Archive for October, 2005

October 11, 2005

the cauliflower factor

I was driving back from lunch with the guys yesterday, when I found myself tailing behind this Proton Saga doing 40 kph on the freeway. It was moving right between the express lane and the inner lane – and kinda hogged the whole traffic up.

“What the fuck man ! people like this ought to be put to sleep !” I huffed to the guys.

From my car, I could see the silhouette of the driver’s head against the glaring bright background of the tarmac – to be of a housewife’s. You know, their trademark cauliflower hairstyle ? If a fly were to crash into that thicket of intertwined network of permed hairs, that insect’s not gonna make it out alive. And for some really extreme case, could even be a perfect sanctuary for Aedes mosquitoes. (That explains why all these fogging efforts by the gahmen have been so ineffective …)

“Another housewife driver… Goddamn !”

I was so tempted to trigger my super loud air horn to flip that sucker aside, but my conscience told me, that I shouldn’t. That’s because we’re all now in the holy month of Ramadhan, and some Chinese festival thingy. We’re not supposed to be mean to animals and all that. So, I kept my composure and didn’t blast that inconsiderate schmuck off… but to wait until the bottle neck clears into a 3 laner, and floored the accelerator to overtake her.

Then I took my car to where I could scornfully glower at that housewife right across from my passenger screen to her right side, but to my sheer dumbfuckedness, that driver wasn’t actually a housewife ! It was a Malay bloke with a Phua Chu Kang hairstyle !

That guy was having a jolly time inside his car bobbing his head, probably listening to some shitty music, oblivious to the assload of congestion he had induced behind him. A real motherfucking jerk. I was hoping that he’d look over at us bunch of people so that I could give him a finger or something, but he was too busy drifting into his own space right in that car.

If only I can extend a wrench up his ass… I couldn’t, so I sped off. (don’t ask me why I didn’t honk his ass, I don’t know why either…)

Seriously, I’m beginning to suspect this is a hairstyle thing. Like, once one dons a hairstyle like that, his/her driving skill will drop to a level comparable to someone who’s having a terminal stage of Alzheimers.

So….guys, if by any means your hair is shaped like a cauliflower or resembled something like an afro, put your head into the nearest toilet bowl, flush it wet, and shave it all off.
(Or we can ask the authorities to outlaw cauliflower hairstyle… if you’re caught with one, you’re gonna get your license suspended for 14 months…)

michaelooi  | traffic shit  | 18 Comments
October 9, 2005

that creature’s mouth

explicit content ahead. Not a recommended read for kids and retards.

I’m not sure if anyone actually remembers their first close up view of a cunt. But I sure remembered mine. I was only 13 when I discovered the ultimate truth, and no… I had no clue that it was suppose to look like that. You know, folds of dark corrugated skin that forms out into what seemed like the mouth of an outer fucking space creature (or a rodent that has just been run over by a truck… whatever). And what’s worse, when that darn mouth secretes those gooey smegma, it’s not something you would want to see when you’re having dinner.

You see, back then… kids like us weren’t that smart like those we have today. Sure enough, we’re smart at biffing up wussies and cheating in exam, but the smart I’m talking about, are the in’s and out’s of the opposite sex. We’re pretty much as parochial and clueless like lab rats when it comes to understanding about female genitalia. We don’t get the luxury of information from the internet. We can’t fire up our browsers and readily load pictures of twats and titties at the discretion of our hormones and fingertips. Uh uh. We did it the hard way, discover everything from a blind man’s touch.

So, how did it happen ? It was one of my school buddy. He brought a hardcore porn mag to school. It’s sad I know, that my first close-up encounter with a beaver was not actually a real human, but pages of glossy dyes printed on some low grade wooden pulps. But hey, at least I made clear of that before the actual encounter, and prevented myself from looking like a total dork on my first night.

At 13, I didn’t know what to expect. I thought female cunts are just as simple as buttcracks. Just 2 slices of pork chops pressing together forming a tight fissure, with a triangular patch of furry pubes in front. Of course, I knew that we guys are suppose to insert our dick in there and jerk as fast as we could to have sex… but little did I know about the actual anatomy of a cunt. So, when my buddy began to flip that book of life before my very eyes, I almost barfed.

“Damn !!! That’s revolting !! I thought it’s just a crack !!”

That was my reaction as my eyes locked on the tragically formed biological terror. My friend told me maybe it was like that because that cunt belonged to a whore… that’s why it was so catastrophic like that. I don’t know but, his explanation seemed plausible back then. Maybe she was shagged for too many times and that was why it looked like that.

