Archive for 2005

October 4, 2005

cows are very kayu

I was driving on a stretch of country road the other day, saw a brown cow grazing very close by the side of the road. I quickly slowed my car down … and approached that bovine slowly. My colleagues, not being understanding enough of me, thought I was just being cautious that the animal might jump out on the road causing an accident… but they were needless to say – VERY WRONG about that. I actually slowed down to air honk that cow.

Excited like an 8 year old who discovered the beauty of fire… I drove near enough right beside it and yanked my steering horn. Lorraine blared out like a champ and the loud honk reverberated across half the palm oil plantation (yep, it’s a road that cuts through a plantation). Now my expectation ? The cow to jolt up like some few thousand kilowatts of current went through it… or at least to skedaddle towards a nearby ditch and dive head first into it.

But that didn’t happen. The cow would just nonchalantly look over its shoulder, as if some credit card salesman had just called up on him. I was so fucking disappointed with that cow. Like, how could one be so stodgy and stagnant like that ? I mean, did God forget to install the reflex mechanism in this goddamn animal? Or that particular cow has a malfunctioned reflex system? I don’t fucking know. That was when I yelled out : “Damn, do they even have feelings ???” – (I believe I was actually thinking of my boss at that time, though I may be vociferating at that goddamn cow)

I’d wager that if that animal were to be a housewife grazing instead of a cow, the result would have been totally the opposite. You’ll see some jolting, scampering, probably some dramatic act as well … like maybe losing her wig or handbag, wave fist in the air shouting profanities that only she can hear herself. Damn that would be so wicked !

Or if it’s a cat. Cats are like covalent 1 materials. They’re highly reactive to EVERYTHING. So, it doesn’t take much for one to imagine what it’s like to honk a cat. I once honked a feline crossing the road … and it got so freaked out and bolted off blindly towards my car knocking its own head. Hell I laughed so hard, that I almost forgot to make a turn into a junction (which I was supposed to turn…)

But cows, they’re no fun. They suck. They only taste good in curries, nothing else. Leave me alone.

michaelooi  | escapades  | 23 Comments
October 2, 2005

our Fear Factor

By now, most of you people would have probably heard of Asian Fear Factor getting hosted in Malaysia. Everyone’s so excited about it because the organizers think that it’ll improve our tourism industry and shits like that. (albeit I don’t quite see the connection here, seriously).

But, what the fuck, improve tourism or not, somebody’s gotta get their asses creamed… don’t they ? For they’ve failed to realize, us bunch of Malaysians have A LOT more of kinky factors for them to fearrrrrrrrr.

Well, my BODs and I actually managed to come up with some Malaysian stunts that we could use for the show… brainstormed during an outing on the weekend. (and no, our ideas weren’t fueled by alcohol at all – they’re perfectly safe…. at your own risk).

Kids… remember, don’t do this at home. Just….anywhere else but at home…

Wash the beggar
I’m very sure you guys have seen them, those beggars with filthy wax-like-a-chump long hair that smells like a decomposed wet rug. Hell they stink so bad, that you would want to barf right away and keel over. No doubt that they’re a walking hazard to the public… (and we’ve plenty of these people on our Malaysian streets)

But with a little creativity, we can actually put their eccentric traits into good use. Like in this case, as an element of fear in the Fear Factor program. How ? Simple. Each contestant will be given a bar of soap and 2 barrels of water to wash these dirty motherfucker’s hair. Those who completes the stunt will advance to the next level … and those who barfs, or passes out, will be eliminated from the game.

Canine stunt
Rottweilers, this name shudders our very thought. They’re fucking big and badass. I bet if they were to be bestowed with a pair of human hands, these vicious doggies would use it to tot an Uzi to rob some banks and rape some chicks. No shit. But then, submitting to the will of nature, we’re lucky that these fuckers are only good at biting… and they bite hard.

Contestants will be asked to strip naked and don a fake kitty mask on their face. They will be asked to run stark naked around a cage full of these starved Rottweilers to collect some flags and stick it on their asses. The one who collects most flags in under a limited time will advance to the next level.

Aromatic Bangladeshis
You’ll always know when a Bangla is around. That’s because they have such a bad body odor, they’re part of the cause of our rising Malaysian air pollutant index (API). God knows how many Indonesian maids have been killed while having sex with these roach-smelling scum. Thousands more would suffer a slow painful death from unknown chronic diseases.

This shall be one of the toughest stunt the contestants have to face. Those who could breath under a Bangla’s armpit for the longest period of time, will win the stunt. As usual, anyone who passes out (or killed) gets eliminated. (this stunt is extremely dangerous but hey ! This is Fear Factor… not the Giddy game show… so, shut the fuck up and quit whining).

