Archive for December, 2005

December 20, 2005

one of your own

I’m sure all of you have encountered those mysterious floating shits before. Those that usually take more than a single flush to get rid of. (these shits have baffled scientists for centuries…)

Well, I encounter such kind of shits quite frequently. For reasons unknown. Maybe it is my diet… or maybe I’m special. But they sure hell are annoying because everytime that happens, I have to basically wait for the flush tank to refill before I can do another flush.

Now, that isn’t a problem for me, until when I’m in a hurry. Like if I’m late for an appointment or something. Usually, I’d just pop open the tank lid and pour water into it for another flush. But at times when I don’t have another second to waste, I’d just leave that styrofoam poo as it is until the next unfortunate soul discovers it and do some justice to it.

I guess that was what happened a few days ago, when Emily discovered a brown floating asteroid inside our toilet. She reprimanded me only today:

Emily : “I discovered some unflushed stray poo inside our toilet a couple days ago…”

Me : “Oh really? Whose poo was that?”

It didn’t occur to me that her remark was supposed to be sarcastic in nature.

Emily : “It was yours! Who else’s could it be??”

That was a direct hit.

I wanted to say it wasn’t mine, that the piece of shit crept out of the pipes on its own, but that would only make the situation worse. So, I decided to make use of her weakness… her caring inner self and her intrinsic sense of motherhood… to get out of the situation…

Me : “Dear, I gave birth to that thing… you should accept it like it’s one of your own…”

She just stared back at me, speechless. I think my plot worked.

michaelooi  | 2-of-us  | 22 Comments
December 19, 2005

noodle or tomyam?

Emily and I was in this renowned cheesecake bistro again the other day, to have our dinner. A Malay lad came to take our order. I was eyeing on a particular item labeled as “Noodle In TomYam Kung”.

Me : “I would like to have this tomyam noodle here” [pointing at the item in menu]

Waiter : “I’m sorry sir, would you like to have the noodle itself or the tomyam kung?”

I gaped at him for a short moment there…

Me : “What do you think? The item here says ‘Noodle In TomYam Kung’… I guess I’ll have everything that comes with it…”

Waiter : [gives me a sheepish smile and bolts off]

I didn’t know that our food are sub-itemized. So, should I custom order my food by reciting the whole goddamn length of ingredients next?

Is being stupid a prerequisite to adapt oneself well in the society? If yes, somebody fucking kill me with a cheesecake please.

michaelooi  | dialogs  | 10 Comments
December 18, 2005

“King Kong” (2005)

Spoiler alert: King Kong croaked in the end and everyone was fucking thrilled

Goddamn! Peter Jackson’s rendition of “King Kong” is awesome! The movie’s like what… 3 hours? But you could barely feel it’s actually that long. That is because it was so exhilaratingly entertaining and mind blowingly splendid… by the time it is over, you’d go “wow! what a ride!”. Yeah… it was that good.

The storyline conforms to the original and is very well edited. There were no preposterous plots and it was packed with action from almost the beginning till the end (the first 30 minutes of introduction can be kinda boring for some, though necessary). See bottom of this entry for the longer write-up of the storyline.

In this 2005 installment of King Kong, I noticed that the big ape was kind of different from the original King Kong. The original King Kong, was a bipedal anthropoid looking primate that very much resembled a yeti or my colleague Elliot (whichever applies…) – shorter frontal limbs and longer legs… looked like as if it could actually drive a standard transmission vehicle or something. But the 2005 King Kong, was somehow modeled after a silverback gorilla… longer (but more powerful) arms and midget legs. (reminded me of the flick “Mighty Joe Young”, not very King Kong-ish)

And judging by the proportion of the Empire State building versus the ape, I’d say the 2005 King Kong is kinda smaller in size. The original King Kong was almost the ultraman standard… but this one is just slightly bigger than Shaquille O’Neal. I mean, they could have actually made him bigger you know… and make him swim to Japan to meet ultraman or something like that. (a sequel perhaps?)

Maybe not. Sequels tend to flop big time. This movie’s already a legend now. It has a good storyline (though not self-conceived), has comedic elements (have you seen a gorilla snigger?), it’s sentimental (I saw a few ah lians sobbing outside the cinema) and it gets you to the edge of your seat. What more could one ask for? (though it could still do some topless scene… ahaks!!)

If there’s only 1 blockbuster movie in 2005 to be reckoned with, this would be it. I’m going to look out for the DVD version.
Read the rest of this entry »

michaelooi  | movie reviews  | 12 Comments
December 16, 2005

the bloody experience

Now, if you people can remember Sweety, Emily’s friend who was desperate for a life partner. Well, she finally found her life partner and got hitched last week in a high spirited happy wedding. Emily couldn’t have been happier for her friend… thinking that her painful spinsterish days are finally over and Sweety could focus on being somebody’s wife now (or rather, worry about something else? what the fuck bebeh)

But today, Emily got a surprise phone call from Sweety again. It was her trembling voice on the other line

“Emily, I want to ask you something..”
“Yeah sure, what’s up?”
“Ermm, during your first night… you know… doing it?”
“Ok… what about it?”
“Did you shed a lot of blood?”

