Archive for October, 2005

October 30, 2005

the wedgie

I experienced it AGAIN. The feeling of wearing a thong. I’ve blogged about my first accidental discovery before … and very well learnt the lesson not to wear a loose underwear to work ever again.

But this time, it didn’t happen at work. It happened out of sheer randomness. You know, when you’re very sure you’re not gonna make the same stupid boner you’ve been reminding yourself not to make ? Then WHAM – it just happens.

This time, the fault lies on my loose shorts. You see, I was in my casual attire – a pair of bermuda shorts and my flip flops. Was doing something fairly important when I realized that my shorts are shifting lower at the waistline. Well, that was because I had heaps of stuffs in my pockets, you know, keys and shits like that. The weight of those stuffs kept pulling my shorts lower mooning out my underwear-ed ass.

Because I do not fancy exhibiting my bum to the public like those ah lians, I took some effort to pull my shorts back up each time it slides down my ass. So it was kinda like a routine thingy, me pulling my shorts every few minutes or so. But there was this one time, I pulled the wrong part the whole thing. Instead of pulling the sliding shorts, I made a mistake and pulled MY UNDERWEAR!

And because I pulled too hard, it sort of created a nasty wedgie right in the center of my buttcrack. If you can imagine the situation, my underwear is now higher than my shorts and my buttcheeks felt cold like they were naked like that. If you remember Marky Mark and his infamous Calvin Klein underwear advert, yeah … it’s almost the same except, I’m fucking doing it with a wedgie !

My reflex was fast, I hopped to a secluded corner and even up the whole situation by doing some frantic tuck-in’s. In the process, I also surveyed if there was any reputation damage been done. Thank god, no. I couldn’t imagine if the entire blooper were to be witnessed by a kid … could probably scar that little guy’s childhood and turn him into a deranged serial killer or something.

I was unlucky for the indignity that happened, and a little bit lucky that nobody saw it.

michaelooi  | happenings  | 7 Comments
October 28, 2005

craps we learnt

Top 5 crappiest subjects that are being taught in school :

1) Pendidikan Moral.
Supposedly, this subject is to educate the youngs about how not to be assholes – turned out to be quite the opposite. More often than not, moral values are being taught at home by our parents with a cane or a baseball bat. But as we grow up to school, we’re being taught with something that conflicts with what we have learnt at home and some even to the extend of betraying our own conscience. There’s just too many examples to quote but here’s one that I remember :

Q: You’re cruising very slowly across a rural housing area. Suddenly a pregnant lady leaps out of nowhere and faints right in front of your car. Because you have one hell of a kickass car with ABS, you manage to brake in time. Some farmers witness the incident and misunderstand that you hit the pregnant lady – but you know you’re innocent. The pregnant lady still lays unconscious on the road and you can see droves of farmers running out with pitchforks and big ass sticks… what would you do ?
a) Try to explain to farmers and convince them it’s not your fault
b) Try to convince farmers to help pregnant lady first and you’ll explain everything later.
c) Ignore farmers and help pregnant lady (submit to fate of what those farmers are gonna do to your ass)
d) Floor accelerator and flee to the nearest police station.

Because I’m nice, I got the answer wrong. You figure the answer.

2) Bahasa Klasik
This is the most ridiculous subject we learn at school. I’m not too sure if it’s still being taught in the schools today but, hell, it was definitely a total turn off back a decade and a half ago. I still couldn’t figure out how this Bahasa Klasik knowledge would fit in our everyday life but to make one sound like a total fucked up person. I mean, sure enough, we learn about in’s and out’s about languages to communicate and all that but this … is hardly useful at all. Like, have you ever communicated in Bahasa Klasik anywhere in the public today ? You’d be fucked up if you did.

Here’s an example of asking a girl out using Bahasa Klasik :

“Oh adinda yang kiut-miut bagaikan mutiara di Laut Cina Selatan, sudikah anda bersantap bersama kakanda di Terima Kasih Kepada Tuhan Kerana Hari Ini Jumaat ?”

If the example above sounded ridiculous to you, then yes, it’s supposed to be like that. If you somehow manage to decipher what I was trying to say up there, well, that means I’m not very good at Bahasa Klasik. It’s basically full of confusion and blurness of the flowery way of saying things. How I loathed Bahasa Klasik. Ptuiiii !!

