Archive for September, 2005

September 21, 2005

charity comment

Somebody posted this in the In the name of… post.

KongFooSing posted:
I cant believe these people here have so much bullshit to say about other people who collect money for charity because you are a bunch of fuckin tight arses. If these guys come up to you and collect some money, they are already doing some work arent they? Why is it free money then? Who cares if the money really goes to the charity or not. All these people ask of you is bloody 50 cents. Can’t you just give it to them and donate your 1000 dollars to bloody Red Cross at their headquarter.? Put it this way, if you give a dollar to this guy who claims to collect for Red Cross, even he doesnt, he takes the money to buy himself some food, isnt that charity? The truth is these people also need food. Maybe they cant get a proper job. People like you fucks talk cock like why cant able bodied youths don work is because you were bloody born into a middle class family not because you are better than them. Just thank god you are bloody lucky that you even have a computer screen to look at now. You know what’s free money? Sitting at home getting pocket money from our dads and moms. Thats free money, you fuck.

Here’s my reply to him (let’s dissect him):
If these guys come up to you and collect some money, they are already doing some work arent they?
What ? By collecting ‘some money’ and those people are already doing some work ?? What the fuck ? How about me shoving a chainsaw up your ass and jettison some of my shit into your mouth … and then mug up your whole family ? That’s some work.

All these people ask of you is bloody 50 cents.
hey n00b … look around you… these people are selling shitty moon cakes for 30 frigging bucks ! 50 cents your motherfucking cheebye head !

Put it this way, if you give a dollar to this guy who claims to collect for Red Cross, even he doesnt, he takes the money to buy himself some food, isnt that charity?
Put it this way, I never wanted to shag your wrinkled mom and you wanna call me dad. And I should take you as my son because a rotten schmuck like you couldn’t find a biological father and I’m suppose to do some charity ?? You’ve clearly misused the word “charity” here, my friend.

The truth is these people also need food. Maybe they cant get a proper job. People like you fucks talk cock like why cant able bodied youths don work is because you were bloody born into a middle class family not because you are better than them.
And I suppose that it’s a perfectly fine idea to encourage jobless people to go around deceiving the public to part their money for the sake of the so called 10% fake charity. Your parents must be proud of you.

You know what’s free money? Sitting at home getting pocket money from our dads and moms. Thats free money, you fuck.
Oh, your parents must have robbed banks to feed your sorry ass, I suppose… but then, even that, with all the risks taken, I still do not think that it’s “free money”…
My parents’ money, definitely weren’t “free”. They worked their asses off to feed me … for love. And I already started repaying the piety debt since I was able to earn some bucks… So, what free money ?

Now go watch some TV and never come back. (and learn how to disagree like a civilized person before you even comment here next time, retard)

*I feel like kantoi-ing (learnt the word from minishorts…) people today… and he happened to be the stray splinter that got stuck in my finger…

michaelooi  | mails/posts  | 41 Comments
September 19, 2005

is that really what you want?

Longevity… is it really such a good thing ? We Chinese greet our elders plenty of years living on this planet… till their pubic hair goes white… but have we really asked ourselves, is that really what we/they want ?

Well, if it’s as simple as discoloration on our pubic hairs, then that would definitely be a great thing (after all, white pubic hair adds character…). But we all know that’s not usually the case. Life is much more complex than that… When you’re old, you don’t get to :

party and romp
Sure enough, you’d still get to enjoy those heart throbbing music like what you used to do with that skanky motherfucking slut at the nearby one-night-stand club. But you won’t be able to flail your arms like everybody does it on the dance floor … because all your limbs will either be plagued with arthritis (for fucking too much on the floor during your abled years), or you’re too weak to even stand up straight lest you’ll break your frail spine.

hoover anything you want
When your cholesterol and blood pressure are sky high, you’re practically forbidden to eat anything that’s considered good at all. If it’s shitty, then it’s healthy – that will be your diet throughout your geriatric life. (hell, you can’t even swallow cum for fuck’s sake, unless you want to get a stroke or something)

imbibe like a thirsty camel
When one’s 23, they imbibe to get high. When one’s 73, they imbibe, they die. That’s because at that age, there’s no live brain tissue left inside that noggin’. It’s a cemetery of dead cells. Like… meat. Dead meat inside. Probably a couple more left for you to do something fundamental like breathing or scratching your ass … but nothing more than that. So, if you down some booze in there, you’re basically committing suicide.

