Archive for August, 2005

August 29, 2005

crazy hairs

Ever wondered why do we have these funny flat curly hairs on parts of our body where the sun don’t shine ? Well, I never gave a thought about that until somebody threw me that question. (People always throw me funny questions. Like I’m very smart like that.)

So …why ? Why our body has got to be so consummately barren like that and only to have these isolated oasis of weird wiry hairs on different parts of our bodies ? (alright, there maybe some people who have hairs all over their body. These people, I suspect, are the missing link between us completely evolved humans and apes… so, let’s discount them from our observation…)

I almost cooked my brain thinking about it … and finally it hit me like a wall of bricks – on why do we have these funny looking hairs projecting out from our body like it’s very out of place.

You see, I noticed that these flat curly hairs often grow on areas with following combination of characteristics:

1) sun don’t shine.
2) under the joints of some moving parts.

So, we’re talking about armpits, the perineum and those corrugated + wrinkly trenches surrounding the sphincter of your butthole there. Now what are the key connections between these forbidden regions of our body ? Well, except that they smell like belacans (shrimp cakes)… these are, in fact, the areas of our body that are exposed to the highest amount of chafing.

Armpits – when our arms move. Perineum and those canyons down there – when our legs move. Butt cracks – when your buttcheeks collide. So on.

Now we know chafing is not good for humid celled body parts as it could cause blisters. So, evolution played its part by growing a solution out of it – hairs. Presence of hairs on these crevices of doom acts as a friction reducer… you know… as a bearing between both moving surfaces. Pretty much like how you move a piece of heavy flat rock on top of an array of logs. You reduce the friction with the logs and thus be able to move the rock with less work done.

(come to think of it, perhaps this was the principle that gave the Egyptians the idea to move those big ass blocks of limestones to build the pyramids… no shit !)

These logs… I mean… hairs, they aren’t really round. They’re kinda flat and curly … now why is that ? Simple. As they’re not as stiff as real logs (we’ll be damned if they are…), they sort of became curly after enduring through vigorous rubbing and abrasion… pretty much like how you roll a strand of dental floss with the tip of your fingers – they’ll curl up. The lack of sunlight might have played a part too. But that requires further confirmation by having a volunteer to spend more time basking his/her armpits under the scorching sun. (email me the results, I’d be interested if it would really turn back straight…)

Now, how about those patch of hairs above our reproductive organs ? They don’t seem to conform the theory of friction reducer…since there are no moving parts above the dick/beaver. So what’s the problem here ?

Ahhhh… if only you people could think… THE FRICTION ONLY HAPPENS WHEN A COUPLE FUCKS EACH OTHER ! 2 become 1 ! So, that thicket of curly bush exists for a reason that pretty much like why you have wheels under your car – to smooooooooothen the ride. So, theoretically, if you can hump faster than rabbits, you’re gonna have a thicker bush.

So there you have it – the reason behind those crazy hairs. Thanks for reading.

michaelooi  | enlightenments  | 42 Comments
August 28, 2005

Dildo’s wrath

After received about half a million forwarded emails urging me to update my Touch n Go (TnG) card (or else it will be ineffective by December), I finally went ahead to get it done at the nearest TnG office on Friday.

Since it was Friday and nobody actually works on Fridays, we (me and colleagues) took off earlier to avoid the lunch traffic and crowd, to the TnG office to upgrade our cards – in hope to settle off the whole thing earlier and go for a more relaxed lunch or something.

But to our astonishment, there was already a big crowd swamping the TnG office by the time we reached there. Almost like, 40 – 50 people and there was only ONE counter processing all their requests. Amongst the sea of stinking crowd, stood one of our management level guy, of whom was one of my most loathed individuals on this planet. Oh, let’s call him Dildo for convenience’s sake.

“Goddamn, don’t these people need to work ?? It’s only 11.30am for fuck’s sake !” I uttered to my colleagues.

It was meant to sarcastically hint about why Dildo was there when he should be in the office at that hour. (let’s not question about why we’re there at that hour, shall we ? It’s a cynical world. When he’s an asshole, we’ll always find fault with him). But what could we have done differently about it… but to stop bitching, collect the queue number and to goddamn wait.

And so we waited. After about 5 minutes, Dildo bailed out of the office with a pissed look. Probably had some bowel complications or something. Half an hour later, he returned. But to his dismay, the queue had already gone past his number. Discontented, he stomped up to the counter and demanded… rather loudly… to the counter guy

Dildo : “The queue has gone past my number and I was away. Can you process my request first ?”

TnG dude : “So you weren’t here when the number was called ?”

