I was hanging out on a bench waiting for someone today, when I saw one of our departmental senior manager came walking towards me. He was wearing this ear to ear smile and looked extremely pleased like that. I initially thought he was probably establishing some friendly contact with another person, but it soon became apparent that he was smiling to me.

I felt strange, you know, as our relationship was never more than acknowledging each others’ presence through exchanges of courtesy nods & smiles. But today, it was all different. I took a deep breath as he walked closer … then stopped briefly in front of me … gave me a few pats on my shoulder… uttered something inaudible to my ears (or was it that I’m too dumbfucked to hear anything? I don’t know) … and bailed off. Just like that.

I was stunned. And then I turn towards my friends and went “What the fuck was that???”. Nobody knew. I tried to cogitate hard about that disturbing act, but I still couldn’t make any sense out of it.

No I did not get promoted, nor did I do anything victorious for the department these few days (in fact, I’ve been shirking quite a lot recently, it has been a while since I’ve made anyone proud).

Then somebody suggested that it must be the bitching article which I’ve written for the survey. Sounds kinda plausible at the very first thought, but soon was dismissed as we realized that the survey result was still not released yet.

So… what could be the reason behind that simple act of benevolence??? Could it be somebody from the higher management discovered my blog and published my URL to the directors? And that manager was actually giving me a ‘goodbye’ pat instead of a well-done pat???

I don’t fucking know man… I don’t fucking know.

Just in case, if any of you management guys are really reading this - here’s a message for you:

NAAA!

*If you’re a minor, get out of here

I like solving problems. Solving problems is good!

~~~~~

1st Level Analysis Report (MichaelOoi.net Inc)

Subject model
- hot chick
- athletic built frame
- 5 ft 5 to 5 ft 7.
- Late 20’s.
- Executive level workforce.

Problem statement
Transparent linen flare skirt directly/indirectly contributes to lack of productivity amongst the male employees.

Team members
MichaelOoi (Investigations, Chief Gynaecologist & Report)

Observation
- Subject appears to have a balanced body ratio.
- No organic modifications visible, except for a couple of pseudo eyelashes (unconfirmed)
- Heavy presence of chemicals on subject’s face.
- Gravity test failed. Minute or zilch presence of mammary glands.
- Subject appears to be donning a pair of white linen flare skirt.
- Radiation material visible underneath the mentioned skirt. Appears to be white cotton.
- No further physical defects observed.

Analysis & Risk assessment
- The thin mass of linen material of skirt offered little impedance for light photons to pass through.
- As subject was donning a pair of white cotton lolas, it creates an uneven textural properties between the epidermal surface of the abdomen and the cotton material.
- When light photon passes through linen & hit the solid wall of infinite mass, the differential of surface texture reflected a substantial delta of the colour spectrum - a flat white versus a slightly off fair beige.
- This would thus project an image to the human gawker, as the radioactive cotton material conspicuously accentuated between the differential of light out of the epidermal surface… that the subject is wearing just an underwear to work.
- The visual beacon reflects light in a radial manner.
- Assessed damaged is estimated to be at it’s maximum potential - 360 degrees under an average lighting condition.
- Side effects induced includes lack of concentration, amplified rate of hormonal production, increased heart beat, excessive perspiration, excessive bloodflow to the luncheow male reproductive organ, asthmatic seizure, glaucoma, cataracts and tuberculosis.

Corrective Action(s)
This proposal was made by assuming that the white linen flare skirt is the permanent factor and solutions are to be promoted revolving it.
- The key containment plan is to eliminate the differential of spectrum of the reflected lights off the subject’s nether region; by ensuring that the material residing underneath the white linen is uniform across the surface - which can be easily achieved by
a) wearing a large geriatric type of undergarment
b) wearing nothing underneath that skirt.

Proposal (a) would be the least favourable solution considering the fact that the subject is a relatively young and attractive female. Wearing a pair of grandmotherly underwear may void her credibility as a hot chick and prolonged wearing of such poor ventilated garment may cause genital warts and thrush.

Proposal (b) would be a recommended containment action. By removing the cotton undergarment from underneath the linen skirt, the reflected light will thus be made even - minimising the arousal of the opposite gender that could cripple the productivity at the workplace. Other advantages of this cotton removal procedure includes better ventilation of the feline creature beneath the abdomen (keep it content and all that..) and also less detergent used to wash the aforesaid cotton material (environmentally friendlier…)

The negative side of proposal (b) would be that the darker hue of the frontal pubic region would create an equivalent, if not worse, adversity than the original cotton issue. But this, however, can be easily solved by dyeing the pubic hairs to white colour.

End of report.
Department of Gynaecological Studies.

My comment on the previous entry got me thinking, how it’s going to be like …if one of those poo brain directors were to actually own a blog? Hell, I did my ex-boss Rob before… a fictional blog as himself. Got quite popular, but then I wasn’t free enough to maintain it and eventually had it shut down. The bad part about the whole thing was, I didn’t save all the archives for future reference… so all was lost with my delete button.

But I can still imagine how it’s going to be … if one of them were to ACTUALLY blog. It’s quite possible… really. Afterall, they don’t have much things to do but to sit in front of their desk pretending to save the fucking world.

Here’s my take on it…

