Archive for September, 2005

September 30, 2005

shrimp cake story

I posted this story before in the forum… but I’m posting it here again because today’s a very special day…

~~~~~

there’s a Filipino maid. she works for a chinese family. she doesn’t speak malay or chinese .. so, she usually converse in English with her employers.

one day, the mistress wants her to buy a piece of shrimp cake (belacan) from a nearby store. So, she goes on her way to comply with her mistress’ request — to buy a piece of belacan

But she has a problem. The shopkeeper doesn’t understand what she wanted to buy when she told him “shrimp cake”. She tries her best to show him with all sorts of hand signals… but to no success.

Then, the Filipino maid has an idea. She sticks her hand into her private part … and scrubs it against the smelliest part of her labium…. then sticks her tainted finger under the shopkeeper’s nostril.

Immediately, the shopkeeper knows what she wanted to buy “OOOOOOOOOOO BELACAN SI BOOOH ? Say lar early early ..”

~~~~~

Story courtesy of my late old man (told to me when I was barely 16). Today’s his birthday… and I missed that bugger.

michaelooi  | nonsense  | 17 Comments
September 28, 2005

all about AIDS

There has been some sort of awareness campaign at my workplace about AIDS. Each time I passes by our employee entrance, I can see that bunch of posters on display at the corridor. Lots of them … complete with graphics and all that. I must have walked past those heaps of posters for at least a few dozen times before, but I have never actually took a glance at it. I just knew that it’s about AIDS (from the red ribbon).

Yesterday, while waiting for my colleagues during lunch hour, I sauntered over to the bunch of displays and took some time to read those stuffs up (instead of ogling at girls). Well, to my surprise, they were actually kinda cool. I figured out those posters were actually in Bee Em ! Bahasa Melayu !

And I was baffled at the ke-canggih-ness of the Bee Em on those posters. The messages, they were all so professionally written. But then after studying it for a while, I began to wonder. These messages … to whom that they are directed to? Well generally, to the public … of course. But those who are exposed to the risks of AIDS, are mostly people who adopt whoring as their favorite past time… gay dudes who get impaled frequently by schlongs… drug addicts … basically, those who are not very bright academically.

If you get my drift, you would have realized that most of these people, they’re in no position to understand the messages on these posters at all. Words like “zakar”, “sel” or perhaps “keimunan” – they’re simply too complex for them to understand. Like, how could you expect primary school dropouts and uneducated junkies to understand such canggih words ? What’s a “faraj” ? I have a friend named Fardan ler… could Faraj be his brother ? So on.

They would probably go through a couple of lines, and then walk the fuck off. That means, those awareness campaign posters will be good for nothing.

So… that prompted me to think… what could be a more effective way to convey these informative messages to those that in need of the knowledge ? The answer is – Bahasa Pasar. Colloquial language and slangs. The junkies and ass fuckers know it like the back of their hands. That’s their spoken language and primary form of communication. Like… what could be better than to communicate with them in their own language ?