Dildo : “No I was away.”

TnG dude : “I’m sorry sir, but you’ll have to retake a number for the queue again”

That was when the all of us witnessed Dildo threw his hands in the air, apparently wasn’t too happy with the fact that he had to take another queue number again – because his number was forfeited when he wasn’t there. He shouted at the TnG guy

“WHAT IS THIS ?? THIS IS NOT FAIR ! I WAS OUT BECAUSE THE QUEUE’S TOO LONG HERE !!! 40 TO 50 PEOPLE HOW TO WAIT !?!?? YOU PEOPLE SHOULD HAVE OPENED MORE COUNTERS !!!!”

It was an ugly sight. Being an educated person he was, yet he failed to realize the basic decorum of queuing up for a public service. You queue and wait. It’s all done willingly for the service offered. If you’re too busy or feel too fucking important to do it, well then… sod off. It’s that simple.

But Dildo didn’t think so. He thought that 40 – 50 people was too much for him to bear… and so he took off to do whatever he deemed as more important. And then he came back with the expectation that he should be given the priority against the crowd… because HE CAME EARLIER WITH A NUMBER. Well, tough luck pal… this ain’t a fucking hospital.

If that reasoning actually works, man, everyone would have gone to the office in the early morning and demanded for a priority later in the evening. It just doesn’t make sense.

Anyway, back to Dildo… after his loud protest, I was at the back of the room chiding him (obscured of course)…

“Eh elehhhh … 40 50 people we also wait what… what makes you so special that you can’t do it, bastard ?”

His face was red with fury… and he bolted off without looking back.

So in the end, we all got our TnG card updated, he didn’t. Serves him right for being such a pain in the ass.

michaelooi  | what I saw  | 13 Comments
August 25, 2005

SLK bitch

One of the 2 Touch n Go lanes was closed today. As a result of that, there was a long congestion of vehicles squeezing for the remaining one automatic lane exit (to the bridge). So, there were like 2 lanes merging into 1. Nobody was too happy about that and god knows how many innocent parents’ names and cusses were summoned right at that very moment.

But I managed to keep my cool about it and slowly maneuvered my Lorraine to the merging point. Just as I was about to enter the toll booth… suddenly an inconsiderate SLK (Small Little Kelisa) sped through the SmartTag express lane and attempted to illegally shove itself into the queue I was in. Yes, it was a lady driver. Porcine bitch in her late 20’s wearing an absurd oversized JLo sunglasses.

The car in front of me refused to give in but that SLK was already halfway across in front of me. Not wanting to risk scratching/denting my car against that heap, I gave way and let it jump into the queue. But of course… I didn’t let her in ‘just like that’. I graced the fucking bitch with my air horn while she’s at it.

I could see the result almost immediately… and she wasn’t too happy about that. She flailed her arms as if a bee had just stung her clit and was irrationally screaming inside her car. She was like… madddd. But too bad I could not hear what she was yelling about (if only she realized that…).

As if she had the right of passage to barge through any traffic jam queues anywhere on this planet.

Bah !

Knowing that she’s looking at me through her rear view mirror, I showed her an internationally recognized middle finger greeting. And she got even more excited after that. It was a sight to behold.

Later when we were on the bridge, I caught up with her car and took a good look at her… Here’s what I managed to observe:

1) She had a Snoopy sticker on her fuel door.
2) She had a menagerie of soft toys hanging around her screen.
3) She looked like a fire hydrant.

I glowered at her through her side passenger screen and gave her a few short burst of my honk, beckoning her to look over. I was gesticulating at her with my hand to show her the snapping muzzle of a barking dog (insinuating that she’s a bitch). But too bad, she didn’t. She kept her rigid posture trying to ignore me. (But I think she might had actually stole a couple of glances through her oversized sunglasses)

Oh well, what the fuck. She probably thought I might be some savage dude on my way to rob a bank or something… and decided not to mess with me. (ironically, she looked like a really hungry disgruntled cannibal earlier…).

Wackos… they’re everywhere.

michaelooi  | traffic shit  | 28 Comments
August 24, 2005

first sex (repost)

originally posted on May 19 2004. This is a repost (with some corrections). I’m too tired to blog today.

*****
*my first sex .. so, it will of course be a lonnnnggg and explicitly detailed post… underaged boys and girls…..stay out ! Adults — read at your own discretion…

She was 17 and so was I. How did I meet her? Well, I met her in a pub. It was Modesto’s By the Sea… I can still remember. She was tall, had long flowy hairs, and a pair of jugs that would make a lot of girls envy (alright, the size is 34C… I later found out).