~~~~~

Sample blog entry of a “Pengarah bergaji tinggi yang terlampau” #1

I was in a meeting today with other core team members - supposedly, we were there to meet up to discuss about some really really bad & serious problem. But throughout the meeting, I couldn’t seem to register a thing they said. What projection? What percentage? What upper lower control limit? I’m totally lost. So I feigned the ‘thinker’ pose that Brutus the VP had always taught me. It worked fine alright… until that smartass engineer who hailed the name Michael asked for my opinion.

Like… did I hire him to ask for opinions??? Why would he need my opinion??? These young engineers - they can’t be depended upon. Spoilt dicks. So I gave him an opinion. A standard opinion. “It’s good to see that we’ll be able to synergize our strategies in working towards a win-win situation and a better future.” [it was Brutus' idea again. Always make up your sentences with these 4 words in all your communications directed to your employees : Synergize, Strategy, Win-Win, Future]

I see confused looks but hey… it worked again. They moved to another agenda. Phewwwww!!! Being somebody’s boss is never easy I tell you.

Sample blog entry of a “Pengarah bergaji tinggi yang terlampau” #2

Man, I hate that engineer Michael. I wonder what is wrong with that prick… why he kept stepping on my tail??? So what if his black car is shinier than mine? So what if he looks better than I am? He’s just a fucking engineer. Look at him… stupid long hair with the sideburns… BAH! Sideburns are so yesterday .. ok? YESTERDAY. Today, the fad is about being bald [like me, hahaha]. If only he could figure that out.

And oh, blue jeans. Chuckles. That’s so dumb ok? When you’re about standard, white long sleeved cotton shirt is the wayyy of the execs. It’s the metaphor of a man’s success and wealth… and girls dig successful men. Top it up with my Larry’s classics, FUHHHH… I’m sizzling, ok?
(Oh one thing about that white cotton shirt. When you’re in it, you wouldn’t be able to slurp soy or curry based noodles anymore for fear of spots…)

Well, let’s hope he doesn’t do any mistake… for I will axe him out of my organization. But first, I got to spend more time to understand what his work is all about … hmmmm…

Sample blog entry of a “Pengarah bergaji tinggi yang terlampau” #3

I was out with Brutus the VP for golf today. Boy do I hate golf. Brutus said he hated golf too… but he said a successful leader without a golf club… is like a samurai without his blade. Or a hyena that frowns all day. Whatever. So, we have no choice but to go the way of the warrior - we play golf.

It is on these green golf courses, that businesses are discussed and alliances are forged… a place where big boys like us dress up like dorks to talk about high level stuffs. If you look it at an angle, it’s not entirely a bad thing really… but what peeved me the most, is that they don’t have enough chicks on golf courses. I’m beginning to suspect this is all a gay thing.

Perhaps I’m just jealous of the engineers - who gets to frolic around with scantily dressed bimbos at those young people clubs and all that. *pouts*

Sheesh… I think I’m gonna even that up by announcing a budget freeze tomorrow. Serves them right for having too much fun.

Sample blog entry of a “Pengarah bergaji tinggi yang terlampau” #4

Shit, it’s really tough to get people to work. My admin girl Lola was on medical today, and I had to get a set of really important documents photocopied. I tried to look for someone to help me out… as I’m too tied up replying emails from Brutus pertaining the missing golf balls that day. But everybody seems to be missing.