Sup Spesial Indonesia
I bet you people have noticed a menacing decline in intelligence amongst the richer Malaysians. Especially those who holds the higher management posts. Why ? Well, that’s because they’ve been feeding on these special soups prepared by their diabolical Indonesian maids. Soup made of human feces, used sanitary pads, smegmas, nasty-yellowish-discharges-from-cunts, etc etc.

Alright, these soups shall definitely be featured in our Malaysian Fear Factor. Contestants are required to toss a couple of dice to determine the amount of LITERS of these “Sup Spesial Indonesia” that they’re gonna consume. Again, those who barfs or blacks out while consuming these soups, will be eliminated from the game.

Minibus stunt
When I watched the western version Fear Factor featuring those stunts that involve those big rigs, I laughed to myself. Man, what is that compared to our minibus drivers … who are capable of drifting on 2 wheels and speed exceeding 150% of the allowed limit ? Goddamn.

This would be a good chance for us Malaysians to show them gweilos who’s da boss. We’re gonna make the contestants climb on these speeding minibuses to collect flags, emblems or whatever. Those who collects the most objects without getting killed, gets to go to the next level.

Deep murky water
In the original Fear Factor, the organizers tried in vain to emulate the fear of diving into dark waters – where the contestants are asked to submerge into a pool of gruesome ink pond filled with decomposed squids to collect some beacon under a timed period. But hell, that’s so lame compared to our contaminated Malaysian rivers.

I’d quote Sg. Pinang in Penang for example. It is filled not only with dead squids, but dead “everything”. Cats, dogs, fishes, snakes, you name it. The water is not dark, but it’s greasy black. It’s oxygen content = NIL. That would be some challenge. Contestants shall be asked to retrieve some sticks at the bottom of the river (which amongst the sticks, might even find some unwanted festering organic waste…). Those who survives the stunt, gets to advance the level. Those who doesn’t, well… too bad.

Well, that’s about it I guess. We actually came up with a couple dozens more, but can’t remember most of it.
(My buddy Charles actually came up with the idea of riding on a Nuri helicopter to make a few turns, but I think that’s a bit too dangerous.)

michaelooi  | enlightenments  | 17 Comments
September 30, 2005

shrimp cake story

I posted this story before in the forum… but I’m posting it here again because today’s a very special day…

~~~~~

there’s a Filipino maid. she works for a chinese family. she doesn’t speak malay or chinese .. so, she usually converse in English with her employers.

one day, the mistress wants her to buy a piece of shrimp cake (belacan) from a nearby store. So, she goes on her way to comply with her mistress’ request — to buy a piece of belacan

But she has a problem. The shopkeeper doesn’t understand what she wanted to buy when she told him “shrimp cake”. She tries her best to show him with all sorts of hand signals… but to no success.

Then, the Filipino maid has an idea. She sticks her hand into her private part … and scrubs it against the smelliest part of her labium…. then sticks her tainted finger under the shopkeeper’s nostril.

Immediately, the shopkeeper knows what she wanted to buy “OOOOOOOOOOO BELACAN SI BOOOH ? Say lar early early ..”

~~~~~

Story courtesy of my late old man (told to me when I was barely 16). Today’s his birthday… and I missed that bugger.

michaelooi  | nonsense  | 17 Comments
September 28, 2005

all about AIDS

There has been some sort of awareness campaign at my workplace about AIDS. Each time I passes by our employee entrance, I can see that bunch of posters on display at the corridor. Lots of them … complete with graphics and all that. I must have walked past those heaps of posters for at least a few dozen times before, but I have never actually took a glance at it. I just knew that it’s about AIDS (from the red ribbon).

Yesterday, while waiting for my colleagues during lunch hour, I sauntered over to the bunch of displays and took some time to read those stuffs up (instead of ogling at girls). Well, to my surprise, they were actually kinda cool. I figured out those posters were actually in Bee Em ! Bahasa Melayu !

And I was baffled at the ke-canggih-ness of the Bee Em on those posters. The messages, they were all so professionally written. But then after studying it for a while, I began to wonder. These messages … to whom that they are directed to? Well generally, to the public … of course. But those who are exposed to the risks of AIDS, are mostly people who adopt whoring as their favorite past time… gay dudes who get impaled frequently by schlongs… drug addicts … basically, those who are not very bright academically.

If you get my drift, you would have realized that most of these people, they’re in no position to understand the messages on these posters at all. Words like “zakar”, “sel” or perhaps “keimunan” – they’re simply too complex for them to understand. Like, how could you expect primary school dropouts and uneducated junkies to understand such canggih words ? What’s a “faraj” ? I have a friend named Fardan ler… could Faraj be his brother ? So on.

