November 27, 2005

shapeshifter sightings

Know why I loath those shapeshifters so much? Coz they’re so damn fucking annoying.

I encountered a champion of them all a couple days ago. I was queuing up at KFC for my dinner, when I was ‘besieged’ by this goddamn succubus shapeshifter. Was in her 50’s and a deviation from the usual kind – She’s without the stereotypical cauliflower hairstyle (she had straights instead) and was as skinny as one of those stick insects.

She abruptly shoved to the front of where I stood and started to squint her eyes around the glow board display, as if she didn’t know what they were offering there. I wasn’t that peeved initially, that’s because I thought it was kinda normal for old people to act weird sometimes. But I changed my mind literally when she started to flail her skeletal arm all over her, almost hitting my face in the process.

I quickly took a step back to see what the fuck was that all about. From the spot she was standing, she gesticulated to her daughter (who was still outside the outlet) to come over to check out her achievement of the day – that she has just discovered a fucking fast food restaurant. No shit. Then with the other hand, she pointed at those pictures of fried animal body parts on top of the counter, and said the following

“I don’t see any fish meals here.” (She then went around hither and thither with her eyes locked to the displays, completely oblivious to the patrons queuing at the counter almost knocking them down.)

Can you believe that? She’s looking for a fish meal in a fried chicken outlet. How smart is that? I’m sure she (or her daughter) could have figured that they wouldn’t have named themselves Kentucky Fried Chicken if it isn’t just chickens that they’re selling. If they’re selling more than chickens, they probably would have called themselves Kentucky Fried Animals instead. Or perhaps Kentucky Fried Fucking Fish, if it’s just fish. Or simply, The Kentucky’s.

I reckoned that she must have mistaken KFC for McDonalds, because as far as I know, you can get basically all kinds of shits at Mac’s. Chicken, beef and fish. Hell, they even have pork in China. But that couldn’t have been the case – as McDonald’s has invested money to make sure nobody does that mistake… by installing a life sized statue of their freaky clown mascot with a conspicuously red colored wookie hairstyle at the entrance of all their outlets. (if you can actually notice, most clowns are conventionally bald… except Ronald)

And then, you think that she could be just joking around. But then, she wasn’t. It was said in a drop dead serious tone. Like how she would say to her doctor that she’s gonna need him to fix her ruptured uterus. And she didn’t sound like a demented Alzheimer patient either. That’s because she didn’t act like one. She acted like a plain consummate motherfucking bitch, that was how she acted like.

I’ve always been wondering what goes through such people’s mind. Don’t they ever try to be considerate at least a bit in public? Or simply, learn how to react appropriately to situations? What the fuck is wrong with them? What happened to the ethical values that they’ve learnt half of their fucking lives?

Here’s another one that I encountered today. A shapeshifter went up to a roti canai seller and shouted:
“THIS IS NOT ROTI SARDINE! THIS IS ROTI CANAI WITH SARDINE! ROTI MEANS BREAD!! AND THIS DOESN’T LOOK LIKE BREAD TO ME!!”

Fucks our brain, isn’t it? Acute behavioral disorder amongst the older housewives. I certainly hope that someday, someone will come up with an instant cure to all these madness. Maybe something in the form of an aerosol spray can. Each time these shapeshifters get difficult, we hop in front of them to give them a thorough spray around (like what you do to roaches)… and they’ll instantly become neutralized + behave themselves.

Man, how I wish that could come true. I will be so looking forward to install a high pressured big ass spray nozzle on Lorraine, and then I’m gonna drive around the neighborhood spraying them stupid like Aedes mosquitoes. Goddamn.

michaelooi  | rantings  | 

16 Comments to “shapeshifter sightings”

  1. caryn says:

    oh no… hope i don’t turn into one in the future… T.T

  2. Silencers says:

    Dude, you’re seriously surrounded by weirdest fucks on earth.

  3. alicia says:

    maybe the auntie was just wondering if KFC gonna turn to somewad like mcD dat offers not only burgers but fried chicken as well xD

  4. Quit Smoking says:

    Dude you really need to punch those cauliflower heads in the face, it’s the only way!

  5. kk says:

    Haha!! u was deeply affected by shapeshifters, had u regurgitated chicken or else fish? Sometimes these shapeshifters are just the “water fishes” or “ah gau” who are for the first time coming to town. As if shapeshiftering Santa is coming to town.

  6. aaron says:

    penang ppl mah…

  7. elphinstone says:

    i certainly PRAY that i dun turn into one (or God forbid, look like one!!!)

  8. Alex says:

    no shit. i was eating at kfc wif a few mates tat day when one popped the question. “hmm.. i wonder why they dun sell fish fillets like mcd”. so i asked him “u know wat kfc means?”. well perhaps they tot it’s King of Fish and Chips?

  9. michaelooi says:

    It actually isn’t really about the shape nor the looks either. It’s the behavior.

    I’m too lazy to even list them out here.

    (Damn, my connection has been crawwwwwwwling for the whole damn week…)

  10. hokkien lang says:

    may be the shapeshifter did ‘nt bring enough money or don’t know chicken means.
    about shapeshiter shout at mamak restaurant… may be she NOT malaysian….

  11. Jerry Su says:

    Do not criticise the elderly. For one day you too will be a leech.

  12. michaelooi says:

    hokkienlang – That’s not any restaurant. That’s a marketplace foodcourt. The housewife berated the indian guy in BeeEm. I guess if she isn’t a Malaysian, she could probably be some visiting martian that lives in a parallel world in a different galaxy that’s also called Malaysia.

    jerry – oooooh, that’s very educational. I didn’t know I’m gonna turn old one day. If you hadn’t had told me about it, I would have lived till I die as a young man. Thanks Jerry… for your shitass heads-up.

  13. Primrose says:

    I looovvee KFC and I loooovveee all sorts of (mamak) roti. *giggle* [goddamn]

  14. They probably be making up for all the lost bitching they were not able to get away with in their youth. Once upon a time, they might have been sweet, innocent chicks, like you said, shapeshifters. I don’t suppose its too hard to wish that the ugly fucks of today would become the babes (albeit older?) of tomorrow? Heh.

  15. souplad says:

    There are lotsa them over here in shanghai. Kena elbowed left right centre in the trains. Kena cut queue and step on the feet so many times. Luckily never kena spit at. damned shape shifters

  16. michaelooi says:

    I agree with souplad. The shapeshifters in China are kinda extreme. I once saw a shapeshifter went apeshit at an aquarium resort, just because the guard refused to let her enter the premise through the back door (she doesn’t want to pay for the entrance fee)

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