Archive for 2005

July 21, 2005

best way to torture a cat

What’s the best way to torture a cat ?

– Look for a cage big enough to fit a cat. Bind up cat. Then spread some wasabi or whatever hottest chilli pepper sauce you can find at every part of the darn cat where the sun don’t shine. Once done, release cat inside the cage. Cat’s gonna lick off the hot stuff and combust. (may even replace the hot stuff with laxatives). Laugh.

– Go to the nearest Indian toddy store and purchase the cheapest and most contraband alcohol beverage available. Bind cat’s limbs with wires or duct tape. Pry open the feline’s mouth. Pour the booze into cat’s mouth (half a glass will do). Wait for 15 minutes. Release the cat. Watch it puke.

– Get some assload of firecrackers. Blindfold and bind the cat up with a rope. Then confine it in a quiet dark room. At every 30 minutes’ interval or so, light a firecracker near the cat to freak it out. Release the cat after 24 hours’ worth of “psychotherapy”.

– Get a big cage and a dog. Preferably, a savage dog that discriminates cats – a pitbull or something. Muzzle up the dog so that it won’t be able to bite anything. Dump cat into the same cage as that racist dog … Observe live wrestling. Laugh.

– Simply tie the fucker cat up on a lamp post or something. With a toothpick, tickle the cat’s ear (notice how it’s ear twitches each time you do that). Now do this straight for a few hours. That cat’s gonna get so pissed.

– Buy plenty of rubber bands. Cross weave it into a length of strong elastic rope (approximately 2 meters will do). Climb up to a pedestrian bridge or a few storeys up a building. Make sure feline is completely bound up, you do not want to hurt yourself with their nasty claws. Tie rubber rope to feline’s hind legs (make sure it’s tight and secure). Tie the other end of rope to a stable structure – a concrete beam or something. Bungee the cat down from the height. Laugh.

– Look for a big sized garbage bag. Poke many holes (about the size of a golf ball) on the bag. This is to let the cat breathe… Then, again, tie the cat up (man, this is like a routine already if you really want to fucking torture a cat. Cats are dangerous when provoked so, better tie it up). Dump cat into garbage bag. Then, go eat some durian, petai, spring onions, raw potato or broccoli. Once gas is built up in your tummy, fart into the plastic bag. To improve efficiency, invite friends to fart.

– [I learnt this torture from Animal Planet from Jeff Corwin i think…]. Make sure cat is securely bound. You need a pressured tap water source connected to a hose and a couple of guys to help you out. Now ask the guys to pin the cat down and have its mouth pried open. With the tip of your index finger, pressure out the running water from the hose and shoot it into the cat’s open mouth. Blast everything inside as if you’re cleaning a clogged drain. Then pour its content out. You’ll get to see what the cat has eaten for the past 12 hours… (hell, that’s what scientists do to the crocs).

I feel much better now…
Update Dec 2015 : Cat karma

michaelooi  | imaginations  | 41 Comments
July 19, 2005

“Fantastic Four” (2005)

Empat baguih. Fantastic Four that is… watched it last weekend. What do I think of it ? Well, not as ‘fantastic’ as I’ve anticipated. Or to be more direct, it’s boring. I don’t know if it’s me but, the movie’s kinda frivolous and the actors were goofy.
They made
– “The Thing” too short and looked like he’s made of wads of unkneaded roti canai dough (man, that thing was supposed to be gigantic and rock solid !).
– “Mr Fantastic” like Jeff Goldblum in ID4.
– “Human Torch” like a gay bloke that loves extreme sports.
– “Dr Doom” like some kid in a Halloween costume (which, looks not like a doctor at all, but more like a metrosexual bloke that trims his eyebrows)
– “Invisible girl” like a … lap dancer ? Ok, she’s alright.

For the first 3 quarters of the movie, I struggled to put up with the somehow stodgy storyline which seemed to last forever. It had the same formula like most superheroes movie, you know … a bunch of normal individuals discovering themselves bestowed with superpowers after an accident that involved a shitload amount of radioactive exposure …

Which, makes me ponder a bit, aren’t these messages kinda misleading ? It sort of paints an impression to the kids that radioactive are cool stuffs that could alter one’s DNA into some super being with a chiseled good looking body that also gives you supernatural powers… Man, if only they knew about the real thing. If only they knew that radioactivity mutates not only your DNA but your physical cells as well … and you’ll be looking like no He-Man nor She-Ra … but some biological piece of walking beef patty that couldn’t even pronounce ‘horlicks’ properly…

The finale wasn’t that impressive either … The battle was short and poorly choreographed. There weren’t any thrilling effects because they looked so cliche, after getting accustomed to all those mind blowing graphics in the past blockbusters.

