Archive for 2005

September 24, 2005

moonrock

In 1934, my grandpa found a really weird looking piece of “rock” when he was looking for firewood in some forest at Teluk Intan (back then, he was just a teenager). This “rock”, is greenish in color … and when being seen through a bright source of light, it’s kinda luminescent. It is about the size of a Tat Seng flip-flop sandal and is quite heavy.

Figuring that this might be something of value, my grandpa immediately took the rock to a nearby Chinese pawn shop to ask for an evaluation. But the pawn shop operator dismissed my grandpa off saying that it’s a worthless piece of “rock”. Disappointed, my grandpa took the “rock” home, kept it in a wooden box (because he thinks it’s unique) and forgotten all about it.

And some 30 years later, when my grandpa was spring cleaning his old stuffs, he stumbled into this unique “rock” again. Feeling inclined to find out what it really was, my grandpa took this rock to his best friend (who’s a gem smith) for another look … and after a careful study at the details of the “rock’s” characteristics, his friend concluded that the piece of “rock” appeared to be a rare piece of Burmese moonrock jade.

Rare because it is naturally flat, and it has all the vital features that a gem collector would look for. And that friend of my grandpa took that piece of rare gem for an evaluation of price … and the first bid from a keen collector was at about RM400,000! But grandpa didn’t sell it… but kept it instead… as he believed that this piece of jade would bring him good fortune.

Today, this piece of jade sits inside my grandpa’s vault and if he were to sell it off today, it probably would have fetched RM1.2 million with no sweat.

Here’s the picture of that gem.

*more detailed pictures & composition in extended section below…*
Read the rest of this entry »

michaelooi  | nonsense  | 28 Comments
September 22, 2005

the tragic corridor

There’s this corridor of death at my workplace. It is named as such because nobody actually likes it. It is long and narrow, and it can hardly fit 2 pedestrians walking side by side. As if it’s not bad enough, there are also approximately half dozen of rooms adjacent to it … and you can imagine how complicated things can get :

1) whenever there’s a blimp the size of a garbage truck trudging down this corridor, the whole stretch of route will turn into one way direction only.

2) whenever a meeting dismisses, the whole place would be congested like there’s a rock concert right in the middle of the office.

3) whenever someone’s holding his/her cup of favorite beverage and exit from one of the rooms (which is a pantry) into the corridor, spill accidents are bound to happen.

You get the idea.

And then, there’s this part right at the middle of this corridor, that branches to the lavatories. It has a short vestibule leading towards 3 rooms – the gents, ladies and unfortunates. Now this area, is a very famous “kawasan kemalangan” (accident prone zone). More often than not, you’ll get people colliding into each other when one’s rushing for a leak and the other ambling out from a relief.

For most of us who are already familiar with the corridor, we would just practice extra caution whenever we walk past this spot. You wouldn’t want to accidentally walk into a bloke or something. That’s just plain gay.

But 2 days ago, I’ve forgotten to be careful. That’s because I was very close to wetting my pants and all my bodily functions were basically controlled by my bladder. I was walking very fast approaching that corner… and was already starting to hallucinate an urinal right in front of me. Then suddenly… WHAM ! No I didn’t collide into anything. Well… almost.

It was a pair of tits belonged to a tomboy… that appeared right out of that very corner. Scared the shit out of me. I don’t know what the hell was wrong with her tits. They were big and nasty… and they defied gravity. I kid you not. Somehow at that split second, I only saw her pair of tits bouncing out from that corner BEFORE I was even able to see her face. Her humongous tits were extending far out like an awning (that was able to provide shelter for motorcyclists on rainy days…). And because they were so huge like that, I couldn’t seem to find any rational explanation behind that anti-gravity effect… but to only speculate that she’s probably donning a pair of helium filled bra (if there’s even such a thing…).

Anyway, upon having that spasmodic visual contact, I gave out a shriek out of reflex and I dodged towards the back to avert myself from colliding into her twin Hindenberg shaped tits ala the Matrix style – and prevented myself from getting a tragic flip and a badass concussion. By the time I gained back my composure, that tomboy was already standing in front of me… and she looked dumbfucked over my reaction. (hhyeah… I sorta overreacted). We stared at each other for about 1.5 seconds… before she eventually offered an apology. I gave a quick acknowledgment, and scampered into the toilet for the ultimate relief.