hook up like there’s no tomorrow
Because tomorrow’s always there and you know it. And it’s damn boring. Biologically, your copulatory organs will become expired due to wear and tear… but your physical existence are left here for the tormenting finale. Or say, if you’re even sexually active at that age, nobody would probably be interested to have sex with you. That’s because you’ll be too dilapidated with dead skin cells… that one would rather fuck a piece of beef jerky than an ancient stiff corpse like yourself.

get something to do
You’re bored and you feel like a stump. So you get yourself something to do… a hobby perhaps. But what can you do ? Play golf ? With your walking stick? You can’t. At such feeble age, the only thing that you get to really do is sit around and make some noise – so that your children would get pissed at you (for being so noisy and nosy) and dump you to some old folks home.

So… as you can see, getting old is boring. You can’t romp, you can’t wolf, you can’t booze, you can’t fuck. You can’t do nothing ! And if you’re a wee bit unlucky, you might even contract some illness that’s probably gonna bedridden your sorry ass and suffer a slow painful death.

Now, you tell me, is that the kind of life that is worth living for ?

I don’t know, if I were to become old someday, don’t wish me longevity. Wish me a quick and painless death instead … that will be so much better.

michaelooi  | thoughts  | 17 Comments
September 16, 2005

general tso’s chicken

I dreamt I was in some grandiose banquet wearing a tuxedo. You know, those event that we see on TV ? Chicks wearing cleavage baring dresses and black waiters pouring free flow wines ?… you get the idea.

I was kinda scouring a table full of food, for something to eat of course, when I was interrupted by a tap on my shoulder. Of course I wasn’t too happy about that as I was damn hungry. But I turned to answer that tap nevertheless, and found myself gazing at a familiar face.

It was Rob. If you can remember him … my undead ex-boss whom I loathed more than roaches and maggots. He was without his trademark ratfink goatee and was donning a thoroughly white uniform… with a tall white hat embellishing his balding skeletal head.

“Hi Michael. Long time no see”

That motherfucker was trying to be courteous. I’m amused if he even thinks that would erase all the confuckulations that he has brought to my life. Nia ma chow hai aa … I kept my cool nevertheless. *I must be gritting my teeth in reality right now…

“Rob ! what the fuck are you doing here ??”

“Can’t you see ? I’m a cook now…”

“A cook ? Last I heard you went off to China for some fucking management post… what happened ?”

“Well… things didn’t go as what I’ve expected and I ended up as a cook”

*chuckles* “It’s hard to believe you’re a motherfucking cook… You’re what ? Major in material science ? You should be analyzing rocks at some cursed tombs … not messing with our food …”

“I learnt how to cook at China.”

“Ok. Big deal. Errrmmmm… can you make me something ? I’m hungry”

“Anything for you, old friend”

“Make me a plate of General Tso’s Chicken…”

“I’m sorry ?”

“Chicken ? You know chicken ? The domesticated bird that can’t fly ? It’s asshole puckering like your mouth ?”

“I know chicken but … I don’t know how to make General Tso’s chicken…”

I was just testing him out. It wasn’t really about General Tso’s chicken that was so important. If fact, that’s actually a very ridiculous request at such banquet. But I managed to prove my point there.

“You’re a cook… for god’s sake… and you don’t fucking know how to make General Tso’s chicken ?? What do you know then ?”

“Ermmmm … how bout fried noodles ? I make kickass fried noodles…”

“And you call yourself a cook ?? So if I know how to change a flat tire, I’d be a mechanic ??”

“Come on … do you really have insult me in public like this ?”

That snapped me. I grabbed a fork nearby and stabbed him on his collarbone. He immediately collapsed to the ground, writhing in agony. I then gave him a hard kick on his ribs and I could hear a crack right out of it. By that time, I noticed that there was already a crowd gathering around me … staring at me as if I’ve killed a defenseless old woman.

Of course, I was set to correct that misperception…

“PEOPLE ! This cook … [points at Rob], doesn’t know how to make General Tso’s Chicken. Heck, he don’t even know how to fry an egg ! He’s giving us human a bad name ! Even the chickens are ashamed of him !!!”