She was with her bunch of lesbian friends doing macarena on the dance floor – sporting a white tube – and I was with another male friend. When I first saw her, I immediately knew that I got to get this girl. She had a figure of an angel… and looked so effervescently gorgeous. Sharp eyes, high cheeks, fair complexion… as if she was made in Japan.

I made my move by offering to buy her drinks (you know… the standard old corny trick), which she accepted. She acted up a bit at first, but after I charmed her with a few of my stupid jokes, she finally accepted me as her chatting partner (that sort of shit). She even introduced me to some of her lesbian friends and we drank together. Well… they were all kinda nice as I found out later on… you know… lots of laughter and all that.

We drank together for quite a while, until suddenly, she told me that she wanted to have a walk on the beach to get some air. Well, without procrastinating, I volunteered to accompany her (being in a crocodile mood I was…) to the beach …

She told me that she is allergic to alcohol and had developed some rashes on her cheeks that night – which was why she wanted to get some air to cool it down. We walked and chatted for about 20 minutes enjoying each other’s company, when she suddenly asked me if I could do her a favor. She told me that almost all of her buddies were drunk that night… and none of them were able to drive back to their rented apartment that night. And the favor was, she would like me to drive all of them home.

Well, not wanting to disappoint a lovely face, I agreed to help her out. It wasn’t long before all of her buddies came out from the pub and headed to the car, all half drunk. I asked my friend to drive close from behind and to fetch me after I dropped off the girls. Then, I drove her Volvo 240 along with 5 half-inebriated girls (including herself) back to their apartment. She sat in the front passenger seat with me (to guide me maa…) and the rest slept at the rear seat.

I was driving at one particular stretch of the road when she suddenly asked me to turn left into a junction. With a fast reflex, I yanked the steering to make a last minute turn, which made her lean towards my direction (G-force maa..) as she wasn’t wearing the seat belt. I accidentally touched her boobs in the process (which I admit it felt kinda nice…) and that was when something funny began to take place. We sort of like “clicked” to each other there… and automatically embraced. That was when I knew… I had just got myself a field full of golden corn to harvest that night.

Alright, after I parked the car, I ran out to inform my friend to leave me be, and I returned back to the girls. I accompanied them up to their apartment and remained there. I don’t know why I did that but, it was as if some voice from heaven told me to stay. All the girls (incl. herself) then went into one of their bedroom to crash… a couple of them to the toilet to york out their alcoholic biles. I was left alone in their living room, and so, I helped myself with some cold water from the fridge while checking out the place.

About a couple of minutes later, she came out from her bedroom and gave me a tight hug. I didn’t fucking know what’s that all about but… I believe, that’s probably the reason why I stayed. We then kissed each other (it was one of the sweetest kiss I’ve ever encountered..) and started to ascend into the direction of her room. Right at that time, my heart was practically palpitating like mad… pumping high pressured blood into my entire body… and made me burn in fire. That was my first time of doing such co-curricular activity with a girl – a great looking girl at that – almost a total stranger… and definitely, for my juvenile mind, was something I would never dreamed of doing so soon. I was feeling both scared and curious at the same time… damn… it was so hard to describe.

It wasn’t long before we closed the door behind us and crashed onto her soft bed. Being an inexperienced bloke at that time, I just did not know how to proceed, but to dive straight into her promising boobs, with the clothes on. I was sort of clumsy needless to say, and was satisfying my perversion by just frolicking around her Triumph bra (I took off her tube without problem)…. and kissed her… and frolicked… and kissed… frolicked… kissed… until it was as boring as watching moss grow on a sloth’s dick.

That was when I decided to get more adventurous. I attempted to unhook her bra and wanted to check out how the wonderful pair of exotic milk container would look like without its cover. But I had a problem. Never done anything like this before, I could not get her bra to unhook… I almost cussed out loud when the passion was about to turn into frustration… until she helped me to unhook them. It was like opening a heavy lid of a treasure chest, revealing a heapful of sparkling jewel inside. The very sight of her asset was ecstatic. Never had I seen anything so beautiful in my life, it was breathtakingly awesome… plump and pinkish… and I started to caress her pair of… oh my god… that is so goddamn explicit.

Anyway, we stroked and petted each other around while sliding off the rest of our dud. It felt awkward at first but, I got used to it after a while. The feeling was warm… my skin rubbing against her smooth skin… and I was meticulous in scouring and exploring every single inch of her body. Gone were the fantasies … gone were the imagination. I found all my answers right on the same night.