3) Pendidikan Seni
That bluntly translates as Art Education. We’re suppose to learn about arts. But we don’t. Well, at least up to Standard 6 anyway. What I remember is, we will be given an odd title – like “an old building” or “a crippled dog boning a cat” – and then we’ll be asked to submit our work the next day or face the wrath of the psychotic art teacher.

Man… does that sound like ‘education’ to you ? Fuck no. Did we learn about historically significant paintings the world has ever known and how it was produced ? Fuck no. Did we learn about reflections and refractions and colors and how natural objects emit radiation in reality? FUCK NO. What did we learn ? How to siphon marks off to be academically competent. That’s smart.

4) Pendidikan Jasmani
That’s our PE. Physical Exercise. Like Art Education, this is hardly any education at all. Though I liked this PE thing a lot, but it ain’t doing us any good academically. Nor does it serve any purpose of enhancing our understanding of getting healthy and staying fit. What did we do ? Well, the teacher would give us a ball and we were asked to play ourselves (NOOOOO you dirty minded fucks… it’s the ball game… ). Something which we already knew and in that fact, very well. Why educate us something we already knew ?

When the time comes for us to get certified, the teacher would just ask us to perform a couple rounds of runs, bench presses and sit ups to grade our fitness. And that’s about it. (that kinda reminded me of my friend who actually farted when he attempted to perform a sit up maneuver, almost got all of us killed when his flatulence gassed the entire volleyball court)

Pendidikan Jasmani. It’s a bunch of crap if you were to ask me. The time could have been used to learn something more useful like how to ride a bike properly on the road … or how to skin a live chicken… whichever applies.

5) Pendidikan Muzik
That’s the name of our music class goddamn it. In our primary years, it’s a compulsory subject. No we do not get to learn how to play musical instruments or how to read those bean sprout hieroglyphics … but to snap our fingers and sing along to those gaudy tunes with that ratfink teacher with cauliflower hairstyle. I remember one or two of those gay songs (fuck, it’s imbued in my brain… thanks to those fags)

Susu dan jagung, kacang dan lengkong, air gula berwarrrrnaaa… [snap fingers]…

That’s so fucked up man. Little did they know that I was already able to recite the full length of some Bee Gees tune at that age. What an insult. I wonder why can’t they teach us how to play musical instruments instead ? What’s with all those singing nonsense ? For your information of how bad it is, one of my classmates actually turned into a transvestite. God knows how many more turned gay. I’m thankful that I’m straight with a healthy length.

So there you have it. Some seriously flawed subjects. I’m not sure if this is about my school or is this a whole nation thing. If I were to be put charge on these whole education matter, I would have emphasized on following areas

1) languages (English, BeeEm) – to communicate and pave way for learning more stuffs. There’s once I ordered something in English at KFC – “no wings and drumstick”… and the server thought I was trying to ask her telephone number. We’ve got some really serious illiterates out there who can’t even communicate in plain English…

2) mathematics – foundation for the sciences. Essential for everyday life, nuff said.

3) sciences – biology, physics and chemistry. The key foundation to improve life. Without engineering and sciences, we would still be wearing furs and hunt animals for food.

4) geography – that’s important too. I’ve seen a video clip of some dimwits pointing to Australia when being asked where North Korea is. This is not good. You’ve got to know the planet you live on.

5) logic – my self invented subject. Something to teach the children about logic. Like how not to upset a dog when you’re defenseless. How not to disrespect your mom when she’s holding a cane. How not to burn things when there are explosives around. Things like that.

And I wonder, why didn’t they teach our children about traffic rules at younger age ? What’s the use of education if they can’t even drive/ride safely past the productive age of adolescence ? *shakes head*

michaelooi  | thoughts  | 31 Comments
October 23, 2005

old man

The old man ended his suffering today. He’s not ill anymore.

