Archive for December, 2005

December 2, 2005

the popsicle incident

*this incident happened many years ago when I was a few pubic hairs short of reaching puberty

My old residence was situated at a rather rural area. We lived alongside with chickens, hookers, rowdy neighbors and assloads of unambitious people living on wooden stilt houses. (if you’ve been reading my blog, yes… I was referring to that old den where I had to put up with FatMary’s psychotic behavior and her exhibitionist sister’s pair of dainty rack). Behind our residence, was a small wooden house inhabited by a Malay family. (I’ve briefly mentioned about them in this entry)

To cut the introduction short, basically, the whole family’s a basket case. There’s nothing right about all of them… except the wife – who’s a very large lady who could easily wreck a weighting scale… but was kinda ok. She was the only person from that family that I had ever talked to. And that was because she was operating a small scale business selling flavored popsicles from her shabby dwelling.

Popsicles to a kid = sex to you perverts out there. As a kid back then, I would go nuts over popsicles and it was being sold right there behind my house. Now, how cool is that? It’s totally rad, man. That was why, I think she’s alright. (juvenile minds are just overly simple)

At different times of the day, I would just walk over to the back of my house, peer over the fence, gave a gentle tap on their windows (it was right next to the fence, really close) and excitedly shout out “Makcik bagi ais dua!”. Would cost me forty cents. I always had double, they were fucking awesome.

But one afternoon, my tap on the window went unanswered. I tapped harder and even called out into their living room, nobody replied. I tried to peer around, the living room was empty. The kids weren’t there like they always did. It was all only silence. That’s strange… I thought. The door and windows were wide open, it didn’t occur to me that the family could have been away from home.

Driven by desperation for the popsicles, I strolled further down the fence perimeter towards the back portion of that house, which got me a view of the kitchen through the second window. From there, I did more knockings and called out if there’s anyone home. This time, I was greeted with some rustling noise around that cramped kitchen space and I lit up like a lightbulb knowing that I was gonna get my popsicles after all.

I waited for a couple of seconds before the noise changed into what seemed to be the sound of a door creaking open. It was a partially obscured metal door right there at the kitchen… swiveling inwards and someone was about to come out of it. Like a canine greeting its master, I waggled my imaginary tail and focused my sight on whoever that was coming out of that door… and got myself ready to order my regular 2 sticks of heavenly bliss.

Then out bounce my blimp neighbor. Naked.

The first thing I noticed was her humongous misshapen tits. It was pendulous and dimpled with uneven surface of fats, seasoned with what seemed to be some whitish skin fungus of some kind, and shitloads of stretch marks. The seam conjoining her saggy boobs and her flabs of bloated blubber, was deep enough to irrigate a small padi field. Probably could even hide a few amphibious animals inside. And her pad of furry beef jerky pie down there? I couldn’t even see it – for it was being eclipsed by another planet growing out from her abdomen and sideways.

I stood there completely petrified, as never had I seen such a tragic creature in my life before. The closest I’ve seen was something off the TV, those who went ballistic around Tokyo city and would later get its ass creamed by ultra-fucking-man. Right at that moment of petrification, I could actually feel my brain cells were slowly dying off… and I had cold sweats literally pouring out of my head. Just as I was about to enter the stupor stage from the overexposure of the horrendous sight… I was jolted up with a loud yelp which seemed to be coming from the sumo housewife. That was the reflex she had when saw the completely dumbfucked me looking at her naked lards through her kitchen windows.

Mortified, she dove back into the bathroom and I could hear some crashing noise. Fortunately, if that hadn’t had happened, I would probably be brain dead by then. Still feeling the sharp repercussion sting of bewilderment, I stood there for the next few seconds not knowing what to do. I wanted to peel off, but I also wanted those popsicles badly. I didn’t know what was I thinking but, I remember… the next thing I did was unbelievably dumb. I actually went ahead to order my popsicles, despite the fact that I was fully aware that my neighbor was still hiding behind the bathroom door naked, and was in no position of conducting a trade – “Err… makcik? ais dua?”. Simply, unbelievable.

But she was kinda professional. She actually yelled out to one of her kids from the bathroom to get me what I want…and I evacuated.

I never got to finish the popsicles after that… for I was too traumatized by the whole incident and took years for me to completely get over it. (that explains why I’m a bit “off” sometimes… I heard voices in my head and eventually became a blogger…)

Needless to say, that was the final time I ever bought popsicles from that neighbor.

michaelooi  | experiences  | 15 Comments

“War of the Worlds” comment

Some guy didn’t like my “War Of the Worlds” review and decided to lash it all out.

Jim wrote:
What the fuck is wrong with you people the ending was the best ending for a alien movie ever because god has a plan for the world and his little bugs killed the threat. what you want rambo to fly up its ass like in id4 and blow the shit out of it. ya that be so cool? you fuckers would then just complain that you thought the were indestructable. All the tripods died at once because a billion years ago the flu didnt excist and when they came up it was the black death for them.the aliens arnt from mars either in the movie, the book yes, movie no. Tom also wasnt the only one who survived the intersection sceen a man at the end ran past ray as he was leaning on the wall. signs was gay because the aliens were trying to invade a planet they were alergic to (water) so dont compare signs to this master piece. The aliens mabey used up all the resorses on their planet and came to earth they didnt wait until we had weapons to invade.
And the comment about toms son being a dumbass for thinking the aliens are from europe… he doesnt know their aliens all hes seen it a bridge blowing up. I have better things to do then to explain why this movie was good because i know most of the people who say it was bad were passed out from smoking and sniffing to much.
So before you pull apart a sci fi movie telling us what the alien invasion is like because youve experenced it. shut the fuck up consider what you just saw.

I replied him, of course:

michaelooi wrote:
hey jim you motherfucker,
who cares what your sorry hillbilly ass thinks about the movie? For fuck’s sake you can’t even spell “maybe”. That’s how fucked up you are.

And you said you have better things to do than explain why this movie’s so good? Yeah you’re so smart bitch, to only say that after hammering a few paragraphs of super fucked up malarkeys that nobody’s gonna give a fuck about. Just eat shit and die, moron.

(man, that’s therapeutic. Hillbilly Jim just made my day)


Goddamn.

michaelooi  | mails/posts  | 8 Comments