They would probably go through a couple of lines, and then walk the fuck off. That means, those awareness campaign posters will be good for nothing.

So… that prompted me to think… what could be a more effective way to convey these informative messages to those that in need of the knowledge ? The answer is – Bahasa Pasar. Colloquial language and slangs. The junkies and ass fuckers know it like the back of their hands. That’s their spoken language and primary form of communication. Like… what could be better than to communicate with them in their own language ?

I was thinking, if the government could hand out free condoms and needles for these people … why can’t they print posters in Bahasa Pasar messages to suit their needs ? Here’s an example how it could have been done …

~~~~~~

Woi ! Pukimak lu orang ! Tau ka apa tu AIDS ?? Tak tau kalu… dengar. Sudah tau kalu, main jauh-jauh… GEDEBUSHHHH

Ni AIDS … bukan nama awek. Tapi sejenis penyakit cilakak tarak ubat mia. Dia masuk sama lu punya badan, kasi itu power lingkup… and bikin lu mia badan tarak defend. Tarak defend kalu … maknanya … kamu kena apa-apa pukimak mia sakit, pun tak boleh sembuh lar tu.

Since ini AIDS tarak ubat, apa yang you orang boleh bikin, ialah control you punya kelakuan ler… Kata orang, ini penyakit moral… So kat sini, nak bagi kau orang tau sikit, apa macam ini AIDS merebak. Penyakit kaliampun ni, merebak melalui 3 cara:

1) Kongkek tarak betuih
AIDS boleh merebak melalui itu cheebye mia kuah … masuk sama lu mia luncheow. Kalau you tak pasti sama you mia markah bersih ka tarak, lebih baik jangan syiok-syiok kongkek. Itu ayam-ayam, bohsia-bohsia, binatang-binatang, jembalang-jembalang ataupun you mia pondan mia markah… lebih baik jangan kacau. Kalau tak leh tahan, kongkek guna kondom. Kalau tarak kondom… guna beg plastik hitam tong sampah … ataupun guna belon pun boleh gak. Tapi kalau yang itu pun tarak, lebih baik suruh you mia partner hisap… ataupun goncang sendiri dalam tandas … (ingat, jangan hisap dekat Singapura !)

2)Darah transfer
Itu darah transfer pun boleh kena AIDS. Tarak peduli sama ada you mia makwe gigit kotek you luka dan sembur darah masuk ke … atau pun you kongsi cucuk jarum sama itu hisap dadah mia orang ke … semua pun boleh kena. Kalau you cucuk jarum dadah, you mesti mau ingat guna itu baru punya jarum. (adalah lebih baik jangan hisap dadah…). Kalau makwe cuba nak gigit, terajang dan sepak sama dia sampai gigi patah.

3) Bini bunting, anak kena
Haa.. bila you keluar kongkek sama ayam, balik rumah kongkek bini … bini bunting… lu mia anak pun akan kena jugak (bini pun kena sekali… jahanam keluarga). You sama bini bungkus cukuplah, tapi apasai mau kasi you mia anak susah ? Ni kera pun tak bikin ini macam sama dia mia family. Kalau sudah kongkek sama ayam, adalah lebih baik kamu pegi check sama you mia doktor sebelum kongkek – sama ada you kena AIDS ke tidak. Ataupun, you boleh guna itu bukak durian mia pisau… dan penggal kepala hotak hang (niiii gerenti bini tak kena).

tapi, engkorang semua toksah panik… AIDS ni, tidak merebak melalui air liur. You boleh cium/jilat sama you mia bini ataupun makwe, it’s ok. AIDS juga tidak boleh merebak melalui sentuhan. Maknanya, you boleh raba sama apa-apa makhluk yang kamu stim, steady mia… (tapi mesti ingat, kena tanya dulu, takut masuk lokap). Dan akhir sekali, AIDS juga tidak boleh rebak melalui you mia air kencing ataupun taik. You boleh bau atau main sama depa … gerenti selamat.

Sekian.

~~~~~~

I guess I wasn’t that good in my Bahasa Pasar either. Perhaps someone can come up with an even more awesome version of it. But hey, what the fuck, as long as the message gets across. It’s all for the good of the people (now you know, this site is not ALL EVIL…)

michaelooi  | enlightenments  | 34 Comments
September 26, 2005

angel

The warmth of the morning sun
The charm of the silvery moon
The laugh of a thousand hyenas
The beauty for an eternal swoon.

The angel of heavens
The goddess of desire
With a face that blokes would slobber
And girls would enviously admire

*i know…i suck at composing poems and shits like that…

People, if you think that girl in the pic is cute, please leave a wolf whistle in the commenting section. Thanks.

michaelooi  | nonsense  | 30 Comments