjang hidupnya. Biar gemuk, asalkan buntut tidak remuk.

*****
Just felt like flexing my Malay tonight. Feel free to correct my language…

*thanks to drliew for a few pointers on some of the words… His Bee Em is damn solid…

michaelooi  | imaginations  | 39 Comments
July 12, 2005

magic poke

Have you ever faced a situation where you wished that your spouse would tell you the truth – like when you asked her if you’re a good boyfriend/husband ?

“No you’re not. You always fucking stick in front of your stupid computer and evolve there. You love your computer more than anything else.”

Ohhh… we all know that’s a pure blatant lie. Alright, we guys may have spent a little bit more time in front of the screen but that doesn’t justify the fact that we don’t love anything else other than computers … No shit.

If that happens, it means that we gotta do something about it before the matter escalates from bad to worse. Who knows, our lying bitch might set a bad example that warps the ecosystem … and the next thing we know, our dog would falsely accuse us of practicing some animal cruelty shit for giving it a piece of stale beef for lunch… What the fuck man !

But worry not. We can also do the “magic poke of truth” – which I’m gonna teach you guys how to use it. All you need is a finger (I’m sorry but, since the maneuver is heavily dependent on your finger[s] … I’m sad to disclaim that … No, this trick is not applicable for disabled people who don’t have fingers…)

All you gotta do is to standby with your finger when you ask your spouse the question :

“Dear … am I a good husband/boyfriend ?”

“No you’re n…”

Alright, don’t let her finish that line of bluffing fart. Use your finger, and poke below her underarms or right at her ribs. Unless your spouse’s a corpse, she should react with a few jerks from the tickle… and that’s when you ask again with a firm and steady voice :

“what was that again ? Am I a good husband/boyfriend ?”

“No you’re n…”

She needs another poke.

“Would you please repeat that again ?”

“NooOOOO… You’re n… [cackles]”

Both hands. 10 fingers. You should be sweating from all the actions of tickling her … and ask repeatedly

“Am I a good husband/boyfriend ? Am I a good husband/boyfriend ? Am I a good husband/boyfriend ?”

Keep tickling until she finally reveals the truth

“HAHHHHHHHHAHHHH .. OKKKKK … I GIVE UP !!! YES YOU ARE A GOOD HUSBAND/BOYFRIEND!!!! AHHHHHAHHAH”

There you go. The magic poke of truth. Works like a charm.
You’re welcome.

*warning, don’t do this to your dog unless you favor of getting bitten by a four legged badass animal or a jab of tetanus shot …

michaelooi  | enlightenments  | 15 Comments
July 11, 2005

‘nice’ people

Some very nice people I met through the weekend …

*****

Emily & I just had our dinner and decided to hit Watson’s to shop for some stuff. We walked in, got what we want and came to a short queue of payout. There was a couple before us and we could see that the cashier was already checking their goods (sanitary napkins and other shits).

But halfway through her checkout, the girl suddenly strayed off from the cashier to check out some shampoos on a shelf nearby. She gesticulated the cashier to ‘wait..wait’. Thought that she just had an item missing, the cashier complied and waited.

A few minutes passed, but she was still standing there unable to decide which shampoo she liked best. The whole store was waiting for that bitch… to decide whether her fucking shampoo contains any PH balanced biochemical that could somehow rid her of those blood sucking afids on her hair… or whether it smelled any nicer than her yuppie boyfriend’s protein enriched pubic sweat glands …

The queue then grew longer, and there were impatient sighs around the store. That was when the cashier decided to call out for the bitch to pay for her items first and deal with her shampoo later. With an annoyed expression, the bitch stomped back to the cashier, paid for her pads and left. No she didn’t buy any shampoo.

*****

I was driving along an expressway and wanted to make a turn into a left ramp a few hundred meters ahead. I put on my left turn indicator and pulled into this left-turn lane.

But my advance was hindered by this rickety small motorcycle, ridden by this corpulent Malay guy who was approximately twice the size of his junk. He was doing real slow and was hogging right in the middle of that left lane.

Not wanting to instigate any fright to the guy, I gave him a friendly honk – a slight brush to my air horn button that produced a less louder version of my badass honk – you know, as a courteous way to tell him to “GET THE FUCK OUT OF THE WAY !”. But instead of complying to my request, that fat dude turned his head to glower at me as if I’ve sodomized his daughter and deliberately rode slower in front of my car.

I almost hit him as a result of that … and this time, I decided to ‘act panic’ and yanked my air horn to its full fledged glory and filled that fat motherfucker’s eardrum with a sharp blare. He reacted with a jolt and swerved his motorcycle to the left almost hitting the pedestrian walk. That was when I took the opportunity to overtake and glowered back through my passenger seat window.

He had this furious look on his face and was yelling something at me – which I reckoned must be profanities at his best. But too bad, I couldn’t hear him… and I showed him an internationally acclaimed middle-finger sign… leaving him swerving in and out of the lane trying to regain his balance from the sonic damage my car had inflicted on him … his mouth still jabbering unheard profanities…

*****

I was doing 110kph on the highway overtaking some mules on my left, when I noticed a car came storming very fast from behind me. It was highlighting all the vehicles that was in its way and I quickly pulled back into the left lane (after the overtaking). Right about a couple seconds after that… the fast car went past me. It was a heavily modified black Proton Iswara.

From what I reckoned, he must be doing at least 160kph … and it was not slowing down despite that there were plenty of cars on the overtaking lane after I had pulled in. That was when I uttered to Emily – “Omg, that car’s gonna rear the back of that car !”

It almost did. The next car was a bit tardy reacting to that Iswara’s highlighting and it was a close shave. That Iswara got away and disappeared out of our sight. Somehow disappointed, I exclaimed “Well, it’s just a matter of time”.