Then came to the final pages of the thin mag, when it showed a man going down to lick and suck on that girl’s labium (my first learning about cunnilingus). There, we saw these tremendous volume of semi-viscous liquid began to ooze out from that motherfucking piece of ugly mouth. It irked me to the very bone. Like …hell… it was already looking bad enough, why would anyone think of sucking some juice out of that thing??

It was certainly an eye opening experience for all of us juveniles that day. (though freaked some of us out). But little did we know, that this odd looking piece of human anatomy … will be one of the very few objects that’s gonna drive us men crazy in a few years’ time.

The irony of life indeed.

michaelooi  | escapades  | 17 Comments
October 6, 2005

muse

When a job applicant fails his IQ test during an interview, the person will be hired to become managers and directors. And for those who passes with flying colors, they’re gonna make them engineers.

I’ve always wondered, if a transvestite happens to be stopped by a traffic police, is he gonna show his driving license as a man or a transgender ? Does the odd-even identification coding still apply to such individual? Or if a transvestite squeezes another bona fide woman’s tits, is he liable for sexual harassment ? This is so intriguing.

Have you ever wondered if we humans were to have hooves instead of fingers, how would we be able to pick our ears/nose when it’s itchy like that ? Errrmm, I know I should be looking at the big picture like we probably won’t be able to build technology or wank ourselves but… it’s those little thing we think that makes us unique. *picks my nose*

Bryan Adams almost made my company lose a few hundred bucks today. I was too taken away on my own rendition of “Please Forgive Me” in the lab, when my beg-for-forgiveness gesticulation knocked off a 15.4″ WXGA LCD panel sitting precariously on my messy bench … sending it crashing 4 ft down onto the cold hard floor. The LCD, however, lived through the episode …. scared the shit out of me. (I wish I’m as emotionless as a cow sometimes… sheesh).

I think roti canai is cursed. Why ? It’s cursed in such way that it’s only possible to be prepared by males only. I’ve never actually seen a lady preparing roti canais before… until today. The roti canai dude took an emergency today and was replaced by a young Malay lady. The roti canai she made ? Tasted like a mousepad. Flat and stiff.

The management stresses that it is important that we have some work-life balance. I suppose that was said to keep us employees content and all that. Yeah, like who the fuck cares. Just pay us more money and we’d be happy enough to work without qualms… balanced or not. I don’t understand why can’t they figure that out already.

michaelooi  | ramblings  | 19 Comments
October 4, 2005

cows are very kayu

I was driving on a stretch of country road the other day, saw a brown cow grazing very close by the side of the road. I quickly slowed my car down … and approached that bovine slowly. My colleagues, not being understanding enough of me, thought I was just being cautious that the animal might jump out on the road causing an accident… but they were needless to say – VERY WRONG about that. I actually slowed down to air honk that cow.

Excited like an 8 year old who discovered the beauty of fire… I drove near enough right beside it and yanked my steering horn. Lorraine blared out like a champ and the loud honk reverberated across half the palm oil plantation (yep, it’s a road that cuts through a plantation). Now my expectation ? The cow to jolt up like some few thousand kilowatts of current went through it… or at least to skedaddle towards a nearby ditch and dive head first into it.

But that didn’t happen. The cow would just nonchalantly look over its shoulder, as if some credit card salesman had just called up on him. I was so fucking disappointed with that cow. Like, how could one be so stodgy and stagnant like that ? I mean, did God forget to install the reflex mechanism in this goddamn animal? Or that particular cow has a malfunctioned reflex system? I don’t fucking know. That was when I yelled out : “Damn, do they even have feelings ???” – (I believe I was actually thinking of my boss at that time, though I may be vociferating at that goddamn cow)

I’d wager that if that animal were to be a housewife grazing instead of a cow, the result would have been totally the opposite. You’ll see some jolting, scampering, probably some dramatic act as well … like maybe losing her wig or handbag, wave fist in the air shouting profanities that only she can hear herself. Damn that would be so wicked !

Or if it’s a cat. Cats are like covalent 1 materials. They’re highly reactive to EVERYTHING. So, it doesn’t take much for one to imagine what it’s like to honk a cat. I once honked a feline crossing the road … and it got so freaked out and bolted off blindly towards my car knocking its own head. Hell I laughed so hard, that I almost forgot to make a turn into a junction (which I was supposed to turn…)

But cows, they’re no fun. They suck. They only taste good in curries, nothing else. Leave me alone.

michaelooi  | escapades  | 23 Comments
October 2, 2005

our Fear Factor

By now, most of you people would have probably heard of Asian Fear Factor getting hosted in Malaysia. Everyone’s so excited about it because the organizers think that it’ll improve our tourism industry and shits like that. (albeit I don’t quite see the connection here, seriously).