I’d say, this movie would be better off as a 3D animated cartoon instead… or was there already ? Yes, “The Incredibles”. Though it was clearly a rip off from the more original Fantastic Four, but “The Incredibles” was waaaaaaaaaay much more entertaining than “Fantastic Four”. Hands down.

If you have yet to watch this movie, well, don’t. It’s not worth the money (even for a pDVD).

michaelooi  | movie reviews  | 8 Comments
July 18, 2005

ho-late

I bought a glass of Horlicks in the cafeteria (if you do not know what is ‘Horlicks’, well… keep up the good work) and headed to the cashier for payout

Cashier : “Apa tu ?”

Me : “Horlicks”

Cashier : “Ho-late ya ?”

Me : “Err… Horlicks”

Cashier : “Ho-late ?”

Me : “Horrrrrrlickssssss”

Cashier : “Itu Ho-late kan ?”

Me : “Ok ok … Ho-late… Ho-late…”

Cashier : “Lapan puluh sen.”

The cashier was a young Malay lady.

michaelooi  | dialogs  | 20 Comments
July 15, 2005

my umpteenth hate mail

I’ve never published any of my hate mails before… let this be the first (and my reply with it…)

From: Khaled Mohammed [mailto:demonsweep@yahoo.com]
Sent: Friday, July 15, 2005 3:19 AM
To: michaelooi[dot]net@gmail.com
Subject: Yo Bitch!!

Hey Buddy, seems like u have experiences with sewer pipes. I don’t care about that, but don’t you EVER TALK ABOUT BANGLA LIKE U DID AT UR STINKIN BLOG!!!!!!!!!!!!! If u do, i’ll consider u as a godddamed motherfucken cocksucken bitch-ass pervert. Or are you already….?

My reply to the Defender of Bangla

From: michael ooi [mailto:michaelooi[dot]net@gmail.com]
Sent: Friday, July 15, 2005 10:24 PM
To: ‘Khaled Mohammed’
Subject: RE: Yo Bitch!!

Banglas suck dicks. They rank like a motherfucking rotten pig carcass. Sue me.

If you have so much time to kill, go take a bath or something. Or shop for something called ‘deodorant’. You guys have the motherfuckest body odor from hell.

michaelooi  | mails/posts  | 17 Comments
July 14, 2005

the doggie guide

I suddenly came up with an idea of a shopping guide to AnnElle today (AnnElle’s one of my colleagues with big tits). It all started when I saw her wearing this really ridiculous long skirt … which I then commented could retard her agility.

I asked her to imagine, if she were to be chased by a slobbering mad dog … she’s gonna have a lot of problems running or climbing a tree/gate with that skirt on.

“Who said I’m gonna run ? I’m afraid of no dog! I could just kick the dog’s ass like nothing!”

Yeah, she’s a taekwondo black belt holder. Like it matters to a kooky dog … let alone to face the coincidence of it being a big ass dog … like a Rottweiler or something. The dog’s gonna bite her tits indiscriminately… black belt or not. I tell you, the best defense out there is to fucking run.

So, it all comes back to the question – is your attire ergonomic ? Yeah fucking hell… a lot of your clothes (yes, ladies … YOU) are expensive… look damn sexy and are made from the skin of an elephant’s placenta – it doesn’t fucking matter. But does it allow you to run ? Climb ?

Of course I’m not referring solely to situations like getting yourself chased by a pack of rabid dogs. That’s just a simple example. It could be something else that’s way more complex than you can think of … like being chased by some psychotic killer or to climb on ladders during a fire… shits like that.

So how do you know if your clothes are safe ? Most likely, you girls won’t be able to figure the difference. But worry not. You can remind yourself of ‘the doggie guide’. It’s the most practical and imaginable guide one can ever have … and the situation is good enough to emulate any similar predicaments you might face in reality.

Just, each time when you’re buying a pair of blouse, jeans or whatever, make it a habit to imagine you’re being chased by a dog when you’re wearing that item… and ask yourself –

“Am I gonna be able to run wearing this ?”
“If yes, is it going to be any faster than THAT dog ?”

If there’s a ‘NO’ in any of your questions, don’t buy it. If you’re not sure, just fit yourself in that blouse/skirt/pants/etc and take a run around that area and decide (hey, there’s no ruling that you can’t do that !)
*the author recommends wearing miniskirts and singlets, coupled with a pull-me thong and a spandex sports bra … as they’re the most practical for situations like that …

That way, you sort of eliminated the possibility of putting your own life in danger in case you’re in a real bad luck – by being more cautious in what you buy/wear.

You’re welcome.

michaelooi  | enlightenments  | 12 Comments