I was thinking, if the government could hand out free condoms and needles for these people … why can’t they print posters in Bahasa Pasar messages to suit their needs ? Here’s an example how it could have been done …

~~~~~~

Woi ! Pukimak lu orang ! Tau ka apa tu AIDS ?? Tak tau kalu… dengar. Sudah tau kalu, main jauh-jauh… GEDEBUSHHHH

Ni AIDS … bukan nama awek. Tapi sejenis penyakit cilakak tarak ubat mia. Dia masuk sama lu punya badan, kasi itu power lingkup… and bikin lu mia badan tarak defend. Tarak defend kalu … maknanya … kamu kena apa-apa pukimak mia sakit, pun tak boleh sembuh lar tu.

Since ini AIDS tarak ubat, apa yang you orang boleh bikin, ialah control you punya kelakuan ler… Kata orang, ini penyakit moral… So kat sini, nak bagi kau orang tau sikit, apa macam ini AIDS merebak. Penyakit kaliampun ni, merebak melalui 3 cara:

1) Kongkek tarak betuih
AIDS boleh merebak melalui itu cheebye mia kuah … masuk sama lu mia luncheow. Kalau you tak pasti sama you mia markah bersih ka tarak, lebih baik jangan syiok-syiok kongkek. Itu ayam-ayam, bohsia-bohsia, binatang-binatang, jembalang-jembalang ataupun you mia pondan mia markah… lebih baik jangan kacau. Kalau tak leh tahan, kongkek guna kondom. Kalau tarak kondom… guna beg plastik hitam tong sampah … ataupun guna belon pun boleh gak. Tapi kalau yang itu pun tarak, lebih baik suruh you mia partner hisap… ataupun goncang sendiri dalam tandas … (ingat, jangan hisap dekat Singapura !)

2)Darah transfer
Itu darah transfer pun boleh kena AIDS. Tarak peduli sama ada you mia makwe gigit kotek you luka dan sembur darah masuk ke … atau pun you kongsi cucuk jarum sama itu hisap dadah mia orang ke … semua pun boleh kena. Kalau you cucuk jarum dadah, you mesti mau ingat guna itu baru punya jarum. (adalah lebih baik jangan hisap dadah…). Kalau makwe cuba nak gigit, terajang dan sepak sama dia sampai gigi patah.

3) Bini bunting, anak kena
Haa.. bila you keluar kongkek sama ayam, balik rumah kongkek bini … bini bunting… lu mia anak pun akan kena jugak (bini pun kena sekali… jahanam keluarga). You sama bini bungkus cukuplah, tapi apasai mau kasi you mia anak susah ? Ni kera pun tak bikin ini macam sama dia mia family. Kalau sudah kongkek sama ayam, adalah lebih baik kamu pegi check sama you mia doktor sebelum kongkek – sama ada you kena AIDS ke tidak. Ataupun, you boleh guna itu bukak durian mia pisau… dan penggal kepala hotak hang (niiii gerenti bini tak kena).

tapi, engkorang semua toksah panik… AIDS ni, tidak merebak melalui air liur. You boleh cium/jilat sama you mia bini ataupun makwe, it’s ok. AIDS juga tidak boleh merebak melalui sentuhan. Maknanya, you boleh raba sama apa-apa makhluk yang kamu stim, steady mia… (tapi mesti ingat, kena tanya dulu, takut masuk lokap). Dan akhir sekali, AIDS juga tidak boleh rebak melalui you mia air kencing ataupun taik. You boleh bau atau main sama depa … gerenti selamat.

Sekian.

~~~~~~

I guess I wasn’t that good in my Bahasa Pasar either. Perhaps someone can come up with an even more awesome version of it. But hey, what the fuck, as long as the message gets across. It’s all for the good of the people (now you know, this site is not ALL EVIL…)

michaelooi  | enlightenments  | 34 Comments
September 26, 2005

angel

The warmth of the morning sun
The charm of the silvery moon
The laugh of a thousand hyenas
The beauty for an eternal swoon.

The angel of heavens
The goddess of desire
With a face that blokes would slobber
And girls would enviously admire

*i know…i suck at composing poems and shits like that…

People, if you think that girl in the pic is cute, please leave a wolf whistle in the commenting section. Thanks.

michaelooi  | nonsense  | 30 Comments
September 24, 2005

moonrock

In 1934, my grandpa found a really weird looking piece of “rock” when he was looking for firewood in some forest at Teluk Intan (back then, he was just a teenager). This “rock”, is greenish in color … and when being seen through a bright source of light, it’s kinda luminescent. It is about the size of a Tat Seng flip-flop sandal and is quite heavy.

Figuring that this might be something of value, my grandpa immediately took the rock to a nearby Chinese pawn shop to ask for an evaluation. But the pawn shop operator dismissed my grandpa off saying that it’s a worthless piece of “rock”. Disappointed, my grandpa took the “rock” home, kept it in a wooden box (because he thinks it’s unique) and forgotten all about it.

