Archive for 2005

October 13, 2005

smell something ?

It was months ago when I first saw this not-really-bad-looking chick at my workplace. Tall and slender, high cheeks, proportionate body shape. A girlfriend material.

At that first time when I saw her, she was wearing this really nice looking pair of low cut blue jeans. It looked good on her. Her long legs somehow matched that low cut jeans very aptly… and the sight of her bleached white ass was kinda delectable. (yeah, it was worn so low that the sight of buttcrack was very overt like a phone booth)

And one thing about this girl I’ve noticed, was that she’s very aware about her hind exposure – each time she walks pass a pack of ogling wolves or a cackle of hyenas, she would pull down her T-shirt to cover up her caboose. Not sure what the fuck was that all about … probably an act to preserve some decency. Whatever.

It was kinda kooky at first, but after an umpteenth encounter with Miss Cover-Ass, we sorta gotten used with the sight of her beckoning act. And the excitement died down after a few sightings… nobody gave a hoot about her anymore.

But a couple weeks ago, something suddenly hit me about this girl. I’ve noticed that she’s been wearing the same jeans all these while ! Same cutting, same colour. (note: I’ve never seen her going about without covering her ass, so it has always been a low cut jeans on her…)

A friend suggested a credible reasoning “maybe she has a few same jeans leh?”. But I don’t think so. For lolas (*wink), maybe. But jeans, they’re damn expensive. If you’re to get yourself a pair of jeans of specific color and cutting that you like, would you be getting yourself like … a few pairs ? Not very likely. Unless you’re autistic or something.

So, the most plausible explanation here is, this girl has been wearing the same pair of jeans to work. Every fucking day. Only washes it once a week.

I know … I know … it’s kinda common for us guys to wash our jeans only weeks of usage. But that’s us… as guyssss, as “sleazebags” the girls have been labeling us as. We rightfully claim the title to be as such. Even if that were to be debatable, at least we don’t wear the same pair of motherfucking jeans from 7 to 5 every frigging day for a week (and for every awakening moment at the workplace). That’s just plain gross.

The only thing positive that I can think about being such a sheer beatnik, is the symbiosis relation. You know symbiosis, right ? 2 organism of different species coexist together in a mutual beneficial kind of way. So who are the 2 organism in this symbiosis relationship ? Our sleazebag lady here and her pet bacterias inside her jeans. Her grimes and filth feeds the bacterias … and the bacterias adds character to her stinking jeans.

Anyway… whatever the reason is, I’m not interested to find out. The root is still, she’s fucking gross. There shall be no justifiable excuse for that on this planet. And you people keep wondering why mosquitoes are abundant nowadays … sheesh…

michaelooi  | characters  | 24 Comments
October 12, 2005

memo

My workplace had a power failure today. Total blackout. Most of the lights were out except some of the emergency lights… and of course, the air conditioning too. So it’s kinda musty and hot in the office.

I just came back from my lunch when it happened. But luckily, the network’s still up and running (as they’re hooked to some power generator or something). So most of us were still able to access the network through our portable PC’s. I fired up my email program and saw a memo from our management (details modified to protect the confidentiality).

To : all employees

description
Please be informed that our company is having a power failure. However, the data server is not affected and being supported by the generator.

how will this affect the users ?
The company has no power supply.

business units
All employees located in the workplace.

That’s hell u’va memo, isn’t it ? I laughed so hard that I almost shat my pants. Hell.

I do not know how would that memo help us in any way other than wasting the network bandwidth. Like, it was already so fucking dark in the office… and the air conditioning wasn’t working. Any birdbrain would have been able to wild guess that it’s a fucking blackout. Now why do they think that they need to remind us employees that we’re having a blackout? It’s a wonder how bureaucracies drive people to do ridiculous things, isn’t it ?

Some 35 minutes later, while I’m still sitting in the DARK and MUSTY office, I received another memo…

Update:
Power has not been restored yet. Facilities is still investigating.