Alright kiddies, in case you don’t get it, “first night” refers to the night you lose your virginity. When the hymen is torn during the first time of sexual intercourse, one could actually see some hint of blood (pretty much depends on how ‘aggressive’ your partner is…). It’s supposed to be normal. I remembered my first few times, when I was wiping my dick with toilet paper? it was always bloody… and my dick would stay sore for the whole night.

“Errmm…yeah. But not much. Why?”
“I don’t know…I saw a lot of blood. On our bedsheet, on my husband’s hands, it was everywhere! I’m scared.”

To cut the story short, it was like a scene in Uma Thurman’s bloodbath with the Squad 88 in Kill Bill. Her bedsheet embellished with dark maroon color of love… and that actually got Sweety panic enough to call up Emily to ask if she had just killed a dog or something.

But being a virgin at this age, it didn’t come as a surprise for me. (I can’t help but wonder how much fun she has been missing all those years… goddamn). 30 years of abstinence… all amalgamated into a single night of lust and indulgence. She should feel lucky that she didn’t actually die from excessive loss of blood.

Being a good friend, Emily of course tried to assure her that it’s normal. Perhaps it was just a round of sex that went wild beyond her control and ripped her twat severing a blood vessel or two. But sooner or later, her copulatory organs would grow accustomed to the intrusion and the color would soon fade away into transparent liquid… and she won’t have to worry about her bedsheet anymore.

After learning all that from Emily, I, in the meanwhile, couldn’t resist making a comment about Sweety…

Me : “She only loses it at 30! That’s unbelievable! What has she been doing in her love life??”

Emily : “I’m not surprised, dear. Most of my college friends are still virgin…” [proceed to name a few names]

Me : “Yeah… all of them except you. You lost it while you’re still a teenager. *wink*”

Emily : “That’s because you’re such a goddamn pervert.”

I was thinking, I wouldn’t even want to perve her if she’s as eccentric as any of her weird friends. Isn’t she lucky?

Sweety in the meanwhile, will continue to have sex as often as she could… just to get over the break-in period of her engine block.

“Look Ma! no more blood!”

michaelooi  | characters  | 13 Comments
December 14, 2005

a letter to santa

Hey Santa,
I never believed that you existed. That’s because I’ve never really seen you. Yeah, I’ve seen heaps of your clones at shopping malls wearing fake beards but I have always known that they’re fake. (what they think I’m fucking stupid or something?). And that’s as far as what I can go about this whole Santa Clause business.

Though you may be myth, but I have to shamefully admit, that I’ve always marveled at the idea about you giving out stuffs for free to everyone (if they’ve been behaving themselves… that is). I mean, how cool can that be? You must be goddamn rich. Nowadays, you don’t get free stuffs around anymore, save for of course, those annoying porn spams and discount fliers in both our email and physical mailbox. Fucking hell.

Anyway, I was thinking on the other day, like, what if you REALLY EXISTED all these while and but I haven’t been redeeming something from you for Christmas? That’ll surely be a mistake too great to bear. I certainly do not want to miss such a chance… and hence, I’m doing this –

I’m telling you what I want for Christmas.

Don’t worry about that bit of me being a good/bad boy. With 28 years’ stint of unclaimed requests, it is already out of the question whether I’m qualified to be able to get what I want. In addition to that, I’m also willing to trade my whole lifetime’s Christmas gift into this deal … FIVE ITEMS FOR ME this Christmas, and you needn’t have to worry about me EVER again. I’m gonna fucking leave you alone after this.

How bout that, big guy?

(and if you can do some math, you’d figure that this could be the best for both of us in the long run.)

Alright, I’m not gonna waste any-fucking-more of your time. Here are the stuffs that I want, you make the call:

(well, actually I want lots of money above all stuffs, but being a considerate person, I understand that it isn’t really a plausible request as that would skew the economic balance of my country… so, I’d make some realistic requests instead)

1) My Canon 350D’s kit lens sucks. Its saturation and focus aren’t performing well enough for me. I’ve been doing some research, and figured that it would be best for me to fit in a Canon EF 24-70mm f/2.8 L USM Lens into my camera. That would be a perfect Christmas gift.

2) And a Speedlite 580EX flash to go along with that piece of awesome lens? It’ll be my best Christmas ever.

3) I’d love to see Lorraine gliding with a set of 17 inch Enkei wheels. Something like SC03. Ooh yeah…

4) Say, if you can wave a Jedi mind trick on my department head and influence him to authorize a fuel subsidy for my car, that’ll be awesome.

5) Everyone ought to have an altruistic wish … such as world peace, cure for cancer or something like that. So, I’m going to make one also – I ask for your blessing to those who reads my blog, to be able to achieve 10 minutes worth of orgasm EVERYTIME they have sex. (well hell, if you’re reading this entry, that very well includes yourself too. Shagging Rudolph would never be the same again for you! Talk about mutual advantage… goddamn I’m good!)

There. 5 of them. Just give it a thorough consideration and email me. We’ll talk. Cheers.

michaelooi  | imaginations  | 24 Comments