Archive for September, 2005

September 13, 2005

stamp stamp

Received a pop up from a stranger in my ICQ … (name was changed to protect the endangered Bengal tigers…)

[20:42] licklick : Hello , I am licklick from Seremban .Can I be your friend? I am the one who crazy for stamps, maybe we can exchange it. What do you think? Hope to hear from you. Thx!

[20:44] heavenly (my androgynous nick in ICQ) : licklick … stamps are outdated now. Perhaps, you might want to switch to collecting USB drive keychains instead…

[20:44] licklick : hmm….I just like stamps

[20:44] licklick : It is ok, thx for reply me. Bye

[20:45] heavenly : Ok, hope you get plenty of fun licking them.

I collect dust and zits nowadays.

michaelooi  | e-chats  | 13 Comments
September 12, 2005

blurred

SLOTHS ! Why do we hire so many sloths to work in the government sectors ?? What the fuck is wrong with these people ???

Went to collect my MyKad today… and guess what ? I met a sloth. No no… many sloths. But there’s only 1 particular sloth that actually peeved me. The rest peeved the others.

I was in this queue, you see… and I had to stand there for more than 20 minutes – just because the sloth’s computer locked up. Guess how she confronted her problem ? She smiled at the screen and talked to herself. And when the queue got longer and crowd getting impatient, she would talk to herself louder “lambat lar… apa ni … lambat lar…”. Yeah fuck…of course it’s lambat… that’s because it had stopped responding, dipshit.

She would continue the same pattern for the next 5 minutes, until her porcine colleague came over to ask her reset the goddamn computer. She then lit up like a light bulb, and jovially dived under her desk to press that reset button (like she’s gonna get stock options for doing that) and waited for it to reboot.

Sure enough it finally rebooted, came the login screen. Sloth then typed her login ID but it didn’t work. She tried and tried again with the same ID/password… probably hoping that the computer’s gonna be forgiving enough to let it through… but of course it didn’t. She then turned over to blimp colleague and told her that her login’s fucked. Pig had her own problems to worry about and asked her to figure herself.

Ok, let’s pause here. If you were to be in that sloth’s situation, what would you do next ?

a) Ditch your post, and run to the nearest IT admin to call for help.
b) Ditch your post, and walk to the nearest IT admin to call for help.
c) Pick up the telephone, and CALL the nearest IT admin for help.
d) Sit around, look at the screen and hope that your login ID will get through magically.

That sloth picked D. No shit.

It took her another 5 more fucking minutes before she figured out that she needed to call someone. And that was only because a few blokes there were getting really riled up with the delay… and was about to shout “PUKI AYAM LU !” at her …

But that sloth was sure lucky… somehow after a couple of her cross office phone calls, she managed to get her ID to work. (probably her IT admin unlocked it for her).

*sigh* Vision 2020, it’s blurred.

michaelooi  | rantings  | 19 Comments
September 11, 2005

gift

My colleague Wilson is organizing a birthday party for his 3 year old toddler. And he invited me. I do not know why it seemed appropriate for him to invite me to his son’s birthday party but … if I were to be him, the only grown up person that I’m gonna be inviting for my kid’s birthday party would probably be a clown.

I questioned him “Dude, shouldn’t you be inviting kids to your son’s birthday party ? Why a bloke like me ?”

To which, Wilson replied “We can take this opportunity to hang out and consume some alcohol…”

Simply great. His son’s gonna be so thrilled to learn about the magic potion 14 years in advance. “Mom look at daddy ! He’s pissing with his mouth !”

Anyway, I actually proposed to him that he should probably invite half a dozen girls for his son’s birthday … and quarantine him with them inside a locked room…. you know, let him socialize a bit and romp. Man if my dad were to do that on my birthday, I’m gonna worship him as god. No shit.

Well, after a few moments of bantering, I finally accepted his invitation to attend his son’s birthday party this coming Saturday. But I have a problem. What should I get for his kid ?

That actually prompted me to ask myself, what did I like when I was a kid ? Hell, I don’t really know what I liked when I was 3. Probably if you were to ask me today, I’d say I would like to have a pair of dainty rack to suck at please. But too bad, it’s not my birthday. (and I never had my own birthday party before…)

I only remembered that I was kinda crazy about kites and some of those bamboo blowpipes (to shoot my classmates) when I was very young.

But hell, where do I get those stuffs nowadays ? Kids today fancy about computer/console games more than anything else. And when they grow older, they’re gonna settle off with porns and grow fatter in front of their computer screen jerking off. Probably would fancy some sterilized wipes to clean up their cum instead … whatever.

So I thought of buying him a gun set with live rubber bullets to shoot around. Hopefully, to break a few vases at home to beckon more of his dad’s attention. And I went around to scour for something that fits the profile.

I saw a few sets of plastic guns complete with handcuffs and all that … which could make Wilson’s kid an instant detective going postal – but the quality of those toys were flimsy and the rubber darts were not awesome enough to wreak some havoc. Had to call off the idea in the end … and settled off with an expensive box of Hotwheels racing set.