Then, it came to the part when she was too hot to handle. She was grabbing me hard on the shoulder and then automatically positioned herself on top of me. I was inexperienced yes… but I wasn’t stupid. I knew that we had come to the porking point. Like what I had perceived all along through my friends and porn movies, I attempted to insert my plug into her lubricated socket (which smelled kinda funny). But it was not as easy as I thought. I couldn’t get it in! I mean, I couldn’t find the socket! It was nowhere to be found!

I panicked, felt embarrassed at the same time. It was then she asked me “Your first time?” ..which I responded by nodding. She let out a short giggle… and then began to hand guide my plug into her socket. What happened next was totally indescribable. I probably blacked out at some part of it but… the humping part was splendid. It temporary made me forgot whatever that was going on in my world and I enjoyed every bit of it.

The coitus part was quite long, probably because the presence of alcohol. We were doing it with full passion though and I could tell that from the moans that she made. It went on for about 5 minutes… until I suddenly had a funny feel inside me. It was like a “floaty” feel… you know… and the more “floaty” I felt, the faster my rpm goes.

It was hot as hell until to the point when I knew that “the thing” was about to come out from my lizard. Very fast. With a quick reflex (as always), I unplugged my jack and began to unload my nut’s contents onto her body. Like an F1 driver with a king-sized champagne on a podium, I blasted my torrent of viscous liquid starch (enriched with vitamins and minerals) all over the room. It smeared on almost everything in sight, the curtains, dressing table, her used undergarments behind the door, her pet soft-toy, windows … everything. The room looked like as if some snow storm had hit the place hard… and that’s when I realized, the harvesting season was finally over.

Not logical? Sounded fictional? You are right! Because it’s really fictional! Do you think I really am gonna blog about my “first sexperience” here? What were you thinking man? Who in their right mind would blog about their first sex ? COME ON …

It was all true until the part where the girl asked me to fetch her and her girlfriends home. I actually chickened out at that time. And that’s about it. (I think I mentioned this before inside Doc’s forum). The rest, I made up myself… because I’ve got nothing to blog about today.

michaelooi  | imaginations  | 21 Comments
August 23, 2005

serious snafu

There’s something that I’ve always wanted to everyone here to ponder. Something that pretty much test our ability to think out of a downright confuckulated situation. It’s a scenario based on an experience encountered by a friend many years ago…

*disclaimer: the following part of the entry contains following materials – violence, sex and religious elements – which may offend certain individuals. Proceed with discretion or you can just press ALT+F4

Here it is :

Imagine yourself on a road trip for a business deal out of town. Somewhere say, far enough from where you live to require a night of stay-over. After a satisfying round of dinner with your client, you realize that you’ve overshot the hours and it is already late.

With haste, you excuse yourself and rush to look for a hotel lest you’ll have no place to lodge for the night. But luck is not on your side, for all the hotels are fully booked around the town. You have no other choice but to take a late night drive back to your hometown, which is like… 2.5 hours away.

No big deal, you hop on your car and begin your looooooong drive home. Everything goes fine throughout a quarter of the journey, which you are beginning to enjoy as a moment for yourself to be alone, free from the hustles of the busy corporate life and also the mind numbing gripes of your evil spouse. You start to sing along to the tunes of your favorite CD as your car glides through the dim moonlit highway.

Just as you are about to start pulling a falsetto drag on that high pitch chorus of the song, you suddenly see something from your rear view mirror. Holy motherfuck ! A lady in white robe sitting on your rear passenger seat… her long straight hair partially obscuring her face in such a way that you are unable to make out how she looks like. But you are able to reckon, that she looks something like Kate Moss without makeup or Ju-On … whichever that applies…

Your heart shrinks. Your anus puckers. Your blood pressure shoots up high up among the stars. She then lifts her head and you can see her red pair of eyes starting to focus back at you (through the rear view mirror). Then panic kicks in. You start to sweat.

OK STOP.

You’re driving on the highway in the middle of nowhere. There’s a female ghost in thick foundation with bloody eyes staring at you from your rear passenger seat. What would you do ? Please rape the commenting system.

