No doubt that my workplace is plagued with dimwits. People with intelligence less than their own shits. I don’t know if they’re born like that or they’re just plain lazy to think, but they all have one thing in common – they make our lives difficult.

As if our constant grief with our ever stagnant wage is not enough, these people are here to ruin our shit to a deeper level… like rubbing salt into our ailing wounds. They’ll make ridiculous requests, they’ll create problems for you to rectify, hell… they’re everywhere just to make sure that you’re one bit closer to hell on earth.

I’ve noticed that most of these dopes are fresh graduates. Man, they’re supposed to be smart and stuffs, or at least “technically” ready for whatever challenges that await them in their brand new career. But unfortunately, no. Most freshies nowadays, they don’t seem to be able to think properly. I don’t fucking know if this is due to the chlorine in our water (read this somewhere)… or is it the cow’s milk they’ve been fed by their parents. Just… they tick you off up to a level where you’d feel like killing them.

So, what do I do ? I can’t do anything else but to help these people to grow a brain… give them a hint or two about how things work on this planet… Hence, I’ve prepared a crude list of “corporate integrity guidelines” here … hopefully would bind their wits altogether. They should come in handy no matter where you are or what you’re doing …

– Plan your meetings. Want to look for someone for a discussion ? Well, call the fuck up to make an appointment in advance ! Not everyone’s as free as your fat ass ! You’ll need to let people know that you’re gonna cause them some inconveniences. Make them expect you. This is not a vice raid in some prostitution coop !

– Help people to help you. When you’re escalating issues for help, always fucking remember to gather your facts/data prior doing that ! You can’t expect someone else to deign whatever fuck you want with just an email embellished with your ever-so-powerful-3-letter-word “FYI”. And no, your big tits won’t help either. Everyone’s a bitch inside the corporate email directory.

– Use your brain. Think logically. You don’t bitch about the fingerprint scanner not working when you’re pressing the scanner with your fingertip. You don’t capture video clips of something that doesn’t move when you have a still camera. You don’t shit in your pants when all the toilet booth has been taken up. Just… use… your… brain.

– Have some manners. Yeah fart face. That’s you and your damned ego. Nobody gives a shit if you’re used to command your Indonesian maid to give you a blowjob. You want something from me ? Ask nicely. Else, I’m gonna have to politely ask you to … FUCK OFF !! (‘politely’ because I’m not boorish like you, motherfucker)

– Don’t misuse technology. Sometimes, speed of sound can be faster than the speed of light. Like, it can be much more faster to just haul your ass up your chair and fucking TALK… instead of sending emails asking someone who’s just a couple of desks away… and start blaming everyone when your mail isn’t read at expected time. And also, nobody’s interested to know if you’re thankful to your mongoloid boss after he has shagged your hairy ass … so quit copying your email to the whole world.

– Summarize your craps. Nobody wants to read your bullshits in a 5 paged email. Like if I have the time to read something, do you reckon that I’m gonna frigging spend all my time reading your boring office stuffs ? Dream on. So, if you want anyone’s attention through email, it better be short and terse. Or you can eat shit and die.

– Groom yourself. This is not related to your intelligence… but rather, something that might make me paint a false impression on you. Just… if there are hairs protruding from your nostril, REMEMBER TO FUCKING TRIM THEM !!! It’s disturbing to see it sticking out like that !!!!

The list is infinity… but these are the prime ones that could prevent you from hitting a boner on your first day/month/year of work.

You’re welcome.