Oooh, as if I couldn’t tell… what the fuck bebeh. They sent the exact same memo half an hour later, to remind us employees about the shit situation we’re in… so as we’re not clueless of what’s happening.

Then about a while later, the office lights began to flash back to normal. The air conditioning hummed its usual washing machine dry spin tone (that’s a big ass air conditioning unit, ok ?). Then almost as predictable, I beamed at my email program… expecting something from the management. Sure enough, 15 minutes after the power was restored, the final memo came :

Power has been restored at 2:10pm. Facilities consultant indicates that the power lost was caused by power switch gear tripped.

Enlightening indeed. Had they not send out those memos, I probably wouldn’t have known if a power failure had occurred… GODDAMN !

michaelooi  | work shit  | 17 Comments
October 11, 2005

the cauliflower factor

I was driving back from lunch with the guys yesterday, when I found myself tailing behind this Proton Saga doing 40 kph on the freeway. It was moving right between the express lane and the inner lane – and kinda hogged the whole traffic up.

“What the fuck man ! people like this ought to be put to sleep !” I huffed to the guys.

From my car, I could see the silhouette of the driver’s head against the glaring bright background of the tarmac – to be of a housewife’s. You know, their trademark cauliflower hairstyle ? If a fly were to crash into that thicket of intertwined network of permed hairs, that insect’s not gonna make it out alive. And for some really extreme case, could even be a perfect sanctuary for Aedes mosquitoes. (That explains why all these fogging efforts by the gahmen have been so ineffective …)

“Another housewife driver… Goddamn !”

I was so tempted to trigger my super loud air horn to flip that sucker aside, but my conscience told me, that I shouldn’t. That’s because we’re all now in the holy month of Ramadhan, and some Chinese festival thingy. We’re not supposed to be mean to animals and all that. So, I kept my composure and didn’t blast that inconsiderate schmuck off… but to wait until the bottle neck clears into a 3 laner, and floored the accelerator to overtake her.

Then I took my car to where I could scornfully glower at that housewife right across from my passenger screen to her right side, but to my sheer dumbfuckedness, that driver wasn’t actually a housewife ! It was a Malay bloke with a Phua Chu Kang hairstyle !

That guy was having a jolly time inside his car bobbing his head, probably listening to some shitty music, oblivious to the assload of congestion he had induced behind him. A real motherfucking jerk. I was hoping that he’d look over at us bunch of people so that I could give him a finger or something, but he was too busy drifting into his own space right in that car.

If only I can extend a wrench up his ass… I couldn’t, so I sped off. (don’t ask me why I didn’t honk his ass, I don’t know why either…)

Seriously, I’m beginning to suspect this is a hairstyle thing. Like, once one dons a hairstyle like that, his/her driving skill will drop to a level comparable to someone who’s having a terminal stage of Alzheimers.

So….guys, if by any means your hair is shaped like a cauliflower or resembled something like an afro, put your head into the nearest toilet bowl, flush it wet, and shave it all off.
(Or we can ask the authorities to outlaw cauliflower hairstyle… if you’re caught with one, you’re gonna get your license suspended for 14 months…)

michaelooi  | traffic shit  | 18 Comments
October 9, 2005

that creature’s mouth

explicit content ahead. Not a recommended read for kids and retards.

I’m not sure if anyone actually remembers their first close up view of a cunt. But I sure remembered mine. I was only 13 when I discovered the ultimate truth, and no… I had no clue that it was suppose to look like that. You know, folds of dark corrugated skin that forms out into what seemed like the mouth of an outer fucking space creature (or a rodent that has just been run over by a truck… whatever). And what’s worse, when that darn mouth secretes those gooey smegma, it’s not something you would want to see when you’re having dinner.