Sure enough, right after a slight bend on the highway, I saw some broken pieces of bumpers and plastics littered on the tarmac like chicken guts … and that light speed Iswara wrecked by the side of the road. It appeared that it had plowed into another vehicle and the driver was getting down to negotiate (or something).

“See ? Told ya.” I quipped to Emily.

Somehow, that Iswara dipshit didn’t realize that HE HAS TO BRAKE if his highlighting doesn’t get his obstacles out of his way.

*****

A testament of intellectual decadence in the society. These people ought to be tied, shot and had their cold dead body dumped into the sea as reclamation debris. That is the least way they can do to contribute for the good of the people.

michaelooi  | traffic shit  | 20 Comments
July 7, 2005

fatal exception error

I was with a newly hired female engineer inside my lab getting some stuff done when I saw our technician John (a 6 ft tall, 200 over lbs bloke), came sashaying into the lab. He was wearing that relieved look – you know, eyes half closed with a wide satisfactory grin on his face. As if he had just cummed from a month’s worth of sex stint.

I instantly recognized that look. It was the same look I have after a satisfying dump. It is a sensation beyond words… and is known to be some sort of mystical mood enhancer.

He sauntered into the lab with that leisurely gait, until I greeted him loudly (in Hokkien) right in the middle of the lab :

An chua John ? Pangsai aa ?” [translation : “How’s everything John ? Had a good dump ?”]

He flashed me a satisfactory smile, rubbing his humongous pot with his hand and said :

AHHHHHHHHHHHH… KAU GIAK SONNGGGGGGGG AHHH !!” [translation : “AHHHHHHHHHHHH…THE FEELING WAS ECSTATIC !!”]

It was an expression that basically told us that his shit was probably the size of an asteroid and he enjoyed getting his asshole chafed inside out by that colossal space dildo VERY MUCH.

In case you don’t realize, bantering like this is a fairly common thing among us guys … but not quite so when there are ladies around. Especially those whom you do not know well.

But John was a bit loud that day (plus, he didn’t notice the presence of our visitor because she was kinda obscured by the lab benches). His voice reverberated across the lab like he’s asking for old newspapers through a loudspeaker… and that lady engineer heard the whole thing. (and that was also the same time John discovered about her presence)

Almost instantly, I could see John’s face turn into beet red with a dumbfucked expression on his face. If his situation were to be likened to a personal computer system failure – his failure mode would be FATAL EXCEPTION ERROR. The lady engineer tried to stifle from laughing but, she eventually broke out a soundless cackle…

I, in the meanwhile, threw myself onto a nearby bench to support my seizure … while watching John scoot into his seat like a stiff corpse trying to bury himself from his own embarrassment. It took me a while to gain my composure to walk again, got the lady out of the lab (her job’s done) and finally to full-scale compliment John on his new found fame – The kid who enjoyed getting shagged by his own shit

John gave a gratitude speech in return … which was “LE MAH LEH !!!!!” [translation : a compliment to my mom]

michaelooi  | happenings  | 11 Comments
July 6, 2005

proton savvy comments

I posted my view about Proton Savvy a while ago… and apparently, there were some hardcore Proton supporters getting flustered about my review and decided to uphold the justice by posting some nasty comments on my blog. Here are what they wrote (and my reply along with them…):

~~~

Yao commented :
if u guys r fucking rich, then go for better car but if u don’t…
not all malaysian r rich!!!
the price, i think suit with the quality and even cheap for a car with TUV approval..!!
myvi only approve by Peordua ma…
myvi just better designed than savvy but performance, quality and safety i dont think so…!!
their using that fucking old kelisa n kembara engine..!!
their using old tech and systems man..!!
THINK malaysian!!!

My reply to him/her/whatever :
yao – What’s the difference with TUV or whatever fuck approval ? The car’s ugly and expensive. Period.

And in case you believed that retarded advertisement, well… don’t. That’s because you’re gonna fucking die anyway hitting a tree or a garbage truck. TUV or not.

~~~

Lion commented :
savvy car is much beter and your rewieu is fucking bad

My reply to him/her/whatever :
Hmmppfff… yeah. A “savvy car” is definitely much “beter” and my … excuse me… “rewieu” is fucking bad ? Get some education, moron.

~~~

shaiful abdullah commented :
fuck u all…….bitchy bitch…..go fuck urself…fucking hell…u all just suck….go fuck ur motherfucker in law!

My reply to him :
Awwwwww… how sad. You must have paid the deposit for a Proton Savvy. Why are you so fucking stupid ? Now you can choose to cancel your car, or live with that fucking piece of disaster for the rest of your miserable life.

~~~

king of the road commented :
if any one have ever drive a savvy. whay are you so stupid. i have a savvy . the interior of car is very impresive. renault clio is the best selling model in evrope and sohc renault engine is beter than mvyi.
all in this forum are idiots

My reply to him/her/whatever :
king of the road – let’s see who’s the idiot.

1) you have a savvy and we think savvy sucks. (idiot = you)

2) you think cheap plastics are good and you don’t even know how to spell impressive to describe your thrill… (idiot = you)

3) You think Savvy rawks because Renault Clio is the best seller in “evrope”. I think you’re an idiot … so … idiot = you.

4) This is not a forum. This is a motherfucking BLOG. Know what’s a blog dumbass ? (idiot = you)

No wonder you bought that garbage Savvy. It suits your character.

~~~

There you go. And there are a few gentlemen (one even claimed to be a Proton salesman !) that vented their disapproval about Proton Savvy … which I find to be quite interesting.
You can follow the comments here.

michaelooi  | mails/posts  | 53 Comments