Now that I’m recalling back every moment of it … I wonder if her tits would have actually exploded and caught up with a big inferno if she were to stumble into a man lighting a ciggy…

And she could have used a caution sign or something… eg: AWAS MUATAN PANJANG… Her tits are a hazard to the public.

michaelooi  | happenings  | 14 Comments
September 21, 2005

charity comment

Somebody posted this in the In the name of… post.

KongFooSing posted:
I cant believe these people here have so much bullshit to say about other people who collect money for charity because you are a bunch of fuckin tight arses. If these guys come up to you and collect some money, they are already doing some work arent they? Why is it free money then? Who cares if the money really goes to the charity or not. All these people ask of you is bloody 50 cents. Can’t you just give it to them and donate your 1000 dollars to bloody Red Cross at their headquarter.? Put it this way, if you give a dollar to this guy who claims to collect for Red Cross, even he doesnt, he takes the money to buy himself some food, isnt that charity? The truth is these people also need food. Maybe they cant get a proper job. People like you fucks talk cock like why cant able bodied youths don work is because you were bloody born into a middle class family not because you are better than them. Just thank god you are bloody lucky that you even have a computer screen to look at now. You know what’s free money? Sitting at home getting pocket money from our dads and moms. Thats free money, you fuck.

Here’s my reply to him (let’s dissect him):
If these guys come up to you and collect some money, they are already doing some work arent they?
What ? By collecting ‘some money’ and those people are already doing some work ?? What the fuck ? How about me shoving a chainsaw up your ass and jettison some of my shit into your mouth … and then mug up your whole family ? That’s some work.

All these people ask of you is bloody 50 cents.
hey n00b … look around you… these people are selling shitty moon cakes for 30 frigging bucks ! 50 cents your motherfucking cheebye head !

Put it this way, if you give a dollar to this guy who claims to collect for Red Cross, even he doesnt, he takes the money to buy himself some food, isnt that charity?
Put it this way, I never wanted to shag your wrinkled mom and you wanna call me dad. And I should take you as my son because a rotten schmuck like you couldn’t find a biological father and I’m suppose to do some charity ?? You’ve clearly misused the word “charity” here, my friend.

The truth is these people also need food. Maybe they cant get a proper job. People like you fucks talk cock like why cant able bodied youths don work is because you were bloody born into a middle class family not because you are better than them.
And I suppose that it’s a perfectly fine idea to encourage jobless people to go around deceiving the public to part their money for the sake of the so called 10% fake charity. Your parents must be proud of you.

You know what’s free money? Sitting at home getting pocket money from our dads and moms. Thats free money, you fuck.
Oh, your parents must have robbed banks to feed your sorry ass, I suppose… but then, even that, with all the risks taken, I still do not think that it’s “free money”…
My parents’ money, definitely weren’t “free”. They worked their asses off to feed me … for love. And I already started repaying the piety debt since I was able to earn some bucks… So, what free money ?

Now go watch some TV and never come back. (and learn how to disagree like a civilized person before you even comment here next time, retard)

*I feel like kantoi-ing (learnt the word from minishorts…) people today… and he happened to be the stray splinter that got stuck in my finger…

michaelooi  | mails/posts  | 41 Comments
September 19, 2005

is that really what you want?

Longevity… is it really such a good thing ? We Chinese greet our elders plenty of years living on this planet… till their pubic hair goes white… but have we really asked ourselves, is that really what we/they want ?

Well, if it’s as simple as discoloration on our pubic hairs, then that would definitely be a great thing (after all, white pubic hair adds character…). But we all know that’s not usually the case. Life is much more complex than that… When you’re old, you don’t get to :

party and romp
Sure enough, you’d still get to enjoy those heart throbbing music like what you used to do with that skanky motherfucking slut at the nearby one-night-stand club. But you won’t be able to flail your arms like everybody does it on the dance floor … because all your limbs will either be plagued with arthritis (for fucking too much on the floor during your abled years), or you’re too weak to even stand up straight lest you’ll break your frail spine.

hoover anything you want
When your cholesterol and blood pressure are sky high, you’re practically forbidden to eat anything that’s considered good at all. If it’s shitty, then it’s healthy – that will be your diet throughout your geriatric life. (hell, you can’t even swallow cum for fuck’s sake, unless you want to get a stroke or something)

imbibe like a thirsty camel
When one’s 23, they imbibe to get high. When one’s 73, they imbibe, they die. That’s because at that age, there’s no live brain tissue left inside that noggin’. It’s a cemetery of dead cells. Like… meat. Dead meat inside. Probably a couple more left for you to do something fundamental like breathing or scratching your ass … but nothing more than that. So, if you down some booze in there, you’re basically committing suicide.