You see, back then… kids like us weren’t that smart like those we have today. Sure enough, we’re smart at biffing up wussies and cheating in exam, but the smart I’m talking about, are the in’s and out’s of the opposite sex. We’re pretty much as parochial and clueless like lab rats when it comes to understanding about female genitalia. We don’t get the luxury of information from the internet. We can’t fire up our browsers and readily load pictures of twats and titties at the discretion of our hormones and fingertips. Uh uh. We did it the hard way, discover everything from a blind man’s touch.

So, how did it happen ? It was one of my school buddy. He brought a hardcore porn mag to school. It’s sad I know, that my first close-up encounter with a beaver was not actually a real human, but pages of glossy dyes printed on some low grade wooden pulps. But hey, at least I made clear of that before the actual encounter, and prevented myself from looking like a total dork on my first night.

At 13, I didn’t know what to expect. I thought female cunts are just as simple as buttcracks. Just 2 slices of pork chops pressing together forming a tight fissure, with a triangular patch of furry pubes in front. Of course, I knew that we guys are suppose to insert our dick in there and jerk as fast as we could to have sex… but little did I know about the actual anatomy of a cunt. So, when my buddy began to flip that book of life before my very eyes, I almost barfed.

“Damn !!! That’s revolting !! I thought it’s just a crack !!”

That was my reaction as my eyes locked on the tragically formed biological terror. My friend told me maybe it was like that because that cunt belonged to a whore… that’s why it was so catastrophic like that. I don’t know but, his explanation seemed plausible back then. Maybe she was shagged for too many times and that was why it looked like that.

Then came to the final pages of the thin mag, when it showed a man going down to lick and suck on that girl’s labium (my first learning about cunnilingus). There, we saw these tremendous volume of semi-viscous liquid began to ooze out from that motherfucking piece of ugly mouth. It irked me to the very bone. Like …hell… it was already looking bad enough, why would anyone think of sucking some juice out of that thing??

It was certainly an eye opening experience for all of us juveniles that day. (though freaked some of us out). But little did we know, that this odd looking piece of human anatomy … will be one of the very few objects that’s gonna drive us men crazy in a few years’ time.

The irony of life indeed.

michaelooi  | escapades  | 17 Comments
October 6, 2005

muse

When a job applicant fails his IQ test during an interview, the person will be hired to become managers and directors. And for those who passes with flying colors, they’re gonna make them engineers.

I’ve always wondered, if a transvestite happens to be stopped by a traffic police, is he gonna show his driving license as a man or a transgender ? Does the odd-even identification coding still apply to such individual? Or if a transvestite squeezes another bona fide woman’s tits, is he liable for sexual harassment ? This is so intriguing.

Have you ever wondered if we humans were to have hooves instead of fingers, how would we be able to pick our ears/nose when it’s itchy like that ? Errrmm, I know I should be looking at the big picture like we probably won’t be able to build technology or wank ourselves but… it’s those little thing we think that makes us unique. *picks my nose*

Bryan Adams almost made my company lose a few hundred bucks today. I was too taken away on my own rendition of “Please Forgive Me” in the lab, when my beg-for-forgiveness gesticulation knocked off a 15.4″ WXGA LCD panel sitting precariously on my messy bench … sending it crashing 4 ft down onto the cold hard floor. The LCD, however, lived through the episode …. scared the shit out of me. (I wish I’m as emotionless as a cow sometimes… sheesh).

I think roti canai is cursed. Why ? It’s cursed in such way that it’s only possible to be prepared by males only. I’ve never actually seen a lady preparing roti canais before… until today. The roti canai dude took an emergency today and was replaced by a young Malay lady. The roti canai she made ? Tasted like a mousepad. Flat and stiff.

The management stresses that it is important that we have some work-life balance. I suppose that was said to keep us employees content and all that. Yeah, like who the fuck cares. Just pay us more money and we’d be happy enough to work without qualms… balanced or not. I don’t understand why can’t they figure that out already.

michaelooi  | ramblings  | 19 Comments