October 2, 2005

our Fear Factor

By now, most of you people would have probably heard of Asian Fear Factor getting hosted in Malaysia. Everyone’s so excited about it because the organizers think that it’ll improve our tourism industry and shits like that. (albeit I don’t quite see the connection here, seriously).

But, what the fuck, improve tourism or not, somebody’s gotta get their asses creamed… don’t they ? For they’ve failed to realize, us bunch of Malaysians have A LOT more of kinky factors for them to fearrrrrrrrr.

Well, my BODs and I actually managed to come up with some Malaysian stunts that we could use for the show… brainstormed during an outing on the weekend. (and no, our ideas weren’t fueled by alcohol at all – they’re perfectly safe…. at your own risk).

Kids… remember, don’t do this at home. Just….anywhere else but at home…

Wash the beggar
I’m very sure you guys have seen them, those beggars with filthy wax-like-a-chump long hair that smells like a decomposed wet rug. Hell they stink so bad, that you would want to barf right away and keel over. No doubt that they’re a walking hazard to the public… (and we’ve plenty of these people on our Malaysian streets)

But with a little creativity, we can actually put their eccentric traits into good use. Like in this case, as an element of fear in the Fear Factor program. How ? Simple. Each contestant will be given a bar of soap and 2 barrels of water to wash these dirty motherfucker’s hair. Those who completes the stunt will advance to the next level … and those who barfs, or passes out, will be eliminated from the game.

Canine stunt
Rottweilers, this name shudders our very thought. They’re fucking big and badass. I bet if they were to be bestowed with a pair of human hands, these vicious doggies would use it to tot an Uzi to rob some banks and rape some chicks. No shit. But then, submitting to the will of nature, we’re lucky that these fuckers are only good at biting… and they bite hard.

Contestants will be asked to strip naked and don a fake kitty mask on their face. They will be asked to run stark naked around a cage full of these starved Rottweilers to collect some flags and stick it on their asses. The one who collects most flags in under a limited time will advance to the next level.

Aromatic Bangladeshis
You’ll always know when a Bangla is around. That’s because they have such a bad body odor, they’re part of the cause of our rising Malaysian air pollutant index (API). God knows how many Indonesian maids have been killed while having sex with these roach-smelling scum. Thousands more would suffer a slow painful death from unknown chronic diseases.

This shall be one of the toughest stunt the contestants have to face. Those who could breath under a Bangla’s armpit for the longest period of time, will win the stunt. As usual, anyone who passes out (or killed) gets eliminated. (this stunt is extremely dangerous but hey ! This is Fear Factor… not the Giddy game show… so, shut the fuck up and quit whining).

Sup Spesial Indonesia
I bet you people have noticed a menacing decline in intelligence amongst the richer Malaysians. Especially those who holds the higher management posts. Why ? Well, that’s because they’ve been feeding on these special soups prepared by their diabolical Indonesian maids. Soup made of human feces, used sanitary pads, smegmas, nasty-yellowish-discharges-from-cunts, etc etc.

Alright, these soups shall definitely be featured in our Malaysian Fear Factor. Contestants are required to toss a couple of dice to determine the amount of LITERS of these “Sup Spesial Indonesia” that they’re gonna consume. Again, those who barfs or blacks out while consuming these soups, will be eliminated from the game.

Minibus stunt
When I watched the western version Fear Factor featuring those stunts that involve those big rigs, I laughed to myself. Man, what is that compared to our minibus drivers … who are capable of drifting on 2 wheels and speed exceeding 150% of the allowed limit ? Goddamn.

This would be a good chance for us Malaysians to show them gweilos who’s da boss. We’re gonna make the contestants climb on these speeding minibuses to collect flags, emblems or whatever. Those who collects the most objects without getting killed, gets to go to the next level.

Deep murky water
In the original Fear Factor, the organizers tried in vain to emulate the fear of diving into dark waters – where the contestants are asked to submerge into a pool of gruesome ink pond filled with decomposed squids to collect some beacon under a timed period. But hell, that’s so lame compared to our contaminated Malaysian rivers.

I’d quote Sg. Pinang in Penang for example. It is filled not only with dead squids, but dead “everything”. Cats, dogs, fishes, snakes, you name it. The water is not dark, but it’s greasy black. It’s oxygen content = NIL. That would be some challenge. Contestants shall be asked to retrieve some sticks at the bottom of the river (which amongst the sticks, might even find some unwanted festering organic waste…). Those who survives the stunt, gets to advance the level. Those who doesn’t, well… too bad.