I’ll be back in a few days.

michaelooi  | personal  | Comments Off
October 21, 2005

bonjela

Tell me… people, if you happen to encounter a work colleague who has a really bad case of body odor… so severe that it’s affecting your health… what would you do ? Confront him/her directly ? Or are you gonna rhetorically hint him/her about it ? (this is not the first time I’ve asked this question…)

Well, Emily and her workplace cronies have this lady colleague (let’s call her Bonjela for convenience’ sake) in their department who reeks of a dog poo (serious !), all the fucking time. Nobody knows where does that odor come from … but their best guess is her hair. She probably doesn’t wash her hair as frequent as she should have… which somehow causes her scalp to decompose or something.

Here’s an idea how bad it is — there’s once, Emily suddenly caught an abnormally strong smell from Bonjela’s direction … and asked her bluntly if she had stepped on a dog poo. When she denied, Emily kinda looked around for that imaginary dog poo until she finally realized that it was Bonjela’s BO. She’s like… a walking toilet.

To make the situation even worse, Bonjela is also known to be an extreme sourpuss with the IQ level of a used tampon. She would get upset over the smallest of matter and everyone is afraid to confront her about her shitty stench. Doing that might probably get you some heavy object landing on your head. (this Bonjela bitch is like … HUUGGE. Her tits alone could choke Godzilla purple.)

She gagged the whole office so bad … that someone actually came up to the departmental senior accountant (who is Bonjela’s boss) to complain about the poo smelling adversity she has caused. That was when the rest of the staff actually badgered the senior accountant to confront Bonjela about it … you know, as a boss who’s very concerned over the well being of the workplace.

Guess what ? The lady boss herself got freaked out ! She said that she’s damn afraid that Bonjela might have cooties leaping from her head and the last thing she want is some shit smelling cooties infesting her own body affecting her family life. And that sorta put everyone in the office into some kind of fucked up situation … just because of one person with a bad case of body odor.

Well, what can I say, if I were to be working in the same office, I think I might be facing the same problem as well – not knowing what to do. You see, I can be a very smart guy… but when it comes to confronting people about their bad things, I’m always a sucker. Instead of making a person feel guilty and improve, I’ll probably make the person feel like shit and start going postal or even commit suicide.

But if the bitch continues to be such a pain, I think the unfortunate team there might have to consider using violence instead. Just like how you would do to a rampaging wild elephant that goes around stomping on people. Example of what they can do – sneak behind her (Bonjela), stun her with a cattle prod or something. Once that bitch blacks out, pour plenty of kerosene (or bleach acid) to neutralize odor. Drag unconscious bitch out of building. Put a letter of termination (explain everything) and her 6 months advanced paycheck on her chest. Change locks and access codes. Call lawyer.

A bit harsh but hey… it gets the job done. Unless you people have better suggestions. But until then, let’s all pray for the well being of the suffering victims inside Emily’s office.

michaelooi  | characters  | 29 Comments
October 20, 2005

michelle

There’s this super fucked up guy in my workplace sent me a mail today. In the mail, I was asked to look into an error inside an electronic form, purportedly submitted by myself.

That’s strange – I thought… as I do not recall if I’ve submitted any electronic form in the recent months. Even if I did, I wouldn’t have left a mistake shallow enough to let that twerp discover it (aisehman).

And so, I took the trouble to access the form from the link he provided … and immediately figured out what the problem was.

The form, was actually submitted by another employee who goes by the name “Michelle”… who also shares the same last name as myself.

Yes, the fucked up guy made a terrible boner. He somehow mistaken “Michelle” … as the meanest guy engineer ever known in his workplace … who goes by the name – Michael (fuck, that’s me)

I initially thought of walking over to that fucker’s desk to ask him, do I fucking look, in any way, feminine to him ? Or rather, get him to point out which part of me that somehow made him think I’m “Michelle”…

Probably to further illustrate my message, I would whip out my dick to break his monitor screen to let him know – the difference between Michelle and Michael … would be a rock hard dick and a broken monitor screen away. But then, I figured that I might probably get stitches for doing that (broken monitor screen can be dangerous bebeh…)

So, I decided to send an email instead. Safer way to get the point across. Here’s what I replied him (in big bolded red font):

A colleague told me that I could face disciplinary action for using big bolded texts in my mail… as some people might feel offended over it.

Well, what do I care… I’m just a fucking engineer, not a whore. Pleasing people is not my job. Besides, I should be the one to feel offended, and he should count his blessings already that he still can see something off his monitor.

michaelooi  | work shit  | 21 Comments