It would be interesting to gauge for different responses…

I slapped this question to a few of my colleagues today, and they gave all sorts of interesting reply. On top of that, I threw them more dilemma as the ghost advances…

*****

Responses received so far (summarized) :

Drive to nearest petrol station
Riggghhttt, which is 100 over km away. And I assume that you would find the pump attendants there might have the ability to banish evil spirits ? Riggghhhtt.
Response rating : F

Try not to believe that it’s a ghost and make a confirmation by checking out the rear seat.
So, the mirror is lying. You think it’s not reflecting the real thing and have to check it out with your own eyes. And then what are you gonna do after figuring out that the mirror was right ? Scream ?
Response rating : F

Flip mirror up and continue to drive. Ask the ghost where to drop her off.
Ok, let’s discount the fact that ghost might reappear in front of you if you flip the mirror (that’s an even bigger boner). Kinda neat way of confronting the whole thing. But to ask that ghost questions is absolutely … errr… not bright. I’ll give you a C for that.
Response rating : C

Check yourself if got any balls. If yes, ask her out for a date and a blowjob (whatever)
This is bad. Noticed that the scenario was meant to be assessed by both sex ? Females have tits, no balls. To ask something so tragic out for a date is not only stupid but, insane as well. Let’s not even talk about fellatios…
Response rating : F

Confirm if that Ju-On looking monster back there is really a ghost. Once confirmed, stop car and run on foot
Look, you’re driving on a highway. You see something that looked like Ju-On on your rear passenger seat… and you decide to check if it’s really a ghost, then stop the car and proceed to run on foot ? Do you think running on foot would make you go any faster ? You’re in the middle of nowhere dude. Even without that ghost, it’s still blatantly unwise to run the entire length of highway ler …
Response rating : F F F

Ask for 4D number
Well, kinda practical. Since she’s already here right ? But that is if you’re really into gambling and is virtually indifferent to anything in this world. But what if she shakes her head and points at your crotch ? Establishing contact with the dead is always a bad idea…
Response rating : D

Chant religious mantra see if it helps. If not, rape ghost.
The chanting part may probably help (who knows). But the rape part is … sadistic. Omg. You deserve a quadruple F.
Response rating : F F F F

Hump the ghost
Seriously, is there no one else on this planet left for you to pork except ghosts ? Desperate nyaaaaa….
Response rating : F

Ask ghost if she’s sad or something… and see if your talking would comfort her
So that both of you can be friends and perhaps meet at Coffee Bean sometime in the near future ? Might be a good idea if that thing’s a good looking Japanese teenager (instead of a ghost)… Ackkkkkk.
Response rating : F

Ask ghost if she would fly you to your lover’s window
Too much chinese romance novel. You deserve an F just for that. And another F for making a ridiculous request.
Response rating : F F

Induce an erection and piss on ghost
An erection to piss ?? Why would you need to do that for lah ??
Response rating : F F F F F F F F F F (you’ll not only banish the ghost but the car as well)

Verbally mock ghost with every imaginable profanities
Bitch slap the ghost
So that you’ll aggravate her off and give her an excuse to lay waste to your ass ? That’s bright…
Response rating : F

Ask ghost to get a life
If a ghost is able to get a life, then it’ll probably not choose to be a ghost in the first place. ACCCCCKKKK !
Response rating : F

Wind down your windows and drive recklessly
I don’t know man, but that’s no excuse for you to drive recklessly. The ghost won’t give a fuck anyway…
Response rating : F

Don’t worry about it since she’s not physical
I don’t know man, but that’s no excuse for you to drive recklessly. The ghost won’t give a fuck anyway…
Response rating : F

(girls only) pluck pubic hairs to fling at ghost in hope to scare it off
Ghosts scared of pubic hairs meh ?? That’s so kinky ! And what’s the difference between male and female pubic hairs ? *puzzled* (hint: guys, remember to keep some of your girlfriend’s pubic hair in your wallet for safety reasons…)
Response rating : F

Ignore ghost and drive to the nearest rest stop and take a nap till morning
Ignore ghost is good. Take a nap till morning ? You mean sleep ? How can you sleep in a car with a ghost sitting at the back ? Trying to entice it to do something to you while you’re most vulnerable ?
Response rating : C

– My respond : I’m afraid of no ghost. So I’ll drive on… but I’m gonna look for bomoh the next day to ‘clear’ my car. (that’s what that friend did, even though she freaked like mad). Like, what can I possibly do ? I actually told one of my inquiring readers on IM last night… if it happened to be a bigass hissing cockroach instead of a ghost, I’m gonna probably crash my car into some cliff and die together with it… Ghosts don’t peeve me a lot.
Afraid of no ghost – an A. Drive on ignoring ghost = cool. That’s another A. Look for bomoh the next day – brilliant ! An A. Scared of cockroach – an A because cockroach sux and they stink like Banglas. Then finally, another A for saying “Ghosts don’t peeve me a lot.” with an attitude.
Response rating : A A A A A – I rawk !

michaelooi  | imaginations  | 39 Comments