Well, that’s about it I guess. We actually came up with a couple dozens more, but can’t remember most of it.
(My buddy Charles actually came up with the idea of riding on a Nuri helicopter to make a few turns, but I think that’s a bit too dangerous.)

michaelooi  | enlightenments  | 

17 Comments to “our Fear Factor”

  1. megabigblur says:

    I beg to differ. Use the Melaka River instead. The grass by the side of the river is DEAD up to 10 feet away from the water level.

    Or Sungai Ujong in Seremban (the ‘giant longkang’). A kid drowned in there when I was in Form 1…so there’s an element of real danger!

  2. KY says:

    taking a dump at public toilet (say, the jeti one) would do justice on this list too.

  3. rootified says:

    i like this one… hah

  4. Alex says:

    The toilet challenge. Stay in a public toilet for like 10 mins or so.

  5. moo_t says:

    ROFL. Agree, sitting in the nuri helicopter is the most dangerous stunt. ;)

  6. 100 says:

    If those are foreigners, eat as many durian as possible. Local, take it with bacardi…(in the name of the merciful God, I pray peace be for thy soul)

  7. michaelooi says:

    KY – Yeah man. Our Malaysian public toilets are fucking disgusting (but they’re far better than those in China…)

    rootified – There suppose to be a name for it. But I don’t know what it is…

    megabigblur – Yep, any river will do. As long as nothing could live through it… heheh

    alex – No man, that’ll be way too dangerous than the Nuri stunt. Our limit is somebody’s life…ok ? Not the sky.

    moo_t – or a bus ride across Jelapang toll. Kih kih …

    100 – Some foreigners like durian lar weh. Maybe we can use cencaluk. Or those budur from Kelantan. Those things smelled like dead lizard to me… (but surprisingly, tasted kinda nice)…

  8. maddy says:

    ROFL! Good idea~Geng lor!! Liddat also can..*salute*

  9. Dookiez says:

    Bwahaha.. What a coincidence. Talked to my Director about Penang version of Fear Factor during lunch just now.. Bwahahaha.. darn. Wey Micheal Ooi @ Heavenly .. this coming raya.. come to my house mah.. whack some KURMA LEMBU!!

  10. howsy says:

    Hey…no need to think far… just put the contestants in Port Klang’s API Emergency level-worthy haze and see who came out last wins.

  11. 100 says:

    Mike, I am from Kelantan la and budu rocks!!

  12. belacans says:

    put them in a room full of fermenting belacans. sei ng sei? hehehe

  13. crazysocket says:

    they should build disneyland in malaysia instead.

  14. hokkien lang says:

    soup spesel indonesia…?
    we got oledi maikel….we call it ‘nasi kangkang’
    if you don’t belive me, ask your malay friend….
    there will sure curse you…..
    a very good and EVIL ‘kong thau’
    but olny done by women olny. man? we mana got lar!

  15. ogringgo says:

    your comments are racist in nature (indonesians and banglas). u’re a person who would pick on those who are weaker and less fortunate. you’re not evil you are a coward.
    I know u type of people, given a chance you would direct your insults on other races in malaysia. be careful where u thread your filthy mouth because you could stir real evil.


    anti-racist troll

  16. michaelooi says:

    ogringgo – Yeah ? How bout yourself ? Excuse me but, “gringgo” ? ‘Gringo’ is a denigrating term for the whites by South Americans… what do you have to say about that ? (even though you deliberately added a “G” into the word, but pronunciation wise… it’s no different)

    Just go fuck yourself, moron. You’re a fucking racist in disguise. I hope you’ll die getting ass raped by skinheads.

  17. put3put4 says:

    Ur MY version of fear factors is amazing.
    Beggar – yes, I’ve seen
    Blanga – yes, lanchiau aroma do flow into my house
    Indochick – worse, lots of hearsay, I heard 1; [panty+bra, boiled with soup]
    I don’t know how to call this kind of soup??
    The rests – common envirous/scenarios
    How about collecting [by hand? by lorry? by ??] decaying organic sampah [found here and there] that full of maggots?
    How about cuci longkang?
    environmental effects + dengue free!

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