And some 30 years later, when my grandpa was spring cleaning his old stuffs, he stumbled into this unique “rock” again. Feeling inclined to find out what it really was, my grandpa took this rock to his best friend (who’s a gem smith) for another look … and after a careful study at the details of the “rock’s” characteristics, his friend concluded that the piece of “rock” appeared to be a rare piece of Burmese moonrock jade.

Rare because it is naturally flat, and it has all the vital features that a gem collector would look for. And that friend of my grandpa took that piece of rare gem for an evaluation of price … and the first bid from a keen collector was at about RM400,000! But grandpa didn’t sell it… but kept it instead… as he believed that this piece of jade would bring him good fortune.

Today, this piece of jade sits inside my grandpa’s vault and if he were to sell it off today, it probably would have fetched RM1.2 million with no sweat.

Here’s the picture of that gem.

*more detailed pictures & composition in extended section below…*
Read the rest of this entry »

michaelooi  | nonsense  | 28 Comments
September 22, 2005

the tragic corridor

There’s this corridor of death at my workplace. It is named as such because nobody actually likes it. It is long and narrow, and it can hardly fit 2 pedestrians walking side by side. As if it’s not bad enough, there are also approximately half dozen of rooms adjacent to it … and you can imagine how complicated things can get :

1) whenever there’s a blimp the size of a garbage truck trudging down this corridor, the whole stretch of route will turn into one way direction only.

2) whenever a meeting dismisses, the whole place would be congested like there’s a rock concert right in the middle of the office.

3) whenever someone’s holding his/her cup of favorite beverage and exit from one of the rooms (which is a pantry) into the corridor, spill accidents are bound to happen.

You get the idea.

And then, there’s this part right at the middle of this corridor, that branches to the lavatories. It has a short vestibule leading towards 3 rooms – the gents, ladies and unfortunates. Now this area, is a very famous “kawasan kemalangan” (accident prone zone). More often than not, you’ll get people colliding into each other when one’s rushing for a leak and the other ambling out from a relief.

For most of us who are already familiar with the corridor, we would just practice extra caution whenever we walk past this spot. You wouldn’t want to accidentally walk into a bloke or something. That’s just plain gay.

But 2 days ago, I’ve forgotten to be careful. That’s because I was very close to wetting my pants and all my bodily functions were basically controlled by my bladder. I was walking very fast approaching that corner… and was already starting to hallucinate an urinal right in front of me. Then suddenly… WHAM ! No I didn’t collide into anything. Well… almost.

It was a pair of tits belonged to a tomboy… that appeared right out of that very corner. Scared the shit out of me. I don’t know what the hell was wrong with her tits. They were big and nasty… and they defied gravity. I kid you not. Somehow at that split second, I only saw her pair of tits bouncing out from that corner BEFORE I was even able to see her face. Her humongous tits were extending far out like an awning (that was able to provide shelter for motorcyclists on rainy days…). And because they were so huge like that, I couldn’t seem to find any rational explanation behind that anti-gravity effect… but to only speculate that she’s probably donning a pair of helium filled bra (if there’s even such a thing…).

Anyway, upon having that spasmodic visual contact, I gave out a shriek out of reflex and I dodged towards the back to avert myself from colliding into her twin Hindenberg shaped tits ala the Matrix style – and prevented myself from getting a tragic flip and a badass concussion. By the time I gained back my composure, that tomboy was already standing in front of me… and she looked dumbfucked over my reaction. (hhyeah… I sorta overreacted). We stared at each other for about 1.5 seconds… before she eventually offered an apology. I gave a quick acknowledgment, and scampered into the toilet for the ultimate relief.

Now that I’m recalling back every moment of it … I wonder if her tits would have actually exploded and caught up with a big inferno if she were to stumble into a man lighting a ciggy…

And she could have used a caution sign or something… eg: AWAS MUATAN PANJANG… Her tits are a hazard to the public.

michaelooi  | happenings  | 14 Comments