hook up like there’s no tomorrow
Because tomorrow’s always there and you know it. And it’s damn boring. Biologically, your copulatory organs will become expired due to wear and tear… but your physical existence are left here for the tormenting finale. Or say, if you’re even sexually active at that age, nobody would probably be interested to have sex with you. That’s because you’ll be too dilapidated with dead skin cells… that one would rather fuck a piece of beef jerky than an ancient stiff corpse like yourself.

get something to do
You’re bored and you feel like a stump. So you get yourself something to do… a hobby perhaps. But what can you do ? Play golf ? With your walking stick? You can’t. At such feeble age, the only thing that you get to really do is sit around and make some noise – so that your children would get pissed at you (for being so noisy and nosy) and dump you to some old folks home.

So… as you can see, getting old is boring. You can’t romp, you can’t wolf, you can’t booze, you can’t fuck. You can’t do nothing ! And if you’re a wee bit unlucky, you might even contract some illness that’s probably gonna bedridden your sorry ass and suffer a slow painful death.

Now, you tell me, is that the kind of life that is worth living for ?

I don’t know, if I were to become old someday, don’t wish me longevity. Wish me a quick and painless death instead … that will be so much better.

michaelooi  | thoughts  | 17 Comments
September 16, 2005

general tso’s chicken

I dreamt I was in some grandiose banquet wearing a tuxedo. You know, those event that we see on TV ? Chicks wearing cleavage baring dresses and black waiters pouring free flow wines ?… you get the idea.

I was kinda scouring a table full of food, for something to eat of course, when I was interrupted by a tap on my shoulder. Of course I wasn’t too happy about that as I was damn hungry. But I turned to answer that tap nevertheless, and found myself gazing at a familiar face.

It was Rob. If you can remember him … my undead ex-boss whom I loathed more than roaches and maggots. He was without his trademark ratfink goatee and was donning a thoroughly white uniform… with a tall white hat embellishing his balding skeletal head.

“Hi Michael. Long time no see”

That motherfucker was trying to be courteous. I’m amused if he even thinks that would erase all the confuckulations that he has brought to my life. Nia ma chow hai aa … I kept my cool nevertheless. *I must be gritting my teeth in reality right now…

“Rob ! what the fuck are you doing here ??”

“Can’t you see ? I’m a cook now…”

“A cook ? Last I heard you went off to China for some fucking management post… what happened ?”

“Well… things didn’t go as what I’ve expected and I ended up as a cook”

*chuckles* “It’s hard to believe you’re a motherfucking cook… You’re what ? Major in material science ? You should be analyzing rocks at some cursed tombs … not messing with our food …”

“I learnt how to cook at China.”

“Ok. Big deal. Errrmmmm… can you make me something ? I’m hungry”

“Anything for you, old friend”

“Make me a plate of General Tso’s Chicken…”

“I’m sorry ?”

“Chicken ? You know chicken ? The domesticated bird that can’t fly ? It’s asshole puckering like your mouth ?”

“I know chicken but … I don’t know how to make General Tso’s chicken…”

I was just testing him out. It wasn’t really about General Tso’s chicken that was so important. If fact, that’s actually a very ridiculous request at such banquet. But I managed to prove my point there.

“You’re a cook… for god’s sake… and you don’t fucking know how to make General Tso’s chicken ?? What do you know then ?”

“Ermmmm … how bout fried noodles ? I make kickass fried noodles…”

“And you call yourself a cook ?? So if I know how to change a flat tire, I’d be a mechanic ??”

“Come on … do you really have insult me in public like this ?”

That snapped me. I grabbed a fork nearby and stabbed him on his collarbone. He immediately collapsed to the ground, writhing in agony. I then gave him a hard kick on his ribs and I could hear a crack right out of it. By that time, I noticed that there was already a crowd gathering around me … staring at me as if I’ve killed a defenseless old woman.

Of course, I was set to correct that misperception…

“PEOPLE ! This cook … [points at Rob], doesn’t know how to make General Tso’s Chicken. Heck, he don’t even know how to fry an egg ! He’s giving us human a bad name ! Even the chickens are ashamed of him !!!”

There’s a loud gasping sound reverberating across the crowd… and before I could even say another word to justify my violence, the next thing I knew, the crowd was creaming his ass up like a lifeless pinata. And I didn’t get to grace him another whack.

It was one of the sweetest dream I ever had.

michaelooi  | flashbacks  | 14 Comments