There’s a loud gasping sound reverberating across the crowd… and before I could even say another word to justify my violence, the next thing I knew, the crowd was creaming his ass up like a lifeless pinata. And I didn’t get to grace him another whack.

It was one of the sweetest dream I ever had.

michaelooi  | flashbacks  | 14 Comments

Oh my god !

I better hide before the nekkid models mob me up for good…

michaelooi  | nonsense  | 15 Comments
September 15, 2005

nia ma

My colleague Kermit’s 8 year old daughter came running to him one morning and enthusiastically asked him a question “Daddy daddy! Do you want to hear me cuss in Indian language?”

Kermit was of course, taken aback by his daughter’s sudden display of ribaldry. I mean, like who wouldn’t ? Imagine your own sweet little innocent toddler were to suddenly ask you if you want to hear him/her insult in some language which you don’t even understand.

Well, feeling kinda curious himself, Kermit decided to only mend the damage much later after listening to what his daughter had to tell him about the ‘Indian cuss’, which she had purportedly learnt from an Indian classmate in school.

“Ohhh… ok. Daddy would love to hear it… ”

“Nia ma.” his daughter deadpanned.

Kermit paused for a while, trying to decipher the two-worded expletive – which then came to him that the expletive wasn’t actually derived from any Indian language… but was, our very own Cantonese term, that translates as “Your mother”. Kermit then chuckled… and he corrected his daughter on the misconstrued ‘cuss’. And that was how Kermit’s 8 year old daughter learnt her first insult …

Note: What’s with “nia ma” ? Why is it deemed as an insult ? Well, when “nia ma” is combined with various form of predicates … it can be pretty nasty.

Nia ma chao hai – Your mom’s stinking cunt.
Nia ma chou kai – Your mom’s a whore.

Through the overusage of “Nia ma’s” as the subject, it soon became sort of truncated. Instead of uttering a whole sentence of derogatory details, one would just yell “nia ma…” and leave the rest to the victim’s imagination.

As you can see, school children are extremely docile at their learning years. They will absorb anything they come across at school, be it arithmetic from their school teacher … or that rhetorical foul compliment from the frustrated bus driver to another motorist. Just, anything. At that age, they won’t be able to differentiate between right versus wrong… they’ll simply pick it up and go along what the society’s gonna mold them into.

And from the way our society goes today, it doesn’t take a genius to reckon … what kind of language that our children are exposed to. And there’s nothing that you can actually do about that.

But some actually think they can. Like my mom. When I was a kid, she would threaten to stuff a handful of red hot chillis into my mouth if she were to ever hear me utter a single profanity. Did that actually help ? Nope. That’s because I was smart enough to keep them out of my mother’s ears… but I still learnt them. (besides, I love chillis… ). Hell, my point is, you can pepper spray your kid if you want … or you can even stun them with a cattle prod, but that will not stop them from learning profanities.

Well, I was thinking, if you can’t prevent it from happening, why not control it ? Instead of telling them that it’s bad, educate them about it. It’s better for them to learn how to cuss/insult professionally from their OWN PARENTS… than for them to learn it from a total stranger. Improve their vocabulary. Explain to them what those things are. Then, you can write them some commandments or something … eg :

1) Thou shalt not cuss at geriatrics. Unless the person :
a) is a sloth working at some government service sector.
b) is your annoying neighbor
c) poisoned your cat

2) Thou shalt not insult the following people in front of them (but is rightly fine if it’s done BEHIND them):
a) a judge
b) your boss
c) your mother-in-law

3) etc etc etc ..list goes on

You get the idea… Only cuss as and when it is appropriate. How nice is that.

In the case above, Kermit actually did the right thing. Instead of spanking his daughter, he actually helped his daughter by veering her knowledge to the correct path. She now understands … what is “nia ma”… and why she shouldn’t use it in front of her grandmother or school teacher. (But she’s gonna yell “nia ma” back to her classmate for giving the wrong info).

Knowledge, when used correctly, can be a blessing. There’s no such thing as bad knowledge.

This community message is brought to you by Koko Crunch.

michaelooi  | enlightenments  | 22 Comments