Don’t know if he’s gonna like it. If he doesn’t … well… tough shit. He can go buy himself.

michaelooi  | ramblings  | 21 Comments
September 9, 2005

things that are not supposed to be right

- A guy obtaining a girl’s phone number through a third party
That’s right. Being the dominant gender on this planet, we males have to do things in the righteous manner. Like if you fancy a chick, you walk straight to her and friggin’ ask for her number yourself. You don’t fucking bribe the girl’s retarded blimp best friend with an ice cream for her number. That’s just plain shallow. And despicable.

A guy to have fingernails the length of a cow’s dick
Maybe I exaggerated the length a bit, but you get the idea. I once saw a waiter in a restaurant with yellow stained long fingernails (must be like 4 – 5 inches long). I mean, why the long fingernails ? Ladies wanted them to make their fingers look longer and more delicate. Certain guys may want to keep them to strum some strings (but usually not longer than a couple of inches). Or as a virtual shovel to excavate their boogers. But … at this length, it’s pretty much telling everyone you’re a filthy slob.

Bosses to get so much higher wages than us working level employees
That’s kinda mind boggling isn’t it ? That motherfucker just sits around hanging out with all these boors playing golf and ask stupid questions… and they get paid 7000% more per month than what we make every year. We, on the other hand, have to write them reports and haul our asses all over to solve their problems. In ancient times, you get paid for the amount of work you do… today, it’s pretty much the other way round. This isn’t right.

Men wearing spandex pants.
Well, I know a lot of girls get pretty excited about men donning spandex pants. But I think it’s just plain wrong. I don’t know why. Maybe it’s about the way our package getting squeezed out like some muppet’s nose… looking so vulnerable like that. I mean, if it’s all about pleasing the ladies, why not just loose it all off ? Just let your balls gravitate and your dick flutter. Or one can just wear a speedo underwear if it’s all about agility. Things that I don’t understand.

Men with tattooed eyebrows
Eyebrows are as important to men like tits to women. When a man loses his eyebrows, he’s gonna lose all the purpose to live (coz he’s gonna look like a fucking ET). Enigmatic as it may sound to you, yes… these small strips of hair do boost our self esteem and confidence. But somehow, somebody actually came up with the idea of redeeming their charm by TATTOOING their eyebrows. That’s terribly wrong. I once saw a middle aged man with a pair of faded eyebrow-tattoos … and they’re fucking green in color. I almost had a stroke seeing that. It’s fucking revolting. Please, don’t tattoo your eyebrows. You can implant all your pubic hairs on it I don’t care. Just… don’t fucking tattoo it.

Many more. But I’m too lazy to write right now.

michaelooi  | ramblings  | 17 Comments
September 6, 2005

just another fine afternoon…

My radar caught something again yesterday while I was having a break at the cafeteria with my colleagues. This time, it was a chick from some department at the checkout counter, wearing a split tight skirt high enough to reveal most of her thigh.

I got pretty hyper on that and remarked to the guys

Me : “That girl sure knows how to dress… too bad she isn’t good looking enough… But it’s alright I guess…”

Hewey, one of our buddy managers, then quipped

Hewey : “Ahhhh… she’s nothing. She just wore her clothes undersized… so that it’s tight like that…”

It was tight alright, but I knew he was just trying to ‘control’ a bit…

Me : “Oh yeah ? After a couple glasses of beer, less lighting and a little bit of a partying mood, I’ll wager that you’d be slobbering all over her…”

Hewey : “Ermmm.. maybe… alcohol fogs the mind… heheh.”

Me : “Well, that’s how these less good looking face manage to get some partners… you see. If everyone sees things like you now, we’ll be experiencing mass extinction of the human race. Nobody will ever get laid.”

Hewey : “But I still think it’s quite important for a guy to groom up a lil’ bit, you know, to cover a wider range of samples. Not just the ugly ones. Pretty chicks dig neat looking guys.”

I think Hewey got it all wrong. Here’s why

Me : “Wake up lah… Pretty chicks dig loaded guys. Doesn’t matter if you look like a whale. They’ll flock to you. It’s a materialistic world today.”

He gave a deep thought about it, and replied

Hewey : “I still think looks are important. Like Sean Connery… oh man, that old guy’s still damn charming…”

I’m not too sure if that’s the very gay side of him or was it just a very feminine expression… anyway…

Me : “But then, there are still exceptions. Like if you’re damn good in bed or something… you know, those girls might probably dig you just for that. But that is, if you manage to make them aware about that fact. That means, back to square one … you’ll still need to be loaded to get them interested.” *shrugs*

Hewey : “I have an idea. You don’t have to be rich. You just need to look for a loose-lipped nosy bitch and hump the daylights out of her.”

That’s strange. Loose-lipped nosy bitch.

Me : “I’m sorry, a loose-lipped nosy bitch you said ?”

Hewey : “Yes, a loose-lipped nosy bitch. So that she’ll go around to spread the news that I’m great in bed. Muahahah !”

And we cackled like a bunch of jackasses having a seizure like that …

He owned me that afternoon. I was speechless.

michaelooi  | dialogs  | 18 Comments