I tried to look up and down the office, but to no avail. Finally, I manage to stumble into a fat Indian lady who was holding a mop (one of our company products, I presume…). I asked for her help to get those set of documents photocopied… but instead of helping me, she yelled at me “PHOR DAHHH!!!” and continue to mop the floor. What kind of attitude was that???

In the end, I had to do it myself. Can you imagine that? Me as a director, had to photocopy my own documents! What kind of world has the world becometh? CheeBye. Took me an hour to figure out how to operate that stupid photocopier. Why can’t they make photocopiers to be as simple as a torchlight? Just point at document and flip a switch and you’ll get a duplicate copy. Told ya, engineers like to make things complicated. Arrghh!!!

I think I’m gonna freeze the budget for the entire year…

~~~~~

ahh~ my imaginations…

Note: The work above is purely fictional. Any similarity of characters to any living person on this planet is purely coincidental. And no, I do not have problems with my current boss. Yet.

PS: Mannn I still can’t get over the fact that I’ve lost those 5 comments from my previous post. Those were some really good comments… especially the one keyed by a guy called “tulan”. Whoever you are, so sorry bout that dude.

Somebody from the top organized a survey, asked me if there’s ONE THING that I’d like to bitch about my workplace. I was like “ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?????” I’ve got gazillions of things to bitch about! But I gave them one, nevertheless. Here it is (edited company name to retain my ass):

~~~~~
[Company name] has too many management level employees. Not only it created a void in the workforce (that is, the REAL people who actually gets work done), but also consumed larger shares on the allocated budget - limiting the annual pay increment of the middle/lower income executives. This will indirectly demotivate everyone and create a negative work environment. Sure enough, [company name] is a stable pillar for a lot of career seekers, but it is not a very good place to DEVELOP oneself.

See … it’s all good and I’m brilliant.
(I’m a middle level exec btw, you should hire more “abled” personnel like me.)
~~~~~

Am I fucking right or what? Should anyone of you want to use the response above for any means of conveniences, be my guest. Just insert your company name and you’re ready to go.

You’re welcome.

I was with the guys at this popular food joint for lunch today and was quite elated to find that it wasn’t as crowded as it has always been. Well, that’s because today’s a holiday and there weren’t that much hardworking people like us around. That makes our eat-out kinda relaxing today, you know, we get all the nice tables we want and got our food delivered lightning fast.

It all went well through the first 5 minutes, until a group of “shapeshifters” came in with a dozen of obnoxious kids.

Alright… you’d probably be wondering - what the fuck is a “shapeshifter” ? It’s my new term to describe those fucked up housewives. You see, the noun “housewife” is too general to describe that faction of contemptuous housewives whom I loathed, and can be unfair to those clean apples that fall within the same group.

So I did the next best thing - I stereotyped this group of people and called them “shapeshifters” instead. Why shapeshifter ? Here’s an illustration that pretty much explains everything.

So now you know what’s a “shapeshifter”…

Anyway, this group of shapeshifters… was leading a pack of boisterous kids into the food joint, making hell lot of a noise right next to our table. There were a few of them yelling concurrently at the kids, commanding them to hush the screaming and noises already. That’s right, they fucking yelled louder than their kids to quell their screaming. *shakes head*

Then they yelled more to command the kids to get at their seats and dragged the tables & chairs for a couple minutes before settling down at 2 separate tables. And we thought that’s about all we ever have to endure from them but we were so wrong. These shapeshifters, would continue to yell and scream throughout their meal (alright, maybe they were just talking but, it sounded very much like yelling to me) … spattering chunks of semi-chewed food on their tables… as if it has been ages since they had any contact with the outside world.

Somebody from our group actually said that these were probably some bumpkins that came out from the nearby bushes to celebrate Deepavali, but I don’t think that’s true as I can see that they are actually Chinese. Most probably, they’re from somewhere distant like Singapore. Whatever. Not that it matters anyway.

The thing that matters is how these people bring themselves about. Like, can you imagine if I were to be some alien visiting from outer fucking space ? What would I think of Earthlings ? Their simple act of rowdiness could have brought a major misconception of our world.

And pissing me off (as a visiting alien) would probably result me going over to their tables to suck their brains for dessert out of compulsion …. and THAT… would have caused an unnecessary pandemonium in a quiet Deepavali afternoon at that food joint.

Damn those shapeshifters. Can somebody please teach them some morals…