But, what the fuck, improve tourism or not, somebody’s gotta get their asses creamed… don’t they ? For they’ve failed to realize, us bunch of Malaysians have A LOT more of kinky factors for them to fearrrrrrrrr.

Well, my BODs and I actually managed to come up with some Malaysian stunts that we could use for the show… brainstormed during an outing on the weekend. (and no, our ideas weren’t fueled by alcohol at all – they’re perfectly safe…. at your own risk).

Kids… remember, don’t do this at home. Just….anywhere else but at home…

Wash the beggar
I’m very sure you guys have seen them, those beggars with filthy wax-like-a-chump long hair that smells like a decomposed wet rug. Hell they stink so bad, that you would want to barf right away and keel over. No doubt that they’re a walking hazard to the public… (and we’ve plenty of these people on our Malaysian streets)

But with a little creativity, we can actually put their eccentric traits into good use. Like in this case, as an element of fear in the Fear Factor program. How ? Simple. Each contestant will be given a bar of soap and 2 barrels of water to wash these dirty motherfucker’s hair. Those who completes the stunt will advance to the next level … and those who barfs, or passes out, will be eliminated from the game.

Canine stunt
Rottweilers, this name shudders our very thought. They’re fucking big and badass. I bet if they were to be bestowed with a pair of human hands, these vicious doggies would use it to tot an Uzi to rob some banks and rape some chicks. No shit. But then, submitting to the will of nature, we’re lucky that these fuckers are only good at biting… and they bite hard.

Contestants will be asked to strip naked and don a fake kitty mask on their face. They will be asked to run stark naked around a cage full of these starved Rottweilers to collect some flags and stick it on their asses. The one who collects most flags in under a limited time will advance to the next level.

Aromatic Bangladeshis
You’ll always know when a Bangla is around. That’s because they have such a bad body odor, they’re part of the cause of our rising Malaysian air pollutant index (API). God knows how many Indonesian maids have been killed while having sex with these roach-smelling scum. Thousands more would suffer a slow painful death from unknown chronic diseases.

This shall be one of the toughest stunt the contestants have to face. Those who could breath under a Bangla’s armpit for the longest period of time, will win the stunt. As usual, anyone who passes out (or killed) gets eliminated. (this stunt is extremely dangerous but hey ! This is Fear Factor… not the Giddy game show… so, shut the fuck up and quit whining).

Sup Spesial Indonesia
I bet you people have noticed a menacing decline in intelligence amongst the richer Malaysians. Especially those who holds the higher management posts. Why ? Well, that’s because they’ve been feeding on these special soups prepared by their diabolical Indonesian maids. Soup made of human feces, used sanitary pads, smegmas, nasty-yellowish-discharges-from-cunts, etc etc.

Alright, these soups shall definitely be featured in our Malaysian Fear Factor. Contestants are required to toss a couple of dice to determine the amount of LITERS of these “Sup Spesial Indonesia” that they’re gonna consume. Again, those who barfs or blacks out while consuming these soups, will be eliminated from the game.

Minibus stunt
When I watched the western version Fear Factor featuring those stunts that involve those big rigs, I laughed to myself. Man, what is that compared to our minibus drivers … who are capable of drifting on 2 wheels and speed exceeding 150% of the allowed limit ? Goddamn.

This would be a good chance for us Malaysians to show them gweilos who’s da boss. We’re gonna make the contestants climb on these speeding minibuses to collect flags, emblems or whatever. Those who collects the most objects without getting killed, gets to go to the next level.

Deep murky water
In the original Fear Factor, the organizers tried in vain to emulate the fear of diving into dark waters – where the contestants are asked to submerge into a pool of gruesome ink pond filled with decomposed squids to collect some beacon under a timed period. But hell, that’s so lame compared to our contaminated Malaysian rivers.

I’d quote Sg. Pinang in Penang for example. It is filled not only with dead squids, but dead “everything”. Cats, dogs, fishes, snakes, you name it. The water is not dark, but it’s greasy black. It’s oxygen content = NIL. That would be some challenge. Contestants shall be asked to retrieve some sticks at the bottom of the river (which amongst the sticks, might even find some unwanted festering organic waste…). Those who survives the stunt, gets to advance the level. Those who doesn’t, well… too bad.

Well, that’s about it I guess. We actually came up with a couple dozens more, but can’t remember most of it.
(My buddy Charles actually came up with the idea of riding on a Nuri helicopter to make a few turns, but I think that’s a bit too dangerous.)

michaelooi  | enlightenments  | 17 Comments